What makes someone a good partner?
- Thread starter Gaze
- Start date
Getting married doesn't prove commitment, staying together for 20 years shows commitment. Staying together 30 years shows a lot of commitment and staying together 40+ years shows a helluva lot of commitment
Any ignorant fool over the legal age can get married....it means nothing in and of itself
Some drunk gamblers can meet by a slot machine in a casino in las Vegas, stumble over to a registry office, don some elvis wigs and say some marriage vows, it does not show commitment
if they were still together after 20 years then they've shown commitment
Forget the fantasies about the diamond ring and the confetti and figure out whether or not you love each other enough to share space together everyday and decide whos turn it is to do the washing up and whose turn it is to do the cooking, while still feeling a warm glow when you look in each others eyes at the close of the day cos that's what a relationship is day to day.....it ain't ya wedding day
Usually all marriage does is get people in debt and legal binds; who needs more contracts in their life?
Life is an experience (or rather a series of experiences). Everyone puts too much pressure on this stuff. Try relationships with different people if they don't work out just be honest with each other and move on as amicably as possible. Don't rush out and stick a ring on a persons finger just cos you're in the flush of lust
Any ignorant fool over the legal age can get married....it means nothing in and of itself
Some drunk gamblers can meet by a slot machine in a casino in las Vegas, stumble over to a registry office, don some elvis wigs and say some marriage vows, it does not show commitment
if they were still together after 20 years then they've shown commitment
Forget the fantasies about the diamond ring and the confetti and figure out whether or not you love each other enough to share space together everyday and decide whos turn it is to do the washing up and whose turn it is to do the cooking, while still feeling a warm glow when you look in each others eyes at the close of the day cos that's what a relationship is day to day.....it ain't ya wedding day
Usually all marriage does is get people in debt and legal binds; who needs more contracts in their life?
Life is an experience (or rather a series of experiences). Everyone puts too much pressure on this stuff. Try relationships with different people if they don't work out just be honest with each other and move on as amicably as possible. Don't rush out and stick a ring on a persons finger just cos you're in the flush of lust
Wow. It really baffles me when I run in to people who are so passionatly anti-marriage.
FWIW, My wedding cost under $3000 -- I helped design and sew my own wedding dress. The reception was all homemade food. The honeymoon was camping at Yosemite. And as far as I'm concerned, I had the perfect wedding.
FWIW, My wedding cost under $3000 -- I helped design and sew my own wedding dress. The reception was all homemade food. The honeymoon was camping at Yosemite. And as far as I'm concerned, I had the perfect wedding.
What i'm passionately against is people saying that marriage=commitment. It doesn't. Commitment is making a relationship work (whether in marriage or out of marriage)
Do you mind if i ask you if you're married @GracieRuth ?
Do you mind if i ask you if you're married @GracieRuth ?
I WAS married. He kind of crumbled when our son was born autistic. But honestly, the years where I was married and the kids were babies were the best years of my life. I'd do it again in a heart beat.
My idea what marriage is: a stable committed relationship designed to create the best environment for raising kids. If you have that without the legal paperwork, then IMHO you have what I'd call a common law marriage. In the case of older people marrying a second time, you already have kids/family, and you are merging your families together in a sense.
I think my ex was just too fragile. I don't hold it against him. While I can't live with him, knowing he abandoned the kids, I've let go of the negative feelings. I will always love him. I do find it interesting that neither of us ever remarried.
My idea what marriage is: a stable committed relationship designed to create the best environment for raising kids. If you have that without the legal paperwork, then IMHO you have what I'd call a common law marriage. In the case of older people marrying a second time, you already have kids/family, and you are merging your families together in a sense.
I think my ex was just too fragile. I don't hold it against him. While I can't live with him, knowing he abandoned the kids, I've let go of the negative feelings. I will always love him. I do find it interesting that neither of us ever remarried.
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They seek to understand their partner and show their partner consideration. They try to understand their partner on their own terms. They don't diminish their partner's needs or desires because they are different from their own. They take care of their partner and don't run away when their partner is having a difficult time. They take personal responsibility for their actions and their behavior. They don't use their partners to meet their own needs and then fade away. They want their partner to be happy and fulfilled. They don't expect their partner to be perfect all the time. They do the best they can to make their partner feel cared for and loved. A good partner cares and shows it - meaning, they don't make their partner jump through hoops to receive affirmation of their feelings. They don't put their needs before their partners most of the time. They are willing to go through tough times with their partner and not just disappear when a partner is struggling or going through difficulties. Good partners try to be dependable. A good partner wants their loved one to be feel cared for and safe emotionally, etc.
Thanks for your honest response @GracieRuth
I don't agree however that people living together out of marriage are in 'common law marriage'....different countries have different laws regarding this anyway
People are in whatever THEY choose to be in. This does not need to be defined by the state or by a church or synagogue
The following is not directed at you but is just my thoughts relating to this thread:
Its your life, not the state's (they would say otherwise); it is not the church/synagogues either (they would probably also tell you that your life is not your own)
So many people when they are trying to work out what to do in life seem to look to society for inspiration. They give in to societal pressures/expectations without trying to establish whether or not its what FEELS right for them
When people think they're doing what they're supposed to do but they are still not happy this is because a part of their mind is communicating to them in the only way it can that something is not right in their world
This inner self cannot communicate in words like the conscious self can so its not going to say to you ''Listen! Somethings wrong here. We need to find out what it is and sort it out!''
Instead it will communicate through emotions. If we ignore our emotions then this creates an inner tension or conflict (cognitive dissonance) which will lead to anxiety/distress
Too much anxiety will lead to mania
Too many people when they experience anxiety/distress say to themselves: ''i don't feel right, there must be something wrong with me, i must pour myself a stiff drink or go to the doctors and get some pills to deaden these emotions i am feeling''
This is a very bad idea. It is better to LISTEN to what your inner self is saying to you and take steps in your external world to bring your life into alignment with your inner self.
Alcohol and anti-depressants will not resolve the inner conflict it will just shut out the voice of your inner self
People need to stop listening to what society tells them they should do. Society is simply a hierarchical pyramidal structure where the people at the top want the people at the bottom to behave in certain ways so that they can be controlled
Society is not interested in what makes you happy, society wants you to treat life as a giant box ticking exercise so that you keep doing the things that will perpetuate the system. Sure you may experience a momentary elation when you've ticked another box, but you'll soon be feeling the tug of the treadmill again as you strive towards the next goal: exams, job, car, marriage, mortgage, 2.4 children, midlife crisis, divorce......
The only thing that knows what is right for you is your inner self....be true to that. Learn to listen to it and act accordingly, whether in relationships, jobs, spirituality, sexuality, politics, activities.....whatever
Marriage is merely another box that many people feel they have to tick. Stop ticking boxes! This is your life experience....it is not an opportunity to heap pressure on yourself!
If you keep trying to tick boxes you will find that your life becomes like a treadmill which you are unable to get off. One day you will find you are having to sprint so fast to keep up with the treadmill your life has become that you are unable to stop sometimes and simply be
Debt and contracts are two of the chains that the system uses to keep people tied to the treadmill.
The more pressure you feel the faster the treadmill is going and the more likely it becomes that you will feel anxiety.
Slow the treadmill, take the pressure off yourself, don't let others heap pressure on you and take some time to enjoy life
Societal pressure will come in many forms for example in fallacies such as 'marriage shows commitment, so pin that person down! make sure they get you to the alter pronto!'
Don't pin anyone down.....don't pin yourself down and don't pin anyone else down....they are also having their life experience. Relax, and just enjoy being together.
This will probabaly be easier if you haven't just got yourselves in debt having a wedding ceremony that lasted ONE DAY!
Marriage is a contract. marriage is not what is at the core of a good relationship. Love, respect, shared values....these sorts of things are at the core of a good relationship.....work on those instead of ticking boxes, jumping through hoops and doing what everyone else expects you to do
I think a lot of people want some sort of fairytale hollywood romance, but life is not perfect! You don't just ride off into the sunset with a 'just married' sign on the back of your car. Life is day to day....most of the time its not the big things....most of it is made up of the little things.
Hollywood is simply a dream factory. It created cinemas during the great depression that were designed to look like palaces on the inside. They were called 'nickelodeons' because even people without much money could pay a nickel and go and watch a movie and be transported into a dream world where doey eyed starlets faint in the arms of heroic men. People would leave the cinema after their escapist experience and go back to their trivial and demeaning jobs dreaming of being swept off their feet by Clark Gable
This escapism doesn't help people. It just lessens the symptoms of the core problem. It enables people to 'hang on in quiet desperation' so that they can keep paying taxes and propping up a sick system
Forget all the expectations and pressure, listen to your heart and live your own life experience in accordance with your inner self
Rise above the pressure that will inevitably come from those tied to the treadmill!
I don't agree however that people living together out of marriage are in 'common law marriage'....different countries have different laws regarding this anyway
People are in whatever THEY choose to be in. This does not need to be defined by the state or by a church or synagogue
The following is not directed at you but is just my thoughts relating to this thread:
Its your life, not the state's (they would say otherwise); it is not the church/synagogues either (they would probably also tell you that your life is not your own)
So many people when they are trying to work out what to do in life seem to look to society for inspiration. They give in to societal pressures/expectations without trying to establish whether or not its what FEELS right for them
When people think they're doing what they're supposed to do but they are still not happy this is because a part of their mind is communicating to them in the only way it can that something is not right in their world
This inner self cannot communicate in words like the conscious self can so its not going to say to you ''Listen! Somethings wrong here. We need to find out what it is and sort it out!''
Instead it will communicate through emotions. If we ignore our emotions then this creates an inner tension or conflict (cognitive dissonance) which will lead to anxiety/distress
Too much anxiety will lead to mania
Too many people when they experience anxiety/distress say to themselves: ''i don't feel right, there must be something wrong with me, i must pour myself a stiff drink or go to the doctors and get some pills to deaden these emotions i am feeling''
This is a very bad idea. It is better to LISTEN to what your inner self is saying to you and take steps in your external world to bring your life into alignment with your inner self.
Alcohol and anti-depressants will not resolve the inner conflict it will just shut out the voice of your inner self
People need to stop listening to what society tells them they should do. Society is simply a hierarchical pyramidal structure where the people at the top want the people at the bottom to behave in certain ways so that they can be controlled
Society is not interested in what makes you happy, society wants you to treat life as a giant box ticking exercise so that you keep doing the things that will perpetuate the system. Sure you may experience a momentary elation when you've ticked another box, but you'll soon be feeling the tug of the treadmill again as you strive towards the next goal: exams, job, car, marriage, mortgage, 2.4 children, midlife crisis, divorce......
The only thing that knows what is right for you is your inner self....be true to that. Learn to listen to it and act accordingly, whether in relationships, jobs, spirituality, sexuality, politics, activities.....whatever
Marriage is merely another box that many people feel they have to tick. Stop ticking boxes! This is your life experience....it is not an opportunity to heap pressure on yourself!
If you keep trying to tick boxes you will find that your life becomes like a treadmill which you are unable to get off. One day you will find you are having to sprint so fast to keep up with the treadmill your life has become that you are unable to stop sometimes and simply be
Debt and contracts are two of the chains that the system uses to keep people tied to the treadmill.
The more pressure you feel the faster the treadmill is going and the more likely it becomes that you will feel anxiety.
Slow the treadmill, take the pressure off yourself, don't let others heap pressure on you and take some time to enjoy life
Societal pressure will come in many forms for example in fallacies such as 'marriage shows commitment, so pin that person down! make sure they get you to the alter pronto!'
Don't pin anyone down.....don't pin yourself down and don't pin anyone else down....they are also having their life experience. Relax, and just enjoy being together.
This will probabaly be easier if you haven't just got yourselves in debt having a wedding ceremony that lasted ONE DAY!
Marriage is a contract. marriage is not what is at the core of a good relationship. Love, respect, shared values....these sorts of things are at the core of a good relationship.....work on those instead of ticking boxes, jumping through hoops and doing what everyone else expects you to do
I think a lot of people want some sort of fairytale hollywood romance, but life is not perfect! You don't just ride off into the sunset with a 'just married' sign on the back of your car. Life is day to day....most of the time its not the big things....most of it is made up of the little things.
Hollywood is simply a dream factory. It created cinemas during the great depression that were designed to look like palaces on the inside. They were called 'nickelodeons' because even people without much money could pay a nickel and go and watch a movie and be transported into a dream world where doey eyed starlets faint in the arms of heroic men. People would leave the cinema after their escapist experience and go back to their trivial and demeaning jobs dreaming of being swept off their feet by Clark Gable
This escapism doesn't help people. It just lessens the symptoms of the core problem. It enables people to 'hang on in quiet desperation' so that they can keep paying taxes and propping up a sick system
Forget all the expectations and pressure, listen to your heart and live your own life experience in accordance with your inner self
Rise above the pressure that will inevitably come from those tied to the treadmill!
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Let's cut to the quick here. We have layered it with religious sanctity and legal maneuvers, but what we are actually talking about here is PAIR BONDING. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. As humans, we have surrounded it with various beautiful traditions, some secular, some religious. We have political policies that underscore it. But while these things acknowledge it, they don't cause it. A piece of paper from the state can't make you married if you are't. Any catholic preists will tell you, the two marry each other; he just kind hangs around and enjoys the romance of the moment. So yeah, if I see two people forming a pair bond with the intent to create a family, I don't need for them to produce a certificate for me to understand that they are married.
NO!
What you are talking about is a RELATIONSHIP!
Birds have relationships, humans have relationships etc
Marriage is a contract tying people into the state
The number on your birth certificate is traded on the stock exchange and the numbers of your offspring are traded as well. The people behind the government believe they own you. When a worker dies in an accident the state extract fines from the company before the workers bereaved family can even seek compensation
The reason for this is because the state and the people behind it see you as their property
They believe they can regulate every aspect of your life including transcendent experiences such as a loving relationship
Marriage does not=love, it does not=commitment, it's a CONTRACT! It is related to property rights
Until relatively recently it was impossible for a woman to accuse her husband of rape. That is because the prevalent attitude was that YOU were the PROPERTY of your husband
Well the government still holds the view of you that you are its property. It can lock you up if it wants (without trial now due to NDAA); it can spy on you and tap your phones (thanks to the misnomered 'Patriot Act'); it is seeking to control every aspect of your life
If you think priests are involved in marriage to bathe in the romance of the situation then you are very wrong!
The church has always walked lock step with the government and is simply a layer in the fabric of the system. That's why the RC Church has often supported fascist regimes, its why people talked of the '3 estates' in medieval times, its why people were coerced into attending church every sunday before TV came on the scene so that preachers could tell them how to think from the pulpit
The RC Church makes you tell it all your dirty little secrets ('confession') so that it has control over you; Scientology do the same thing in their 'auditing sessions'; they tape these sessions including the ones with people like Tom Cruise who might be particularly damaged in his career if the 'church' leaked any of the info to the media.
The church has no right to sanctify your relationship, only god can do that and the church have no more claim to god then you or I.
It's all about control and people need to start waking up to that if they ever want to get off the treadmill
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Well muir, this is one of those occasions where we shall have to agree to disagree agreeably. 
I think we both did a good job of articulating our positions clearly, and, as Dennis Prager says, clarity is more important than agreement.
I think we both did a good job of articulating our positions clearly, and, as Dennis Prager says, clarity is more important than agreement.And on a side note, my husband proposed marriage to me with this song. And now it is stuck (very happily) in my head -- Thanks Gracie Ruth!
Someone with whom you don't have to work be comfortable being yourself. Someone who doesn't try to make you change to please them. Someone who keeps you a priority. Someone who doesn't make you feel as if you have something to earn to deserve them. Someone who doesn't make relationships feel like work because both of you are in it together. It's not one sided.
I'm not entirely sure, because I've never had a good partner, but I have an idea of what I might like. Understanding, depth, intelligence, creativity, compassion, independence. Those are all lovely traits. I'd like someone who I would have stimulating conversation with, and who I'd feel cared for by.
someone that loves you unconditionally. someone you start a conversation with about anything and go on for hours. willing to do anything to get you what you want. respects your decisions and is willing to let you live your dream and help you acheive your goals. plus alot of other things haha ^_^
Anyways:
Someone who brings out the best in you, truly believes in you, and encourages you to love and respect yourself and to be strong and independent
Someone who can retain their self-respect and independence throughout the relationship
Someone who you can be good friends with and be on the same wavelength with considerably
Someone who candidly shares happiness and humor with you
Honesty, while having the ability to keep control over anger and non-constructive criticism to try to find tactful and helpful ways of expressing it instead
Being able to put effort into action, sharing the reins of the relationship with you
Someone who can offer great support to you when you are weak or downtrodden
Foresight
Consideration/thoughtfulness
A considerable amount of self-knowledge
The ability to put a huge amount of trust in another person, and to be willing to sacrifice a lot and commit oneself to another person
Someone who brings out the best in you, truly believes in you, and encourages you to love and respect yourself and to be strong and independent
Someone who can retain their self-respect and independence throughout the relationship
Someone who you can be good friends with and be on the same wavelength with considerably
Someone who candidly shares happiness and humor with you
Honesty, while having the ability to keep control over anger and non-constructive criticism to try to find tactful and helpful ways of expressing it instead
Being able to put effort into action, sharing the reins of the relationship with you
Someone who can offer great support to you when you are weak or downtrodden
Foresight
Consideration/thoughtfulness
A considerable amount of self-knowledge
The ability to put a huge amount of trust in another person, and to be willing to sacrifice a lot and commit oneself to another person