"Sorry, not interested." | INFJ Forum

"Sorry, not interested."

Trifoilum

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Dec 27, 2009
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So, that sentence.
"Sorry, not interested."
Just said that and had someone exploded at me. Don't mind it (appreciated it, in fact), understand why (blunt. Also, rejection HURTS), and realized it's not the most polite reaction.
What do you think, though? Is it good? bad? Ever had problems from that simple sentence?
Honestly, this is my first time having someone angry at me because of me saying that-- am I blessed, or naive, or just unknowingly rude?

I am remembering a phrase of some sort--
a hundred thousand ways to say no, except 'no'
something I vaguely remembered was used to describe Japanese and their stereotypical tendencies....to refuse without refusing.
And that was my foundation-- As much as possible, I'd rather try to be honest -and- tact rather than tactfully dishonest.

I know that path, I walk on it frequently. Why I should increase my frequency, I have no idea. I'm trying to reduce it, even!

(Context : music video, private chat (so most likely no 'ignore' option), I tried to be as polite as I can be "Ah, sorry; I don't think it works for me, thanks for sharing though ")
 
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You can put someone down gently and politely in a simple sentence without coming across as a complete ass, yes. Did you? No.

You can be tactful without being insensitive.

'I am so sorry, I just don't return your feelings.' <--- pointing out you have no control over how you feel in much the way they have no control over how they feel toward you. Being apologetic says that you respect their feelings and the courage/confidence it took to make a move. Even if someone drops out of the sky and asks you out, even if it doesn't seem like they might care, you might as well let the medicine go down with a bit of common curtesy.
 
Not that I do it all the time, but I've had to say 'not interested' in a few occasions- and it's hard. I never ever wanted to hurt the person, and generally felt bad that I didn't reciprocate. Especially if we had been on a date, or friends. I tend to let them know that I think they're great, but that there's not that connection between us. I probably over do it, but I want them to know that it's not a flaw in them, just that we're two different people who aren't compatible on that level.
 
I've had to tell men that, though after we usually become friends. The idea that we might have sex one day is no longer an issue and they become themselves. I've been told that once and the same happened, we became great friends. I have an ease of turning that side off -if they tell me it isn't going to happen I refuse myself to think about them that way anymore. I have really beautiful friends, but I would never disrespect them in such a way that I'd try to take advantage of them sexually. It's a shitty thing to do. That being said my ease of refusing myself the attraction is not an ability a lot of people have.

"Sorry not interested" is something more said on an online dating site, am I right? And those people get rejected all the time so yeah, they're gonna be mad. On that side, I wouldn't try to be friends with someone like that.
 
You can put someone down gently and politely in a simple sentence without coming across as a complete ass, yes. Did you? No.
Just to make sure, are you talking to me?
And..are you implying I'm being insensitive...or not being insensitive?
(I'm fine with either judgment, really.)

Even if someone drops out of the sky and asks you out, even if it doesn't seem like they might care, you might as well let the medicine go down with a bit of common curtesy.
I do agreed.

...also,
I found it INTERESTING that all replies so far are talking about romantic relationship. My case is pure platonic.
And thinking about it, the sentence DOES seem like something you'll tell someone you're not /romantically/ interested in.

And now I'm confused. Because it's platonic, the dynamics related, between 'sharing', accepting and rejecting things would...be different?
 
Platonic as in someone is asking to be your friend and you said, "Sorry, not interested" to them? Lol yeah that'd be a shitty thing. You're rejecting exactly who they are, and yeah, that hurts quite a bit more than being told you're not physically appealing. In those cases just ignore the person, because you are rejecting their person; there is no way to tell them nicely you don't like who they are.
 
So, that sentence.
"Sorry, not interested."
Just said that and had someone exploded at me. Don't mind it (appreciated it, in fact), understand why (blunt. Also, rejection HURTS), and realized it's not the most polite reaction.
What do you think, though? Is it good? bad? Ever had problems from that simple sentence?
Honestly, this is my first time having someone angry at me because of me saying that-- am I blessed, or naive, or just unknowingly rude?

I am remembering a phrase of some sort--
a hundred thousand ways to say no, except 'no'
something I vaguely remembered was used to describe Japanese and their stereotypical tendencies....to refuse without refusing.
And that was my foundation-- As much as possible, I'd rather try to be honest -and- tact rather than tactfully dishonest.

I know that path, I walk on it frequently. Why I should increase my frequency, I have no idea. I'm trying to reduce it, even!

(Context : music video, private chat (so most likely no 'ignore' option), I tried to be as polite as I can be "Ah, sorry; I don't think it works for me, thanks for sharing though ")
in what context did you use this phrase? that matters a great deal.
if you are saying it to a telemarketer who just called or a salesman at your door then yeah it's entirely appropriate
if however you say it when a friend or loved one confides something to you or seeks your council, be prepared to be accused of being a tactless jerk.

edit to say that i reread your post and i realize you are talking about a dating situation.
still, you could be a little less blunt. how about, "i don't really think it's (we're) a good match", for instance? it doesn't scream "you are not worthy in my estimation" the way "sorry not interested" does.
 
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Just to make sure, are you talking to me?
And..are you implying I'm being insensitive...or not being insensitive?
(I'm fine with either judgment, really.)


I do agreed.

...also,
I found it INTERESTING that all replies so far are talking about romantic relationship. My case is pure platonic.
And thinking about it, the sentence DOES seem like something you'll tell someone you're not /romantically/ interested in.

And now I'm confused. Because it's platonic, the dynamics related, between 'sharing', accepting and rejecting things would...be different?

I'm not saying you are insensitive, rather the language is. It's blunt not tactful and so there's more room for it to be taken the wrong way. You're right though, I did assume it was romantic (my bad- and I'm also glad for the person it wasn't!), but even in a platonic relationship it could be taken the wrong way. Also, tone is really important. For example, I have the most straight talking, sharp, blunt, tactless friend. Is he insensitive? No. Does his language come across as it? Oh, hell yes. The tone of 'I couldn't care less' does not help, whether it's rejecting a cup of tea or a cinema trip. And it can hurt sometimes purely due to how the language is used. I don't know the context but assuming this person hasn't issues of their own, it may be this sort of approach doesn't agree with them. You'd be surprised how just changing the same words to sound more agreeable to them will impact people. Makes a world of difference.
 
edit to say that i reread your post and i realize you are talking about a dating situation.
still, you could be a little less blunt. how about, "i don't really think it's (we're) a good match", for instance? it doesn't scream "you are not worthy in my estimation" the way "sorry not interested" does.

Agree. Sometimes, an indirect approach is easier to take than a direct one. If you're too blunt or harsh, it can make you seem like a jerk. On the other hand, if you're too nice, that may encourage the person to keep on pursuing something with you. So, without saying something which makes the person feel as if they're not good enough for you, or not right for you, rather use phrases or words which are not worded or delivered as if the sentiment is rejection. Just tell them thanks, sorry and take care, then excuse yourself. Don't be too specific about your reasons for not being interested.
 
I find it quite odd that this would not be considered sensitive enough and that more embellishment would be required. And I find it especially odd that someone would express their dissatisfaction over it even if this was the case (unless the person was somewhat close to you). If someone "exploded" at me for saying something like that to them, I would not interact with them even using a 10-foot pole afterwards. In my opinion, the world, and especially the internet, is filled with emotionally compensated or immature people who are just completely irrational in the way they deal with others and are shameless with their reactions. They make people like us who are in actuality very considerate and emotionally aware, feel like we should feel bad about ourselves and double-check how we think/feel, and we become overly self-conscious and kill ourselves over small mishaps concerning self-absorbed individuals. Interact with emotionally volatile people who think that other people deserve to get involved with their melodrama more than you need to, and they will drain the life right out of you.

If you want more useful feedback though Tri, I think you need to be much more descriptive about the situation. Most of the time it's not just words, it's the whole package including body language and tangental life circumstances that play into how you are perceived... and if it's over the internet it's trickier because less of that is present.
 
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[MENTION=7267]Amalthea[/MENTION] : Thanks for telling! And I agreed with you and your entire statement fullheartedly. As far as I'm concerned, it was indeed not the best kind of language, it was not the best form of etiquette, and I'm not acting my best.

And well, as the rest, I'm not exactly talking about my own problem..just that, well, it's interesting that most people here seem to use this sort of sentence in romantic purposes (where I assume rejection is much more important), compared to my own situation, which is platonic.

I'm mostly curious about your own cases. XD

I also agreed with [MENTION=4855]JGirl[/MENTION] that context matters a lot.
And [MENTION=1669]Framed[/MENTION]. Yep, I think depending on a context one can indeed be an example of jerkassitude, while the same sentence can be...not enough, in a different situation, with a different people.
 
If I am really hopeful towards someone, then yeah it will hurt. But ultimately, it is not something worth getting upset over. If they aren't interested, then they aren't and that is that. I have told plenty of people the same thing. You can't make yourself interested in someone, and you shouldn't either. If someone gets their undies in a bunch over it I just laugh and leave.
 
It does sound dismissive. If you aren't interested in someone else (whether as a friend or lover), it's easier to say something like "Sorry I just don't feel that way" or "I don't think we're a good match". It takes the same amount of effort and while they'll still be hurt they're less likely they'll blow up in your face.

I'm quite blunt, but I find that that being polite in these situations tends to cause less hassle.
 
@Amalthea : Thanks for telling! And I agreed with you and your entire statement fullheartedly. As far as I'm concerned, it was indeed not the best kind of language, it was not the best form of etiquette, and I'm not acting my best.

And well, as the rest, I'm not exactly talking about my own problem..just that, well, it's interesting that most people here seem to use this sort of sentence in romantic purposes (where I assume rejection is much more important), compared to my own situation, which is platonic.

I'm mostly curious about your own cases. XD

I also agreed with @JGirl that context matters a lot.
And @Framed. Yep, I think depending on a context one can indeed be an example of jerkassitude, while the same sentence can be...not enough, in a different situation, with a different people.
Yeah there is a huge difference between telling someone you are not interested romantically and platonically. Do you mean platonically as in friends? Did someone try to be your friend and you told them you weren't interested? That is definitely rude compared to responding that way to someone romantically interested. I guess because we can't really choose who we have sexual chemistry with--it just happens and we feel it. I guess the rejection of friendship seems more hurtful that way because you are consciously choosing to be disinterested.
 
blunt is not a super good thing when rejecting someone for taking an interest (if harmless).

there are so many other ways to say the same thing.
 
Were you really sorry? If not, you can shorten it.
 
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i think the way you responded is pretty standard. i think its considered acceptable etiquette to respond "sorry, im not interested", because it is definite and it lets them know exactly where things stand. i think its pretty intense for someone to blow up over it. but i guess people are sensitive about their feelings. maybe a more careful response is something like "thanks im flattered but im not interested in dating right now." or "thanks im flattered but im interested in someone else." ?
 
From the things I'd asked other people and gathered from here:

Rejecting.... It can be blunt, it can be rude, but at its core a lot of people does not matter. Some does, for better or worse; or simply, different.

Presentation matters. It is a bit about the nature of rejection itself, and a bit about how one phrases it can bring other insinuations and implications to play. While some people may have greater sensitivity towards rejection (and that may be another problem in itself), the way one phrases the rejection can be gentle, can be weak, can be rude, blunt, honest. Of course, different people see same things differently.

At the same time, context matters. Not only whether it's platonic/romantic, but the topic in question (was it about their interest? Was it about emotionally charged topic; for instance, social justice issues, or severe issues like disasters? Or was it just a 9gag link?) or the relationship one has (are you just casual acquaintance? Close friends? Romantic partner? Family? etc, etc.)

And of course, the intentions to begin with. Why are they giving that to begin with? Why are we rejecting that to begin with? What is our intention?

What I'm wondering atm is the ripple effect.
This is definitely my paranoid speaking.
Do any of you who have rejected someone's offer and/or interest, whether platonically or romantically..Do any of you ever feel dread or agitation over 'omg what they might do with it'? Like, "omg, I rejected them, they will spread gossip about me and RUIN MY LIFE"
 
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Yeah there is a huge difference between telling someone you are not interested romantically and platonically. Do you mean platonically as in friends? Did someone try to be your friend and you told them you weren't interested? That is definitely rude compared to responding that way to someone romantically interested. I guess because we can't really choose who we have sexual chemistry with--it just happens and we feel it. I guess the rejection of friendship seems more hurtful that way because you are consciously choosing to be disinterested.
No, in my case, it's not that far. Just a link that the person is interested in, and I'm not.
But at the same time I can see in retrospect how my rejection may give an implication like what you mentioned.
And the conscious choice to be disinterested is an interesting thing. There is indeed some sort of that, isn't it.
But at the same time, hmm. The question goes back to, what would be a better alternative?

blunt is not a super good thing when rejecting someone for taking an interest (if harmless).

there are so many other ways to say the same thing.
I do agreed. Which is why I'm grateful this happened.

Were you really sorry? If not, you can shorten it.
Yes, sort of. They bothered, after all.
 
No, in my case, it's not that far. Just a link that the person is interested in, and I'm not.
But at the same time I can see in retrospect how my rejection may give an implication like what you mentioned.
And the conscious choice to be disinterested is an interesting thing. There is indeed some sort of that, isn't it.
But at the same time, hmm. The question goes back to, what would be a better alternative?


I do agreed. Which is why I'm grateful this happened.


Yes, sort of. They bothered, after all.
A link? Can you be specific and just explain what you weren't interested in? Or clarify?
 
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