Waiting for the "One" or Settle?

[SpilledMilk]

I've seriously dated one INFJ and went out once with another INFJ. Also dated ISFPs, an ENFJ, and a few others who I didn't bother to type. Right now I'm dating an ESFJ.

The standard disclosure, of course, is that types shouldn't control one's outlook, but I've come to the point in which I feel INFJs are the full package of what I'm looking for. Brains, depth, sensitivity, caring, loyalty, perfectionism, femininity, and some kind of psychic sexiness involved. So I guess I fell in love with the profile (and was also attracted to the INFJs for the same reasons which I've mentioned). Also, my criteria for women also require that they be of the same ethnicity. I think this is partly because of some pedestal which I've put an ideal form of a girl/INFJ which the girls I date can't seem to satisfy.

Being in the late 20s, I'm beginning to wonder whether it's worth my effort to hold out and wait for that INFJ who will satisfy my craving, or really just try and work stuff out with non-INFJs.

Pro-INFJ: Pretty much what I want in a girl. The first INFJ (and first girl as well) I've ever dated freaked me out in how close we got. No girl since her has ever pushed all of my buttons the right way that she did. I'm not idealizing the "first time"; objectively, we connected in a way I have never felt connected with any other girl/type. I broke up with her later for good reasons. But she got me hooked on INFJs ever since, and reading the MBTI personality profiles reinforced this notion.

Anti-INFJ: Hard to find, especially of the same ethnicity. Also, the second (and last) INFJ I dated was unhealthy and we didn't get very far. So I think my chances of finding a healthy, same-ethnicity INFJ is very, very slim.

The reason I'm putting this up is because I'm idealistic and hate to be boxed into a less-than-desirable relationship. With the ESFJ I'm currently dating, we obviously have a harder time reconciling interests and communication methods. I'm kind of evaluating whether it's worth my time, especially in the future when I might be thinking, "Gee, why am I trying so hard with this ESFJ when I could have..."

Anyway, just contemplating whether to settle and try my best with some girl who may not necessarily be my "ideal type", and dread the grass-is-greener syndrome when things goes awry, or hold out in my pseudo-fantasy and wait for an INFJ who may or may not ever show up?

 

[SpilledMilk]

It angers me when people settle. If you stay with an ESFJ you're not crazy about, you're just keeping her back from someone who could love her the way she wants to be loved.

If you're using the word "settle" it's a sure sign that you shouldn't stay with her (or anyone else you feel like you're settling for). You'll know you've found the right one when she doesn't necessarily meet all your criteria, but you don't even care. And if that never happens, best to stay single. Nothing is more depressing than being in a dead relationship; I know this from observation.

If I were to truly invest in the ESFJ, then I'll try my best. But I may have that nagging thought in my head regardless: "Wouldn't it have been better...?"

So I'm at a crossroads trying to resolve this issue. If it is resolved, then I can proceed without worrying about the grass-is-greener phenomena.

 

[mochi]

If I were to truly invest in the ESFJ, then I'll try my best. But I may have that nagging thought in my head regardless: "Wouldn't it have been better...?"

I agree it isn't fair to her if you are thinking of her like this. It shouldn't have to be an effort... It sounds like you mean no harm to this girl, but she deserves someone who already thinks she is the best.

 

[SpilledMilk]

I agree it isn't fair to her if you are thinking of her like this. It shouldn't have to be an effort... It sounds like you mean no harm to this girl, but she deserves someone who already thinks she is the best.

OK, it seems that the word "settle" means something different to you guys.

I'm using "settle" as an emotionally- and value-neutral term. What I mean is that I cash in and take my winnings. Move on with life, be happy with my decision. Once I decide to settle, then that's it. It's not the same as I'm giving up and going for "second best"; it'll mean I accept this hand dealt and take it as is without regret.

Hence my use of settle and my post - to seek others' opinions on whether to settle or not.

 

[SpilledMilk]

Exactly. Every woman in a relationship wants to be THE woman in her partner's eyes; the most desirable, period. It's her worst nightmare to be settled for only because you couldn't get what you really want.

I know you're not trying to use her or hurt her, but you need to realize that's what you're doing if you stay with her. You could treat her like a queen, but it won't make any difference. You'd be going through the motions of being a good partner but it would be empty.

Let me clarify:

1. Settle: I agree to cash in. I accept my decision without regret. I put all of my effort in and don't fantasize about INFJs anymore. Relationships take effort (and I know INFJs also have quirks which pissed me off sometimes) and I'll do my best.

2. Wait: I break up. I accept my decision without regret. Wait for some INFJ to float by.

Here, I'm weighing the options. Trying to be fair. Does this even make sense?

 

[AUM]

You should settle it on a heads or tails, it works every time.

 

[mochi]

Let me clarify:

1. Settle: I agree to cash in. I accept my decision without regret. I put all of my effort in and don't fantasize about INFJs anymore. Relationships take effort (and I know INFJs also have quirks which pissed me off sometimes) and I'll do my best.

2. Wait: I break up. I accept my decision without regret. Wait for some INFJ to float by.

Here, I'm weighing the options. Trying to be fair. Does this even make sense?

Logically, I understand what you are trying to say. I don't know if it is because I am female, but emotionally, I don't understand. Are you guys official? Maybe that is where I am not understanding, because if you have barely went on a couple of dates it would make sense. However, if you guys are official, it's different. I think you should get rid of that regret before you become serious. It should come before, because it would show you really know you got over those feelings for sure.

You should settle it on a heads or tails, it works every time.

I'm losing hope in men.


Jk

 

[SpilledMilk]

Logically, I understand what you are trying to say. I don't know if it is because I am female, but emotionally, I don't understand. Are you guys official? Maybe that is where I am not understanding, because if you have barely went on a couple of dates it would make sense. However, if you guys are official, it's different. I think you should get rid of that regret before you become serious. It should come before, because it would show you really know you got over those feelings for sure.



I'm losing hope in men.


Jk

Well, we made out a bit. But haven't really gotten serious-serious. A lot of things are still up in the air. The point of this thread is to figure out which way to go - "get rid of that regret" as you say; the fork at the road has been reached.

Aside from coin-flipping, any other thoughts?

 

[This]

I'm trying so hard to process this but it's coming up hard for me, love through rationalizing is something that is hard for me to contemplate because there is nothing rational about it to me. I would never say "I love her because she is this or that" I would just say "I love her because she is her and I want her exactly as she is nothing more and nothing less" there is no typing in the equation, no ethnicity, no wondering if I could find better.

I'm not sure what to say, but don't "settle".

 

[mochi]

Well, we made out a bit. But haven't really gotten serious-serious. A lot of things are still up in the air. The point of this thread is to figure out which way to go - "get rid of that regret" as you say; the fork at the road has been reached.

Aside from coin-flipping, any other thoughts?

I see. How long has the relationship been?

But do you fantasize about the ESFJ? It's not enough to not desire other women. You have to desire her. If you don't, you're settling.

You could break up with her and not regret it? That should answer your question.

Maybe this will put it in perspective. Imagine she read this thread. How do you think she would feel?

Exactly on the mark.

I'm trying so hard to process this but it's coming up hard for me, love through rationalizing is something that is hard for me to contemplate because there is nothing rational about it to me. I would never say "I love her because she is this or that" I would just say "I love her because she is her and I want her exactly as she is nothing more and nothing less" there is no typing in the equation, no ethnicity, no wondering if I could find better.

I'm not sure what to say, but don't "settle".

My faith is restored.


She most likely really likes you, and like Seraphim said, if she ever knew the things you are saying about her, it would be really hurtful. And even if she didn't know, it would probably become evident by your actions in the relationship later. I think to be fair to her, you shouldn't rush this or get her hopes up.

 

[SpilledMilk]

But do you fantasize about the ESFJ? It's not enough to not desire other women. You have to desire her. If you don't, you're settling.

You could break up with her and not regret it? That should answer your question.

Maybe this will put it in perspective. Imagine she read this thread. How do you think she would feel?

Maybe it's because I've been in quite a few relationships already. I think I also have plentiful experience dealing with others' relationships. So I've learned to build a dam between the river of remorse and coming to acceptance with what is done. I can dissociate myself to a large extent, for better or worse, with breaking up because I'm a bit jaded. As for desiring her - I am perfectly capable of doing that and wanting that - but only if I am willing to commit myself to doing so. My thoughts and desires are quite compartmentalized and disciplined in this respect.

And I write this stuff because I know she will never read it. What's the point of guilt-tripping myself and not being able to be completely truthful in dissecting this issue if I can't come to terms with it? Thus the "what if she's reading it" doesn't really factor into my equation.

I'm trying so hard to process this but it's coming up hard for me, love through rationalizing is something that is hard for me to contemplate because there is nothing rational about it to me. I would never say "I love her because she is this or that" I would just say "I love her because she is her and I want her exactly as she is nothing more and nothing less" there is no typing in the equation, no ethnicity, no wondering if I could find better.

I'm not sure what to say, but don't "settle".

Thanks for the romanticism. I still (hope to, at least) have a bit of that myself. Thus this thread and the hard question. I'm trying to boil down rationally, if possible, the costs of either choice. Once the choice is made ("settle" is just a word I use for lack of a better term; all it means is that I will love her once I can accept "why" [which is what I'm bringing up here in an anonymous, neutral forum of a totally different personality type] I should love her), I'll accept it so long as it is rational. Having had plentiful experience in the relationships arena, I focus a lot more now on "how can I love her and sustain this relationship" - maybe I don't have as much faith in "love" any longer.

I see. How long has the relationship been?

2.5 weeks since the ESFJ and I started dating. I don't want to push this further without resolving this issue.

She most likely really likes you, and like Seraphim said, if she ever knew the things you are saying about her, it would be really hurtful. And even if she didn't know, it would probably become evident by your actions in the relationship later. I think to be fair to her, you shouldn't rush this or get her hopes up.

Forgive me for saying this, I'm not trying to be conceited. But with any girl I date, she either hopelessly falls in love with me immediately or gets turned off right away. So her hopes are likely already up. I agree that I shouldn't push her any further. She will likely never know that I've even thought about this, and once I settle I accept.

That's why I'm asking now: to settle or to wait? Flesh this out with me, please.

 

[bickelz]

You should settle it on a heads or tails, it works every time.

I'm losing hope in men.


Jk

Aside from coin-flipping, any other thoughts?

[MENTION=4199]SpilledMilk[/MENTION] and [MENTION=3876]mochi[/MENTION] , [MENTION=678]AUM[/MENTION] does have a point. If you're caught between two decisions, the best thing is to flip a coin because once you flip, you know what you want because you "hope" to get a certain outcome.

 

[mochi]

2.5 weeks since the ESFJ and I started dating. I don't want to push this further without resolving this issue.

Forgive me for saying this, I'm not trying to be conceited. But with any girl I date, she either hopelessly falls in love with me immediately or gets turned off right away. So her hopes are likely already up. I agree that I shouldn't push her any further. She will likely never know that I've even thought about this, and once I settle I accept.

That's why I'm asking now: to settle or to wait? Flesh this out with me, please.

2.5 weeks Okay, now it makes more sense.

Well, it does sound like you like her, but proceed with caution. I would advise dating her for a bit and getting to know her more for now. But any longer than 1-2 months and you're still not sure, then it might be best to let her go. Usually, you'll just know when it's right. But if it takes a really long time, then it probably won't happen at all. It's a matter of taking enough time to get to know her, but being considerate of her time as well. Good luck to you.

Edit: I almost forgot to mention, to let her know in some way that you are getting to know her better for now, in case she thinks you are going to make it serious sometime soon. Also, no doing things that are too physical until you are sure--that can be really hurtful to a girl if you later decide otherwise.

 

[aeon]

You are asking for a strategy for something that has no strategies.

Never settle, but also do not become attached to the idea of “The One.”

Be yourself, and remain open to possibilities. Express, and see what comes back to you.

Know that any woman, regardless of whether she would be right for you, is far more complex and deep and multi-layered than any idea you will ever have of a woman.

Be careful with those ideas of how she will be, because no woman will be as you imagine. Don’t let attachment to the idea of “The One” preclude attachment to a woman who could be more One-ness than you can comprehend.

FWIW, both my sister and my beloved type as INFJs. In most ways, they could not be more different. Let go of the idea of an INFJ woman. A woman may type as INFJ, yea, but she is her own person before anything else.

Consider too that the right person for you will also be defined by your needs as a human being. Do you know what those are? Do you know you are responsible for meeting those needs? Would you be able to ask her for help in meeting those needs, and would you be willing to receive her in that in return? Do you accept yourself, fully and without condition? If not, how will you be able to do that for someone else?

The last few questions are rhetorical, and intended to get you thinking about things. Answers aren’t necessary.

I wish you well.


cheers,
Ian

 

[MoniqueS]

I wouldn't settle. But I'm not sure if I really believe in the "one" either. But for me personally, I would rather be single then being in any relationship that wasn't extremely fulfilling for me. I'm also a person who is much more comfortable being single than in a relationship though.

 

[David54]

never settle. .
\;but "the one" is not always apparent. I"ve been trapped by that before. . "oh she's the one". . wrong. .
. it may take time to learn who "the one" is. .

 

[VH]

I don't believe there is only one, "the one", but I certainly do not believe in settling for someone who will not make you happy. It's not fair to them.

 

[Jana]

I don't believe there is only one, "the one", but I certainly do not believe in settling for someone who will not make you happy. It's not fair to them.

Yeah, but problem is that sometimes looking for the one of "ones" can kill the patience...and can be had and lonely...being INFJ does not help a bit...yeas, I am depressed by this topic...I refused 2 men for settling, now come another opportunity while I spend my emotions at wrong "ones" (engaged, not intersted). It is hard to be true and honest to yourself...

 

[Phage]

See, when you say "settle", it sounds like you are saying you are getting LESS than you wanted. And no one deserves that stain on them.

Maybe you should say "give in". That's what you mean right? Give in to allow someone other than your ideal mate to charm your brains out. Maybe you will find what you WANT is not what you will LOVE.

 

[894tt3h9]

I don't know if I believe in the idea of "the one." I thought that I had found the one but I was very sorely mistaken. I deluded myself into thinking that this person was "the one." I am beginning to see how completely ridiculous I was to ever think that.

I also don't believe in settling. I think that sometimes you just meet someone who complements your personality in just the right way- there is just enough that is the same and just enough that is different and the chemistry is really apparent. I don't like the thought of having this idea in my head of who I want and how I want them to be and then sticking it out in a current relationships because I might never get something better. I actually did that for a long time and it just didn't work out long term at all. There were more things that I didn't want in that relationship than there were things I did want.

I think that even if you settle into a relationship, if someone comes along who is a fantastic match for you and who fulfills you in ways that your current "settled for" partner can't, then you'll end up breaking up and moving on anyway. The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn't mean you should throw away the relationship now as a just-in-case measure, though.

That's just my experience.