"Researchers find 'official' funniest jokes of all time"

[invisible]

bad jokes

http://au.news.yahoo.com/world/a/-/world/8180554/reserachers-funniest-jokes-all-time/

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."'
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

 

[DoveAlexa]

Most are pretty meh, but I liked this one:

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

The #1 joke actually made me sad, just a little .

 

[88chaz88]

My Grandfather said to me on his deathbed 'You selfish boy...' and not long afterwards I became a fishmonger.

 

[TinyBubbles]

For the 'official top 50' most of these are pretty mediocre.

This one made me smile though:
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

and I'd love to see a duck do this:
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

 

[invisible]

most of them are pretty lame but i got a smile out of a couple of them. i used to have a real interest in terrible jokes and kind of collected them but for some reason i can't remember most of them anymore. i had this one that was like "what happened to joyce mayne" (a local australian whitegoods store owner who frequently appeared on her own television ads) and the answer was "kelvinator" (a refrigerator brand), and i thought it was hilarious and told everyone i met. i never seemed to find it less funny, but i'm sure they thought i was very annoying.

 

[88chaz88]

A duck walks in to a grocery store and asks "Do you have any duck food?" The shopkeeper politely states "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck goes home.

Next day the duck walks in again and asks "Do you have any duck food?" The shopkeeper replies "No, we don't have any duck food." in a rather irritated tone. The duck again walks home.

Next day the duck wanders into the store again and asks for duck food. The shopkeeper yells "No, we don't have any duck food and if you ask again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck runs out of the store.

Next day the duck comes back and asks "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper replies "No we don't have any nails."

The duck then looks up and says "Great, do you have any duck food?"

 

[Jill Hives]

"34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

*snort*

 

[TinyBubbles]

most of them are pretty lame but i got a smile out of a couple of them. i used to have a real interest in terrible jokes and kind of collected them but for some reason i can't remember most of them anymore. i had this one that was like "what happened to joyce mayne" (a local australian whitegoods store owner who frequently appeared on her own television ads) and the answer was "kelvinator" (a refrigerator brand), and i thought it was hilarious and told everyone i met. i never seemed to find it less funny, but i'm sure they thought i was very annoying.

Hehe, that is kind of funny And I know what you mean, sometimes jokes are so bad you can't help but crack a smile - if only at the fact that someone thought them up

 

[TinyBubbles]

A duck walks in to a grocery store and asks "Do you have any duck food?" The shopkeeper politely states "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck goes home.

Next day the duck walks in again and asks "Do you have any duck food?" The shopkeeper replies "No, we don't have any duck food." in a rather irritated tone. The duck again walks home.

Next day the duck wanders into the store again and asks for duck food. The shopkeeper yells "No, we don't have any duck food and if you ask again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck runs out of the store.

Next day the duck comes back and asks "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper replies "No we don't have any nails."

The duck then looks up and says "Great, do you have any duck food?"

that was cute =)