the silent treatment | INFJ Forum

the silent treatment

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Catch22, Feb 6, 2009.

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  1. Catch22

    Catch22 Newbie

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    I'm sure I don't deserve an answer; I can't see any other option but to ask you.
    This girl (INTJ) that I really like and am normally best friends with has started to ignore me for no apparent reason, I think it might have been a small argument we had last week, when I wanted her company but she wanted to work and I didn't realise so we argued, I guess I must of hurt her feelings then and she hurt mine, but I don't see why she would try to break our friendship over something so small.
    I feel like what we had was amazing and I would do anything to get it back. She won't give me a chance to talk to her about what I think it was or tell me what it was. I have so much I want to say to her but I need a chance.
    What should I do? Should I write her a letter?
    I'm quite stupid about this kind of thing so thanks for any help.
     
  2. Zanshin

    Zanshin Community Member

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    Leave her a message if you haven't yet
     
  3. blueflame

    blueflame Regular Poster

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    Give her some space then apologize to her first, (It seems you've mentioned you've hurt each other's feelings that's why I'm saying this) then see what happens, a relationship of any nature friendship or otherwise I which the other person doesn't ever acknowledge when they hurt you isn't worth pursuing if it become neglectful over time, but because of the fact that, as you've mentioned, isn't that big of a deal I wouldn't respond too drastically.
     
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  4. Silently Honest

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    Statement: The silent treatment is a way of solving a problem without really addressing it.
     
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  5. ZenCat

    ZenCat Waving Sage

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    So, not really for no apparent reason.

    Perhaps it was not so small to her after all. It might be worth thinking back on what both of you said, and how each other's words hurt you, and if you come to a realization you can express that to her, though I wouldn't recommend stressing that you don't feel her reasons or feelings are invalid if you sincerely want to repair this rift.

    It's hard when you're hurt for what you feel is a valid reason, and the other person is dismissive of it, but if she won't discuss it face to face or over the phone, you could try a letter.

    Be careful what you write though. Read it several times before sending it. I'd focus on the positives worth saving in the relationship rather than the negatives of her backing away from you.
     
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  6. PEPPERTOP

    PEPPERTOP Newbie

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    I think you should apologize, see how she reacts (like if she opens up and tells you why she's been avoiding you), and then leave it alone until she warms up to you again.
    I mean, she might not even realize you feel this way and she's just been busy or something.
    Hope it all works out
     
  7. Vagrant

    Vagrant Regular Poster

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    If she's INTJ, you probably should've asked on the INTJ forum as well.

    It could just be that you annoyed the hell out of her. Just give it some time (say a week or two), and then try to make amends.
     
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  8. Eeyore

    Eeyore Regular Poster

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    Hmmmm, you said you really like this girl. Is it that you want to go beyond the friendship but the girl just wants to be friends and so she is kind of avoiding you? Regardless of what it is, the best way for you is to tell her earnestly everything that you have told us here. If she is not answering, leave her a voice message. You can write to her too but I think a voice message is more direct. Then give her time and space. Let her tell you what's on her mind and respect what she is going to tell you.
     
  9. JME

    JME Newbie

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    Do you understand and respect what she does for work?

    Also, to argue for time with an INTJ shows a lack of respect for their time. Not only did you use her limited time for an argument, but you may have also interfered with the work she needed/wanted to do once the argument was verbally finished.

    If she's plain not talking to you, I suspect you may have said something really bad.

    INTJs will measure quite a few things by asking "Does it work?"

    Were you obviously personally insulting? Or do you not really understand what she interpreted from the conversation?
     
  10. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    Oh I am very sorry Catch, I feel for you. Maybe you can buy her a nice 'I love you/ I'm sorry card'f or valentines day, if you guys have not made up untill then. You know, surprise the girl :)
     
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  11. OP
    Catch22

    Catch22 Newbie

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    We are speaking now to each other, I don't think our relationship will ever be the same though.
    I realised with a little help from a friend that she was angry for a different reason.
    She has trouble trusting guys and so we never went out with each other. Just when I got her trust, I went after another girl believing that our relationship could only ever be friendship.
    I think I owe her a lot now.
    I wrote her a letter and I think it helped.

    So basically I'm writing to say thank you all so much for your help.
     
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