Relationships and Social Anxiety

[Gaze]

For those of you out there who struggle with this. You're not alone.


How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

 

[Lerxst]

I'd say "settling" is one of the biggest pitfalls I can think of...

It doesn't even have to be the standard "anxiety" it could be getting fed up with the idea of having to deal with people all the time and the uncertainty involved with it.

 

[alta]

For those of you out there who struggle with this. You're not alone.


How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

Relationships usually either failed to materialize (due to avoidance) or suffered from my not wanting to go out to parties as a date (loud noises, clubs, darkness, too many people)... As for approaching people, I prefer not making an effort there and just wait for them to come to me (and surprise and delight them once you make contact)! Most socially outgoing people will engage you and pretty much take the lead themselves provided you're at least friendly, polite, etc. Smiles make people so much more attractive! Females have it much easier as they just play defense, and for that I very much admire socially anxious males who are able to start a conversation with a stranger.

Fortunately, it (being outgoing) can be faked for long enough to feel natural/comfortable. Not caring about what happens really helps... Also, listening to celebrity interviews before going out anywhere. When I do it before big one-on-one meetings, it really puts me in the right state of mind.

Other things: Tensing all of your muscles for three seconds, then taking deep breaths takes away the shakes that accompany sudden rushes of adrenaline. Reminding yourself that you are the result of billions of years of evolutionary success (got that one from courage wolf)...

 

[eloquent_leo]

How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

Concerning the relationships with friends and family I have right now, they understand and help me out, but don't make a fuss if I need to sit in the car for a breather. Pursuit of relationships whether friends or more - I will meet them one on one and when I feel comfortable, I will meet more at a time together. Seems to help when I get to know one person at a time. If I have known a few people for awhile, I'm less anxiety prone. If I'm in a social setting I tend to have a conversation with only one person at a time... After awhile I have to go outside for a breather.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

Hmm... Some males seem to get the wrong idea when I'm only talking to them. I just want to be friends But most females/males like that I am putting in the effort to get to know them, and seem to open up more to where we can build a friendship.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

Haa... Deep breathing, lots of it. Knowing its okay to walk away for a few minutes to collect myself. Relaxation therapy. Doing something that needs focus - playing piano, drawing. More importantly, after knowing how to prevent an anxiety attack - you need to test it. Some people may only have anxiety when talking to others.. so this is for more of the extremes that I went through last year... Ex: You need to shop for groceries. Go with someone else first, if you can only make it to the door, it's okay. Each time, see how far you feel comfortable with before going back to the car. Eventually you'll be able to shop by yourself, and interact with others. You just got to test the waters, and know when to take a step back. It can be used for any situation really. Out at a bar - sit in the corner one night, next time sit towards the middle, again after that you can sit at the bar. With a large group of people at a house bbq, sit with the person who invited you, open up to the people sitting next to you, move your way slowly through and interact with others, and so on. Too much going on? Go outside for a breather, or for me- smoke a cigarette -_-;; After its all done, I'll be drained for a few days... sigh. One on ones are different depending on the person though.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

I would like to know this... The only place I've met people who understood my anxiety was in the mental hospital... Since then? Military and this forum. My current boss has been shady after I told her I have generalized anxiety so sometimes I may need to step outside when I get overwhelmed... she hasn't scheduled me for day shift since I told her. That doesn't help me at all - it just makes me more prone to going in my cave... sigh.

 

[Gaze]

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

I would like to know this... The only place I've met people who understood my anxiety was in the mental hospital... Since then? Military and this forum. My current boss has been shady after I told her I have generalized anxiety so sometimes I may need to step outside when I get overwhelmed... she hasn't scheduled me for day shift since I told her. That doesn't help me at all - it just makes me more prone to going in my cave... sigh.

Yeah, I've been debating whether to mention it my boss just so that she's aware but I'm worried about the stigma attached. People automatically assume you're giving them excuses or assume you can't do the job well. So, I've avoided mentioning it. But I'm not sure it's healthy. There are times when I have to walk into the classroom that I feel so nervous that I find myself almost have an enormous amount of nervous energy. I know it's somewhat visible if not completely visible and I worry that it's too noticeable and that I'll be seen as ineffective and incompetent because of it. It feels like a ton of pressure - much of it is a form of performance anxiety. You know there's a ton of expectations and you know you can't fill them, but you have to. It creates almost paranoid fear of people and increased self consciousness. It's not fun.

 

[eloquent_leo]

Yeah, I've been debating whether to mention it my boss just so that she's aware but I'm worried about the stigma attached. People automatically assume you're giving them excuses or assume you can't do the job well. So, I've avoided mentioning it. But I'm not sure it's healthy. There are times when I have to walk into the classroom that I feel so nervous that I find myself almost have an enormous amount of nervous energy. I know it's somewhat visible if not completely visible and I worry that it's too noticeable and that I'll be seen as ineffective and incompetent because of it. It feels like a ton of pressure - much of it is a form of performance anxiety. You know there's a ton of expectations and you know you can't fill them, but you have to. It creates almost paranoid fear of people and increased self consciousness. It's not fun.

Agreed. I think that it may just depend on how long you've been working there, and your performance, that will give a different reaction from an employer. Some may be more understanding, or wonder why you even felt the need to tell them (since they may see you as doing a fine job).

 

[Gaze]

Agreed. I think that it may just depend on how long you've been working there, and your performance, that will give a different reaction from an employer. Some may be more understanding, or wonder why you even felt the need to tell them (since they may see you as doing a fine job).

Yeah, but even if I can get through it most of the time reasonably well, the inner anxiety gets a little draining emotionally, because in the end the anxiety is not about what someone sees or doesn't see. The feeling never really goes away. It's always there.

 

[eloquent_leo]

[MENTION=1669]Carrie[/MENTION] Yeah, it always is. If you're unsure whether to tell your boss or not, try maybe telling a coworker first? Someone you can open up to when it overwhelms you and can be there to level it out?

 

[Gaze]

@Carrie Yeah, it always is. If you're unsure whether to tell your boss or not, try maybe telling a coworker first? Someone you can open up to when it overwhelms you and can be there to level it out?

thank you

 

[eloquent_leo]

[MENTION=1669]Carrie[/MENTION] No problem. Hope it helps.

 

[youhemmein]

This is one of my biggest obstacles. Has been since I was a child. I would like to know how to make friends and such without sitting around and just waiting for people to come to me. I can't initiate anything with anyone.

 

[Gaze]

This is one of my biggest obstacles. Has been since I was a child. I would like to know how to make friends and such without sitting around and just waiting for people to come to me. I can't initiate anything with anyone.

Yeah, being fearful of iniating things is one of my things. I'm too passive. Would love to be more proactive and less fearful when initiating contact.

 

[eloquent_leo]

[MENTION=1857]youhemmein[/MENTION] I'm in the same boat. I try to notice the small things when I meet someone new in real life.. maybe they have an interesting jewelry piece, or drink a different type of beer. I'll bring it up, and it usually gets the conversation going.

 

[uuu]

For those of you out there who struggle with this. You're not alone.


How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

Last week I fucked up one of the best friendships I've ever had because I became overconfident.

 

[mochi]

How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

I have social anxiety, but surprisingly it doesn't affect my relationships. It's kind of baffling even to myself, but I am very talkative and open when I trust someone enough to get to that stage.

As for pursuit, I would guess it has a great influence. But truthfully, a lot of it also has to do with my work schedule, so I can't say for sure. Also, I am not interested in pursuing as a female. But as to making my feelings known I hold great reservations.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

Dating, it's a bit the same. Meeting people (of all sorts, friends, etc) is affected. I usually wait for them to approach me.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

I drink teas. Really. :3 There's some special herbs that are "relaxing," and very good to calm the nerves.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety

Unsure.... Most of my close friends and family are understanding, but I don't really talk about my anxiety with new people, for fear of them not understanding of course.

 

[Sebastian]

I have struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I have spent so much of my waking life dealing with this problem... I know it inside out, it's part of who I am. I try not to let it define me but I think it's always going to be there in the background.

Speaking as a heterosexual male, it's crippling for relationships with the other sex. I'm sure it's hard for male/females and any sexual orientation but from where I'm standing as a heterosexual male it's nearly impossible to establish an intimate relationship... even casting aside notions of a serious relationship, a one night stand to share desires is almost as impossible... the rough and tough blokes with all the arrogant charisma step in waaaaay before the socially anxious guy in the corner. Sorry to talk about it as just raw meaningless sex... I'm illustrating an extreme is all. The socially anxious girls? they are so often are swept up by the charisma of the expert "player"... and suffer a different fate after having their needs met (many get stuck in dysfunctional relationships for example)... I'm not sure which is better, I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side... all in all social anxiety just messes things up all around.

Alcohol... oh alcohol how you have been the saviour of a completely isolated existence... but oh how you are a double edged sword and ruin things in the long run. Going to a party the goal was to drink a few drinks very very quickly to begin with... then some social interaction was possible... but it was always dysfunctional so it was either a matter of making an excuse and leaving or becoming ridiculously drunk so I didn't feel the anxiety. Either way waking up the next day was always a depressing experience, every party was survived... every single one... wow, that is so **** depressing when I think about it like that, I don't think I have ever genuinely enjoyed the process of going to a social function, it's always been a carefully engineered process of survival.

Graded exposure helps... together with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)... really pulling apart your experiences and thoughts and testing them to see how valid they really are. For example describing and rating your expected anxiety and experience while going to a local cafe and sitting down by yourself and having a coffee and something to eat (which is ****ing hard if you have social anxiety)... then actually going through the experience and coming back and analysing the ACTUAL experience, finding that one makes it out to be much much more daunting than the actual experience, so you can begin to challenge your own thoughts and perceptions.... going through that process and practising really does help.

How can I explain social anxiety? Sitting at home again on a Friday night, for the ????th week in a row... wanting so much to be involved in something, but not able to go to the corner shop to get milk for tea... facing the social experience of interacting with the shop keeper is much too daunting... how the hell can I go out? Let alone tell any girl that I think she's attractive!!! Ha ha, you've got to be kidding me. Order home delivery food and tip very well the person who delivers it to make sure it's a super positive happy interaction with no risk at all of confrontation... another Friday night.

I meet people on YouTube and some forums (like this one) that understand social anxiety. The internet has been a great medium for sharing insights with other people that have social anxiety.

I think it get easier with age, it has for me anyway I could never have written about these things on an internet forum a few years ago... partially because I couldn't articulate it, but as much because I was so fearful of the judgement of others on the internet. I guess I feel a bit safer here too because people seem to be a bit more understanding than the average corner of the internet.

 

[eloquent_leo]

[MENTION=4718]Sebastian[/MENTION]

The socially anxious girls? they are so often are swept up by the charisma of the expert "player"... and suffer a different fate after having their needs met (many get stuck in dysfunctional relationships for example)... I'm not sure which is better, I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side... all in all social anxiety just messes things up all around.

Story of my life.

 

[Annabreher]

I suffer from this...and I know I come across as a total LOON! Or maybe incredibly insecure, which I am not. I know that I am a good person, and that I bring a lot to the table, HOWEVER my anxiety really overshadows it. Only with certain people does it get incredibly bad. For example, if someone tells me they will contact me later that night, I expect to hear from them. If I don't hear anything from the person my pulse quickens, my mouth dries up, and OH MY GOD ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not really, but in that moment I fear every inconceivable thing. Isn't it lovely?

-Anna

 

[eloquent_leo]

I suffer from this...and I know I come across as a total LOON! Or maybe incredibly insecure, which I am not. I know that I am a good person, and that I bring a lot to the table, HOWEVER my anxiety really overshadows it. Only with certain people does it get incredibly bad. For example, if someone tells me they will contact me later that night, I expect to hear from them. If I don't hear anything from the person my pulse quickens, my mouth dries up, and OH MY GOD ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not really, but in that moment I fear every inconceivable thing. Isn't it lovely?

-Anna

I can relate to this. It's more of concern for me. My mind will start racing with random thoughts "Are they okay? Did they get in an accident? Maybe they had to work over time. Maybe they lost their phone =o. Maybe you should stop thinking about maybe's and stop worrying about it already. etc. etc.!! My mind won't shut up!! That's the part that drives me insane.

 

[This]

How have relationships or pursuit of relationships been affected by social anxiety.

Well, it has made things very difficult. As a guy you are expected to initiate obviously this can be quite problematic if you are effected by social anxiety, as often times I will just say nothing. Which has at times worked to my advantage by coming off as the "strong silent type" but usually it's a negative.

How does this affect your approach to dating and meeting people.

It just makes everything take a lot longer, I have to be comfortable around someone before I can begin to talk to them from my actual self if that makes sense.

Apart from learning that "you should be more confident" , how have you learned to manage your anxiety.

Well this may sound really weird, but I have a sort of auto-pilot in social situations where I will become very assertive and ENTJish. I use it all the time in matter of business and things such as that. It's as if I'm saying the words but I myself am disassociated from them. my words and actions are coming out of me by "I" am not in them. Really hard to explain I guess. I'm pretty sure my body language changes as well. Whatever it is it does seem to work very effectively.

Where and how do you meet people who understand your anxiety.

Basically, I don't let on too much about it unless it's with someone I'm close to or if I'm on the internet because for some reason things are easier on the internet.