Relationship Dilemma | INFJ Forum

Relationship Dilemma

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by festivus, May 31, 2009.

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  1. festivus

    festivus Newbie

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    Hello all, this is my first post and I have a bit of a problem weighing on my heart. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly one and a half years but I would say I have seen a drastic change in him during the last six months. When I first met him, he was the outgoing one which was good to balance out my introversion. Now it seems we have switched places. The strange part is he is still just as loud and vivacious with his friends but quiet and in his head around me. About a year ago, he lost his job as a computer programmer and I think he has been depressed ever since (although he would never admit to it). He had severe insomnia for nearly 3 months and now his sleep schedule is from 5am to 3pm. He also finds it hard to be affectionate so I have to initiate just about everything. I just feel like he is in some sort of emotional black hole, and he doesn't want to expose me to it. At the same time I really do wish he would let me in. Perhaps I am being too inquisitive... every time I ask, he says he'll tell me when he's ready. I am just at a loss as to what to do. I crave emotional intimacy with him, and at the beginning of our relationship, I thought we had it. Now I feel like he's detached himself from his emotions as some sort of defense mechanism. I guess I am just looking for a way to reach out to him and hopefully understand how he is feeling. I just don't know how long I can go without his emotional feedback. Any suggestions would be of great help.
     
  2. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    It sounds like he has depression. I wonder that, because his change in personality, sleeping pattern, intimacy have lasted for 6 months.



    Don't fight with him about any of it. If you start to feel miserable, you should talk to someone about what is going on with him and you. I'd try to encourage him to see a doctor or to talk to a counselor or something.
     
    #2 acd, May 31, 2009
    Last edited: May 31, 2009
  3. alcyone

    Donor

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    Yeah, I agree with ACD.

    This is a gradual personality change. Ideally he should go and get some conselling.

    Just to throw this out there....could this be his way of trying to end the relationship? I mean, don't want to mention the nasty but this also sounds like a passive aggressive attempt to make you walk away.
     
  4. Dutch Cake

    Dutch Cake Community Member

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    I would go talk to someone about this. If his mood is affecting you so much it isn't fair to you to not have a good outlet. I hope this gets resolved. Maybe suggest couples counseling.
     
  5. OP
    festivus

    festivus Newbie

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    Thanks for everyone's replies--- much appreciated. I've suggested he go to a doctor but he's very much against it (I guess due to bad experiences in the past). All things considered, I am not sure what else to do
     
  6. tea&buiscits

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    my advice would be to back off for a bit,give him some space.but also let him know that u are there for him when he is ready to open up.i know this would be hard to do though!:m032:
     
  7. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    This is a very tricky situation. What you've described is exactly what I went through - an emotional shutdown. He should definitely be talking to a compassionate counselor but it's the last thing in the world he wants to do. It's a real rock/hard place.
    My husband finally put his foot down with me, took charge and made me see a doc. It was the right thing to do and the beginning of my cure. In the state I was in though I never would have made the choice to see the doctor on my own.
    I'm sorry you're both going through this.
     
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  8. squashballer

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    personally, it is a personal decision between just going ahead and letting things be or pushing once more to get him to show some improve or progress, if he doesn't react, i say cut him off.

    You are together to grow, he is basically blocking himself, you and both of you from progressing further. You are losing out on opportunities.
     
  9. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I want to be gentle when I say this, but there is not an easy way to say it...

    I see this as a bit of a red flag; it might be, that he has something that he wants in some ways to tell you about, but is afraid to...

    I sense that this is more than just depression, but more like some form of deep worry that he is experiencing. What does he do from 3pm to 5am?

    Maybe it's time to really have a good talk, and to help him open up, reassure him that you'll not get too outwardly upset. He needs to know that you'll be ok if he has bad news to tell you. It could be anything I know, and it might be something that is in fact, minor to you but he is worrying you'll take it otherwise. Or it could be as simple as him having a change of heart about some plan you had both decided on, long ago...

    Anyways, I hope things work out for you, I wish you all the best of luck. I'm truly interested in you guy' happiness, and I hope if you're able to, that you will get back to us here on this thread to let us know if you're doing ok.
     
    #9 Ria, Dec 11, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2009
  10. Roger

    Roger ...

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    I think he lost emotional intimacy because of that severe insomnia. It had forced him to change his life. You should tell him that he needed to consult a doctor or therapist who can help him. I think, he can take medicines. He is trying to come out from depression. Try to talk to him about this. Tell him, that you are serious about your relationship with him. I am sure he will try to understand and then situation will able to handle.
     
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