Scared Control freak...

Altruistic Muse

Altruistic Muse

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
4?
This will read like a train of thought, probably because it is. At the ripe old age of nearly 25 and several relationships later, I realise I'm terrified of commitment, and actually love! I've sabotaged previous relationships, and feel like I'm going to do the same this time round. But it's too important that I don't!!! You see, when it gets to that stage, after maybe three or four months, when there's not quite the same excitement and buzz of the very beginning, and maybe talking is less (I've know this guy for nearly two years now prior to the relationship starting, so it's not like we have to get to know millions of things about eachother), I get scared. I get scared that he doesn't like me so much, and at that stage, I start pushing him away, and being moody, and being aloof, or worse clingy (either extreme)... And today I realised that at the bottom of it, is the feeling "I'm too scared to let this fail, and I can't control it. At least if I partake in its ruin I'll know it's coming..." Crazy!! Crazy crazy...
 
[MENTION=991]Altruistic Muse[/MENTION]: Everything you just said, is why i'm still single 3 yrs. after a divorce.
 
Oh dear :(. I'm guessing it hasn't improved with age then? Do you find relationships easier if you don't care so much about the person too?
 
I've been there.
It really does take a leap of faith.
I got hit over the head with it when the person I'm dating said, "I understand what you're doing--you're trying to push me away and if you don't stop doing it, I will go away." You have to decide if the person is worth the risk of it not working out or not--and then let go of control and just 'be' with them.
Honestly, it has worked for me.
 
Hehe thanks acd. I like that he said that to you! Out in the open and sounding silly is a good thing. My guy is definitely worth the leap of faith, I am so working on it... I guess just do, right? Don't try, do. Thanks. Glad things are working out for you :)
 
The fact that you are aware of it and questioning leads me to believe that you're brave enough to overcome it.
 
Well, dear, I would bet that most of us here are control freaks, maybe not openly in NTJ or STJ way, but we are, belive me...
We are good if we admit it. And for the commitment thing - huh...I struggle with that also....but again in rather supressed way...
 
This is true, since unlike SF or ST we don't treat love as "hugs, kisses and sex". It's more of a friendship and companion basis. Too bad to be with people who are not likely to move along that way... (my mother is unlucky to be in such a relationship).
 
There is something to be said about enjoying being around another person, without interracting with that person.


If you can both quietly read the newspaper - or whatever - in each other's company without having to constantly reaffirm interest/approval/enjoyment of each other's company - you'll know you've hit the jackpot.
 
Jana said:
Well, dear, I would bet that most of us here are control freaks, maybe not openly in NTJ or STJ way, but we are, belive me...
We are good if we admit it. And for the commitment thing - huh...I struggle with that also....but again in rather supressed way...
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[MENTION=1069]Jana[/MENTION]; I'm not obsessive, I'm not obsessive, I'm not obsessive....
LOL!

Yes, I can relate. I will push someone away if I feel that there is too much going on. I need space to find my balance though. I don't know that I sabotage but I can become unbalanced and swing to extremes if I don't have enough space and time to just think and figure stuff out. It is hard to explain the need for space to someone new and has resulted in the death of a couple of relationships. I would say that communication is the most important part.
 
NDN NT said:
@Jana; I'm not obsessive, I'm not obsessive, I'm not obsessive....
LOL!

Yes, I can relate. I will push someone away if I feel that there is too much going on. I need space to find my balance though. I don't know that I sabotage but I can become unbalanced and swing to extremes if I don't have enough space and time to just think and figure stuff out. It is hard to explain the need for space to someone new and has resulted in the death of a couple of relationships. I would say that communication is the most important part.
Click to expand...

+1
 
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