[INFJ] So... she called to talk after I sent her that message.

[ordz404]

So, this is the continuation of the previous thread where i just pretty much slammed the phone after the darn argument, and wanted to use the nuclear option.

https://www.infjs.com/threads/infj-...h-date-and-she-wants-to-be-friends-now.38028/

So yes... she called. Somehow I rather had she not called me. But she did. We did trash things out on the phone and while I do feel better having a long honest talk. But it doesn't change either of our positions. And i simply said we could argue till the bloody cows came home and still not come to freaking agreement. Most arguments don't get resolved in relationships and that is life.

So I don't want to keep this post too long but, our positions are clearly different. I told her that i liked her alot, and was willing to give it time if she agreed to it. Her position still stood as i like you as a friend and i'm still willing to hang out with you as a friend. But why the hell would a guy wanna do that? Its also annoying that she still calls me by nick names we gave each other.. so is her freaking skull made of oak or 100 year old timbre?

To add salt to the wound, she's like.. hey you know i still have your Christmas present and i'd like to pass it to you. Hey gal, you clearly dont' seem to understand the nuances of the situation... maybe you live on pluto? and your brain is frozen?

i need space for my heart to heal and to take time to grief the loss of what I thought was growing relationship. I take courage to bear one's heart to confess, and perhaps even greater courage to walk away with dignity and assertiveness... and clear I'm still upset to a certain extent. I asked her why not give us a chance, and her only reason she's saying so far is, i don't feel the spark or chemistry.

And i'm like we hung out till the bloody shops closed, had deep engaging conversations, we had good banter and I felt like we shared moments of closeness knowing stuff about her family, and her own challenges, etc, and the lack of chemistry was her no.1 reason for not wanting to let this continue. She doesn't sound like she knows what wants really. And maybe for some people, Chemistry is the no 1 priority of them.

She said that we did share a good number of common interests and areas. But her feeling of the lack of chemistry was the decision for her wanting to just remain friends... ( and of course while still benefiting from the attention advice and care i would give her in the capacity of a friend ). At this point... im not too keen on wanting to meet. I'm just wanting to do closure and be done with this whole debacle

So my hearty mates, please kick me in the butt and drop a freaking anvil on my head! Peace!

 

[Asa]

I know it is tempting, but I wouldn't meet with her.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Don't meet.

This is not salvageable.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

She feels like she has attachment issues.
Unless you're interested in a years-long marathon sorting those out with her (one sidedly), let it go.

 

[ordz404]

She feels like she has attachment issues.
Unless you're interested in a years-long marathon sorting those out with her (one sidedly), let it go.

Hard to say, maybe her head is made of lead. Nothing gets to her. And all is fine and dandy,
She's been to egypt for too long... in the river nile, coz shes in DENILE

 

[Asa]

In romances, when people pull away it is common for the other person to try harder to stay attached or reconnect. Rejection hurts. Now that you are putting an end to this, she wants more of it.
This happens often, in all different kinds of relationships. The rejected person clings.


There is also something strange about how she used you for attention, let you pay for dates, and give her presents, but didn't intend to be in a relationship with you, and even pretended she didn't understand when you brought it up, but now that that you are rejecting her she is trying to get your attention again. She has unhealthy behavior patterns you want to avoid.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

In romances, when people pull away it is common for the other person to try harder to stay attached or reconnect. Rejection hurts. Now that you are putting an end to this, she wants more of it.
This happens often, in all different kinds of relationships. The rejected person clings.


There is also something strange about how she used you for attention, let you pay for dates, and give her presents, but didn't intend to be in a relationship with you, and even pretended she didn't understand when you brought it up, but now that that you are rejecting her she is trying to get your attention again. She has unhealthy behavior patterns you want to avoid.

I second this all the way.

 

[slant]

Here's what I want you to do.

Get a piece of paper and a pen.

Now, write a story about best case scenario your ideal situation of what you would like to happen. Really imagine it. Write it with as much detail as possible. Make sure that you keep it realistic. You can't, for example, change a person's personality in order to make the story work. Within what is in character for everyone involved, write the perfect situation.

What did you come up with?

 

[mintoots]

So, this is the continuation of the previous thread where i just pretty much slammed the phone after the darn argument, and wanted to use the nuclear option.

https://www.infjs.com/threads/infj-...h-date-and-she-wants-to-be-friends-now.38028/

So yes... she called. Somehow I rather had she not called me. But she did. We did trash things out on the phone and while I do feel better having a long honest talk. But it doesn't change either of our positions. And i simply said we could argue till the bloody cows came home and still not come to freaking agreement. Most arguments don't get resolved in relationships and that is life.

So I don't want to keep this post too long but, our positions are clearly different. I told her that i liked her alot, and was willing to give it time if she agreed to it. Her position still stood as i like you as a friend and i'm still willing to hang out with you as a friend. But why the hell would a guy wanna do that? Its also annoying that she still calls me by nick names we gave each other.. so is her freaking skull made of oak or 100 year old timbre?

To add salt to the wound, she's like.. hey you know i still have your Christmas present and i'd like to pass it to you. Hey gal, you clearly dont' seem to understand the nuances of the situation... maybe you live on pluto? and your brain is frozen?

i need space for my heart to heal and to take time to grief the loss of what I thought was growing relationship. I take courage to bear one's heart to confess, and perhaps even greater courage to walk away with dignity and assertiveness... and clear I'm still upset to a certain extent. I asked her why not give us a chance, and her only reason she's saying so far is, i don't feel the spark or chemistry.

And i'm like we hung out till the bloody shops closed, had deep engaging conversations, we had good banter and I felt like we shared moments of closeness knowing stuff about her family, and her own challenges, etc, and the lack of chemistry was her no.1 reason for not wanting to let this continue. She doesn't sound like she knows what wants really. And maybe for some people, Chemistry is the no 1 priority of them.

She said that we did share a good number of common interests and areas. But her feeling of the lack of chemistry was the decision for her wanting to just remain friends... ( and of course while still benefiting from the attention advice and care i would give her in the capacity of a friend ). At this point... im not too keen on wanting to meet. I'm just wanting to do closure and be done with this whole debacle

So my hearty mates, please kick me in the butt and drop a freaking anvil on my head! Peace!

I think it all boils down to she's not sexually attracted to you.

Your entire situation is familiar to me because it happened to me. In my case, guy is INTP and I INFJ. Guy and I were so close we practically spent every goddamned day together for around or over two years of our lives. Lunch. Dinner. Movies. Couple phones. Shoes. (He even also recently just bought a bag exactly like mine) but the thing is this: he did not want to cross the line that time and I have decided that he will never change his mind. His reason was that he loved me and couldn't ever imagine a life without me but only as a friend. Meaning: he'll attach himself emotionally to me but won't bang me. It was as simple as that.

We can't really argue against their choices. It's just theirs. That's where they choose to be and on that same ground, I also stomped my foot down to insist that my choice at that time was to terminate our friendship. He can argue against it but he still has to respect it in the same way I have to respect that he doesn't have feelings for me. He argued against it and said I'd change my mind when i've figured out that I don't really like him. I said I wouldn't change my mind. I didn't change my mind about not wanting to cultivate that much depth of our friendship again but he was right that I changed my mind about liking him. He's still attractive. Dude's got a nice pair of eyes but without his permission, I wouldn't ever let my self love him and I succeeded on drawing that line. I don't like him that way anymore. But to this day, he still tries to push back against the lines I've drawn and still tries to bring back our friendship. The trick is to give them a piece of what they want but to re establish boundaries where they're necessary. In my case, I draw the line at camaraderie. We can't ever spend personal time alone together ever unless it was something minor like him walking me to my car. But movies, dinners, all that jazz is gone. End. Cut.

Sometimes they see us completely just not with in a tint or shade we hoped they'd see. Not with some pink fluff or lusty reds.

My advice is to stay strong in your position and don't let her get any closer unless you know you're strong enough for it.

She's being stubborn because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. That is not fair to you so you have to keep repeating that. She will understand it eventually but she may not accept it. Let it be. Focus on yourself and put up all the ice cold walls. After she sees your pain, she'll get it. I made sure he knew mine because he had to be responsible for some of it if only for all of my time that he wasted. I also made sure he would hurt so that he felt exactly what I was feeling--- except to him he was being rejected as a friend while I was rejected as something a bit more.

One key difference between your case and mine was that he bought me meals and gave me stuff so I guess economically, we're evened out.

 

[mintoots]

Hard to say, maybe her head is made of lead. Nothing gets to her. And all is fine and dandy,
She's been to egypt for too long... in the river nile, coz shes in DENILE

Actually acknowledge that she exists, but make it clear that hers is an existence that you don't want to be associated with. No human that ever tried to establish connection kept going if they weren't egged on enough. But what I suggest you do is egg her a bit on so that her guilt is pacified only a bit. And then retract even further to hammer back her guilt and then forget. Don't care. Hate her if you must. Be angry at her for using you.

She's guilty. She's hanging on because she's guilty. She knows she did stuff that lead you on. whether or not she accepts this consciously, on some level she knows she has committed some mistake. The only way to acquit her of it is to retain and maintain your friendship. (Or maybe she can't live without you too--- which is bullcrap).

As I was in your shoes, I used that guilt too. So then I used him and now we're even.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not pure evil. This whole friendship is salvageable but any relationship for now must be put on hold. She should at least get that.

 

[ordz404]

I think it all boils down to she's not sexually attracted to you.

Haha.. you know @mintoots, shot her down with that yesterday. She said she didn't feel any chemistry and so i spelled for her.
Chemistry you just mean we dont have any bloody sexual tension - and she giggled. I think i hit the freaking jackpot there.
And you're right. She ain't no getting no cake.

 

[Wyote]

I asked her why not give us a chance, and her only reason she's saying so far is, i don't feel the spark or chemistry.

She doesn't sound like she knows what wants really. And maybe for some people, Chemistry is the no 1 priority of them.

I'm just wanting to do closure and be done with this whole debacle

So my hearty mates, please kick me in the butt and drop a freaking anvil on my head! Peace!

She just wants you around as an orbiter to stroke her own ego. Don't waste your time.

 

[ordz404]

She just wants you around as an orbiter to stroke her own ego. Don't waste your time.

DARN IT WYOTE!! the freaking anvil. HAHHAA. That totally cracked me up.
Man i loved the roadrunner. Its a pretty cute bird. and sometime i actually do feel bad for the coyote.

 

[Wyote]

and sometime i actually do feel bad for the coyote.

Gracias

 

[mintoots]

She just wants you around as an orbiter to stroke her own ego. Don't waste your time

Yes, very much. But you know what? Be that damned big regret.

 

[mintoots]

coyote

The coyote is wyote

 

[mintoots]

P.S. Sorry I was projecting with that whole post up there.

But! Yeah, if she wants to at least respect you as a friend, she should give you space. And that is the final statement.

 

[slant]

P.S. Sorry I was projecting with that whole post up there.

But! Yeah, if she wants to at least respect you as a friend, she should give you space. And that is the final statement.

Is that projection though if somebody asked for your opinion and drawing on your own experiences you explained what you have done? To me that's just how advice works

 

[ordz404]

All is good moots i mean mintoots
Just means that you cared about very much and was hurt. Anger is an emotional, not a negative one, but one that can bring about positive change.
And i do believe that you stood your ground and while it was painful, you wouldn't look back.

I'm not for tit for tat, but i do believe i'll be letting her know that i won't be meeting her. And it wont be necessary to give that present to me.
Coz she said she "owed" me a present. as if to make herself feel better that she gave me back something.
sigh. If im reading in between the lines, i can tell somewhere in there, shes feeling guilty alright.

 

[mintoots]

Is that projection though if somebody asked for your opinion and drawing on your own experiences you explained what you have done? To me that's just how advice works

Their situation is surely not exactly mine albeit similar so my interpretations could have colored theirs differently. My friendship with this guy has a fundamental component to it--- i fell later into the dance and not at the onset, so we were genuinely friends and had to salvage some of that. Nonetheless, I became certain that he used me to some extent---although not for money, he used me for connections to advance his career so I am familiar with the emotion of being used.

But I sure do hope my experience would help Ordz see their situation for what it is.