[INFJ] post first date situation

BlackHorse

BlackHorse

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Hey guys, me again, with another ''love'' story. :flushed:
Anyways, I met this guy online. We met irl after a few weeks of talking on messenger. Date went pretty good, he seemed interested and was truly engaged in conversation. He wrote me an hour after we went home and we said we would meet again. I was really scared since he's the first guy I like thats 6 or so years older.

Well, then he started to become more and more distant (at least I felt that way). Replied 1-2x per day (with nice, long texts tho but still...). I asked him if he wants to go out again, he replies after 24 hours that he already has plans and has to work after. Again, he replied like everything is fine.. with emojies and shit.
I've never experienced anything like that, it was basically my first date ever so I have no idea what to reply, what to think... Sometimes I hate being such a huge ass overthinker.

Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day!
 
@BlackHorse, Hmmm. I'd move on and keep dating other people. If he wants to meet up in the future you could go out with him, have fun, but pay attention to clues and outline what you're willing to put up with ahead of time.

It seems like he is dating someone else, too. I could be wrong, but that was the impress I got. He is older, so I'm really, really hoping you're not the side chick. :( Maybe he is just playing the field, though, and you're one of many people he is dating. My reason for suspecting this was because he didn't tell you what he was up to that weekend, just "I have plans", and since you share long texts, it seems like he'd share a bit of information about events in his life. If he is sharing more detail than you mentioned in your post, it is possible he's just a busy guy.
I'm not saying this is what is going on, but it is a possibility.
 
@Asa Yeah, he usually shares what he's doing, this time he didn't. You're probably right, I though about this as well but i guess I didn't wanna belive it. I should move on...
Also if he asks me out again, I will tell him I don't wanna be an option and he should find someone else for that.
 
BlackHorse said:
@Asa Yeah, he usually shares what he's doing, this time he didn't. You're probably right, I though about this as well but i guess I didn't wanna belive it. I should move on...
Also if he asks me out again, I will tell him I don't wanna be an option and he should find someone else for that.
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I agree that you should have your boundaries and needs outlined and you shouldn't put up with anything you don't want. It is possible you are not an 'option' to him, and I'm reading too much into this, which is why I suggested going out with him again if he asks, but paying attention to clues.

Even if you are not an option, do you want a guy who takes such a long time to ask you on a second date, or keeps you guessing about when that date will be? Many women are fine with that, and many women are not. If you are fine with it, carry on. If you ultimately want someone who is going to be more present in your life and is actively interested in penning (not penciling) you into his schedule, this may not be the guy for you. That's up to you, and either option is valid. It's also valid to be OK with being one of many women he may be dating. It's up to you and what you want out of life. Just don't compromise on things you don't want to play into a possible relationship later on.
 
sorry, he's not that into you. vague references to other plans in a gentle brush off I'm afraid. or, as @Asa said, he's seeing someone else. . either way I'd walk away from this situation
 
BlackHorse said:
@Asa Yep, I surely don't want that type of a guy. I guess now that you've said it, it makes sense. It's just hard to move on, because we never stopped talking since first day he wrote me .. so about month and a half ago. Well I guess it's time.
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Oh no! Yeah, move on. A month and a half is far too long to keep someone hanging. He's definitely keeping you as an option.
 
Text him and give him an "out". If you don't ask you'll never know .. but then I'm the sort that would rather know :)

I usually send a text along the lines "Hi so and so, just following up. I'm getting the feeling you're not as interested in pursuing things after our first date? That's perfectly OK - everyone is different, sometimes circumstances change, it's a fact of life. Rather than just letting things slide, which seems to be the norm nowadays, I just thought I'd ask instead?"

Depending on how connected I felt with them, it would differ, but basically the message is, life happens, things change, I'm a big enough person to handle the truth so give it to me!

Just to let you know as well, after being on the dating scene for more than a few years now .. that is never you that is the problem. There are so many people with hang ups and expectations, needs and values.

When those people let go thank your lucky stars that they did and then move on knowing that at least you did everything YOU could to "give love a chance" and the right one is out there somewhere :blush:
 
BlackHorse said:
Hey guys, me again, with another ''love'' story. :flushed:
Anyways, I met this guy online. We met irl after a few weeks of talking on messenger. Date went pretty good, he seemed interested and was truly engaged in conversation. He wrote me an hour after we went home and we said we would meet again. I was really scared since he's the first guy I like thats 6 or so years older.

Well, then he started to become more and more distant (at least I felt that way). Replied 1-2x per day (with nice, long texts tho but still...). I asked him if he wants to go out again, he replies after 24 hours that he already has plans and has to work after. Again, he replied like everything is fine.. with emojies and shit.
I've never experienced anything like that, it was basically my first date ever so I have no idea what to reply, what to think... Sometimes I hate being such a huge ass overthinker.

Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day!
Click to expand...

Move on while there's still time (i.e. you're not emotionally attached to him yet), I'm afraid he's not worth it.

You deserve better than those flaky-ass dudes, seriously. :-/
 
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Yeah I think @Asa pretty much has it.

His behaviour does indicate that he's treating you as an option: 1) keeping you warm, but 2) not actually investing very much in you.

My guess is that he's trying to engineer some kind of fwb/low-maintenance situation with you.
 
@JustPhil @Ren @Deleted member 16771 Okay guys, I took your advise and we haven't texted in almost a week. Before that I asked him what's his deal and he said he definitely isn't looking for someone just for fun, he just needs time to warm-up, that we only saw each other once and shouldn't complicate stuff so soon. But I've had enough of him texting me long paragraphs of small talk and never actually ask me out. Feels like I'm just entertainment. So after one of his long texts I replied with about 4 words.. soon after that the conversation died and he hasn't texted me ever since.
The problem is, I have a really hard time moving on. Still hoping he would write me and I really wanna write him, I feel bad for cutting him off so harshly...
 
I've had a few relationships that started like this @BlackHorse , where we were not moving at a similar pace. They wanted to go slower or I did (believe it or not (the stories I could tell!!)).

You've done all you can. You've asked and found out and then pursued again and if your gut tells you its "entertainment" then you just have to trust it.

There are plenty of people out there. You will like some of them, and they might not connect with you, or vice versa. In the end you are looking for that spot where it all comes together from both sides. Particularly if both of you are sensitive souls.

I have a problem moving on too. It does get better with time though. I also figure if I have given it every chance, then I don't feel it's me at fault, and at that point its "just not meant to be"
 
BlackHorse said:
The problem is, I have a really hard time moving on. Still hoping he would write me and I really wanna write him, I feel bad for cutting him off so harshly...
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Cutting him off so harshly? He's the one who cut himself off and made you feel confused in the process.

It's been almost a week, you say. BlackHorse, you feel like this is a long time because your conception of time is being warped by your feelings. When the feelings go away (and they will go away sooner than you think) you'll realise you don't really care that much, and he's just a waste of time.

You deserve better.
 
In most cases if you have to ask, then you have the answer.
This is super common with online dating as well. Even if things went great on a first date some people are just looking to date around and probably get intimate as fast as possible. Instant gratification and all that. If he's sending you a bunch of emojis and shit but isn't actually communicating regularly then chances are he's trying to keep you in his back pocket while he tests out other dates.

If it were me in that situation I would not even bother writing him again.

If someone is interested in you, you won't have to guess. At least if they're mature about it anyway.
 
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