What makes a reasonable boundary?

[MonkeyGrassGirl]

In a relationship, what makes a boundary a reasonable one? At what point does a boundary become just a personal preference or unreasonable demand? How far would you go to see that your boundaries are respected, and how many reminders would you issue before you drop the relationship?

 

[invisible]

there's nothing wrong with having a personal preference and asking for it to be respected. i think we do have to be able to be honest with ourselves and have a clear perspective on whether we really need something or whether we are just being precious. wanting to be alone in the bathroom for example is probably a pretty reasonable ask, all things considered - it just depends i think, it requires judgment. but if someone is really hurting us by their actions, and we have asked them to please stop but they haven't, why is it that they haven't? sometimes it is possible to find a way to protect ourselves within or remove ourselves from the particular problem situations, when the other person is not able to provide us with that level of respect - to find it in ourselves and assert it fearlessly and respectfully. this is preferable i think. other times this is not possible, or their willingness to cross our boundaries for their own purposes is pervasive to the relationship.

 

[Stu]

reminders are for datebooks. to set a proper boundary you need an electric collar

 

[invisible]

no mercy.

 

[Nixie]

I don't think there is some magical forumula for this. If you feel that the relationship is toxic then you have choices---say nothing and take it, do something and expect changes, leave. I am sure there are other variations but don't feel like stating all the contingencies since these three kind of hit the main sentiment.

I guess I figure if I'm obsessing about something in a relationship I gotta figure out where my stuff, his stuff and our stuff lie first. Then that gives me a clue as to where to start. If it is clear he is crossing boundaries, then I just let him know it. Depends on how stubburn he is as to how messy shit is gonna get.

 

[AzulSoul]

there's nothing wrong with having a personal preference and asking for it to be respected.

I agree with invisible on this, in a fulfilling relationship both partners with respect each other's preferences and needs. That being said, I think that a boundry is unreasonable if it restricts the freedom of your partner. By this I mean that a boundary should allow a partner to be themselves and take part in any action that does not cause emotional or physical harm to themselves or you.

 

[MonkeyGrassGirl]

Mmmm. In my experience, intensely stubborn people who don't like boundaries usually means fireworks (and not the pretty kind) in the face of the firm boundary setter. I suppose, then, it depends on your tolerance level for histrionics and drama, and ability to live with constant violation.

Silly example: For instance, I have a fairly busy day. My work is at home, and it's build around the schedules of others, namely, clients and my children (out of necessity). However, my partner calls me at least 5 times a day to do nothing but breathe in the phone (not to converse) and inquire about whether I've checked the mail. After frequent and firm requests that he not do it. And he becomes irate when I say, "No, and I won't be checking it until this evening. Please stop calling to ask." He'll call again, anyway, no matter how busy I am or how much irritation it causes me. Is this a reasonable boundary? Who's being violated here?

The thing that annoys me the most about my own tenancy toward dualism is: I can justify almost anyone's bad behavior for them. And, therefore, stay in a crappy situation almost indefinitely. Hence the wish for a clear-cut line...which I'll probably never really get.

(if you'll not quote this post, I'd appreciate it; I'm coming back to delete it this evening. )

 

[Stu]

(if you'll not quote this post, I'd appreciate it; I'm coming back to delete it this evening. )

This sounds like that show "Married my Stalker"

 

[invisible]

do you have caller id? if not, hang up.

 

[MonkeyGrassGirl]

Yeah. I do, and often do (not engaging/fighting it is TOUGH) It's a little disturbing when it's not just a crazy friend/stalker that's calling, but the person you live with. O.<