Questions about asking someone out. | INFJ Forum

Questions about asking someone out.

Eventhorizon

Eventhorizon

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Do you find the direct approach is more to your liking?

Would you rather have lead up? Spend time together with other people first, then alone as friends…

Are you more interested in someone who seems a little shy and off balance when asking you out compared to someone who is direct?


This is a topic of conversation. IN my life I went from being what would be considered shy when a kid (looking back though I know why) to someone who is direct. Once you realize theres not just one person in the world for everyone, that we amount to fish in the barrel, I think that holding out with the idea there is a “perfect” match for you is a little unrealistic. That’s not to say that love isnt possible but it is to say that I think people build up stories in their head about someone, how great they are etc.. without ever getting to know them. Then when that person doesn’t meet the fantasy person they built in their heads they feel disappointed and betrayed.

An example of this might be a favorite actor \ actress where all we know of them really is the character they play in the movies. We think that character is part of who they are when it may be no part of who they are.

Anyway thought it might be an interesting discussion.
 
I think everyone is different. You couldn't possibly know what every person wants, so you need to decide what YOU want in a person.

Then you need to imagine, if I was actually to meet this ideal person, how would the interaction go? Would they bump into me and ask me out for coffee? Would I decide I wanted to ask them out for dinner after we had a lengthy conversations about a shared interest or an activity we were involved in together by chance?

And once you can really imagine how you would like that to go, you have your answer. Maybe you aren't going to be the asker - maybe in your ideal scenario, you would be the one who was asked out by another. :)
 
So would you say in your understanding when attempting to figure out what another person is interested in, the same rules apply?
 
I know you were saying you're critical of the whole "soul mate" idea, but I don't think that's a reason to stop looking for exactly what you want. :) maybe there's not just ONE person in the universe who can be exactly what you need them to be, maybe there are thousands...but that's where timing and location plays a role! :)
 
I think if you also want this person to have certain interests you can share with them, you should spend a lot of time around your interests and activities you enjoy. That way, you might run into this person with the personality you want who also happens to like the same things as you :)
 
Do you find the direct approach is more to your liking?

Whichever way the person can be the most confident and cool with is the best way.

Would you rather have lead up? Spend time together with other people first, then alone as friends…

If you have to rely on having neutral people around as a sort of social lubrication foreplay, that is a turn off. If I can't smell fear, it doesn't matter either way.

Are you more interested in someone who seems a little shy and off balance when asking you out compared to someone who is direct?

It wouldn't matter to me really. As long as they weren't acting in a contrived manner it would be fine.


This stuff doesn't seem all that important.
 
rachelbaker99 said:
I know you were saying you're critical of the whole "soul mate" idea, but I don't think that's a reason to stop looking for exactly what you want. :) maybe there's not just ONE person in the universe who can be exactly what you need them to be, maybe there are thousands...but that's where timing and location plays a role! :)
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You could be right. However I think there is a reason marriages end and people grow apart. Part of it has to do with the build up of fantasy (we see what we want regardless of reality). Part of it has to due with the nature of the natural world. From a males perspective, the more mates it has, the more opportunity at offspring. The more offspring the more chance genes will be passed on.

I would like to believe in some greater influence that brings people together. I am a realist though and there doesn't seem to be much evidence to support such a notion though.

Anyway, the thread was more about preferences to being asked out! :)
 
niffer said:
Do you find the direct approach is more to your liking?

Whichever way the person can be the most confident and cool with is the best way.

Would you rather have lead up? Spend time together with other people first, then alone as friends…

If you have to rely on having neutral people around as a sort of social lubrication foreplay, that is a turn off. If I can't smell fear, it doesn't matter either way.

Are you more interested in someone who seems a little shy and off balance when asking you out compared to someone who is direct?

It wouldn't matter to me really. As long as they weren't acting in a contrived manner it would be fine.


This stuff doesn't seem all that important.
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It sounds like there is a good amount of instinct and feeling for you then.

I few topics back someone mentioned that they stop talking around someone the like. Assuming a person is after a relationship based on more than physical appearance, not talking doesnt seem like a good approach.
 
I don't really care how someone asks me out. I am a pretty open person when it comes to people expressing their interest in me. What's important is how they take my rejection.

In terms of how I approach, I am direct. If I feel there's mutual chemistry/interest/attraction I pretty much put it out there that I'm interested. I don't like to waste time pussy footing around it.

I get annoyed when people start getting shy with their feelings or just try to wiggle around it. I know what they're doing and purposely ignore it.
 
I prefer to get to know someone a little first to gauge how well our personalities mesh and if we'd be interested in getting to know each other after that - at which point I'd ask her out.

It takes me a while to open up completely to most people, but there are those who bring me out right away and I tend to swoon over them for making me feel so authentic and comfortable. I suppose those types would be the "perfect match" you mentioned in your OP; not perfect in a sense that everything clicks just right, but more that things come naturally.
 
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I'm weird about it. I get to know the girl better first. I don't want to ask a girl out then regret it. I might spend entirely too much time in the getting to know stage. But that's the thing. I've met girls who need years before they are ready for a relationship and I've met girls who only need weeks. I'm in between and would ask her out in a few months. But when I feel ready to ask her out I'm very straightforward. I want my interest to be clear so I don't hold back. I've been successful and I've failed. Sometimes your one true love of the moment isn't in the right place in her life for any kind of relationship. My advice is not to push in this situation and to just completely move on.
 
It depends.

I like the direct approach to start things off, as I'm terrible at getting to know someone or letting someone know me. So I like it when someone wants to get to know me, and makes the move to ask me out on a date. However, if we're friends and hanging out in a group a lot, I do like the quiet slow approach, as it lets me open up more and get to know someone well. I tend to be a bit skiddish, and can easily shut down if people are too pushy.

...god i'm difficult...no wonder I'm still single!
 
Hmmmm...ok it makes sense but there arent always opportunities for the slow approach.

Someone you meet while traveling, someone you meet while on an errand that you will have little opportunity to hang out with if at all in the future.

Assuming you are being asked out before you really know anything about the other person, direct or indirect?
 
Eventhorizon said:
Hmmmm...ok it makes sense but there arent always opportunities for the slow approach.

Someone you meet while traveling, someone you meet while on an errand that you will have little opportunity to hang out with if at all in the future.

Assuming you are being asked out before you really know anything about the other person, direct or indirect?
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If it's sporadic like this, I'd prefer direct. Can't say the above scenario has ever happened to me before though. I feel like those situations are more based on mutual physical attraction and impulses. How the heck do you ask someone out while on an errand anyways? I'd be too focused on the task to care.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Hmmmm...ok it makes sense but there arent always opportunities for the slow approach.

Someone you meet while traveling, someone you meet while on an errand that you will have little opportunity to hang out with if at all in the future.

Assuming you are being asked out before you really know anything about the other person, direct or indirect?
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If it's someone that I met in passing, i would appreciate the direct approach!
 
Eventhorizon said:
You could be right. However I think there is a reason marriages end and people grow apart. Part of it has to do with the build up of fantasy (we see what we want regardless of reality). Part of it has to due with the nature of the natural world. From a males perspective, the more mates it has, the more opportunity at offspring. The more offspring the more chance genes will be passed on.

I would like to believe in some greater influence that brings people together. I am a realist though and there doesn't seem to be much evidence to support such a notion though.

Anyway, the thread was more about preferences to being asked out! :)
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That's true, sometimes marriages do grow apart. But I would rather enter a relationship with the open expectation that it will be everything I want it to be, and then later if it doesn't work out, that's okay. You can't control what the other person does, only what you do. And I guess what you said about males...I think their instinct to reproduce really slows down later in life and when they are able to be more focused, maybe they can find some kind of home with the other person and not worry about what they're missing. It's interesting to wonder. I guess maybe it's also different depending on the person and their life experiences.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Do you find the direct approach is more to your liking?

Would you rather have lead up? Spend time together with other people first, then alone as friends…
Click to expand...

It really depends on how well I know the person. If I haven't talked to them at all, I need some lead up in the form of friendly conversation. A few sentences at least, and some basic chemistry. When that is established, I start dropping obvious hints in case it's someone whom I see relatively often, and if they are not responding I give up. If they respond positively, I become direct.

If it's someone whom I like but see them rarely, I skip the part with hints and after some friendly conversation I go right to the being direct part, since there's a high risk of the person not getting the hint or misinterpreting it. I try to make it look casual and not aggressive though.

Depending on company of other people (mutual friends etc.) always ended up as a disaster for me, so I strongly prefer to leave other people out of it.


Eventhorizon said:
Are you more interested in someone who seems a little shy and off balance when asking you out compared to someone who is direct?
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I like it when the person is direct, since when someone seems shy and off balance in my presence when other mutual acquaintances are around, sometimes it turns out that they are not shy at all, they are just trying to hide something (e.g. something like being married). I may be overly subjective, but I find it somewhat shady when someone is obviously interested but doesn't want to be direct.
 
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Eventhorizon said:
Do you find the direct approach is more to your liking?
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Yeah, you'd think an honest, direct but sensitively asked approach would be the most uncomplicated way to go.

I've known someone who did this, and they are still dating for 7 years. Certainly, I've always thought a straight out asking would work for me, but for some reason, guys I've known always try to lean in for the kiss (which I mostly foresee coming), without even the slightest attempt to breach this question.

I'm starting to recognise this pattern, even though is just confuses me more, so I'm just left to ponder and observe signs of attraction on the rare chances they do appear. T.T
 
I think I'd like to see a definite interest in "hanging out" maybe in groups...and if that goes well after we've had some good conversations, chemistry is flowing, then I'd want the direct approach (asking me out on a date). I hate wondering if someone likes me, so I'd want them to just say it (by asking me out) and end my suffering. None of that "Let's hang out" BS. Just make it clear please. I don't think most guys want to straight up do this though. I usually get guys that see me once and approach, which I dislike because 1, you don't know the first thing about me, and 2, I feel like they just want me because I'm pretty, which is FINE, but see number 1...And then there are the guys that intentionally friend zone themselves and then start getting all weird after a year and start doing "romantic" type things...sorry, but I thought we were friends. You should have asked me out a LONG time ago, because now I feel like you befriended me under false pretenses.
 
I think the responses in this thread have been pretty interesting, and do lean towards a bit more directness than a building up of things.

When I decide that I want to ask someone out on a date, I consider the timing to be a critical thing, but only in the last few years have I understood why this is the case. People are so obsessed with not leaving their social standing ambiguous - I know that I genuinely dislike not knowing whether I'm dating or fwb or whatever with somebody for example. Someone has to take charge of the ambiguity, although they obviously can't set the answer on their own. It is pro-social, polite, and considerate to give someone the opportunity to put forward what they see as the proper relationship between you two - and it doesn't even have to be as intimidating and direct as something like "what are we" or w/e. Am I making sense?
 
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