Where to start? | INFJ Forum

Where to start?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by AUM, Jun 16, 2010.

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  1. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    Imagine being betrayed by someone you thought as a friend, how would you feel? You want to forgive them because it's making you dead inside, you feel dirty and with lots of hatred in your heart. However, you know that the damage is quite deep, with many scars left by such betrayal. They lied to you and you now feel like an idiot. You want to be free of such an emotion but it's so deep and so overbearing. But, in despite of it all, you still want to forgive. You want to forgive because you're a good person inside, and you feel the pain of that unfortunate person who lied to you, in despite of how it made you feel. You want happiness to bestow on such a person because after all, we all want happiness don't we? We want everyone to have a moment of grace. Pardon me, but not just for a moment, but for all eternity. But yet, the emotion of hatred and betrayal is so close in your heart, but still...you want to forgive.

    How do you do it?


     
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  2. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    I'm afraid that the only thing that makes the hate stop is them saying they're sorry, and them really meaning it. As soon as you feel that they are really sorry you can forgive them. Might be a bad thing since it makes us prone to getting "sucked in" by puppy dog eyes, but there you have it.

    I for one can't forgive someone unless they are sorry. If they say it and mean it, I may still take a while to forgive, but trust isn't something I'm dumb enough to give again.

    For those who don't feel sorry, I burn them at the stake.
     
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  3. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    If your friend is sorry for what (s)he did - set them a difficult task/goal by which they can show that they want to make amends.

    You could require that (s)he: phone whoever they backstabbed/betrayed you to (for example) and apologise for it/say they they will never see each other again; or throw away something of value; or cut their hair short, etc.

    Depends on how they betrayed you and how bad you were injured by it.

    If your friend comes through and proves him/herself to you - you have to act like nothing ever happened.
     
  4. Odyne

    Odyne ===========
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    Forgiveness is not easy! So don't beat yourself up for not forgiving right away. You are hurt, the trust has been breached, and the ego has been bruised. A wounded animal will not be able to go up and about till their actually healed. So first take your time to feel. Don't avoid those emotions. If you're angry you're angry, if you're hurt you're in pain. If you hate them, then you hate them...and you hate yourself for being the fool to trust them.

    This is important, you have to realize that you're also angry with yourself for trusting them, and you could possibly be projecting that onto them. Not saying, that they are not at fault tho. But try to look at this rationally. Step back, and really think about what you're feeling and why. Perhaps the detachement will make feel a lil better and more lucid, and you'll most likely find a way to ease that pain and find the courage to forgive.

    And let me remind you, that your desire to have good bestowed upon them, regardless of what they've done to you, is incentive enough for forgivness. The fact that you're heart is capable of such a wish, even when it's been hurt and bruised, means that you have it in you to forgive and you have the strength to move on.

    Best of luck me dear.

    p.s. It is in No Way! a weakness to forgive. Only the strong are capable of such a gesture.
     
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    #4 Odyne, Jun 16, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  5. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    Take the situation from black and white to grey. Why did they betray you?

    I have been betrayed a good number of times by acquaintances. Most times it is nothing serious but there have been a few times that a friend really hurt me deeply. A lot of times it is a combination of negative emotions, lack of consideration for the other party, and selfishness.

    I would be a fool to say I haven't done it myself, this is something the other party perceives by one's actions, and no agreement as to the classification of a betrayal needs to be made.

    As Odyne said, a rational detachment to find the cause, justified or not, is one of the best paths to truly putting a situation like this in the past.
     
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  6. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    Just to make it clear, no such betrayal has been done to me personally. However, I've been unfortunate enough to presence people who has been hurt by this kind of situation in the past, and I'm afraid that it will always continue in the future, since us humans are all imperfect to begin with.

    I've seen good-natured people turn into savage and cruel beasts for something as terrible as a betrayal, and I just want to know how to console them in such a time, in a time when they think no one is no longer trust-worthy just because a person committed such a deed. I feel so uncomfortable being in the victim's presence because I no longer know if I'm talking to rational human being, or a human being who has been hurt badly by another.
     
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  7. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    In terms of consoling another, trust, patience, and comfort are a good place to start.

    Oh, and their favorite flavor of ice cream. :D
     
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  8. sassafras

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    I think the other posters summed it up quite nicely on how to work on allowing yourself forgive, so I won't repeat that here.

    While we're not always in control of what happens to us, we are in control of the ways in which we choose to respond. We alone hold the responsibility for our thoughts, emotions and actions. I don't think anyone else should feel like its their duty to minimize or do away with our pain.

    That being said, depending on how close you are with this person and how much this person has revealed to you, I think all you can do is just offer silent support. Chances are, this person is very angry and hurt; encourage them to talk about it and be content to listen. Resist the urge to preach or talk about the dangers of this colouring their perspective for the rest of their time. When the wound is fresh, few people are open to talking about solutions or long-term thinking. They need to get the poison out of their system. Be their anti-venom by quietly letting them re-experience the good in the world. After they've had a chance to vent, next time invite them out to a soothing atmosphere, like a park, or take them to see a silly movie. Gradually change their mood and lead by example, but let them heal on their own time.

    Sadly, I don't think you can ever know if an experience like this is going to scar them forever or teach them a valuable lesson they can learn from. It's up to them, not you, to deal with it.

    As for forgiveness, I believe it is not a weakness. It takes strength of character to remain optimistic and open to the possibility to change (and, sadly, the possibility to be hurt again). Life is full of disappointments and most of them come from other people; if you clam up just because you're afraid of getting hurt again, you might protect yourself from hurt, yes, but you won't be living life to the fullest and welcoming opportunities of goodness and happiness.

    Still, as much as I laud forgiveness as a virtue, I don't include 'forgetting' in the equation. If you forget something, you cannot learn from it and damn yourself to a future of repeating the same mistakes. The slate is never wiped clean, because it is a resume of our experiences and what we've learned from them.


    In the meantime, good luck.
     
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    #8 sassafras, Jun 16, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
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  9. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    Unfortunately and fortunately that is very true. When this happens, innocence has been lost and maturity is gained. Isn't it awful that we learn more about the reality of life by these kinds of situations?

    But like they say, "what doesn't kill just makes you stronger." or better put, "the more rocks you fall with, the more you realize that rocks are evil.":laugh:
     
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  10. sassafras

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    See, I wouldn't think of this as an unfortunate situation. I don't view innocence and maturity as necessarily parallel to a scale of good and bad. If anything, I think maturity makes the good we experience in life that much more of a gift worth cherishing. To extend your rock metaphor, you can't find diamonds if you're afraid to get dirty.

    Furthermore, that's not to say that just because we tend to grow and mature with these roughshod experiences, that they automatically outnumber the good we experience. Personally, I think we all experience an equal balance of good and bad in our lives. Most people just tend to focus on the bad because discomfort is easier to detect and because for some reason, people take discomfort as a strike against themselves instead of something that is an inevitable part of life. And if you're so intent on focusing on one thing, about what it should and shouldn't be, you tend to overlook anything else unless it is demonstrative enough to grab your attention.

    It all comes down to perspective, methinks. The same thing can either have a fortunate or unfortunate impact on your life, depending on your approach.
     
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  11. NeverAmI

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    YES! It is very much about expectations!

    The Tao Te Ching might be an enlightening read if you haven't yet partaken.
     
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  12. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    Accept first.

    And I mean it. Accept it first. Let the reality sink in. Not emotional hysteria, not denial, not grief, nor bargaining or anger.....acceptance. Rational, detached, acceptance. As complete and thorough as possible (this is the hard part, because it involves complete analysis)

    Then start from there.
     
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  13. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    If it were me, I'd cut off contact with them and find someone else if I could. There are some things that I can't bring myself to forgive or perhaps I could if the person owned up to them, but they never will. They don't even see their behavior as a problem.
     
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