Suck at friendships

[this is only temporary]

As for my other INFP friend, I always tell myself not to mind her irritating actiosn ) because she's my friend and I trust her enough to believe that she doesn't mean it but then just yesterday and today, she does the same things all over again and I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT ( I can't understand myself anymore.

This is about the time I lock myself into closets, when I feel this way. Seriously, maybe you need some alone time. Sometimes that helps. Also, you sound very stressed out!

So I don't really know if I'm the problem here. Well I think I am because most people bother me I always jump into conclusions like they are irritated by me and stuff. I always FEEL things like rejection and being so different from them in a bad way that I would just never be happy with people.

I REEAAALLYYY want to solve this because I know that I will never be able to have a nice relationship with people if I don't. I don't even have a "family". Oh God this life is so hard.

Yeah, you will be. Don't worry. I hate to sound old-farty, but these things get better when you get older. You learn.

she likes being superior to people and I don't like her to feel superior to me.

That is annoying! But she is going to feel superior and there is not anything you can do about it. Just let her; you can't change the way people feel. What is the worst thing in the world that would happen if she did feel superior to you? Would she hurt you? Maybe you are afraid other people will start treating you differently/worse if she feels superior? What is the worst-case scenario if she did feel superior -- what's the worst possible thing that could happen which you are afraid of? What is the most likely scenario? What is the best scenario? If you really think "you" are the problem, then you can try to figure out what is scaring you about her feeling superior.

that everyone who becomes really close to her starts leaving her or slowing drifting away from her.

Which indicates that you may not be the problem. Don't beat yourself up.

 

[Ensign]

INFPs tend to act like jerks, or give off a weird vibe... And they don't mean to, it's just.. They're first function is introverted feeling, and introverted feeling can come across as pretty self centered... Because they're in tune with their own emotions but not the emotions of people around them.
I'm sure your friend does not mean to be a jerk, most INFPs don't lol, they have a hard time changing, because they desperately want to be themselves and let others be themselves as well... They are guided by strong inward feelings instead of logic, yaknow!
Kinda like.. " I didn't know i hurt her feelings. I feel bad for her that she is upset and that I upset her but I do not feel bad for being myself. so I will keep being myself"
And thus, nothing happens. (their logic doesn't make much sense! Trust me though, they have deep feelings!)
...but this is just how I feel about it, not sure if it applies to all INFPs but it seems to be accurate. Hum!

I hope that all turns out well, though! My best friend is an intj and I still feel like punchin her in the face sometimes!

 

[soulseeker]

This is about the time I lock myself into closets, when I feel this way. Seriously, maybe you need some alone time. Sometimes that helps. Also, you sound very stressed out!



Yeah, you will be. Don't worry. I hate to sound old-farty, but these things get better when you get older. You learn.


That is annoying! But she is going to feel superior and there is not anything you can do about it. Just let her; you can't change the way people feel. What is the worst thing in the world that would happen if she did feel superior to you? Would she hurt you? Maybe you are afraid other people will start treating you differently/worse if she feels superior? What is the worst-case scenario if she did feel superior -- what's the worst possible thing that could happen which you are afraid of? What is the most likely scenario? What is the best scenario? If you really think "you" are the problem, then you can try to figure out what is scaring you about her feeling superior.


Which indicates that you may not be the problem. Don't beat yourself up.

Thanks Yeah I guess I'm also stressed out with people around me.

INFPs tend to act like jerks, or give off a weird vibe... And they don't mean to, it's just.. They're first function is introverted feeling, and introverted feeling can come across as pretty self centered... Because they're in tune with their own emotions but not the emotions of people around them.
I'm sure your friend does not mean to be a jerk, most INFPs don't lol, they have a hard time changing, because they desperately want to be themselves and let others be themselves as well... They are guided by strong inward feelings instead of logic, yaknow!
Kinda like.. " I didn't know i hurt her feelings. I feel bad for her that she is upset and that I upset her but I do not feel bad for being myself. so I will keep being myself"
And thus, nothing happens. (their logic doesn't make much sense! Trust me though, they have deep feelings!)
...but this is just how I feel about it, not sure if it applies to all INFPs but it seems to be accurate. Hum!

I hope that all turns out well, though! My best friend is an intj and I still feel like punchin her in the face sometimes!

Thank you Now I understand my INFP friend better.



Okay so... Just a while ago, that "unplanned" talk happened she approached me and asked me if I want to talk. (Apparently, My other friend asked her "hey, aren't you going to talk to her?) so... what happened was AWKWARD AND VERY UPSETTING and made me even feel that I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER EVER AGAIN. She didn't kow what to say and so I started with, do you know why I got mad at you? and she didn't know so I told her that I FELT very disrespected with the way she acted towards me. For example, every time I call her, she would say something like what? (like she's irritated or something) and things like those. She would also make me feel that she doesn't want to talk to me and I kept all these thigns to myself and I burst. The one where I cursed her and all that.

ONE THING that irritated me the most and makes me hard to forgive her is HER TEXT. In her text, she told me that if only I knew how people tolerate my attitude, that I'm such a goody goody and that I always feel that I'm right even when I'm wrong, that I backstab all of my friends,

okay this is her text, I actually told her she was selfish

"I was selfish? I know you talk and sometimes already backstab nearly all your friends. as if you don't do anything bad and you tell me that I do a lot of bad things? You're the one who's trying to talk then you curse me? What do you thikn of yourself? Do you think you're holy? that you're always the right one and everything is bad for you, everything is bad? Then you tell me I'm moody and insensitive? Oh if only you could see yourself now or how people just tolerate you and when YOU get moody. And you're also saying that to me. So it's like I'm useless right? What else? WOW, I'm selfish? what else? Go on, curse me, I'm always the one wrong here right? You can get mad and i CAN'T RIGHT? GO ON, curse me!

She told me that she didn't intend to disrespect me in any way it's just that sometimes I get her irritated when I say jokes that are hurtful. Well I already told her once to tell me when I go below the belt and she said she doesn't want to remember what I did wrong. So I told her, how am I suppose to know?!?!?

I told her that I really got mad about the text and she told me that she just told me what I wanted to hear for so long (referring to me asking her to tell me what irritated her about me) and SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY SORRY!?!? what's up with that!?!? she even told me she told her other friends and they think that I'm a backstaber too (friends whom I don't even know). THAT GOT ME EVEN ANGRIER A WHILE AGO.

I SAID SORRY about me cursing her and assuming things she did to me that she really didn't intend to do. SHE ON THE OTHER HAND, kept on insisting that her bad attitude, being rude and disrespecting to people, is a part of her nature and that I SHOULD TOLERATE IT because I'm her friend and we ewre close once and because SHE OTLERATED ME. SHE KEPT ON INSISTING that I would lose friends if I kept on assuming things about my friends an dthat's exactly WHY I ASK MY FRIENDS WHEN I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING'S WRONG and SHE DOESN'T EVEN GET IT.

SHE DOESN'T GET that she also has something to do with this fight. She's sooo full of herself and I don't think I can take it anymore. UGHHHHHHHHH WELL...we're graduating and off to college this coming June and what's bad is that WE WILL GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE, SAME BULIDING.. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I CAN'T STAND HER PRESENCE. I just don't get why she doesn't want to say sorry. I take it that she meant all of the things she said in her text and I got very hurt because honestly, I SHARE THAT I'M HURT AND THIS PERSON did something wrnog to me so I despise that person's actions towards me . i SHARE THOSE TO MY CLOSE FRIENDS ONLY TO MY CLOSE FRIENDS. She told me that that's backstabing for her but I kept on explaining to herthat for me it's not. I told her that we perceive things differently and that what's important is that the one who does the act, should be the one listened to because I don't intend to backstab and she goes on telling people that I'm a backstaber.

I'm sorry but i DON'T REALLY HAVE someone to talk to right now and it feels good to "write" this down and get different views from people

I told her a while ago that the purpose of why I wanted to talk to her is to close things. Sinec we've been friends I wanted to say sorry for cursing and for other things that may have hurt her. Well, she viewed this talk ONLY AS ME SAYING SORRY AND HER BEING THE WINNER. I wanted to talk to clarify things and I don't expect us to be friends again. I said, so let's make a conclusion she said, so, it's you assuming and not tolerating and me being misunderstood.... WHAT A JERK!

I just want to know your views on this.

 

[Craig Weiler]

I'm coming a little late to this thread, but after reading this I thought I could add something. At age 52 I've had some time to consider this and do some fairly extensive research on our personality type.

INFJ is a rare personality type, as you know. We were born with less lateralized brains than the general population and are generally more sensitive to a wide range of stimuli ranging from pollutants to ESP. This makes us quite different from the general population and there is nothing to be done for it. We also mature more slowly but more extensively than average, which means that you probably won't hit your stride until you're in your 30's at the earliest. We're quite different; odd ducks, and there's nothing to be done for it. We think and act differently than the mainstream and that makes us sufficiently different overall to have to deal with "otherness." Friendships will be harder. May as well relax and get used to it.

 

[soulseeker]

I'm coming a little late to this thread, but after reading this I thought I could add something. At age 52 I've had some time to consider this and do some fairly extensive research on our personality type.

INFJ is a rare personality type, as you know. We were born with less lateralized brains than the general population and are generally more sensitive to a wide range of stimuli ranging from pollutants to ESP. This makes us quite different from the general population and there is nothing to be done for it. We also mature more slowly but more extensively than average, which means that you probably won't hit your stride until you're in your 30's at the earliest. We're quite different; odd ducks, and there's nothing to be done for it. We think and act differently than the mainstream and that makes us sufficiently different overall to have to deal with "otherness." Friendships will be harder. May as well relax and get used to it.

That's sounds so depressing

 

[Constant_Overstimulation]

I'm coming a little late to this thread, but after reading this I thought I could add something. At age 52 I've had some time to consider this and do some fairly extensive research on our personality type.

INFJ is a rare personality type, as you know. We were born with less lateralized brains than the general population and are generally more sensitive to a wide range of stimuli ranging from pollutants to ESP. This makes us quite different from the general population and there is nothing to be done for it. We also mature more slowly but more extensively than average, which means that you probably won't hit your stride until you're in your 30's at the earliest. We're quite different; odd ducks, and there's nothing to be done for it. We think and act differently than the mainstream and that makes us sufficiently different overall to have to deal with "otherness." Friendships will be harder. May as well relax and get used to it.

good post!

 

[just me]

Friendships "can be" harder, can be fewer, can be closer, and can be great as we tend to understand human frailties quite well and overlook some shortcomings others cannot seem to or want to. We need to learn to overlook our own shortcomings and quit being so hard on ourselves, I think. We should also stop expecting others to be like us in so many ways. jmo

 

[Sensiko]

i have very few girlfriends. i don't really get along with girls irl... although the girlfriends that i do have tell me this exact same thing....

 

[Craig Weiler]

That's sounds so depressing

If you want to be a happy person, you will have to know your strengths and weaknesses, what you can put up with, and what you can't. As a highly sensitive person, you will find extended contact with most other people to be stressful; you need a lot of time to yourself and probably find forums more comfortable than being in person. You're reducing stressors that way. A very, very small group of people will not be stressful for you in person, but finding them to hang around with them may be a challenge.

You are also waiting for the people in your age group to catch up with you, and that is going to take several years. Look at the name you picked: Soulseeker. How many other people your age are thinking of these things? Not many.

Your best bet is to accept this and turn your focus to understanding and doing the things that make you happy. Don't worry about the friend thing. It'll happen in its own time.

 

[soulseeker]

Friendships "can be" harder, can be fewer, can be closer, and can be great as we tend to understand human frailties quite well and overlook some shortcomings others cannot seem to or want to. We need to learn to overlook our own shortcomings and quit being so hard on ourselves, I think. We should also stop expecting others to be like us in so many ways. jmo

Thank you I guess that's my problem too ) ) I do have VERY high expectations on others. I will find a way to solve it

If you want to be a happy person, you will have to know your strengths and weaknesses, what you can put up with, and what you can't. As a highly sensitive person, you will find extended contact with most other people to be stressful; you need a lot of time to yourself and probably find forums more comfortable than being in person. You're reducing stressors that way. A very, very small group of people will not be stressful for you in person, but finding them to hang around with them may be a challenge.

You are also waiting for the people in your age group to catch up with you, and that is going to take several years. Look at the name you picked: Soulseeker. How many other people your age are thinking of these things? Not many.

Your best bet is to accept this and turn your focus to understanding and doing the things that make you happy. Don't worry about the friend thing. It'll happen in its own time.

Thank you I will keep what you said in mind

 

[just me]

Thank you I guess that's my problem too ) ) I do have VERY high expectations on others. I will find a way to solve it

It doesn't "have" to be viewed as a problem with oneself, as it may very likely not be. It certainly, on the other hand, does not have to be viewed as a problem with others we are expecting so much out of in their actions and all. I would try looking at it more as coming to a realization of the situation. As a younger man, I used to vent to a friend regarding shortcomings in people I expected more dignity and such out of. I found it difficult believing some folk could be the way they were being, and I must have been comparing them to what I had learned or been taught. He said, "Stop expecting everyone to be like you." Another friend has told me time and again over the past few years when we are just talking about things that everyone else is not like me.

I do not get highminded and I do not look down on other people because of this. I may shake my head in a bit of dismay later, but people are who they are and I am just me.

 

[JCPA]

Not sure if my input is useful, but I certainly sympathize with you. As a INFJ, at nearly 30 years old, I believe Craig Weiler has some superb advice that I suggest you reread, suspend how you feel about it, and instead dissect its meaning in detail.

The good thing is you are in touch with how you feel. However, realize that most people are completely out of touch with how you feel. The BEST thing to do is learn to vocalize your feeling immediately in a constructive way. Especially with INTPs, they are fundamentally different than you and I and you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings (but obviously don't intentionally be mean). They will respect you more for saying what's on your mind. Ripley had some good things to offer on this earlier in the thread.

If you dislike having regrets, being in groups for long periods, and don't feel good about a relationship you're in, decide to minimize these things in your life. Know what you prefer and strive for that AT ALL TIMES! Then, hold others to your expectations. Say what's on your mind right away (be kind though!), make a friendly appearance and then excuse yourself, give the other person the benefit of the doubt (they must be busy/sick/tired) and make it about them, not you.

An INFJ life is not an easy one, but if you become super aware things tend not to bog you down. Any questions let me know!

 

[IronKnight]

Replying as an INTJ, I have a few comments that may contribute. Your INTJ seems to be characteristic of the immature INTJs in general. We tend to be standoffish, often projecting an air of arrogance. This is probably what you are picking up on when you say she likes to be superior to other people. However, the arrogance that we project tends to merely be a shell to distance others, deliberately or subconsciously. Like INFJs, INTJs have dominant Introverted Intuition, which means that we live most of our lives deep in our heads and not altogether rationally either.

Your friend's unwillingness to accept blame is fairly common for immature INTJs as well. As I said, the arrogance is mostly likely a shell. Underneath that shell is an individual who has strong, tumultuous feelings and probably a wavering self-esteem/self-confidence. Immature INTJs, especially, do not handle criticism well. If they acknowledge that they have made a mistake, to them this means that there is something wrong not only with their actions, but with their fundamental selves as well. It is a lot easier for her to deny the blame for the situation than it is for her to accept the psychic guilt that will accompany an admission of wrong doing.

Her failure to understand why you are upset also is not surprising. INTJs have tertiary Introverted Feeling and quaternary Extroverted Sensing. This means that very few outside inputs make it into their core processes. We tend to be very oblivious in interpersonal matters.

None of this excuses her having hurt you. However, your attempt to settle things between you may have come across to her as a personal attack on her innermost core. If you do want to settle things between you, you need to sit down face to face and attempt to explain as emotionlessly as possible why her actions and words have hurt you. You need to be careful to avoid accusatory language; "I" statements might be the best tool for doing so. It might even be a good idea to have a mediator present who can make sure that both parties remain calm and civil.

In conclusion, I wish you the best of luck in resolving the conflict. You likely mean more to the INTJ friend than you realize and it would be a shame if the friendship was severed.