I've been thinking* about that statement, prompted by some studying I've been doing. It's said so often and assumed to be true yet, every time I see it my mind nags at me. I think that's because it isn't really true. What other people think does matter because their opinions act as a gauge for our behaviour.
The problem lies in how we express our thoughts. We tend to lay blame on others instead of describing our own feelings accurately. Part of that may be that we are unsure of what we feel. Another part may be that we don't want to be vulnerable and still another part may be that we want to manage expectations.
For example, instead of saying, "I am frustrated because..." we will say "You need to..." or "You are..." and of course the other person just hears demands or feels attacked. Another example is "I like..." or even "I love..." or "I appreciate...". Those often are not said at all even though that's truly what we feel because we are afraid that by saying those words we'll raise the other person's expectations beyond what we can handle.
We all do hold back on our praise and express too much of our negative criticism. The result is that good relationships are gradually eroded by hurt feelings. Apologies are made and accepted but before the wound heals, we begin the cycle again until it reaches a point where we don't want to deal with each other. Perhaps, we need to slow down and think about what we are saying. Maybe it's all right to say, "I feel this or that because..." instead of saying "You caused this or that.." or "You are this or that..." It's certainly not easy to change lifetime habits but maybe that subtle change can make a difference to our happiness.
Share your thoughts please.
*I need to break this habit. It's ruining my sleep.
The problem lies in how we express our thoughts. We tend to lay blame on others instead of describing our own feelings accurately. Part of that may be that we are unsure of what we feel. Another part may be that we don't want to be vulnerable and still another part may be that we want to manage expectations.
For example, instead of saying, "I am frustrated because..." we will say "You need to..." or "You are..." and of course the other person just hears demands or feels attacked. Another example is "I like..." or even "I love..." or "I appreciate...". Those often are not said at all even though that's truly what we feel because we are afraid that by saying those words we'll raise the other person's expectations beyond what we can handle.
We all do hold back on our praise and express too much of our negative criticism. The result is that good relationships are gradually eroded by hurt feelings. Apologies are made and accepted but before the wound heals, we begin the cycle again until it reaches a point where we don't want to deal with each other. Perhaps, we need to slow down and think about what we are saying. Maybe it's all right to say, "I feel this or that because..." instead of saying "You caused this or that.." or "You are this or that..." It's certainly not easy to change lifetime habits but maybe that subtle change can make a difference to our happiness.
Share your thoughts please.
*I need to break this habit. It's ruining my sleep.