What does it mean to be in a relationship? | INFJ Forum

What does it mean to be in a relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WaeV, May 17, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 1 user.
More threads by WaeV
  1. WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Threads:
    15
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    -+/=
    Enneagram:
    ...
    Most everyone knows someone who has been affected by divorce. I've heard many different people say such things as


     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Threads:
    29
    Messages:
    4,189
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    11,441
    Trophy Points:
    887
    MBTI:
    uwot
    Enneagram:
    _
    Because they've formed their relationships on the basis of infatuation and superficial sexual attraction. There's even a quasi-scientific explanation for it:

    Love and infatuation aren't the same thing. They may overlap though, or the infatuation may grow into real amorous commitment, but infatuation is still largely a biological process which serves to create temporary chemical dependency on a partner during the initial stage of relationship (the effects of infatuation can last up to 18 months); nature's way of keeping two people together, prompting reproduction and any possible offspring has a higher chance of survival that way.

    Love in the context of a lasting/serious relationship is in my opinion a more conscious choice based on existing affection, a decision to preserve, invest time, effort, resources, honesty and trust into the union. Mutual acceptance, cooperation and respect. This is what I think constitutes a relationship.

    However people are dynamic creatures and their relations and feelings are a constant subject to change and influence. Sometimes even genuine feelings and earnest devotion can't salvage a relationship.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #2 Peppermint, May 17, 2010
    Last edited: May 17, 2010
    under skies likes this.
  3. analyst

    analyst Newbie

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2009
    Threads:
    5
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I'm divorced. I've watched multiple friends go through divorces. It happens. As humans, we are human, and we make mistakes. In almost all of the instances, both people went into the marriage with the best of intentions and wanted it to work. And in the end, one side broke it off for the reasons that, deep down, they probably always figured would end the relationship. Failure isn't an easy thing to accept.

    I loved my ex-wife when I was with her, and I love her to this day. I am not the right man for her, nor is she the right woman for me. We loved each other, but we just couldn't fulfill one another's needs enough to make it a successful relationship. Sometimes you do best by letting go, acknowledging your mistakes, and in the end, deciding that you need to do what it takes to make you happy...
     
  4. OP
    WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Threads:
    15
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    -+/=
    Enneagram:
    ...
    Hmm... I adapted my OP from an introductory paragraph to an essay I was writing, and I fear that its tone may have wrongfully come across as a melancholy and dejected rather than curious and inquiring.
    :md:

    Anyways, here are some paraphrased responses I got on another forum (which incidentally fell to the same problem) which I think you might find interesting:

     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,388
    Messages:
    28,136
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,816
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Very good quotes. Nice reality check. And they're all pretty much correct I think. It is too easy to get caught up in the feeling or romanticism of love, and not consider the person or compatibility. Another thing I would add is the tendency to confuse strong liking or attraction for love. It's very easy to want to trust our feelings, but superficial feelings can be so easily confused for love and real affection. Simply because there is an attraction, won't necessarily signify that it's anything more than that, and it doesn't necessarily imply there's enough for a relationship or lasting committment.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #5 Gaze, May 18, 2010
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  6. Faye

    Faye ^_^
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2009
    Threads:
    312
    Messages:
    7,294
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4,780
    Trophy Points:
    892
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Gridania
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    "Together these chemicals sometimes override the brain activity that governs logic."

    Wait, there is a logical part of the brain? Where?
     
  7. OP
    WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Threads:
    15
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    -+/=
    Enneagram:
    ...
    Heh, I assume they're speaking in metaphor.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2009
    Threads:
    289
    Messages:
    10,787
    Likes Received:
    1,931
    Trophy Points:
    453
    MBTI:
    Meh
    Enneagram:
    Meh
    To be in a relationship is to make compromises and to try and meet the other person half way. If you aren't willing to take your partner's needs into consideration, you don't truly care for them (in my opinion). Being in a relationship is work, and it definitely is not easy. It's not all lovey dovey all the time. It isn't always easy and happy. It will only succeed if both parties are working towards coming to the same understanding and respect.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  9. That Girl

    That Girl Do you have my answers?
    Donor

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2010
    Threads:
    29
    Messages:
    1,634
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    First. A quote from House of Leaves:

    Question: Does this mean that no one can really meet ''halfway'' and there will always be that one person that is just a fraction off which makes them unhappier than the other person?

    Answer: I personally believe that coming to an exact middle point in a relationship is impossible since every time you move a new halfway point is made (so regardless of how you compromise you will never get to the point are attempting). But every time you do move that halfway point is closer to the two opposing sides. If each person moves together at an equal rate (or even if one person moves faster than the other) then it becomes easier and easier to see all sides from the point you are at. It almost makes the impossibility of coming to middle ground not as depressing because you will at least be able to see where the other person is coming from. In this fashion each person still gets their own stance (point on the line). Reaching the middle ground becomes unnecessary.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. Faye

    Faye ^_^
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2009
    Threads:
    312
    Messages:
    7,294
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4,780
    Trophy Points:
    892
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Gridania
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Well, a marriage is as much an economic/business agreement as it is an ideal. What it means dependents heavily on the socio-economic reality of the parties involved. It is very complicated, but I wouldn't attribute the increase in divorce or divorce to a lack of willingness or attribution of meaning on the part of people. That may be a factor, but it isn't an independent factor, so attempting to understand it as such will obscure the reality of the issue.
     
  11. slant

    slant amour-propre
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    358
    Messages:
    11,594
    Featured Threads:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23,254
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    ****
    Enneagram:
    6-4-9
    To be honest with you I have no idea. Basically, recently it's been proven to me that I have no desire to be in a relationship whatsoever. The first two or three days of the idea are absolutely fantastic and amazing but then comes the logical in depth assessment and I determine that everything I believe in is against relying on another person in any way that could be avoided so I just overlook it. Friendships to me are much more satisfactory.

    I think people like relationships because of sex pretty much. If they didn't want sex they would just want friends and family.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. OP
    WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Threads:
    15
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    -+/=
    Enneagram:
    ...
    Hmm... well, your post makes sense, but I think the word "compromise" needs to be clarified.

    This is from the book in which the garden example is made (Intimate Marriage: Developing a Life Partnership, by Barry and Emily McCarthy).
    I feel like that's similar to what you were trying to say, but the term "compromise" seems to be more about averaging away issues without really coming to terms with them. The agreement process strategy is more about coming to terms with the issues behind the disagreement, and then agreeing on a solution.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  13. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    8,792
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    950
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Don't forget children as well. Many people do want children, to raise a family. In many countries, the idea of marriage and having a family is the ultimate motivator in the culture.

    Some societies still revere marriage as a moral and religious contract rather than socio-economic such as we have in the US. The religious and even moral aspect is more of an option for the participants to integrate in the US.

    Also, I think the monogamous relationship still holds much power in that you choose the one person in the world who you will trust and provide for above all else (besides children). It is really hard to tell who you can trust, and so many like that rock-solid agreement that "This is who I can trust, we are in this together."

    I think a lot of people are quick to give up, myself included. Miscommunication and emotional turmoil can really alter your perspective of someone and I think it takes a certain level of maturity and commitment to work through the hard times.

    Some people just don't work well together, and that can be blatantly obvious at times. I am always amazed at those peopl who do stick around. Like the wife who put up with her huband's fits and aggressiveness for over 20 years after he could no longer develop new memories, she stuck with and helped him through all of it. That simply blows my mind!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  14. OP
    WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Threads:
    15
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    -+/=
    Enneagram:
    ...
    Well, yes I think I would agree with you. But it's more than just sex, there's a lot of things dependent on and resulting from sex. I'm normally pretty good with metaphors, but all I can think of right now is that sex is like a hydrogen atom, which is a component in a lot of different compounds.

    I think that ideally one's partner is also one's best friend. But whereas friends are only emotionally/mentally intimate, partners/spouses are also physically intimate. What if every person you have a relationship with (friend, family, romantic, whatever) has a sort of scale of emotional and physical intimacy with you? Like, your sister is allowed to tickle you, but not your friend Joe. Anyways, a partner would ideally be the most intimate in all categories. Everyone has intimacy needs (though to different degrees) and for some people a marriage is the best way to meet those needs in a stable, reliable, trusting fashion.

    Aside from physical intimacy for its own sake, slant, sex also allows a couple to have children, which is another thing entirely. So while the desire for sex is one of the key drives for establishing a partnership versus a friendship, it's not quite so basic.

    Edit: Haha, you already started to address my last point before I finished posting. Good point about other cultures, too. I may have a post on that in a day or two.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #14 WaeV, May 19, 2010
    Last edited: May 19, 2010
  15. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,388
    Messages:
    28,136
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,816
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    I think desire for levels of physical intimacy is relative. Not everyone feels that strong and constant physical intimacy is necessary to feel close. Sometimes, emotional intimacy matters more. Of course emotional intimacy tends to create a desire for close physical intimacy, but physical intimacy by itself may not be enough for many.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  16. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    8,792
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    950
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    I think trust, or the feeling of providing for one another in all aspects is the core foundation, sex is one component of provision and not completely necessary.

    Trust is quite foundational for many women in sex, although not all.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  17. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,388
    Messages:
    28,136
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,816
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Can't speak for all women, and i'd venture to say, many men probably feel this way as well, but trust is usually considered a basis for close emotional and physical intimacy.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #17 Gaze, May 19, 2010
    Last edited: May 19, 2010
  18. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    8,792
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    950
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    It is true for me, but I know plenty of men who have proven quite the contrary. But maybe they feel self-sufficient enough to not need the trust of another person. Or, if they are cheating, they feel the trust of their true significant other is enough and so they do not need it in their extramarital affairs. That is, until the significant other finds out!

    When I think of people that don't need trust, I think of those that participate in 1 night stands and really don't know much about the other person, they simply want to be physically stimulated. Perhaps emotionally too, but it is more of a thrill-seeking rather than security-seeking. Perhaps the two are intertwined as well. I am not sure!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  19. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,388
    Messages:
    28,136
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,816
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    This^^^. So, it really depends on what they are seeking from the relationship.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  20. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    8,792
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    950
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    With some men you also get the misplaced idea of hoarding resources. They see sex as a metric of accomplishment.

    The more new partners one has sex with, the more successful that person is. That is commonly used to increase social status with others. I don't know many that would have that mindset outside of a social context, it would be more based on thrill-seeking.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
Loading...

Share This Page