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Philosophical Jokes

Discussion in 'Philosophy and Religion' started by Barnabas, Mar 21, 2010.

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  1. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    I recently got to flip through a book called, "Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar" I thought I might share a bit of the content which is focused around Jokes and and the philosophy found in them.



    It's basicly one of the best Philosophy for begginers books ever made.

    Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
    Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it's about to land in the center, it hovers above the surface. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips it onto the green.
    The bearded man's drive hits a fence and bounces out onto the street, where it caroms off an oncoming truck and back onto the fairway. It's headed directly for the pond, but it lands on a lily pad, where a frog sees it and snatches it into his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog, and flies away. As the eagle and frog pass over the green, the frog drops the ball, and it lands in the cup for a hole-in-one.
    Moses turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your dad.”




    When Thompson hit 70, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam and he took sunbaths. In just three months' time, Thompson lost 30 pounds and reduced his waist by six inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it off with a new haircut. Stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
    As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?"

    And a voice from the heavens responded: "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."




    “Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. 'Watson,' he says, 'look up in the sky and tell me what you see.' 'I see millions of stars, Holmes,' says Watson. 'And what do you conclude from that, Watson?' Watson thinks for a moment. 'Well,' he says, 'astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?' 'Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!'”


    (I felt like messing with the text[it was fun])
     
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  2. Futurus

    Futurus Newbie

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    :heh:

    edit-- And to contribute to the topic at hand. . .

    [​IMG]
     
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  3. OP
    Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    ah this made me do a good lol.

    now for a joke about existentialism

    two cows are eating from a truagh in their barn. One cow looks tothe other and says "polls say taht mad cow disease is on te rise again, do you think we sould eat from this traugh?"

    The second cow replies "what do I care, I'm a helicopter"
     
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  4. NeverAmI

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  5. Gaze

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    LOL good one
     
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  6. Gaze

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    Why No One Ever Wants To

    Play Golf With A Philosopher

    Have you ever wondered why no one wants to join you, a philosopher, for a round of golf? The fact of the matter is that, on the golf course, philosophers are a truly tedious lot--always have been!!
    No one ever wanted to play with Kant since he was such a stickler about following the rules. He claimed that it was Imperative to do so. Kropotkin, on the other hand, never adhered to any rule. Stories abound about how he teed off from the seventh green, taking aim toward the fourteenth hole. Most golfers considered Kropotkin positively dangerous.
    Hearing Thales lament about his lastest round was tiresome. One would think that every hole was nothing but water. Admittedly, Hegel had a more positive frame of mind, but that was no better. He kept claiming that everybody�s game was constantly improving, approaching an Absolute Ideal. Marx got so tired of hearing this that he turned Hegel on his head.
    Sartre was positively annoying . He would pontificate about how a person is only a bad golfer because that is what he chooses to be. That never sat well with anyone who had just finished a bad round. Berkeley was a bit more subtle, but just as damning. He would claim that the game was entirely mental. That sent Malebranch into despair. He felt that it would take an act of God for your mind to be able to control your body. d�Holbach, on the other hand, would attribute his bad rounds on the pre-existing conditions in the universe; he swore that there was nothing one could do to change the outcome.
    Philosophers have also managed to take the fun out of any tournament. Hume was skeptical about any reported score. He wanted proof, but would never accept any of the presented evidence as sufficient. Diogenes was just as Cynical, claiming that he had scoured the world looking for an honest golfer. Meanwhile Paley would go around showing everybody this watch he found.
    One had to wait endlessly in the clubhouse for Zeno to get started; it seemed like he could never reach the first hole. Abelard was the only one who didn't seem to mind; he was content to sit in the bar and moon over Heloise.
    Strangely, though, the philosopher everyone hated the most was Plato. It is not that he ever did anything wrong. In fact, he had perfect Form. People just couldn�t stand the fact that he never shot anything but Par.

    http://consc.net/misc/golf.html
     
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  7. OP
    Barnabas

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    That was brilliant, it was actually so funny that I forgot to laugh, literaly i'm not joking.
     
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  8. Wyote

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  9. Gaze

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    Schrodinger's cat . . . heh
     
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  10. Futurus

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    Oh, how I love the jokes poking fun at Zeno. They never get old, no matter how similar.

    As for my contribution:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Epicurus: For fun.
    Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
    Zeno: To prove it could never reach the other side. :)pound:)

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  11. Stu

    Stu Constipated
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    Apostelytizer: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
    [looks at Restraint, who's wearing the same hat]
    Apostelytizer: Oh, it looks good on you though.
     
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  12. Gaze

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    ROFLMAO!
     
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