"Social engineers" who talk you into revealing your shameful secrets

There's something intrinsically desirable to most humans about knowing secrets of any kind.
People like to feel special and knowing a secret gives them a hit of that feeling.
But they can also build bridges of trust.
Confiding in others in healthy ways is important for social navigation and strength.

Obviously if there's some unwanted pressure felt or unease with trust then there's a problem of some kind at hand.
People often overshare when it's something that has been a pervasive thought line creating emotional stress internally, so simply sharing it even in unhealthy ways will relieve some of the pressure. But it won't be resolved until the patterns of thinking are changed.

I've rambled on, hope this was helpful.

 

I recommend losing the shame and reaching that balance point where you can simultaneously care about a person’s experience and well-being, yet not give a fuck about what they think of you.

I know, easily said, but not easily done. And of course, context matters.

I’ve been known to open my mouth before thinking, certainly back before I was Dx’d and Rx’d for ADHD.

And I have all kinds of thoughts about women (and men), but I have no sense I should be ashamed of any of those thoughts.

I think that’s down to the content itself, and not a deficit on my part, or being brazen, or whatnot. That said, I would expect value differences if it was all laid out for examination...but nothing should come up that would stop us from getting lunch together.

I grew up under a narcissist, so I can smell that probing question stench from a long way away. I go with one of two options: full social graces, playfully, but give them nothing but suggestion and misdirection, or just give up the goods without any whiff of concern. The former gets them excited, the latter disappoints them, but in either case, you do not become their supply.

Cheers,
Ian

 

I actually think INFJs are pretty good at this, TBH, but we don't do it for blackmailing purposes in most cases. I can't speak for all INFJs and I'm not saying we're the only ones who do this.

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... Overall, I think you need to work on boundaries. If you don't want to reveal vulnerable information, create a boundary with yourself not to share it. Honor that boundary within yourself. If someone asks you to reveal your secrets, tell them, "No." If they keep pushing, they are not honoring your boundaries. End the conversation, or at least end the topic.

It's an exercise you need to keep practicing, like going to the gym.

 

I liked this so much I read it a second time, and then a third. Yes, this, exactly this.

Cheers,
Ian

 

I definitely do not think or live like that.

I do not no longer suffer from an anxiety disorder of any kind, and in general, am not an anxious individual.

I don’t have any sense of protectiveness about my memories, beliefs, or experiences.

In my case, the in-person experience of engagement is the reason. My memories, as related in a story, might entertain someone, and relating the meaning of my experiences might be of use to someone, but on average, my beliefs tend to lead people to think I am a nutter, or of some persuasion that is highly suspect, or piss them off. It’s the live show that people pay money for.

If it is your way, it isn’t nonsense, at least to you, and if that is a significant part of what fuels your engine, I thank you for revealing that aspect of your person. To know and be known is my greatest value.

Well, keep in mind that is other people’s judgments of you, and only you can determine the degree to which that is accurate, or even true. The summation is not enough. The reason why is more important than the conclusion itself, in my opinion.

I heard that (guarded and intense) many times in years past because I like free-ranging conversation with no rules other than mutual consent. In particular, I used to love to engage in small talk, and very quickly go deep diving so a total stranger would talk to me about spirituality, or some other deep psychological thing. This worked nicely with captive audiences, like cab drivers.

And in dating, I always wanted to get to know, really know, so if it was okay, the usual rules would be set aside—with the understanding that consent could be withdrawn at any time, for any reason.

But I would sometimes get tagged with guarded (or other words, some of which were barbs or slurs) because I’m friends-first, owing to my nature as demi. In this culture, not pushing for sex can confuse people, anger people, and/or trigger their insecurity, and I experienced that a number of times. Which was okay—it served to filter out those who were unsuitable for me. All other things being equal, I think friends make the best lovers.

Ha! They may have not admitted that to anyone, but as secrets go, it’s common to the point of banality. Given this culture, I’m not surprised that a woman’s feelings might fade, assuming they were present to begin with. And the combination of so little witness, other-interest, and communication about sex, in concert with the typical touchpoints of shame, as well as unmet need, means to me that phrases like “he has a strange fetish” can describe nearly anything. It all depends on where a person is coming from, their degree of openness, attitude, tendency toward judgment, and so on. That said, I can appreciate a person’s acceptance of their partner is likely to fade when their love for their partner does. And for sure, people get off to all kinds of things, so even anything-goes types like myself can be puzzzled by, or get weirded out by, a wide variety of things.

Absolutely, but I don’t encounter many people like that in real life. I’m not sure if that is rarity, or people who roll that way stay away from me, or people who would otherwise do those things know their spellcraft is of no power against my person.

I’ve been known to engage in positive gossip—talking about someone behind their back, saying only good things about them. I started doing that at a previous workplace after I experienced other people doing it. That company had the best vibes of any social situation I have ever experienced. I think it was because the owner was a truly loving, relationship-driven individual. That was evidenced in both his words and actions.

Best to You,
Ian