What does a Deep Connection mean to an INFJ?

[Caneman]

I am married to an absolutely wonderful INFJ woman… when we were courting and then engaged we had deep connection with one another (the S part of me didn’t really consciously know this, I just knew I was in love with her, but my wife says she had this with me)… but over the years of marriage and life we have lost most of that connection we had with one another early on… we both recently took the MB personality profile tests, and I soon discovered what a rare personality treasure my wife is (the 1%)!

Being an ISTJ (which I understand parts of us can absolutely annoy the hell out of an INFJ) I am on a mission to understand what this ‘deep connection’ means to her and try to meet my wife at that deep intimate place within her core… being an N my wife knows what a deep connection means to her but she can’t really explain it to me… the gap between N and S is a large one! So I stumble across this website dedicated to INFJs, and what better place could there be to try and understand my wife? You INFJs are outstanding with the written word, my wife is truly a gifted writer and I am sure many of you on here are as well…

I would really appreciate it if you could try to explain to this pathetic ISTJ what a deep intimate connection is to an INFJ… thank you! and, what parts of the ISTJ annoy you to no end (no worries, I can take it, I will not be confrontational about it :humble: )

 

[jssanderson747]

Think about it like this.... you may consider yourself this "pathetic sudo common ISTJ" but she, she thinks you're one of a kind. That deep connection you speak of is an unconscious and ever present devotion. It's like love but not as mushy and silly. It's hard to explain so I'll speak of a connection I had that felt somewhat similar. It's an odd love that sort of borders on maternal and romantic. You're both protective/supportive but also certain and visceral. There's no doubt, just trust. It's odd, very unlike most other people. Most tend to enjoy gossipping and complaining about their spouses/loved ones while this sort of connection sort of makes you feel wrong about doing that. You just want to rave about how much you care about them and how they make you feel and think and.... it's really... quite special.
That's about as best as I can do but I'm sure there are others who could further explain.

Some things that bug me about ISTJs... they tend to be a weirdly similar type to us. Their biggest differences are perhaps where they annoy me the most. Humor and interests being the differences.

 

[DonTaushMe]

I've never been in a relationship where I actually loved the person though I will say I have many best friends that I have loved completely and one in particular that loved me back the same. For me personally, I'm constantly thinking and making connections between everything in life and I like to talk about these things if not to have a conversation then to really just get them out. The friend I had that I felt loved me the same not only let me do this, but she wanted to know more. She had a genuine interest and desire to understand every aspect of me in a verbal communication and nothing I said was judged, I was completely safe.

To me, love means complete acceptance and understanding. I have a best friend right now who is religious, and she's not very religious or rather not religious in the sense that she pushes others; she understands that pushing her beliefs on people is aggressive, offensive and stresses every relationship -and at the same time I'm atheist. I have had a really horrible growing up with people pushing religion on me and saying things to me that are black and white -do this or you will suffer for all eternity- and she understands that and doesn't push. When she does slip up and talk about God for whatever reason, she felt believing in him helped her, I don't get angry. I love who she is as a person and understand that if she didn't believe in God she wouldn't be exactly who she is, and shes a great person.

For me it's very easy to understand and accept someone, but to still love them after the fact is something more and to have that same someone love me in such a way in return is an amazing feeling.

Ask for what I don't appreciate in an ISTJ, I wouldn't know if I've ever met one. That being said the thing I will tell you I cannot deal with is the burden of people -the idea that if I'm not doing something to someone else's definition of greatness I should be constantly scolded until I do. When things stop being a conversation and start being an argument or a demand, I can't deal with that. At the same time I need the people in my life to be happy, semi content and have goals they're actively accomplishing. Though that is more because I live with people the exact opposite of that, and it's very depressing.

 

[NK278]

A deep connection to me means safety, and love (which includes concern for the others well being and vice versa), it means reprieve in trust and honesty. It means my mind and heart are with this person even when I'm not actually with them.

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

I never manage deep connections with s types, only ever n types.
I really miss the connection I had with the INFJ who treated me badly.
I think this is where withholding oneself is an issue.
I can't go deep with 95% of the people I meet and my God do I miss it.
:-(

 

[Caneman]

Thanks for your replies thus far, it helps!

I think the hard thing for an S like me to understand is the communication differences:

ISTJ = socially awkward, small talk can be a challenge, and conversations are for: gathering facts and information, finding answers, and drawing conclusions... doing this quickly while expending as little psychological energy as possible... not a great means of communication for developing a deep interpersonal relationship between husband and wife... I can see how this might drive Ns crazy!

this is where I would like insights, as for:

INFJ - conversations and discussions are for sharing possibilities, pondering the meaning behind situations and information, affirming feelings and emotions, and being in no hurry to do this and in a calm and relaxed manner ?????? I really am clueless, please help me understand

 

[sprinkles]

It's like the ocean. We can list off factoids and descriptions all we want but it is no replacement for actually taking a dive for yourself. You can 'learn' about the ocean's depths all you want, but you won't have been there unless you were there.

Understand?

 

[Hard]

I've always equated a "deep connection" when there is a very strong mutual understanding between two people, as well as a sense of ease and comfort. There's often a lot of shared interests, and each other either has similar, or quickly gets another persons thoughts and thought processes. There isn't much need to have to explain things from a different angle.

It's not something that is easy to quantify with words. You simply know it when you have it.

 

[DonTaushMe]

I am married to an absolutely wonderful INFJ woman… when we were courting and then engaged we had deep connection with one another (the S part of me didn’t really consciously know this, I just knew I was in love with her, but my wife says she had this with me)… but over the years of marriage and life we have lost most of that connection we had with one another early on

this is where I would like insights, as for:

INFJ - conversations and discussions are for sharing possibilities, pondering the meaning behind situations and information, affirming feelings and emotions, and being in no hurry to do this and in a calm and relaxed manner ?????? I really am clueless, please help me understand

Have you talked to her about it? For the most part we need to be allowed to keep talking, or keep thinking, because while we are doing so we're concluding our thought process into a kind of solved problem. But you should talk to her about it, shut up while she talks of course, but chances are she knows what she feels shes missing and what she seems to think she had before. That being said I can be very secretive when I'm feeling defeated, or that I can't make things better and I just shut down. Keep talking to her as this can be a huge problem for anyone; I'm assuming you want to stay married to her.

 

[Caneman]

I've always equated a "deep connection" when there is a very strong mutual understanding between two people, as well as a sense of ease and comfort. There's often a lot of shared interests, and each other either has similar, or quickly gets another persons thoughts and thought processes. There isn't much need to have to explain things from a different angle.

It's not something that is easy to quantify with words. You simply know it when you have it.

Oh my gosh, that's it!!! You just put in words what I have been thinking about for the last few days... I literally was just getting ready to post something just like this... leave it to an INFJ to put it in words so clearly and elegantly...

You INFJs are so rare, mysterious, and wonderful that the rest of us barbarians don't know what to think about you, as we are not used to interacting with a person wired like this... I can see how you would get very frustrated because it is so easy and natural for you to completely understand everyone due to your INFJ super powers, but yet not have anyone else get you at all... how hard that must be.

As an ISTJ we are common dolts, and the general population is fairly used to dealing with us and generally gets us so we don't share the same frustration of not being able to have a 'deep connection' with another person...

I can see how NFs really enjoy other NFs because there is no explaining on how to understand one another, you just get one another and it is satisfying...

In theory the ISTJ/INFJ marriage is doomed from the start due to the two being polar opposites, especially the huge divide between the S and N functions... however, we ISTJs are known as the 'Inspector' personality type, and we alone are uniquely qualified to solve the mystery of understanding the inner core of the INFJ, probably better than any other non NF personality type... us ISTJs are nearly unstoppable once we believe we can accomplish a goal, and that is the feeling I now have in trying to understand this 'deep connection'...

my INFJ wife just wants me to 'get' her, I don't have to think the same way she does, or feel the same way she does, she just needs me to understand how she thinks and feels without being able to explain it or have to explain it... that is the deep connection... in casual conversation she just wants to fantasize about possibilities and ask questions to understand why without having to come to any conclusions or completion and to do this in a relaxed and calm manner... the truth is she can't explain how she ticks, and it is up to the Inspector in me to solve this mystery and I will... I will do this because I love her, I just love to be next to her as she is so warm and soothing, we don't have to say anything or do anything, just be with one another, it feels so good to me... just silently sit next to her is awesome!!! when she is out of town and not next to me in bed i feel restless and can't sleep at all because the warmth of her presence isn't there to calm and soothe me

anyway, i am rambling on, thank you so much for sharing your insights, you have helped me understand my goal (we ISTJs like to know the end at the beginning, and once we do get out of the way ) and now i am well on my journey of understanding her...

 

[Caneman]

Have you talked to her about it? For the most part we need to be allowed to keep talking, or keep thinking, because while we are doing so we're concluding our thought process into a kind of solved problem. But you should talk to her about it, shut up while she talks of course, but chances are she knows what she feels shes missing and what she seems to think she had before. That being said I can be very secretive when I'm feeling defeated, or that I can't make things better and I just shut down. Keep talking to her as this can be a huge problem for anyone; I'm assuming you want to stay married to her.

Yes, we have talked about it, and yes I love my INFJ and want to stay married to her...

Thank you for your insights as my wife is similar - i need to shut up and just listen, let her fantasize about possibilities and fantasize with her regarding the topic, let her ask questions so she can understand the why behind something and be patient with her as she is processing it...

I think that early on the energy of mutual love bridged the gap for me not being able to understand how she ticks, eventually of course this energy does not last (i.e. honey moon phase)... as an ISTJ we expect others think like we do, and when we see that they don't we get frustrated very quickly with that person and even begin to have a diminishing opinion of them... horrible, i know, but that is how we can be wired because we can be so confident is our facts and opinions even if we are wrong but don't know it... i think you can see how this would eventually destroy any type of connection one might have with another...

I am hopeful now, though, because I am beginning to understand how the INFJ works, learning every day... this has helped me connect the dots so well why things have gone the way they have over the years... she really does love me as her #1 love even though her inner drive is to fulfill her need to help other people, she is just wired this way and it fulfills her... even though she does have a desire to empathize and help others and spend time with them that does not mean I am not her most important person... this has been a hard concept for me to understand!

she just wants me to understand how she thinks and feels without having to explain it, and the truth is she admits that she can't explain it!

 

[DonTaushMe]

she really does love me as her #1 love even though her inner drive is to fulfill her need to help other people, she is just wired this way and it fulfills her... even though she does have a desire to empathize and help others and spend time with them that does not mean I am not her most important person... this has been a hard concept for me to understand!

I know from myself I like helping people, understanding why whomever seems so damaged and refuses to get up and get going, that being said when I get home I want to relax and not be around Joe Smo who's fucked up their life. I need to be around people with drive to succeed, are passionate and somewhat happy -happier than most. And if she enjoys you more than these others chances are you are that to her, you are her rock. Stay that way, she needs to be comfortable and safe, you both do. And keep listening. Everything is connected, everything is possible, there's never just one conclusion -not in the mind of an INFJ.

 

[Hard]

Oh my gosh, that's it!!! You just put in words what I have been thinking about for the last few days... I literally was just getting ready to post something just like this... leave it to an INFJ to put it in words so clearly and elegantly...

You INFJs are so rare, mysterious, and wonderful that the rest of us barbarians don't know what to think about you, as we are not used to interacting with a person wired like this... I can see how you would get very frustrated because it is so easy and natural for you to completely understand everyone due to your INFJ super powers, but yet not have anyone else get you at all... how hard that must be.

As an ISTJ we are common dolts, and the general population is fairly used to dealing with us and generally gets us so we don't share the same frustration of not being able to have a 'deep connection' with another person...

I can see how NPs really enjoy other NPs because there is no explaining on how to understand one another, you just get one another and it is satisfying...

In theory the ISTJ/INFJ marriage is doomed from the start due to the two being polar opposites, especially the huge divide between the S and N functions... however, we ISTJs are known as the 'Inspector' personality type, and we alone are uniquely qualified to solve the mystery of understanding the inner core of the INFJ, probably better than any other non NP personality type... us ISTJs are nearly unstoppable once we believe we can accomplish a goal, and that is the feeling I now have in trying to understand this 'deep connection'...

my INFJ wife just wants me to 'get' her, I don't have to think the same way she does, or feel the same way she does, she just needs me to understand how she thinks and feels without being able to explain it or have to explain it... that is the deep connection... in casual conversation she just wants to fantasize about possibilities and ask questions to understand why without having to come to any conclusions or completion and to do this in a relaxed and calm manner... the truth is she can't explain how she ticks, and it is up to the Inspector in me to solve this mystery and I will... I will do this because I love her, I just love to be next to her as she is so warm and soothing, we don't have to say anything or do anything, just be with one another, it feels so good to me... just silently sit next to her is awesome!!! when she is out of town and not next to me in bed i feel restless and can't sleep at all because the warmth of her presence isn't there to calm and soothe me

anyway, i am rambling on, thank you so much for sharing your insights, you have helped me understand my goal (we ISTJs like to know the end at the beginning, and once we do get out of the way ) and now i am well on my journey of understanding her...

Well, I don't know if I am INFJ or not, I could actually be ISTJ like you. I caution you to not put INFJ's on a pedastal. There has only been one major study on the commonness of personality types, and has not been replicated. As such, we really can't say if INFJ's are all that rare or not. Besides, rareness doesn't equate to how "special" something is. You're wife is a special individual because of what she has been worth to you, not because of her type.

I also wouldn't worry too much about literally understanding her. It's possible to simply "get" someone without being able to articulate it. Either way, you seem to understand it, which is ultimately what matters.

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

My INFJ was like going out with my double, when he turned against me he ripped a huge hole in my heart, add to that his family turning on me and dressing lies about me. I had a deep connection with him which I haven't ever had with another human being. The damage he has done to me is a real soul wound, it will last forever.

 

[acd]

My INFJ was like going out with my double, when he turned against me he ripped a huge hole in my heart, add to that his family turning on me and dressing lies about me. I had a deep connection with him which I haven't ever had with another human being. The damage he has done to me is a real soul wound, it will last forever.

Find your strength to forgive and move on. At this point , you are the one choosing to hurt yourself. What he has done is done.

 

[Hard]

it will last forever.

I assume you're in your 20's?

It won't.

 

[Caneman]

Worship INFJs? No.

Admire and be amazed at their unusual gifts and qualities? Yes.

Let me give you a few examples of my INFJ wife.

Being somewhat introverted she is shy, reserved, and a little socially awkward, and she is not too skilled at small talk. However, she can within minutes be friends with just about anyone if she wants to, and that person absolutely loves her. I am not aware of anyone ever not liking my wife, or my wife ever having any 'enemies'. She has a special people gift to make others feel good when she is around them and believe that she genuinely cares about them... they sense her warmness and believe that she gets them completely...

The intuition is absolutely amazing, I can't hide any feelings from her as she knows about them at all times... so I don't even bother, as an ISJT it is easy for me to wear my feelings outward and be forthright so I just do it because she has me busted anyway! (but the trick is to know how to do this and not hurt their feelings as they are hypersensitive!)

Intellect? Unbelievable. We will be watching a movie and about halfway through I will say something like "ohhhhhhh, the good guy is the bad guy" or something really profound like that, and she will say to me "no kidding I knew that after the first 10 minutes"... !!! Or, how about this, I have scored on IQ tests that put me in the top 1% of the population, and when I work on a jigsaw puzzle I look at the box cover of the puzzle picture to try and figure out where the pieces will go... she tells me this is "cheating", and she puts the puzzle together without looking at the picture! Who does that?! Nobody I know except her... she can make me feel like an absolute mental idiot, but she is a such a kind, caring, and warm person (as many INFJs are) she would never intentionally try to make me feel like that...

This will creep you out, but she has some spiritual/psychic abilities... she will just know when a friend who lives 200 miles away is not doing well before she even talks to them... she wakes up in the middle of the night and gets 'visions' that are truly amazing...

I could go on, but my INFJ wife is like no other person I have ever met, and I see her special personality giftedness as a gift from God.

 

[DonTaushMe]

Intellect? Unbelievable. We will be watching a movie and about halfway through I will say something like "ohhhhhhh, the good guy is the bad guy" or something really profound like that, and she will say to me "no kidding I knew that after the first 10 minutes"... !!!

I've noticed this too! Do people really not get who the bad guy is as quickly as I do when watching TV??? I've been wondering this lately. I'm not overly intelligent, my IQ is above average but I'm no genius. That's crazy to think though! I honestly thought you guy's usually knew... Now I feel like a dick lol.

 

[Caneman]

I've noticed this too! Do people really not get who the bad guy is as quickly as I do when watching TV??? I've been wondering this lately. I'm not overly intelligent, my IQ is above average but I'm no genius. That's crazy to think though! I honestly thought you guy's usually knew... Now I feel like a dick lol.

when you have a gift like that you just believe everyone thinks that way too... until you realize this isn't true at all and most people are going to be several steps behind you in their thinking...

most people who have gifts dont think they are any big deal because it comes so naturally and effortless to them...

 

[technics]

we ISTJs are known as the 'Inspector' personality type, and we alone are uniquely qualified to solve the mystery of understanding the inner core of the INFJ, probably better than any other non NF personality type... us ISTJs are nearly unstoppable once we believe we can accomplish a goal, and that is the feeling I now have in trying to understand this 'deep connection'.

Watch the video below. But let me tell you, if you think this is something you have to "solve" and that you're "unstoppable" in it, then you're definitely going the wrong way.

try to explain to this pathetic ISTJ what a deep intimate connection is to an INFJ

It's not really it, but it comes very close to it. You might also find yourself being addressed by Mr. Sagan in this video.

[video=youtube;4PN5JJDh78I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PN5JJDh78I[/video]