[INFJ] - What did you learned from each failed relationship? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] What did you learned from each failed relationship?

Artemisia

Artemisia

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May 20, 2014
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They say that every relationship, whether successful or not, teaches you a lot about yourself. So what were the main lessons (good and bad) you learned from each failed dating relationship (assuming you've had a few that lasted from a couple of months to years). I'll start.

Guy #1: Got my drive to be an academic (and topic of my PhD) from being around him. Learned to publish my work ASAP. Also learned that fake people (him) are dangerous.
Guy #2: Academics are not necessarily to be respected. Learned to write and edit properly from him. Learned to not bother with men who are seeing another woman occasionally.
Guy #3: That it is not my fault he could not get it up. We could still be friends.
Guy #4: Don't get involved with a narcissist who says from the beginning he is not good at relationships. Became more athletic due to him
Guy #5: Neediness is unattractive. Men who want to be taken care of not for me.
Guy #6: Listen to instincts when they are telling you that a guy is crazy (he is schizophrenic apparently). Avoidant personalities come on strong initially.
Guy #7: Younger guys can be more mature sometimes; learned about spirituality and to love and work on myself more.

Now it's your turn. I should note that this probably works best when the poster is over 30 and has had some dating and life experience under his/her belt.
 
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Hey! I'm 26. I count, right?

Girl #1: I don't like girls. Closet time!
Guy #1: Who you think you know online isn't necessarily who it really is in person. I don't work well with hard introverts. He understood me deeply though. We could definitely be good friends again if his world wasn't totally separate from mine (in lifestyle and in distance).
Guy #2: Taught me to re-evaluate myself in a serious way, in terms of my own self image and ability to actually reach out and do things with confidence. Breakup really caused a downward spiral that turned me from being the passive "see life fly by me" person into someone who was actually more involved in life. I still had a ton of deep rooted insecurities though which pop up later.
Guy #3: Younger. First person I ever met one on one and could hold a steady conversation with. He's the one who really made me who I am today. Much more secure in myself, much more ready for the world, exposed me to a lot of great people, expanded my friend group, etc. We split up due to a homewrecking (silly ENFP's being unable to resist temptation), but that was a while ago. Still roommates to this day, best friends. I don't really see eye to eye with him on a lot of things, and am starting to move past him in the sense of where I am wanting to be at in life (going into my career, he's still in school). But overall, really positive relationship. Really transformed my self image. But in a way, it was such a non-conflict relationship that I never ended up having to deal with my deep rooted issues. And it was definitely stagnant. I think the last year we were together we definitely were in it purely out of obligation and nothing going wrong enough to want to split. The breakup was a horrific time in my life, but I got really into fitness because of it.
Guy #4: Still kind of dealing with the aftermath. This one really challenged my deep rooted insecurities and my more flawed behaviors. Still pretty hurt by it but getting better. I hope by the end of it I will have a more matured, fully realized idea of who I am, and no longer feeling like this insecure teenager deep down inside. Hoping to get to a point where I feel secure in myself in a way that doesn't rely on others. Hoping I'll be able to understand people better and be able to approach different people's way of going about things more, as I already feel like I'm better at that now. Coping with my emotions, learning to accept the negative ones. It was such a short stint but yet impacted me so deeply, in a way I've not felt with any of the other ones. Oh - learn to not trust things at face value and respect going slow. If I had that skill I would likely have never got involved with this guy. Scary all in who gets you completely over the summer isn't "prince charming rescuing me" it means it's a person with emotional dependencies wanting to chew you up before he moves onto the next. Take it slow. If it's real, it'll prove itself in time. Don't inflate expectations otherwise.
 
#1 don't wipe boogers on my sleeves
#2 -6 Dating is pointless if you don't have transportation or live near each other.
#7 Sometimes you can manipulate a person if you cry. Ultimately I learned that you can't control a person, you just have to let them be their own person and you can't own them.
#8 Poor single moms are not my type.
#9 Re-dating a person is a bad idea, and long-term dating before fully healing after a breakup is a bad idea. Also I don't think the swingers life is for me.
#10 Older women have a lot to offer, dress better
#11 Social workers tend to have big hearts and big scars, be more liberal
#12 All truth is God's truth

I'm sure I'm missing someone and their lesson in there.
 
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Well, I'm only 22 and don't have much of relationship experience, but I learned few things from the previous relationship nevertheless. :p

Guy #1: Listen to your intuition. If things aren't as they seem to be... You are right. You should have run and never looked back! The good thing is that the break up made me learn more about myself and what I really want from the relationships in general, I grew as a human being to much stronger and a little bit more confident.
 
Without specifics, each person I had a relationship with made me a better person in a variety of ways. The longer the relationship the more personal growth I experienced. There are very few people I've dated who haven't taught me something. Some taught me through sorrow, some through happiness. Some I wouldn't consider being involved with again, others I would welcome with open arms as friends.
 
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  • I learned how to advocate for my own needs, ask for help in meeting those needs when I need help, and not have any expectations once asked.

  • I learned nonviolent communication as per Marshall B. Rosenberg.

  • I learned how to remain present and engaged, and listen, even when presented with challenge to doing so.

  • I learned that I can trust my heart fully and without condition, and that it has never led me astray.

  • I learned it is never acceptable, under any circumstances, to touch me without my consent; more specifically, it is never OK to strike me, or use coercive physical force against my person.

  • I learned about my sexuality and the nature of my libido, and that those are not things to be ashamed of.

  • I learned that I am responsible for, and own, all that is my responsibility, and I can neither take on that which is not, nor ask another to take on that which is mine.

  • I learned that people cheat.

  • I learned that I should never, ever, ignore a red flag.

  • I learned that I find narcissists attractive due to the circumstances of my past, and I should do all I can to avoid becoming codependent with them.

  • I learned that I express, receive, and understand love in particular ways, and it is preferable that a would-be partner and I be closely aligned in those ways.

Cheers,
Ian
 
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1. Co-dependency does not equal a healthy relationship. At all.

2. Rebounds feel good at first, but ultimately hurt the other person. Also, never date a depressive person again.

3. Don't get too attached until you've met in person.

4. Be more decisive and recognise what you deserve.

5. Pay attention to the little things that you just can't get over. Trust your gut.

6. It's ok to have a bit of fun with someone you can trust, but be careful with their feelings.

7. Remember that it's ok to want more, even if they're a good person. Trust your gut.

8. Don't let infatuation blind you to the reality of him and the situation. Acknowledge those red flags! Trust your gut.

9. ?


I'm still learning to trust my gut....
 
Unofficial Guy #1 : Don't be desperate for anyone who says they like you. Don't do crazy stuff for anyone.

From here on it's official relationships:

Guy #1: Don't date a guy who's petty towards your idols. (He hated the fact that I had C. Ronaldo posters hanging in my room)
Guy #2: Never say yes to someone who asks you to date him when 1/4 of your family and half of the city is around you. Don't be afraid to turn him down. Also: do not take someone back if you break up with them. If it doesn't feel right, stick with your decision and don't let yourself be swayed because you feel bad for him. And: if he cheats on you once, he will cheat on you again!
Guy #3: Only have a long distance relationship if the guy is also patient enough.
 
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Artemisia said:
They say that every relationship, whether successful or not, teaches you a lot about yourself. So what were the main lessons (good and bad) you learned from each failed dating relationship (assuming you've had a few that lasted from a couple of months to years). I'll start.

Guy #1: Got my drive to be an academic (and topic of my PhD) from being around him. Learned to publish my work ASAP. Also learned that fake people (him) are dangerous.
Guy #2: Academics are not necessarily to be respected. Learned to write and edit properly from him. Learned to not bother with men who are seeing another woman occasionally.
Guy #3: That it is not my fault he could not get it up. We could still be friends.
Guy #4: Don't get involved with a narcissist who says from the beginning he is not good at relationships. Became more athletic due to him
Guy #5: Neediness is unattractive. Men who want to be taken care of not for me.
Guy #6: Listen to instincts when they are telling you that a guy is crazy (he is schizophrenic apparently). Avoidant personalities come on strong initially.
Guy #7: Younger guys can be more mature sometimes; learned about spirituality and to love and work on myself more.

Now it's your turn. I should note that this probably works best when the poster is over 30 and has had some dating and life experience under his/her belt.
Click to expand...

Guy 1) - You can't change people who don't want to change.
Guy 2) - Never give a fuck boy the benefit of the doubt.
Guy 3) - I have issue's.
Guy 4) - I have issue's.
Guy 5) - I have issue's.
Guy 6) - I have issue's.
 
Not to settle for less than I deserve. The older I get the more quality (of character) I attract, and that is what I offer in return as I grow and continue to love myself.

Extroverts don't really cut it for me intellectually, and haven't in the past. Time could prove me wrong, but most situations with extroverted women were hook ups or sex flings, neither of which appeal to me anymore. That and I just don't have much of anything in common with these types.

Learn how to be in the moment and contemplate less inside of my mind. If she's into you and shows it (however subtle) and I find her attractive, just ask her to hang out. Burying myself in my head has caused situations to fold because of my constant over analyzing and focusing too much on the ideals of my current musical ambitions. Which, being a natural way of processing for the INFJ, has become somewhat of a nuisance for me.

I cannot fail; I either win, or I learn. I apply this mantra to almost everything, though.
 
I am being very beside the point here I know, but I don't like to think of them as failures, because they brought me things that I needed at those times in my life. But now that I have been contrary,

I did learn a lot about what it means to really love and respect another person... and that I shouldn't necessarily be treating myself any differently from that.

I learned that some things are private, even from someone you love, for example, your digestive system. And if you ask them to keep out of it, they should be able to respect that.

I guess I learned lots of other things too.
 
#1 If a girl has or keeps a friend or friends that are jealous of her, then she has a hard time understanding human emotions and intentions and so may be taken advantage of by others or likes attention too much.

#2 Listening to your girlfriend doesn't mean you take responsibility for her problems and spontaneous crying is a sign of emotional instability and not emotional sensitivity.

#3 If a girl has to tell you she likes you, then she probably doesn't and just likes the positive attention.

#4 Her emotions are not a litmus test of your relationship's health, but an aspect of her personality.

#5 A women's honesty is in her actions not her words.

#6 Some women just like men as accessories

#7 You think you know someone, place them under stress, then you know them.

#8 What do you act like when you're not feeling well that's who I want to meet.

#9 All Sex and no talking seems like a good thing at first.

#10 having shared interests does not mean you have a lot in common.

#11 Emotions are the life of the relationship, you are dating this person's emotional life, not their body.

#12 All adults act like children on certain days you're not hallucinating or going insane.

#13 The unintentional matters more than the intended at the end of the day

#14 The Nature and Character of person is all that matters in the end.

#15 Meeting a person's needs isn't your job as much as support, respect, and affection are necessary for a functioning relationship

#16 Know how all of her and your different personalities mix; 2 out of 5 isn't a winner.

#17 Stay away from simple and normal people

#18 Knowing Who to be with is like knowing what you should do with your life, where you should live, and what you should eat.

#19 The Person who actually forgives you is the one for you.
 
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Wyote said:
wdym exactly :thonking:

I like your list
Click to expand...
Well, if a girl says she is a simple or normal person or presents herself as a simple normal person, then that may be a way for her to hide her latent emotional instability. Emotional stability is what is most important in a partner if you don't want a lot of drama and stress long term, not simplicity or normality, but simplicity and normality can give the impression of emotional stability without a history of dealing with a person, but you will feel how they are not the same in the end.
 
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Yoh Asakura said:
simplicity and normality can give the impression of emotional stability without a history of dealing with a person, but you will feel how they are not the same in the end.
Click to expand...

Ah I get it. Basically you just gotta gather the appropriate data before finalizing the decision.
Makes sense for sure.
People who are more open to claiming negative things about themselves are also more emotionally stable probably.
Not that being a normie or a weirdo is inherently negative, but overall self awareness in an honest way is important.
 
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Wyote said:
Ah I get it. Basically you just gotta gather the appropriate data before finalizing the decision.
Makes sense for sure.
People who are more open to claiming negative things about themselves are also more emotionally stable probably.
Not that being a normie or a weirdo is inherently negative, but overall self awareness in an honest way is important.
Click to expand...

Exactly.
 
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