Question for the guys, about dating girls with body image issues?
- Thread starter MoniqueS
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How severe are these issues? Are they accentuated by anorexia or anything? Or it is just the issues alone?
It is definitely not a deal breaker, but it might make things difficult if she does have an eating disorder and other problems. Obviously, I would want to help as much as possible, but sometimes these things aren't easy to address. Anything you say as a boyfriend about her, even a compliment, might make her feel worse (because all focus on herself would make her feel worse).
It is definitely not a deal breaker, but it might make things difficult if she does have an eating disorder and other problems. Obviously, I would want to help as much as possible, but sometimes these things aren't easy to address. Anything you say as a boyfriend about her, even a compliment, might make her feel worse (because all focus on herself would make her feel worse).
It's not a deal-breaker, but if I do my best to help her - she has to want to resolve the issues, I am unfortunately impatient about self-improvement - and nothing changes after a while (deadline is relative to effort and depth of issues, of course) then I will leave/relax communications.
I'd like to say I'm more virtuous than just being willing to accept a problem and trying to terminate it in the healthiest way possible, like not offering advice/"you should do (x) to help yourself"/pointing out awesome qualities in a person to make them get out of negative mindframe every time the issue is brought up (creates a lot of pressure on the person to change, or a feeling of inadequacy), but I am not. Patience runs thin after a while and I distance myself.
Edit: Forgot to say this: looks aren't important to me in the slightest, I just want the girl to love herself; if she does in spite of the self-esteem problems then I stay and am as best a guardian, helping hand, and friend I can be. (Words are still coming out badly and not saying what I want them to) I just can't "save" someone who refuses to see some silver linings in the black clouds.
I'd like to say I'm more virtuous than just being willing to accept a problem and trying to terminate it in the healthiest way possible, like not offering advice/"you should do (x) to help yourself"/pointing out awesome qualities in a person to make them get out of negative mindframe every time the issue is brought up (creates a lot of pressure on the person to change, or a feeling of inadequacy), but I am not. Patience runs thin after a while and I distance myself.
Edit: Forgot to say this: looks aren't important to me in the slightest, I just want the girl to love herself; if she does in spite of the self-esteem problems then I stay and am as best a guardian, helping hand, and friend I can be. (Words are still coming out badly and not saying what I want them to) I just can't "save" someone who refuses to see some silver linings in the black clouds.
I guess just the issues alone. Hypothetically ,she might have struggled with an eating disorder in the past but doesn't have one when she is dating you. But she still has body-image issues. I ask because in my situation, I have struggled with binge eating, and it isn't as out of control as it was, but I do have these body-image issues and I could see how negatively it might impact a relationship. I could understand why some might avoid types like these.
In this situation, I'd gently nudge you into seeing yourself as I see you (beautiful and genuinely deserving of love, i.e) to hopefully shift perception away from the bad and towards the good. If this approach doesn't work, I analyze your reasons for resisting positive encouragement and try something else. Even if it only works a little then it is a success and I will try harder to help you. (My initial response came out badly: I am very patient and encouraging until I run out of options and don't know what to do, or help her do to help herself)
Well, I am a loser who has never had a real relationship, but for what it is worth, I would be willing to work with a girl who was having body image issues. Negative thoughts are not necessarily damaging to relationships and might even be an impetus to them, but overly positive thoughts (especially when they become narcissistic) are damaging. In other words, you can still be a fully loving person even if you do not like how you look or do not like yourself in general, but if you think you are the best looking person out there (and let them know it), then you will be hard to deal with. I guess the person might find those kinds of feelings very draining and hard to deal with depending on their personality, and this might be more representative of males in general as opposed to the perspective of the rare male INFJ. In that case, I would say that the girl in question should try to minimize the amount that their partner has to deal with the emotions and ask for understanding while working on them with someone else.
Guys in general would probably want to be supportive of their girlfriends and reassure them, but it is not that easy, especially from the guy's perspective. Most guys are largely oblivious to the kinds of pressures women face in regard to their looks. Simply: they wont know what to do for you.
Well ANY "issue" is an annoyance. It's not relevant to my decision about whether or not I like the person or whether to be with the person. I feel that ANY "issue" is annoying to deal with, but the blame is never placed on the person for having it.
- Jun 11, 2011
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i think the average person struggles with his body-image in so far as he compares his body with current beauty ideals, with the possible consequences of low-self esteem.
but this is dangerous and can lead to eating disorders/ excessive sport/ training combined with taking drugs or being destructive to his own body.
its dangerous to be hyper-critical to oneself. Idealists tend be perfectionists. But it's better to be realistic and just a bit idealistic (you can't change yourselves, you can improve yourself)
As far as i am concerned, i had a very bad body image in puberty (I was skinny). In my twenties, I started with training (natural body building), which helped me to improve my shape, now I'm slim, which is better than skinny.
Sometimes, I'm still struggling accepting how i am (which seems to be normal), i am better at it now, because i feel better in myself and I know there are people who like me and feel attracted to me (although I'm not completely satisfied yet)
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- Jun 11, 2011
- 49
- 4
- 0
- MBTI
- INFJ(KTS-II)
- Enneagram
- irrelevant
i don't like if you say this about yourself. maybe it's not your fault, maybe it's society's fault or maybe it's nobody's fault - it's destiny. don't make yourself down. i think you have beautiful soul.
i mean, i too had never a relationship to a woman, but do i consider myself a loser? no! I have a great relationship to a man which is gay (while i am straight, we are soulmates which is one of the strongest bonds), advantage: i am emotionally independent of women.
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- Jun 11, 2011
- 49
- 4
- 0
- MBTI
- INFJ(KTS-II)
- Enneagram
- irrelevant
thought about this: it's not quite true. to a certain degree i am emotional independent from women, but the yearn for romance remains.
that's the point where i think it's important as a man to be able to approach women in real life in a way that they are not "alienated", therefore pick up theory / community does exist to e.g. reduce one's approach anxiety and i can confirm its effectiveness because i do use it by myself and can see progress.
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