[INFJ] So... she called to talk after I sent her that message.

Don't meet.

This is not salvageable.

 

She feels like she has attachment issues.
Unless you're interested in a years-long marathon sorting those out with her (one sidedly), let it go.

 

I second this all the way.

 

Here's what I want you to do.

Get a piece of paper and a pen.

Now, write a story about best case scenario your ideal situation of what you would like to happen. Really imagine it. Write it with as much detail as possible. Make sure that you keep it realistic. You can't, for example, change a person's personality in order to make the story work. Within what is in character for everyone involved, write the perfect situation.

What did you come up with?

 

I think it all boils down to she's not sexually attracted to you.

Your entire situation is familiar to me because it happened to me. In my case, guy is INTP and I INFJ. Guy and I were so close we practically spent every goddamned day together for around or over two years of our lives. Lunch. Dinner. Movies. Couple phones. Shoes. (He even also recently just bought a bag exactly like mine) but the thing is this: he did not want to cross the line that time and I have decided that he will never change his mind. His reason was that he loved me and couldn't ever imagine a life without me but only as a friend. Meaning: he'll attach himself emotionally to me but won't bang me. It was as simple as that.

We can't really argue against their choices. It's just theirs. That's where they choose to be and on that same ground, I also stomped my foot down to insist that my choice at that time was to terminate our friendship. He can argue against it but he still has to respect it in the same way I have to respect that he doesn't have feelings for me. He argued against it and said I'd change my mind when i've figured out that I don't really like him. I said I wouldn't change my mind. I didn't change my mind about not wanting to cultivate that much depth of our friendship again but he was right that I changed my mind about liking him. He's still attractive. Dude's got a nice pair of eyes but without his permission, I wouldn't ever let my self love him and I succeeded on drawing that line. I don't like him that way anymore. But to this day, he still tries to push back against the lines I've drawn and still tries to bring back our friendship. The trick is to give them a piece of what they want but to re establish boundaries where they're necessary. In my case, I draw the line at camaraderie. We can't ever spend personal time alone together ever unless it was something minor like him walking me to my car. But movies, dinners, all that jazz is gone. End. Cut.

Sometimes they see us completely just not with in a tint or shade we hoped they'd see. Not with some pink fluff or lusty reds.

My advice is to stay strong in your position and don't let her get any closer unless you know you're strong enough for it.

She's being stubborn because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. That is not fair to you so you have to keep repeating that. She will understand it eventually but she may not accept it. Let it be. Focus on yourself and put up all the ice cold walls. After she sees your pain, she'll get it. I made sure he knew mine because he had to be responsible for some of it if only for all of my time that he wasted. I also made sure he would hurt so that he felt exactly what I was feeling--- except to him he was being rejected as a friend while I was rejected as something a bit more.

One key difference between your case and mine was that he bought me meals and gave me stuff so I guess economically, we're evened out.

 

Actually acknowledge that she exists, but make it clear that hers is an existence that you don't want to be associated with. No human that ever tried to establish connection kept going if they weren't egged on enough. But what I suggest you do is egg her a bit on so that her guilt is pacified only a bit. And then retract even further to hammer back her guilt and then forget. Don't care. Hate her if you must. Be angry at her for using you.

She's guilty. She's hanging on because she's guilty. She knows she did stuff that lead you on. whether or not she accepts this consciously, on some level she knows she has committed some mistake. The only way to acquit her of it is to retain and maintain your friendship. (Or maybe she can't live without you too--- which is bullcrap).

As I was in your shoes, I used that guilt too. So then I used him and now we're even.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not pure evil. This whole friendship is salvageable but any relationship for now must be put on hold. She should at least get that.

 

Yes, very much. But you know what? Be that damned big regret.

 

The coyote is wyote

 

P.S. Sorry I was projecting with that whole post up there.

But! Yeah, if she wants to at least respect you as a friend, she should give you space. And that is the final statement.

 

Is that projection though if somebody asked for your opinion and drawing on your own experiences you explained what you have done? To me that's just how advice works

 

Their situation is surely not exactly mine albeit similar so my interpretations could have colored theirs differently. My friendship with this guy has a fundamental component to it--- i fell later into the dance and not at the onset, so we were genuinely friends and had to salvage some of that. Nonetheless, I became certain that he used me to some extent---although not for money, he used me for connections to advance his career so I am familiar with the emotion of being used.

But I sure do hope my experience would help Ordz see their situation for what it is.