Reading through some of these posts and responses I have a thought that has come to mind. Its not that I expect anyone to respond only that I am putting it down here to see that if anyone does, what they think.
I have done what seems like to me a massive amount of research concerning the origins of consciousness. To be honest and fair, this has always only ever been researching what other people have tested. I read about what other people have found. This point is not all that relevant, I simply don’t want anyone to think I work in this area for money.
I have been, for lack of a better way to put it, searching for the wizard. The thing that created humanity. In this process and in part because of the age we live in, much has become known in the world that was not known in a short amount of time. Its funny but thinking back to when I was very young and in elementary school, I don’t remember anyone teaching us of galaxies outside of our own. I can’t think of why but it may actually be they did not know of any. Today, we know of so many its hard if not impossible for any person to wrap their head around just how large known space is to us. Couple this with the quantum world and the idea we are only one of potentially infinite universes, well we are small indeed. So small that the relative size of an ant compared to a human is completely insignificant in the scale of the known universe. We tower over ants but the size difference just isnt there.
So many humans walk around as I do wondering at it all. We assume because we build things, figure out things we have importance and purpose. We tell ourselves things like there is something that watches over us and will protect our as of yet undetectable eternal souls. Even I who am godless have installed my own form of religion in myself to keep from having to look into the abyss of nothingness. I have stood and attempted to gaze into the chasm of nothingness and while I was able to do this for longer than I think most people could, I was still too weak to do it for long. There is real madness there within and to see it there staring back through you is…unpleasant to say the least.
I have lost the ability to live in the “now” as I once did as a child though I try very hard to do this when I am able. It takes so much focus and meditation to achieve even a small bit and it effects do not last long. The “now” is being aware of the things around you, people, the coffee you drink, the sunlight and the way it plays off objects. The now is the world around you. I however walk around lost in my own mind thinking of things like, what am I doing here, why is this happening the way it is. Why this why that. I cant go back, Im not sure I would if someone offered a way to get back. I see the now as simply existing but never knowing.
So what is the question, what purpose to this entry? I have been on a path of what I believed was noble seeking knowledge and enlightenment. All the while my life passing me by and I am no closer to an answer than I was. Either because I am not worthy, have been looking in the wrong places all along or because there simply is not an answer. Now as I look up I feel my life is limited, I feel somewhat cheated and yet I cannot imagine living life any other way. I feel as if I am on rails headed toward my end. My cousin who became a Jungian analyst (one of the reasons I found my way to this forum) tells me we are all part of a story, that people are happiest when they travel their character path. He has told me that if you are something and insane as a murderer and want to be happy, you should murder to be happy. Obviously I am taking the extreme here to make a point but the point is valid. Of course what he actually said was far more complex but this gets the point across. I don’t like the idea of being “something” and not being able to break out of the mold. I feel bound and in chains. I am bound to the world around me and its 6 billion people all supporting a culture of living that is anti-life and anti-intuitive. I look at the people around me and want to yell, “Really? REALLY!? For all our knowledge and philosophy, this is the best you can come up with? This world, this society? Where are the hopes and dreams of an entire species of thinking beings? What? This new phone I have in my hand or TV I see is how we make our dreams known? These are the important dreams we have in our lives, these are the ones we spend time to make real?” But of course I never do. I always keep quiet and move toward my inevitable end hoping that when this world is finally done with me at least something however small will eventually make more sense.
When I was younger I honestly believed I would be able to change the world. All it would take would be the right words, the words that would make people see there was more, there was better to be had. How I have completely failed in this vision. I can’t convince the people that are closest to me, how can I convince anyone else. Besides mortality is at my heals ever present but now in recent years, it has begun to smile.
I have done what seems like to me a massive amount of research concerning the origins of consciousness. To be honest and fair, this has always only ever been researching what other people have tested. I read about what other people have found. This point is not all that relevant, I simply don’t want anyone to think I work in this area for money.
I have been, for lack of a better way to put it, searching for the wizard. The thing that created humanity. In this process and in part because of the age we live in, much has become known in the world that was not known in a short amount of time. Its funny but thinking back to when I was very young and in elementary school, I don’t remember anyone teaching us of galaxies outside of our own. I can’t think of why but it may actually be they did not know of any. Today, we know of so many its hard if not impossible for any person to wrap their head around just how large known space is to us. Couple this with the quantum world and the idea we are only one of potentially infinite universes, well we are small indeed. So small that the relative size of an ant compared to a human is completely insignificant in the scale of the known universe. We tower over ants but the size difference just isnt there.
So many humans walk around as I do wondering at it all. We assume because we build things, figure out things we have importance and purpose. We tell ourselves things like there is something that watches over us and will protect our as of yet undetectable eternal souls. Even I who am godless have installed my own form of religion in myself to keep from having to look into the abyss of nothingness. I have stood and attempted to gaze into the chasm of nothingness and while I was able to do this for longer than I think most people could, I was still too weak to do it for long. There is real madness there within and to see it there staring back through you is…unpleasant to say the least.
I have lost the ability to live in the “now” as I once did as a child though I try very hard to do this when I am able. It takes so much focus and meditation to achieve even a small bit and it effects do not last long. The “now” is being aware of the things around you, people, the coffee you drink, the sunlight and the way it plays off objects. The now is the world around you. I however walk around lost in my own mind thinking of things like, what am I doing here, why is this happening the way it is. Why this why that. I cant go back, Im not sure I would if someone offered a way to get back. I see the now as simply existing but never knowing.
So what is the question, what purpose to this entry? I have been on a path of what I believed was noble seeking knowledge and enlightenment. All the while my life passing me by and I am no closer to an answer than I was. Either because I am not worthy, have been looking in the wrong places all along or because there simply is not an answer. Now as I look up I feel my life is limited, I feel somewhat cheated and yet I cannot imagine living life any other way. I feel as if I am on rails headed toward my end. My cousin who became a Jungian analyst (one of the reasons I found my way to this forum) tells me we are all part of a story, that people are happiest when they travel their character path. He has told me that if you are something and insane as a murderer and want to be happy, you should murder to be happy. Obviously I am taking the extreme here to make a point but the point is valid. Of course what he actually said was far more complex but this gets the point across. I don’t like the idea of being “something” and not being able to break out of the mold. I feel bound and in chains. I am bound to the world around me and its 6 billion people all supporting a culture of living that is anti-life and anti-intuitive. I look at the people around me and want to yell, “Really? REALLY!? For all our knowledge and philosophy, this is the best you can come up with? This world, this society? Where are the hopes and dreams of an entire species of thinking beings? What? This new phone I have in my hand or TV I see is how we make our dreams known? These are the important dreams we have in our lives, these are the ones we spend time to make real?” But of course I never do. I always keep quiet and move toward my inevitable end hoping that when this world is finally done with me at least something however small will eventually make more sense.
When I was younger I honestly believed I would be able to change the world. All it would take would be the right words, the words that would make people see there was more, there was better to be had. How I have completely failed in this vision. I can’t convince the people that are closest to me, how can I convince anyone else. Besides mortality is at my heals ever present but now in recent years, it has begun to smile.