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Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions for Introverts

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Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions for Introverts

Comebacks to the clueless things people say to introverts.
Published on June 14, 2011 by Sophia Dembling in The Introvert's Corner

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As a kid, I was an avid reader of MAD magazine, which had a regular feature called Al Jaffee's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions. (You can still find used copies of the books of the same name.)The snappy answers were the responses you wished you could think of right away instead of two hours later, the clever retorts to dopey and/or clueless questions that would wither the questioner and provide certain smug (if unkind) satisfaction.
This feature came to mind as I was writing the post "How to Piss Off an Introvert" and so I decided to revisit the topic. I can't hope to be funny as the great Al Jaffee, who is the longest-running contributor to MAD. But I thought I'd take a shot at snappy answers some of the questions/comments that drive introverts bonkers.

Why are you so quiet?

  • I'm listening to the voices in my head.
  • Somebody has to be. (Thanks to reader sb22)
  • I'm studying to be a mime.
Smile!

  • Why?
  • I can't. Tragic Botox incident.
  • I will when you go away.
Why are you always so serious?

  • I'm only serious on the outside. I'm partying on the inside.
  • Always? Have you been stalking me?
  • Because the universe is expanding, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything! (Thanks Alvy Singer.)
Are you mad?

  • No, just eccentric.
  • Why, what have you done?
  • Not yet.
Do you hate people?

  • Not all people.
  • Only people who ask me that question.
  • No, they're delicious with a nice Chianti. (Thanks Hannibal Lecter.)
Are you a snob?

  • No, I'm a slob. That must have been a typo.
  • Of course not. I'm here, aren't I?
  • No, I pride myself on my low standards.
You look bored.

  • Don't be so hard on yourself.
  • This is my rapt face.
  • Only when you talk.
You don't know how to have fun.

  • Sure I do. Tell me when it starts.
  • I didn't know "fun" was a synonym for "loud."
  • You're right, I'm outta here.
Got some of your own? I'd love to hear them. Keep ‘em clean and not too mean, please. Let's make Al Jaffee proud.
Click to expand...
 
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Why don't you relax and loosen up a bit?

If I did, I might let out what I think about you.
If I wanted to relax, I'd have moved into a nursing home.
I'm having a flashback.
 
"Are you all right"
"No! I'm really left wing".

They never seem to get that one, which makes it more appealing.

Or if someone is not minding their own business and say,

"What's up"
and I usually say "Who sent you?"
 
good ones / "are you ok, you seem so serious?" = well, serious is as serious does . . . n stuff. :D
 
Bikerdelic said:
"Are you all right"
"No! I'm really left wing".

They never seem to get that one, which makes it more appealing.

Or if someone is not minding their own business and say,

"What's up"
and I usually say "Who sent you?"
Click to expand...

What's up?

The vector opposing a center of gravity.
 
"I was just like you; I didn't talk much"

"A pity you changed"

"Why so serious?"

"Why so stupid?"

"Why don't you smile more?"

"I'm saving myself for your funeral."
 
Bikerdelic said:
"Are you all right"
"No! I'm really left wing".

They never seem to get that one, which makes it more appealing.

Or if someone is not minding their own business and say,

"What's up"
and I usually say "Who sent you?"
Click to expand...

Which of course makes you wrong.
 
Jacobi said:
"Why don't you smile more?"

"I'm saving myself for your funeral."
Click to expand...

lol


That's what I'm talking about, Introverts!
Fcukin' rattle when someone's in your space.



Please, don't mind me. Continue your awesomeness. :)
 
i'm using these for sure:

You look bored.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
This is my rapt face.
Only when you talk.
 
Why are you so quiet?
We don't really even caaare...

Smile!
We don't really even caaare...

Why are you always so serious?
We don't really even caaare...

Are you mad?
We don't really even caaare...

Do you hate people?
We don't really even caaare...

Are you a snob?
We don't really even caaare...

You look bored.
We don't really even caaare...

You don't know how to have fun.
We don't really even caaare...
About youuuu...

[video=youtube;i5aEJbUj9OA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5aEJbUj9OA[/video]
 
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The setup.

Have you ever met someone you know, I mean you KNOW, just doesnt have that much between their ears but somehow works in a position higher than your?

"Can I offer you some adivce?" (Clearly not for your benefit but theirs)
"Can I offer you a glass of shut the hell up?"

Not as good as some of the others here by any means.
 
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Smile! -> Why? Do you want to see if there's something on my teeth?
 
"have a nice day"

- don't tell me what kind of a day to have!
or
- sorry i have other plans
 
Eventhorizon said:
The setup.

Have you ever met someone you know, I mean you KNOW, just doesnt have that much between their ears but somehow works in a position higher than your?

"Can I offer you some adivce?" (Clearly not for your benefit but theirs)
"Can I offer you a glass of shut the hell up?"

Not as good as some of the others here by any means.
Click to expand...

Can I offer you some advice?

Only if you are willing to listen to what I think of it afterwards.
Why not? You've already crossed the line.
Only if it is from a reputable source.
Sure, but if I follow it - and it doesn't work - I'll probably sue you.
 
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