Showing aversion when you want to show affection

[Flavus Aquila]

I don't know if it's an INFJ thing, or if its a certain kind of temperament thing, or a personality dysfunction social/psychological/etc. But one of the most frustrating things I am always confronted with is that the people I most want to care for, the ones I think about and worry about are also the ones I seem to show aversion to.

Actually, I don't know if I show aversion, of if some other dynamic is going on, but the end effect is that the people I actually give two hoots about get the impression that I have a problem with them.

Conversely, the people I kind of deal with in an efficient and 'officious', or 'perfunctory' way always seem to get the impression that I long to be in their company and are grateful for my company.



This sucks, because it always comes back to a central dilemma: If I want to do something good for someone, I have to consider them as unimportant to me. This just seems wrong in some fundamentally hypocritical way. Maybe there's some truth in the value of detachment in love - but I can't seem to figure out how to show care in a way that is both effective and sincere.


Anyhow, this should perhaps have been a blog - but I'm interested if anyone has any insight.

 

[linger]

I often have the problem that people I only "deal with" think we're buddies--but I think, for me, it's because I'm super polite at work which comes off as friendly.

I do think there's something to the notion about people you liking seeming to think you don't like them, though. I wonder if it's, in part, because the people that you like are the ones you would potentially allow into your inner circle (so to speak). So they get the notion that you're holding back which could, in turn, come off as not liking them. The other people have no sense of your depth so they don't really see themselves as missing out.

It's an idea anyway. (Based on my own experience, I guess.)

 

[knight in battle]

When I wanted to show affection toward one friend, there was the usual aversion. I was able to show certain forms of affection but not others. Showing affection to strangers was mere practice for the more important function: showing affection to familiar and dear people, because the affection shown to dear people is more meaningful. It is also more hurtful if they are unwilling to accept your affection and care.

I got through this fear when I focused my attention to producing this affection toward him. It took time to feel the right moments for it, but I realized that I had it in me to show this affection, after all.

 

[Jana]

Oh, yeeees!
I like to tease one I really like. It is easier than to be openly warm and loving. So it might seams that I have problem with them...
If I am only polite and civil...you are not in my inner circle.

 

[abeautifulheartandmind]

Oh, I think it has been mentioned on another thread but I do can't be touchy-feely nor do I want anyone touching me for any reason most of the time. I think some of mine comes from my childhood. I never really correlated it to being INFJ.

I do wonder if anyone has this though. I tend to feel if something really bad happens to another person then it was horrible but if the same thing happens to me, I don't really see it as all that bad. Does anyone do that? Like an aversion to accepting bad things, I guess?

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Oh, I think it has been mentioned on another thread but I do can't be touchy-feely nor do I want anyone touching me for any reason most of the time. I think some of mine comes from my childhood. I never really correlated it to being INFJ.

I do wonder if anyone has this though. I tend to feel if something really bad happens to another person then it was horrible but if the same thing happens to me, I don't really see it as all that bad. Does anyone do that? Like an aversion to accepting bad things, I guess?

I must admit that I mostly don't like being touched - but when someone sneaks up and bear-hugs me (probably because they know I don't like it) - I must admit that I feel pretty good because of it.

+1 to not minding if something happens to me that would enrage me if it happened to someone else.

 

[Brodskizzle]

This is completely uncanny. Wherever I am, there seem to be people who really enjoy my company whom I merely tolerate. But I constantly lock horns with my closest friends, and my loved ones are always worried that I hate them. Is this an official part of our type description, or just a quirk we all have?