do you feel you have protective instincts towards family, partners, friends, community, etc.? Do you think your protective instincts are natural or were they guided by how you were raised or not raised? How do you see your protective instincts play out in your everyday life? How do you think it can help or hurt a relationship?
I definitely have protective instincts. I don't have them toward my community in general, in that I don't immediately think in the collective, but I do feel a connection to others and when I physically see someone struggling or being treated unfairly, I'm usually the first to stand up and say something. But as far as cutting out a slice of my life to dedicate to the community via volunteering or getting involved because I feel like there's something that needs my involvement, that's not me at this time. It used to be when I was still in school (high school especially, I volunteered
a lot) but I honestly don't feel that pull anymore. Maybe I'm acting out most of my instincts here, on the forums, when I stop on by and I see a complete stranger/acquaintance having a bad time of it and I can give them some kind of comfort or at least put a smile on their face. But I don't actually pay attention to it.
As for my friends and family, I'm a bit of a lioness in that respect. I kind of get over-involved and step in. When someone's grieving or having a hard time due to illness, I take some serious charge. I'm not exactly a shy person, but I'm never more confident than when I'm doing something on someone's behalf. Bitching out a phone company for talking my mom into agreeing to a sneaky contract. Accompanying a friend to the hospital for a consultation she's worried about. Talking a friend's girlfriend down off a ledge because she's being absolutely fucking unreasonable. I usually don't step in unless I'm asked, but sometimes, I'm rather impatient to be let off my choke chain when I see something that I
know is not right.
I think my protective instincts came from my family. My parents, though dysfunctional as fuck to one another, always had a united front when it came to protecting the kids and helping out in the community. My dad, especially, was a papa bear. He's always been pushed into positions of authority, and almost never by design or ambition. He's always had teeth and when he talks, people listen. Since I can remember, he's always been sensitive to injustices against the people he deals with and he never stayed quiet about it (sometimes to his own detriment; he's made a lot of enemies that way).
I'm completely my father's daughter... though my edges are considerably less rougher and I lack his intensity. Meanwhile, my brother... well, he literally does not give a shit about anyone or anything unless it's the family that's in obvious trouble or when someone asks him. He's not in the habit of scanning the environment and looking for the chance to play the hero. It's not that he's selfish, it's just that he's literally oblivious to most things. He's an incredibly intelligent guy and a brilliant strategist, but when it comes to relationships or social situations, you have to point things out to him... or explain them. Everyone else in the room can be having the most intense, non-verbal conversation and his default answer will be 'Really? I never noticed."
I think to have protective instincts you need to have shades and colors of being a nurturer to begin with and being attentive to others. It requires having a certain level of emotional sensitivity and imagination that allows you to put yourself in other people's shoes. Or, at the very least, feel strongly enough about your social ideals that you'd be willing to stand up for them when you see them violated. If you don't have that, you don't really have a reason to be protective (of others).
In fact, it's been my personal experience that the most timid, sensitive of people who would never actually stand up for themselves turn out to have the biggest teeth and claws if you threaten people or ideals that are important to them.
Can protective instincts harm relationships? Yes, they definitely can. There is such a thing as being over-protective (my father *cough*) where you literally put a muzzle on the other person and prevent them from developing a healthy sense of independence. Or, in the romantic context, protectiveness can also leak into jealousy and control issues. I think a balance is needed, when you are able to recognize when a person needs your help and when they can handle things themselves. The key is let them know you're close by if you need them without holding their hand the whole time.
