[INFJ] Weird situation with new friend who asked me for money

[sapphiresky]

Hello. I am in a weird situation with this "mommy friend" who I meet in May of this year. I met her and another lady at a local park. We have been planning playdates for our children almost weekly.

I always thought she was a little bit strange but I just thought that she was probably adjusting because she hasn't been living in the country for too long. Since I don't have any female friends I overlooked her behavior. I can't expect perfection from people. I also confess I have been getting tired of meeting her 1 to 3 times a week but I kept meeting her for the sake of socializing my child with her children.

Last week she sent me a strange text message where she was requesting me to purchase her a "home decor item" and that she could pay me later via Paypal.

This home decor item ain't cheap. I was confused by her message and my husband said it was suspicious.
I explained to her that since I am a stay-at-home mom who doesn't work and have a strict budget with my husband I cannot purchase that for her.

She said it was ok but then keep texting me on the following days inviting me for more playdates. I ignored her messages and on Monday I told her I was going to be busy in the next couple of weeks and that I was also sick which was true.

I need to take a break from her....and I feel like I should stop talking to her.

I also suspect she did the same thing to our mutual friend because she has not been responding to her group texts either. She would always respond to invitations.

Should I cut her off? There are other things that are pretty weird about her. She changes countries, states, and cities a lot and sometimes I wonder if she is running away from fraudulent activity. Her excuse is that she and her husband love to travel and that her husband is looking for better-paying jobs.

I just feel sad because like I said I have no friends....and just went I thought I finally found people this happens. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore.

 

[Wyote]

Yeah she's a scammer. My own best friends would never ask me to buy things for them unless it was something we were all involved in/going to use.
I'd stay away if I were you, who knows what you'd get involved in by association to them.

 

[slant]

All you have to do is set boundaries with this person. Somebody overstepping or asking too much one time isn't warrant to cut them out of your life. You can do that if you want, but it seems like an avoidant reaction that you were made uncomfortable by this person's behavior and you set a boundary and then you became a bit passive aggressive in terms of trying to avoid her.

You could have said,

"Hi I am still feeling uncomfortable about you asking me to buy something for you and I need some space. I will reach out to you if I feel ready to engage again."

But instead you use indirect reasons as to why you can't.

Lots of people do this, but it also lacks authenticity and vulnerablity. These are tactics people use when they do not feel comfortable to take the risks necessary to achieve real and honest relationships.

Again - I'm not saying that this particular person is a person you could have a good friendship with or that you have to. I'm just saying, I would examine why you jump from setting a boundary to wanting to cut somebody out from your life without really giving them a chance to resolve the issue by having a discussion about it.

 

[Wyote]

You could have said,

"Hi I am still feeling uncomfortable about you asking me to buy something for you and I need some space. I will reach out to you if I feel ready to engage again."

But instead you use indirect reasons as to why you can't.

Lots of people do this, but it also lacks authenticity and vulnerablity.

Sometimes confronting crazy people directly is more detrimental to a person's well being.
It's a personal judgment call. Being direct isn't always advisable, but it is better to be more clear and direct in most cases.

 

[slant]

Sometimes confronting crazy people directly is more detrimental to a person's well being.
It's a personal judgment call. Being direct isn't always advisable, but it is better to be more clear and direct in most cases.

I just don't see any evidence in this situation that it would be. You do have to base your reactions on fact rather than fear. The OP ends their message with feeling lonely and this sense of wondering why this keeps happening and not everything is in our control but it can also be helpful to examine the automatic habits we get into.

In my experience, people who have been traumatized tend to assume negative intentions and overreactions from other people. While that's helpful in defending oneself from harm, the default into this type of thinking can result in paranoid, hypersensitive thinking that results in isolation rather than attempting to conflict resolve in healthy ways.

 

[Wyote]

You do have to base your reactions on fact rather than fear.

I agree with all your points generally.
To me a person who randomly asks me to buy something is highly unusual, which is what I'm basing things on here.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I’ll give you some valuable advice about it in exchange for apple gift cards.

 

[mintoots]

Hmm. Assuming for the benefit of doubt that she isn't a scammer, I think forming camaraderie with people who have dissimilar financial management values as you do is not a good friendship seed to take root in.

I personally would think more if it were an emergency but a house decor item is hardly that. Even if it were an emergency, most principled people wouldn't readily entrust their financial woes to new acquaintances either unless there were no other options. People with good friendships on their records would usually have other options such that new acquantances would be last on that list.

 

[sapphiresky]

I agree with all your points generally.
To me a person who randomly asks me to buy something is highly unusual, which is what I'm basing things on here.

This is the first time someone asks me for money. Someone that I just met. I will never dare to ask someone to buy something for me.....not even my own parents and that's only if they are asking me what I want for my birthday.

Like I described previously when I met this lady there were many factors that made me question her.....but like I said I was trying to overlook those factors because I don't want to judge her but when she asked me for money that was the tip of the iceberg.

I didn't want to confront her on Monday because this week is my birthday week (actually my birthday is today). I get very depressed on my birthday so I didn't want her situation to make it worse.

Like I said she is constantly moving around like a gypsy. She supposedly met her husband while traveling. She was living in Europe with her husband and kids, then moves to the U.S.....lives in one city for three years.....then moves to my city....she has not lived here for a year and she was looking to move to a different European country again.........then months later she tells me her husband got a job offer in a state on the opposite side of the country......then changes her mind and stays. I don't understand their constant need to be moving around. They have 3 young kids shouldn't they be settling down somewhere?

Of course, this shouldn't be my business but some people who commit scams move around a lot.

Another factor.....when I was hanging out with her at first it seem that she was completely disinterested in knowing me. We would have playdates at the pool and she would be chilling in a corner with her cell phone while I was watching her other kids. This is when I was starting to feel used.....but then of course I started thinking "maybe she is just tired because she has 3 young kids". Well, guess what I have a kid too so I am exhausted as well.

It seems that when we are together she is not present in the moment and is very hard to get to know each other. She is very mysterious and doesn't talk much about herself.

Another weird situation was that her birthday was last month and she texted me and the other friend that she felt very sad and lonely and that she misses us.......which was odd because I just got to know this woman recently how am I supposed to remember her birthday?????? The other friend went straight to her house and brought her a homecooked meal out of pity.

I would never text someone I just met about how lonely I feel on my birthday. That's just weird to me.

There are other things that have happened but I can't remember them right now...but like I said I would just try to understand and sympathize with her.....but when she asked me for money that was just VERY weird.

 

[sapphiresky]

I just don't see any evidence in this situation that it would be. You do have to base your reactions on fact rather than fear. The OP ends their message with feeling lonely and this sense of wondering why this keeps happening and not everything is in our control but it can also be helpful to examine the automatic habits we get into.

In my experience, people who have been traumatized tend to assume negative intentions and overreactions from other people. While that's helpful in defending oneself from harm, the default into this type of thinking can result in paranoid, hypersensitive thinking that results in isolation rather than attempting to conflict resolve in healthy ways.

I understand what you are saying, but the majority of people don't like confrontation. Most people at least in the United States perceive this situation as weird, suspicious, and even rude. It's just something you will never expect when starting to get to know someone. Especially when I thought she was doing well economically by judging her huge two-story home in a nice neighborhood and her travel lifestyle. She is living a fake life and she might be taking advantage of other people to live that lifestyle.

 

[sapphiresky]

Hmm. Assuming for the benefit of doubt that she isn't a scammer, I think forming camaraderie with people who have dissimilar financial management values as you do is not a good friendship seed to take root in.

I personally would think more if it were an emergency but a house decor item is hardly that. Even if it were an emergency, most principled people wouldn't readily entrust their financial woes to new acquaintances either unless there were no other options. People with good friendships on their records would usually have other options such that new acquaintances would be last on that list.

She asked me for new curtains.......curtains from amazon......when you do the math buying new curtains are a huge expense.....and the funny part was that my bedroom needed curtains for months....and I saved for them and bought them weeks ago. She obviously doesn't know about that.

Then she says that she can pay me later via Paypal....not in person Paypal.

Shady

But I do agree with you I don't like to hang out with people who are financially irresponsible and are living a fake life.

 

[Wyote]

There are other things that have happened but I can't remember them right now...but like I said I would just try to understand and sympathize with her.....but when she asked me for money that was just VERY weird.

That was the sense I got from your first post.
I'd trust your gut and intuition on this one.

 

[slant]

I understand what you are saying, but the majority of people don't like confrontation. Most people at least in the United States perceive this situation as weird, suspicious, and even rude. It's just something you will never expect when starting to get to know someone. Especially when I thought she was doing well economically by judging her huge two-story home in a nice neighborhood and her travel lifestyle. She is living a fake life and she might be taking advantage of other people to live that lifestyle.

Why are you asking for advice? You seem to think you know who she is, what her intentions are, and you have already decided you want to avoid her and not talk to her anymore. Do you feel like you need others to agree with you to give you permission to do what you already want to do?

 

[mintoots]

This is the first time someone asks me for money. Someone that I just met. I will never dare to ask someone to buy something for me.....not even my own parents and that's only if they are asking me what I want for my birthday.

Like I described previously when I met this lady there were many factors that made me question her.....but like I said I was trying to overlook those factors because I don't want to judge her but when she asked me for money that was the tip of the iceberg.

I didn't want to confront her on Monday because this week is my birthday week (actually my birthday is today). I get very depressed on my birthday so I didn't want her situation to make it worse.

Like I said she is constantly moving around like a gypsy. She supposedly met her husband while traveling. She was living in Europe with her husband and kids, then moves to the U.S.....lives in one city for three years.....then moves to my city....she has not lived here for a year and she was looking to move to a different European country again.........then months later she tells me her husband got a job offer in a state on the opposite side of the country......then changes her mind and stays. I don't understand their constant need to be moving around. They have 3 young kids shouldn't they be settling down somewhere?

Of course, this shouldn't be my business but some people who commit scams move around a lot.

Another factor.....when I was hanging out with her at first it seem that she was completely disinterested in knowing me. We would have playdates at the pool and she would be chilling in a corner with her cell phone while I was watching her other kids. This is when I was starting to feel used.....but then of course I started thinking "maybe she is just tired because she has 3 young kids". Well, guess what I have a kid too so I am exhausted as well.

It seems that when we are together she is not present in the moment and is very hard to get to know each other. She is very mysterious and doesn't talk much about herself.

Another weird situation was that her birthday was last month and she texted me and the other friend that she felt very sad and lonely and that she misses us.......which was odd because I just got to know this woman recently how am I supposed to remember her birthday?????? The other friend went straight to her house and brought her a homecooked meal out of pity.

I would never text someone I just met about how lonely I feel on my birthday. That's just weird to me.

There are other things that have happened but I can't remember them right now...but like I said I would just try to understand and sympathize with her.....but when she asked me for money that was just VERY weird.

 

[sapphiresky]

Why are you asking for advice? You seem to think you know who she is, what her intentions are, and you have already decided you want to avoid her and not talk to her anymore. Do you feel like you need others to agree with you to give you permission to do what you already want to do?

Because this is a confusing situation for someone who has never been in a situation like this. It gives me relief to get confirmation that this is NOT normal behavior to the majority of people. That I am not crazy to think that I might be getting used. Because for a while I thought I was the crazy one. There are people out there who do a good job pretending to be caring and nice but they are manipulative AS F.

 

[slant]

Because this is a confusing situation for someone who has never been in a situation like this. It gives me relief to get confirmation that this is NOT normal behavior to the majority of people. That I am not crazy to think that I might be getting used. Because for a while I thought I was the crazy one.

Thank you for explaining. I misunderstood what you wanted in this thread and for that I apologize.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

@sapphiresky Why not check in with your mutual friend to see if the same thing happened?

Paypal does sound super weird, like laundering scammed money weird. If you can afford to pay someone via paypal later, you can just as well wait and buy your own curtains later with your own legit money.

 

[sapphiresky]

@sapphiresky Why not check in with your mutual friend to see if the same thing happened?

Paypal does sound super weird, like laundering scammed money weird. If you can afford to pay someone via paypal later, you can just as well wait and buy your own curtains later with your own legit money.

Yeah...I have thought about this several times but I am not sure if I want to stir up some drama. Something is telling me that she knows something is up. I am also unsure what I feel about that other friend either. I am not even sure if I should call them friends in the first place. Perhaps I should call them "two women I got stuck with for the past months because my daughter decided to play with their children and they love to hang out at my community pool".

The relationship with the other woman started a little bit weird also. I saw this woman with her toddler multiple times at the park and every time I would show up she will either get up and leave or would stay at the opposite side of the park and would keep her girl very close to her, not letting her play with my toddler. When I finally got to talk to her she said "I am just her nanny". I thought cool........she can still play with my kid. It's not like my child is going to hurt the other child.

Then weeks later I met the "scammer lady" for the first time. It turns out they knew each other for a while. The scammer lady gives me her number and then introduces me to the other lady and I pretended as if I have never seen her before. She turned out to be a nice lady. Perhaps she was going through personal things....but it was still weird.

She does complain about money a lot and thinks I am wealthy which I am not which kind of annoys me but she hasn't tried to scam me which is good!

Sorry for my rant but is nice to vent.

I just need to give this some time. I really don't want to talk to them for a while. I am tired.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

This park is quite the nexus of intrigue.

 

[mintoots]

This park is quite the nexus of intrigue.

Suburbia was made for that. True story.