Trouble letting myself be vulnerable?

S

some_other_future

Three
MBTI
INFJ
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Peacemaker
Hi everyone. First time poster, discovered this forum a couple weeks back. I don't really know much; I actually just found out that I was an INFJ, what that was, and how immensely helpful and self-empowering this new knowledge is. Goes without saying, if you're reading this: thank you. If it seems too much an autobiography, I would not hold it against you if you stopped midway through. :)

My life has been hectic lately, and I've felt overwhelmed by emotion and anxiety in the past months. I've been studying abroad in France since August. Away from my family, my friends and my native language. The adjustment has been rough, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. It's ending now, and I'm headed back to Atlanta soon. I recently met and started hanging out with a very pretty, brilliant girl who goes to school with me. I have strong feelings for her already. I can feel that she reciprocates but I still see no reason to rush things. Still, we finally kissed the other night. These things come along infrequently for me. The kiss was...amazing. Ha.

My last relationship ended in July of 2010. I dated my then girlfriend for just shy of 10 months. The breakup was rough. I won't go into it because I know a lot of you have been there and know the pain.

Onto my actual reason for posting: Lately, when I have been thinking about the girl who is in my life right now, a feeling of intense anxiety comes over me. I feel tight in the chest. My heart speeds up. It's horribly unpleasant. I have been meditating for a little bit, and I have grasp of my own emotional responses somewhat. I can calm myself down if I need to. I also run, which helps. But the meditation and calm breathing I do don't make the problem go away. It will calm me down for a while before the anxiety either comes back on by itself, or I will end up thinking about her again.

From what I can tell, it is almost a purely emotional response. What I mean by that is that there are no verbal thoughts associated with it. I've also notice I still retain control, for the most part, over those verbal thoughts. It's actually fairly easy for me to formulate observational thoughts about the anxiety and analyze it while it is happening. (The anxiety increases when I do this. I usually will engage it with my thoughts, then back off and try to pay bare, perceptual attention to it, which eases it and can eliminate it temporarily.) I just can't for the life of me figure out the cause (besides my gut feeling below), or how to deal with it. This paragraph may actually, physically look like diarrhea on your screen, so sorry about that. (Truly clear thinking alludes me when I'm feeling this or thinking about it.)

My own gut feeling tells me I am afraid of the pain that my last relationship caused me. I was hoping someone here could provide some insight though.

I have resolved to keep seeing this girl though. I'm not planning on letting something like this stop me. I just want to understand it, and come to peace.

Thanks again for reading.
 
First of all: welcome!

Well, yeah, my first idea was that it might have something to do with the bad break up you went through. So exactly what your gut is saying, and it's called gut for a reason ;) I have no experience of this feeling myself, so I'm afraid I can't give you wise advice other than follow that gut feeling.
I have known a similar thing with a physical reaction in a certain environment, my belly would start to hurt and I'd feel stressed out. At one point I was sick of it and tried to actively associate the environment with nice and pleasant things. I consciously started thinking: I've had great times here, I like being here and I'm not going to let these bad associations affect this place I love. I started seeing that place as a thing in its own, not attached to certain memories or certain people. A couple of weeks later I suddenly noticed I hadn't experienced any bad physical reactions anymore. Maybe it's something you can try? Try to see her as being her own being and that she has nothing at all to do with your ex. Hope this is of any use to you.
 
Thanks for the reply and advice. :) I think I'm going to try some journal writing, along with trying to shift my thoughts about it in general. Hopefully some feelings will crystallize. And of course, even a short amount of time has helped a bit.
 
Well, do you want the good news or the bad?

Not knowing you, I'll throw this out there. Sounds like brinks of passionate love, which frightens you as you know you are feeling more strongly for this girl than you did for the one that almost killed you back in 2010. You don't want to lose it, it's a safety net, a home you've never felt - who knows, but it's something you feel you will have to leave behind maybe and don't want to. You like security, right? You should be commended on studying abroad it has most likely been quite overwhelming for you, which makes finding this girl all the more in depth.

Personally, I over-analyze the hell out of things and usually miss out on a bit of fun experiences simply due to my fear of losing or failing. I would love to live vicariously through you as you just plunge head over heels into this experience and blah on the consequences. Sometimes poetry does happen in real life. Let the g-forces come and go on the roller coaster ride, just sit back and smile :) . I think you are perfectly fine. You want to analyze it to death, when I usually feel the way you are feeling there is a very tiny voice shyly murmuring in the recess of my brain that is telling the truth of my feelings, getting to the core of it. When you feel most anxious, go outside, or turn on music whatever allows you to disengage from your surroundings and just focus inward as deeply as you can. You will find an epiphany residing there.

Good luck to you :) !
 
Wow, thanks for that. :D It does scare the shit out of me that I'm feeling so strongly so quickly. I guess that explains why I've been scared of the idea that I may be subconsciously treating it as (or hoping it would be) a resumption of my old relationship.

But this new girl is so different than the old one in so many exciting ways. It's not realistic to assume this relationship would be anything like my old one. Which is why I'm not. :) Instead I'm going to embrace this incredible and weird feeling that everything feels...new again with this girl. And the key, I've found, to dissolving the feeling that this is all a little to good to be true is to think about the look in her eyes the night when we kissed.

Ha. :)
 
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Hello, first post here :D

Sorry this will not be as lengthy as what i wrote just a second ago, i accidentally closed the browser...

In my opinion, this anxiety can come from 2 different places: 1 is your past experiences, and 2 (i'm just the messenger), maybe your gut feeling comes from your instincts that are subconsciously telling you that there's something you actually don't like about the girl.

My sincere advice is - Have fun, love and enjoy life. Share and grow. But make sure you are not blinded by your girlfriend/s(in past and future tenses), make sure to see her for who she truly is, so when the time comes, you will know you have found the one you truly want to grow old with :-)

Cheers <3
 
Emotional vulnerability is a road filled with glass shrapnel.
What are the glasses? Where does it lead? What lies ahead?

It is up to you to choose whether if it's worth it or not.
Dare you walk upon them?
 
My first reaction was that you're in love and having an anxiety attack about it. There could be any number of things causing anxiety. Without knowing you, I could guess that it could be intense feelings for the person mixed with a little fear of past hurts. You also said you were getting to the end of your term there. Maybe part of the anxiety is that you're leaving and won't see her again. Sometimes when I can't quite put my finger on what I'm feeling that could mean that I'm feeling a bunch of emotions at the same time. If you're comfortable with this, you could share how you feel with her, maybe she can help you sort it out. If she has similar feelings for you, it can be a wonderful whirlwind of intimacy.
 
Yeah being vunerable is still an issue I struggle with even now at my age. I think allowing the fear and anxiety to dicatate purposely avoiding the issue has stump my growth in the matter. I think as INFJs we feel very deeply and are almost hypersensitive at all times. As well as having a good memory of personal interactions, it leads to remembering the feelings and almost overly cautious of entering into similar bad experiences. At least that is for me. I absolutely hate being drawn to someone, because I just become unraveled. I almost shut down due to the enormity of what is going on with my senses. It seems easier to avoid, but alas that isn't productive to being or entering into a relationship.Trusting others to not do me wrong or be sincere is hard. I become overly suspicious and when I was younger, dolled out "tests" to prove sincerity to gauge how to proceed and what to be vunerable out. Of course that was all self defeating because let's face it, that is NOT normal behavior and is self sabotaging due to the mass confusion of blowing hot and cold. As much as my self-centeredness thinks that people should automatically understand and know my hesitation, I have to remember that my personality and thinking is unique compared to others. That it reads abnormal or means something else to others since they would naturally gauge others based on their inherent personality and thinking. I haven't had that liking or "crush" on anyone sine 2008 and I massively messed that opportunity up by coming off standoffish and weird. I have learned from it though and when I encounter someone else I like, I know to push myself past the neurosis and take the blind leap knowing that whatever happens that it won't ultimately kill me. I have often wished I was the norm, but I am not. So I can still stick to my values and take things slow since forwordness makes me skittish because I need time to process things and don't enter into engagements suddenly. If you have a good thing going, don't overthink things and screw it up because bonding with people or being truely interested in someone comes far in between. I wish you luck and hope that you don't waste your prime years like I did being scared of the what if's and projections.
 
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