Depends how you said it. Like, what tone did you use, and did you say "I'm not interested" or just "Not interested"? Or does the distinction even matter since I'm guessing the convo wasn't in English? To me, "not interested" might be rude depending on the tone of voice, but "I'm sorry, I am not interested" is not rude.
"Sorry, not interested."
- Thread starter Trifoilum
- Start date
Whenever people are trying to talk to me I try my very best to lend them my ear if I can because I know what it feels like to have nobody to talk to and it sucks. I would never respond to someone by saying "sorry, not interested". 1) it's rude 2) it's stupid to assume they are interested in you in the first place.
I have rejected people with this phrase frequently. Sometimes it doesn't go over so well. I don't think it's my responsibility to manage someone else's feelings and reactions because they may not like what I have to say. I'm never afraid of someone responding badly. It's not that I don't respect how they feel, it's that I make the assumption that they will also respect how I feel, and somehow how I feel will hurt them or disappoint them. If they end up lashing out on me because I reject their advances then that shows me exactly the kind of person they are and it's also a huge indicator of how they feel about me - that is to say they don't have enough respect or care about me to accept it when things don't go their way. It means they want to devalue how I feel by getting angry at me. They don't think I have a backbone because they try to guilt me into changing my mind or my phrasing. Essentially they eliminate all of their credibility as someone I want in my life because they engage in emotional warfare.
That said, I do not ever think you should tell someone "sorry, not interested" if they are trying to present an idea or information to you. I think that it's important to hear someone out because often times it's not about you but the other person sharing something new they've come upon that they want to reflect off of other people. Even if you are not interested in that information in particular I do think that in your relationships you are obligated to at least consider it. If you do not want to further the conversation after you have heard them out then you can say so, but shutting someone down right off the bat (except where it's politics or religion or something that you know will spark uncomfortable or heated or biased conversation that you don't want to indulge in or have already been through with this person) can be really hurtful and dismissive and says a lot about YOU as a person and how you value that person's ideas and what they want to share with you.
I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of both - people who have threatened suicide because I didn't want them romantically. People who have got angry at me because I didn't give a shit about what they were talking about. People rejecting me and my ideas and having to learn to navigate those emotions... That doesn't make it easy. But if both of you have respect and high regard for each other it shouldn't get ugly. It sounds like this person just wanted to shit all over you.
That said, I do not ever think you should tell someone "sorry, not interested" if they are trying to present an idea or information to you. I think that it's important to hear someone out because often times it's not about you but the other person sharing something new they've come upon that they want to reflect off of other people. Even if you are not interested in that information in particular I do think that in your relationships you are obligated to at least consider it. If you do not want to further the conversation after you have heard them out then you can say so, but shutting someone down right off the bat (except where it's politics or religion or something that you know will spark uncomfortable or heated or biased conversation that you don't want to indulge in or have already been through with this person) can be really hurtful and dismissive and says a lot about YOU as a person and how you value that person's ideas and what they want to share with you.
I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of both - people who have threatened suicide because I didn't want them romantically. People who have got angry at me because I didn't give a shit about what they were talking about. People rejecting me and my ideas and having to learn to navigate those emotions... That doesn't make it easy. But if both of you have respect and high regard for each other it shouldn't get ugly. It sounds like this person just wanted to shit all over you.
So, today I realize I have a situation on my plate where I need to decide to tell someone (a friend) that I'm "just not that interested".
I have been known to maintain friendships with people who I don't particularly like, only because I feel bad for them. I typically try and wean them away from the friendship by being aloof in contact and cancelling perpetually on outings. However, it's not working this time. I'm suppose to go to dinner with this one girl who I just don't like. She's normal and fine, but we have different directions in life, I don't like her future husband, she doesn't like my friends (and has been known to say rude things about them), I don't like her friends (they're mean and crazy, and are awful to my friends), and we just generally differ on our values. The problem is, she's always very nice to me and is always trying to be my friend. I've spent months accidentally ignoring contact with her, being "too busy" (well, that was actually true) and cancelling on her parties and gatherings...and she STILL wants to get together. She is having a wedding soon, and I'm terrified that she'll invite me. So what do I do? Do I go to dinner and only perpetuate the façade of a friendship? Or do I cancel again and hope she gets tired of putting all the effort into a friendship. I don't want to be mean to her - although, by ignoring her and cancelling I have been - but I'm just done with trying to fit in a strained friendship in my busy life.
What do I do?? ...........
I have been known to maintain friendships with people who I don't particularly like, only because I feel bad for them. I typically try and wean them away from the friendship by being aloof in contact and cancelling perpetually on outings. However, it's not working this time. I'm suppose to go to dinner with this one girl who I just don't like. She's normal and fine, but we have different directions in life, I don't like her future husband, she doesn't like my friends (and has been known to say rude things about them), I don't like her friends (they're mean and crazy, and are awful to my friends), and we just generally differ on our values. The problem is, she's always very nice to me and is always trying to be my friend. I've spent months accidentally ignoring contact with her, being "too busy" (well, that was actually true) and cancelling on her parties and gatherings...and she STILL wants to get together. She is having a wedding soon, and I'm terrified that she'll invite me. So what do I do? Do I go to dinner and only perpetuate the façade of a friendship? Or do I cancel again and hope she gets tired of putting all the effort into a friendship. I don't want to be mean to her - although, by ignoring her and cancelling I have been - but I'm just done with trying to fit in a strained friendship in my busy life.
What do I do?? ...........
So, today I realize I have a situation on my plate where I need to decide to tell someone (a friend) that I'm "just not that interested".
I have been known to maintain friendships with people who I don't particularly like, only because I feel bad for them. I typically try and wean them away from the friendship by being aloof in contact and cancelling perpetually on outings. However, it's not working this time. I'm suppose to go to dinner with this one girl who I just don't like. She's normal and fine, but we have different directions in life, I don't like her future husband, she doesn't like my friends (and has been known to say rude things about them), I don't like her friends (they're mean and crazy, and are awful to my friends), and we just generally differ on our values. The problem is, she's always very nice to me and is always trying to be my friend. I've spent months accidentally ignoring contact with her, being "too busy" (well, that was actually true) and cancelling on her parties and gatherings...and she STILL wants to get together. She is having a wedding soon, and I'm terrified that she'll invite me. So what do I do? Do I go to dinner and only perpetuate the façade of a friendship? Or do I cancel again and hope she gets tired of putting all the effort into a friendship. I don't want to be mean to her - although, by ignoring her and cancelling I have been - but I'm just done with trying to fit in a strained friendship in my busy life.
What do I do?? ...........
Nobody else can really tell you what choice to make in a situation like this. You need to decide what you are most comfortable with; cancelling (or perhaps being upfront and telling her that you don't think you have enough in common...) and deal with the feelings that this will bring up in you, or going along and maintaining a from of friendship which might include an invitation to her wedding. You will likely not be completely comfortable with either one but which one do you think would be best for all involved?
So, today I realize I have a situation on my plate where I need to decide to tell someone (a friend) that I'm "just not that interested".
I have been known to maintain friendships with people who I don't particularly like, only because I feel bad for them. I typically try and wean them away from the friendship by being aloof in contact and cancelling perpetually on outings. However, it's not working this time. I'm suppose to go to dinner with this one girl who I just don't like. She's normal and fine, but we have different directions in life, I don't like her future husband, she doesn't like my friends (and has been known to say rude things about them), I don't like her friends (they're mean and crazy, and are awful to my friends), and we just generally differ on our values. The problem is, she's always very nice to me and is always trying to be my friend. I've spent months accidentally ignoring contact with her, being "too busy" (well, that was actually true) and cancelling on her parties and gatherings...and she STILL wants to get together. She is having a wedding soon, and I'm terrified that she'll invite me. So what do I do? Do I go to dinner and only perpetuate the façade of a friendship? Or do I cancel again and hope she gets tired of putting all the effort into a friendship. I don't want to be mean to her - although, by ignoring her and cancelling I have been - but I'm just done with trying to fit in a strained friendship in my busy life.
What do I do?? ...........
it seems like you're heart isn't into being that close to her. I say follow your heart. It seems you cross paths with her outside of social events you plan so I would continue being cordial and friendly but I'd try to avoid making plans all together, that might send a stronger message than backing out of them.
D
Deleted member 10171
Yikes! I have just found myself in a very similar situation! Part of me just wants to say, “I’m not interested” but know this would come across as being crude and hurtful. So going to be gentle and kind BUT constructive – let’s see how this goes down. I’m actually curious as to why this “friend” continually initiates the “friendship” but just doesn’t get the message – what a mystery!
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] - What prevents you from just being honest with your “friend” and telling her how you feel?
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] - What prevents you from just being honest with your “friend” and telling her how you feel?
I run away from being honest to people when I think that they might get hurt from what I'm going to say. I would prefer to slowly phase someone out of my life, then to pull the bandaid off in one quick motion...I don't know if that's right or not.
D
Deleted member 10171
Thanks for your response. I echo a lot of what La Sagna said ie “You need to decide on what you are most comfortable with etc.” I'm generally polite with "friends" who give more than I am prepared to within the relationship. I'm also very aware that I hold back and keep myself distant (again hoping this “friend” will pick up on these messages) but it seems being courteous isn't working!
Being able to contain the tension and be gracious/sensitive towards the other person but at the same time look after oneself takes skill and a huge amount of patience. I'm not saying that I am there - more like a "work in progress."
So far this "friend" appears to be engaging with what I have put forward so that's good BUT not sure how long this will continue before THE ominous abrupt ending. Most people that abruptly disengage from this kind of interaction (I feel) don't have the resilience to engage with themselves or the courage to stay with the process - that's the most frustrating part of it all for me but I shall persevere.
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] – you mentioned the things you do to “perpetuate the façade of a friendship” – The ENERGY that it takes for me to even respond to a simple “How are you?” text from this “friend” and making genuine excuses for not being able to meet for a “catch up over coffee” is often the driving factor that encourages me to take steps to change the dynamics. However, I’m also curious as to understand what it is that she “needs/wants” from me particularly when I’m clearly not doing anything to initiate the friendship ie by politely declining her invitation to want to be “friends.”
Being able to contain the tension and be gracious/sensitive towards the other person but at the same time look after oneself takes skill and a huge amount of patience. I'm not saying that I am there - more like a "work in progress."
So far this "friend" appears to be engaging with what I have put forward so that's good BUT not sure how long this will continue before THE ominous abrupt ending. Most people that abruptly disengage from this kind of interaction (I feel) don't have the resilience to engage with themselves or the courage to stay with the process - that's the most frustrating part of it all for me but I shall persevere.
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] – you mentioned the things you do to “perpetuate the façade of a friendship” – The ENERGY that it takes for me to even respond to a simple “How are you?” text from this “friend” and making genuine excuses for not being able to meet for a “catch up over coffee” is often the driving factor that encourages me to take steps to change the dynamics. However, I’m also curious as to understand what it is that she “needs/wants” from me particularly when I’m clearly not doing anything to initiate the friendship ie by politely declining her invitation to want to be “friends.”
I have to agree, sometimes avoiding a friendship is a billion times more work than having a friendship. The emotional stress and guilt I go through when I try to avoid someone is a lot...I don't know why I find that much more appealing than just being upfront and honest with the person.
I'm also a lot like you, Isabella- I tend to hold back myself...but I think this works against me. I typically will just focus the conversation on them, and ask them about what's going on with their lives. Looking back, this makes it seem like I am SOOO much more interested in them than I am...I'm just not comfortable talking about myself or how I am on anything by a superficial level with them. And like you, I tend to be polite and courteous, but it doesn't always work. If I kept trying to do something with someone or contact them, and they basically gave me the polite brush off, I would get the hint! But I guess others don't, and I can't keep thinking they will.
You mention wondering what she needs or wants from you or the friendship...I also wonder about this..but I think this has to do with the fact (at least for me), that I don't NEED a friendship. I could be content living my life with just me and my cats....therefore, i don't typically get a lot out of friendships - with the exception of my few really good friends. So I can't understand what other people get out of them....or what they need so bad that they would pursue someone who isn't as keen as them for a friend.
D
Deleted member 10171
Re: “I don’t NEED friendship” - I feel like we have been separated at birth! 
I truly understand what you mean.
I don’t have issues with receiving emotional support from people – it’s just that I only accept it from those who absolutely KNOW me (can also occur with people I have only met for a short period of time) and not from those who THINK they know me. So, when this “friend” is randomly texting me, sending me a card, initiating meeting up, wanting to stay in touch etc – it simply does not register on any emotional level – and she has said that she hopes that her actions are a way of showing to me that she CARES? Really? Am I missing something here? Am I just being very cold-hearted?
Do others feel the same way and is this particularly an INFJ trait?
I truly understand what you mean.I don’t have issues with receiving emotional support from people – it’s just that I only accept it from those who absolutely KNOW me (can also occur with people I have only met for a short period of time) and not from those who THINK they know me. So, when this “friend” is randomly texting me, sending me a card, initiating meeting up, wanting to stay in touch etc – it simply does not register on any emotional level – and she has said that she hopes that her actions are a way of showing to me that she CARES? Really? Am I missing something here? Am I just being very cold-hearted?
Do others feel the same way and is this particularly an INFJ trait?
Re: “I don’t NEED friendship” - I feel like we have been separated at birth!
I don’t have issues with receiving emotional support from people – it’s just that I only accept it from those who absolutely KNOW me (can also occur with people I have only met for a short period of time) and not from those who THINK they know me. So, when this “friend” is randomly texting me, sending me a card, initiating meeting up, wanting to stay in touch etc – it simply does not register on any emotional level – and she has said that she hopes that her actions are a way of showing to me that she CARES? Really? Am I missing something here? Am I just being very cold-hearted?
Do others feel the same way and is this particularly an INFJ trait?
Hahaha! It's not often people understand that there are people out there that don't need friends! But the friends we do have, are VERY important to us! I agree that sometimes I can click instantly with someone and it's like I've known them forever! I find it interesting- even though I don't need friends, I seem to have a lot of people in my life that I'm around, but one common thing is that I have that "click" with them. The people who I don't, they remain acquiescences.
I'm not sure it's cold-hearted, I just think we're different than them - but I think there's people out there like us. You can't have a meaningful relationship with everyone, there's just not enough time. My friends know I'm busy, and know that the time I have free is spread between them, my family, and myself. I also know that when I have "friend" time, this means that I can get together with all my friends, rather than individually...this is so much easier! If I have someone who doesn't like everyone else, that's just creating more and more constraints for me.