Perceptions of "unattractive" people

[Gaze]

Here's an article I can strongly relate to in that people often engage in these behaviors are not aware of how offensive they are. Now, I don't agree with the use of the word "ugly" in the article as this is subjective. I think a better term is "unattractive" depending on how who is looking. However, the real concern is the perception some have that they can treat someone poorly, ignore them, or treat them as less deserving of basic respect if they don't find them attractive. Now, I also don't think people should walk around feeling sorry for themselves because they not getting the attention they would like, but I think people should recognize that everyone is still worthy of being treated well, regardless of our feelings about their attractiveness.

Anyway, do you relate to any of these points in the article?

Women Who Aren't Considered Conventionally "Attractive" Are Sharing The Annoying Things They Have To Put Up With, And It's Unacceptable

Fri, December 3, 2021, 12:46 AM


It's true that the concept of beauty is SUPER subjective, but it's also true that women are held to impossible standards and often treated much, much worse if they don't fit into the societal mold of what's considered "attractive."

Showtime

Don't believe me? Reddit user u/BaymaxTheBot asked women to share the "lesser known problems of being an 'ugly' or 'unattractive' woman," and the responses came flooding in. Here are just a few that prove society needs to do better:
1."Being invisible next to your friends. They're all having fun, and you just sit there with no one talking to you."
- ADVERTISEMENT -
—u/khajiitidanceparty

"It’s not the fact that we want men to pay attention to us, that isn’t it. It’s that we're invisible when our more conventionally attractive friends are around. I can’t tell you how many times my hot friends and I have been out somewhere, and I end up just wandering away because it feels SO awkward that these men are, like, so afraid that I’ll take even a friendly introduction as, 'I’m interested in this ugly girl.' They'll meet everyone else, say hi, talk to them, etc., and just pretend I’m not standing there. Bro, I’m not trying to get into your pants, but it’s fucking weird when you pretend I’m a house plant."

—u/fuck_you__shoresy

2."People thinking that you don't have the right to like yourself or thinking that your confidence is 'brave.' Ugly isn't cancer."
—u/GettingThere1212

3."Less job opportunities. Attractiveness plays a part in getting hired."
—u/marymoon77

"It’s also a lot harder in the office. Women have a hard enough time rising to higher ranks or being taken seriously, but it’s very annoying when the pretty women are taken more seriously. Heck, the same is true for men. Good looks win jobs."

—u/Nancy2421

Skynesher / Getty Images
4."The intense anxiety that arises during family events when it’s photo time. My cousins are all very beautiful and love posting to Instagram and all that. My family is big on photos. I’m the only one who isn’t photogenic at all. I have a lazy eye and my face is just generally asymmetrical."
"Also, losing contact with a lot of old friends because I don’t have Instagram, Facebook, or anything like that. If I was more attractive, I’d feel more comfortable posting photos of myself online and I'd be able to have an Instagram."

—u/angel_aight

5."I've been overweight. During that time, most men assumed that I was going to be an easy lay and that I was a promiscuous woman because of the stereotype that 'fat women have no self-esteem and seek validation with sex.'"
—u/_Lilith_89

6."That no matter how often your significant other tells you you’re beautiful, you constantly compare yourself to more attractive women and feel like you’ll never be enough."
—u/Warai-Kitten

Maskot / Getty Images/Maskot
7."Unsolicited weight loss/health advice (that's often wrong and does not consider my health at all)."
—u/loalenatrice

8."Unsolicited advice on how to be attractive to men. I bought purple lipstick one day just for fun, and a male friend told me, 'You know, men really don’t like weird lipstick colors on women.'"
—u/TwiceUponADecember

9."A slim girl at the airport in a messy bun, yoga pants, sweater, and slippers is cute and busy — a woman on the go! A larger woman in the same get-up is…lazy. Doesn’t care about her appearance. No self respect. No time management, etc."
—u/deadpantrashcan

Yacobchuk / Getty Images/iStockphoto
10."Empathy and sympathy. People want to comfort you when you're the cute, pretty crier, so they can protect you. I rarely see ugly people being the face of depression or mental illness on social media."
—u/PikaBooSquirrel

11."People being rude to you, especially men. If they're not attracted to you, then you don't deserve respect nor decency."
—u/dontbesuspecious1

12."As a fat woman, not being able to go to 90% of my doctor's visits without my weight being brought up. I mean, that's fine in a check-up or physical, but if I go in because I have a sinus infection, I don't really feel the need to discuss how fat I am right at that moment, unless it's somehow going to clear up my sinus infection."
—u/Electronic-Cow7250

Tetra Images / Getty Images/Tetra images RF
13."When someone does genuinely find you attractive, you think it's a joke."
—u/taco_h0e

14."I've been used multiple times as a stepping stone to more attractive acquaintances or relatives. Men only speak to me to ask questions about their intended targets. I'm not even seen as a woman in my own right."
—u/Outcome_Stunning

15."That specific feeling when everyone gathers to take a group picture, and then they hand the phone to you to take it. Ouch."
—u/jupiterjazz87

Jacoblund / Getty Images/iStockphoto
16."That it automatically means I don't take care of myself, and that I don't care about how I look, what I eat, my health, and so on. People who don't take care of themselves are often seen as unattractive — even though they probably have mental health issues — which then compounds how 'ugly' you're perceived to be."
—u/Otherwise-Status-Err

17.And finally, "It impacts the way you allow yourself to feel pleasure. The way you feel about your body drastically impacts how good you allow yourself to feel through it. Whether it's dancing or sex, if you feel like your body being seen is shameful, it really hinders you from enjoying it fully."
—u/peachandpeony

Do you have any similar experiences to share?

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/unattractive-women-sharing-ways-theyre-054603569.html

 

[April]

Here's an article I can strongly relate to in that people often engage in these behaviors are not aware of how offensive they are. Now, I don't agree with the use of the word "ugly" in the article as this is subjective. I think a better term is "unattractive" depending on how who is looking. However, the real concern is the perception some have that they can treat someone poorly, ignore them, or treat them as less deserving of basic respect if they don't find them attractive. Now, I also don't think people should walk around feeling sorry for themselves because they not getting the attention they would like, but I think people should recognize that everyone is still worthy of being treated well, regardless of our feelings about their attractiveness.

Anyway, do you relate to any of these points in the article?

Women Who Aren't Considered Conventionally "Attractive" Are Sharing The Annoying Things They Have To Put Up With, And It's Unacceptable

Fri, December 3, 2021, 12:46 AM


It's true that the concept of beauty is SUPER subjective, but it's also true that women are held to impossible standards and often treated much, much worse if they don't fit into the societal mold of what's considered "attractive."

Showtime

Don't believe me? Reddit user u/BaymaxTheBot asked women to share the "lesser known problems of being an 'ugly' or 'unattractive' woman," and the responses came flooding in. Here are just a few that prove society needs to do better:
1."Being invisible next to your friends. They're all having fun, and you just sit there with no one talking to you."
- ADVERTISEMENT -
—u/khajiitidanceparty

"It’s not the fact that we want men to pay attention to us, that isn’t it. It’s that we're invisible when our more conventionally attractive friends are around. I can’t tell you how many times my hot friends and I have been out somewhere, and I end up just wandering away because it feels SO awkward that these men are, like, so afraid that I’ll take even a friendly introduction as, 'I’m interested in this ugly girl.' They'll meet everyone else, say hi, talk to them, etc., and just pretend I’m not standing there. Bro, I’m not trying to get into your pants, but it’s fucking weird when you pretend I’m a house plant."

—u/fuck_you__shoresy

2."People thinking that you don't have the right to like yourself or thinking that your confidence is 'brave.' Ugly isn't cancer."
—u/GettingThere1212

3."Less job opportunities. Attractiveness plays a part in getting hired."
—u/marymoon77

"It’s also a lot harder in the office. Women have a hard enough time rising to higher ranks or being taken seriously, but it’s very annoying when the pretty women are taken more seriously. Heck, the same is true for men. Good looks win jobs."

—u/Nancy2421

Skynesher / Getty Images
4."The intense anxiety that arises during family events when it’s photo time. My cousins are all very beautiful and love posting to Instagram and all that. My family is big on photos. I’m the only one who isn’t photogenic at all. I have a lazy eye and my face is just generally asymmetrical."
"Also, losing contact with a lot of old friends because I don’t have Instagram, Facebook, or anything like that. If I was more attractive, I’d feel more comfortable posting photos of myself online and I'd be able to have an Instagram."

—u/angel_aight

5."I've been overweight. During that time, most men assumed that I was going to be an easy lay and that I was a promiscuous woman because of the stereotype that 'fat women have no self-esteem and seek validation with sex.'"
—u/_Lilith_89

6."That no matter how often your significant other tells you you’re beautiful, you constantly compare yourself to more attractive women and feel like you’ll never be enough."
—u/Warai-Kitten

Maskot / Getty Images/Maskot
7."Unsolicited weight loss/health advice (that's often wrong and does not consider my health at all)."
—u/loalenatrice

8."Unsolicited advice on how to be attractive to men. I bought purple lipstick one day just for fun, and a male friend told me, 'You know, men really don’t like weird lipstick colors on women.'"
—u/TwiceUponADecember

9."A slim girl at the airport in a messy bun, yoga pants, sweater, and slippers is cute and busy — a woman on the go! A larger woman in the same get-up is…lazy. Doesn’t care about her appearance. No self respect. No time management, etc."
—u/deadpantrashcan

Yacobchuk / Getty Images/iStockphoto
10."Empathy and sympathy. People want to comfort you when you're the cute, pretty crier, so they can protect you. I rarely see ugly people being the face of depression or mental illness on social media."
—u/PikaBooSquirrel

11."People being rude to you, especially men. If they're not attracted to you, then you don't deserve respect nor decency."
—u/dontbesuspecious1

12."As a fat woman, not being able to go to 90% of my doctor's visits without my weight being brought up. I mean, that's fine in a check-up or physical, but if I go in because I have a sinus infection, I don't really feel the need to discuss how fat I am right at that moment, unless it's somehow going to clear up my sinus infection."
—u/Electronic-Cow7250

Tetra Images / Getty Images/Tetra images RF
13."When someone does genuinely find you attractive, you think it's a joke."
—u/taco_h0e

14."I've been used multiple times as a stepping stone to more attractive acquaintances or relatives. Men only speak to me to ask questions about their intended targets. I'm not even seen as a woman in my own right."
—u/Outcome_Stunning

15."That specific feeling when everyone gathers to take a group picture, and then they hand the phone to you to take it. Ouch."
—u/jupiterjazz87

Jacoblund / Getty Images/iStockphoto
16."That it automatically means I don't take care of myself, and that I don't care about how I look, what I eat, my health, and so on. People who don't take care of themselves are often seen as unattractive — even though they probably have mental health issues — which then compounds how 'ugly' you're perceived to be."
—u/Otherwise-Status-Err

17.And finally, "It impacts the way you allow yourself to feel pleasure. The way you feel about your body drastically impacts how good you allow yourself to feel through it. Whether it's dancing or sex, if you feel like your body being seen is shameful, it really hinders you from enjoying it fully."
—u/peachandpeony

Do you have any similar experiences to share?

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/unattractive-women-sharing-ways-theyre-054603569.html

Wow. I can relate so so much. I know I've posted cute pics and I can be cute at times especially in pics, but all my life I've generally been seen and treated this way. The proof is in the actions of those surrounding me. I relate to almost every single thing on this list.

 

[Pin]

Yeah.

 

[Peppermint]

The first thing that struck me as I read through this is that most of these can apply just as well to anyone who is insecure about their appearance, irrespective of how attractive they are.

 

[Gaze]

The first thing that struck me as I read through this is that most of these can apply just as well to anyone who is insecure about their appearance, irrespective of how attractive they are.

Agree to an extent. You may not be insecure and still be treated like this, and that's the difference. There's often the tendency to say that it comes down to confidence. If someone is confident in who they are, then they will be treated well and will be perceived as attractive to others. However, that's not always true. People will treat others poorly, regardless of their supposed confidence, simply because they don't see them as worthy. This stuff happens, regardless of how great or confident, you are.

Or people treat you patronizingly nice as if they are doing you a favor, sometimes even being extra nice, because they feel sorry for you because they don't see you as being their type. Sometimes, people don't know how to see all people as deserving of the same desires to be respected and appreciated like everyone else unless they look like someone who they believe automatically deserves it because they are fit, hot, or attractive. They think it's a joke if you expect to be treated the same. It's not about expecting everyone to want or be attracted to you. It's just the lack of common courtesy that occurs that's annoying to deal with. It borders on abuse in some cases.

For example, you're invisible or ignored unless they want to use you to get to someone else. Happens a lot.

 

[SpecialEdition]

I see Yahoo is taking a page out of Buzzfeed's book and just scraping quotes from Reddit and calling it an article lol.

The only time I have really related to any portion of this was basically up until I was 19 and it was only because the people I wanted to like me or see me a certain way didn't. But it wasn't widespread and it wasn't my experience with most people.

 

[Work]

if I am with anyone, that is the person that will be addressed...no matter what the situation.

 

[Asa]

Hmmm. I can't talk about this without sounding grossly vain, so apologies in advance. I'm the type of woman some find beautiful and some do not. I receive extreme behaviors from people who find me attractive, but sometimes people are rude because they don't find me attractive. Personally, I don't think I'm photogenic. I do not like having my photo taken at all. I've been asked to model for photographers and painters numerous times and I freak out.

Once one of my friends was very drunk and kept telling her male coworker how beautiful she thought I was and asking if he agreed. She was an over-the-top pin-up style woman with enormous breasts, big hair, head-to-toe tattoos, and wore retro 50s clothing. He was into her, and any man who idealizes that type isn't going to be into me. I have a different body type and different look. He wouldn't agree I was pretty and it went on and on and on for several minutes until I finally said, "Just agree with her so she shuts up." It was incredibly rude. The best part of that night was that she kissed me instead of him. You should have seen his face.. .and she did it because he was being rude to both of us in different ways ––objectifying her and "rejecting" me. That was awkward.

Once a photographer my in-laws hired didn't think I was pretty and was rude to me while he was all over my SIL. I saw him at a restaurant about a year later and he kept staring at me and asked if he could photograph me. No.

It's usually women who don't think I'm pretty and are mean or hurtful about it. Men are usually a little bit nicer about it. I take it harder when women aren't supportive. I don't need to hear that I must be lying because I'm not pretty enough for a random man at a club to grab my ass. Men grab me a lot and do other equally disgusting things a lot, and it sucks when people dont believe me, especially if it is because I don't fit their definition of a person attractive enough to be harassed.

Sometimes men are sweet to me until I reject them and then get mean and tell me I am ugly. That behavior is transparent. When I turn a man down it isn't because I don't think he is a worthwhile human. I feel bad about turning men down and hurting their feelings or discouraging them from asking another woman out. I'm married, though, and not interested.

To be honest, I'm more familiar with being objectified than spurned. I have endless horrible stories about rude and crass men and many scary stories of men getting out of hand.

 

[Wyote]

people treat you patronizingly nice as if they are doing you a favor, sometimes even being extra nice, because they feel sorry for you because they don't see you as being their type

This is my entire existence pretty much. Which I'm ok with, I get it. I'm not for everyone. I'm not for most people really.
I've had to learn to navigate the world in many different ways from most people.

To me, I see mostly everybody generally treating one another like shit on some level, so beauty is only one facet of things.
The sooner you realize that beautiful people have it easier in some ways and harder in others, the sooner you can sort of move on from that noise.
People will always generally default to biological imperatives. If you don't look at yourself honestly, there's no way to make things in your life function honestly.

Edit: I also like Asa's point about preferences. There's no one particular standard of perception as far as beauty goes anyway. People like all sorts of different kinds of things for different reasons.
It's important to understand what sort of value you bring to the table, and use that as best you can.
No matter who/what you are you aren't going to be beautiful to everyone.

 

[slant]

That sucks. I must not have this experience because I've never noticed people treating me differently because of how I look. Or when I experienced situations where I was ignored or treated differently I didn't tie it to how I looked, I didn't know why those people were behaving that way.

When I was obese I did feel like a second class citizen and there was a lot of shame. I assumed all negative behavior towards me was because i was fat and I also thought any man attracted to me was trying to use me because I didn't find myself attractive.

Since I've lost weight, I haven't really had anybody in person try to hit on me or flirt with me. Actually that's not true I've had a couple of old men at the open mics hit on me. Which was creepy. But I didn't think they were hitting on me because I was attractive. Huh.

 

[aeon]

I see Yahoo is taking a page out of Buzzfeed's book and just scraping quotes from Reddit and calling it an article lol.

+2, insightful and funny.

Buzzfeed is strange in that the main part is such shite, but Buzzfeed News is some serious quality journalism. Their reports, while very good, are so damned long...I love to read, but they can be a real time investment.

And Reddit as a source of realistic experiences? Can be, but not with a degree of certainty such that you can quote or cite posts and not look highly suspect, IMHO, and I love Reddit...for what it is.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[Gaze]

It's usually women who don't think I'm pretty and are mean or hurtful about it. Men are usually a little bit nicer about it. I take it harder when women aren't supportive. I don't need to hear that I must be lying because I'm not pretty enough for a random man at a club to grab my ass. Men grab me a lot and do other equally disgusting things a lot, and it sucks when people dont believe me, especially if it is because I don't fit their definition of a person attractive enough to be harassed.

Sometimes men are sweet to me until I reject them and then get mean and tell me I am ugly. That behavior is transparent. When I turn a man down it isn't because I don't think he is a worthwhile human. I feel bad about turning men down and hurting their feelings or discouraging them from asking another woman out. I'm married, though, and not interested.

To be honest, I'm more familiar with being objectified than spurned. I have endless horrible stories about rude and crass men and many scary stories of men getting out of hand.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this. Everyone gets some version of this in different ways.

This is my entire existence pretty much. Which I'm ok with, I get it. I'm not for everyone. I'm not for most people really.
I've had to learn to navigate the world in many different ways from most people.

To me, I see mostly everybody generally treating one another like shit on some level, so beauty is only one facet of things.
The sooner you realize that beautiful people have it easier in some ways and harder in others, the sooner you can sort of move on from that noise.
People will always generally default to biological imperatives. If you don't look at yourself honestly, there's no way to make things in your life function honestly.

Edit: I also like Asa's point about preferences. There's no one particular standard of perception as far as beauty goes anyway. People like all sorts of different kinds of things for different reasons.
It's important to understand what sort of value you bring to the table, and use that as best you can.
No matter who/what you are you aren't going to be beautiful to everyone.

Totally agree that not everyone will be attractive or beautiful to everyone. The problem is when people think it is ok to be rude, crude, or disrespectful because they view you as less or more attractive and that somehow means they can treat you however they want. Or as @Asa mentioned, assuming that because you find someone attractive, they owe you something. It's just scary how pervasive these views still are despite how questionably evolved our society is supposed to be.

Or another one that annoys me is seeing someone as nothing special if they are not someone you are interested in. People are still interesting on their own even if you are not interested in being with them.

 

[aeon]

Women Who Aren't Considered Conventionally "Attractive" Are Sharing The Annoying Things They Have To Put Up With

It's true that the concept of beauty is SUPER subjective, but it's also true that women are held to impossible standards and often treated much, much worse if they don't fit into the societal mold of what's considered "attractive."

No matter who, what, how, when, or why a woman is, she will be judged as lacking. No matter what her behavior, she will be considered, and usually told, she is wrong. No matter what a woman achieves, it will not be enough, and it will always be discovered that in some way she dropped the ball. They are given praise until they are judged to misstep, at which point they are cut down to size. Women are continually told how important it is that they be sexy, in whatever way, but the moment a woman expresses sexuality, of whatever kind, from whatever source, especially her own, she will be judged and shamed, all while being desired for something other than her person. Women are told to not be fat, but also to not be thin...she is told to have the right kind of fat, the right amount of fat, in the right locations, in the right proportions, because...that fat is what makes a woman a woman, but it gets called figure, curves, body, and so on, so the word fat can be reserved as a slur. A woman is denied rights to her own body, but she damned well better take care of it. Women are treated like a source of free labor...the birthing type, of course, and the employed type, of course, but don’t forget domestic labor, emotional labor, social labor...it’s all expected, and none of it is paid. Women are told the lie they can do it all, and then are expected to...and when they cannot, and no woman can, they are judged as lazy and undisciplined. I could go on and on. Basically, keep them doubting themselves, both by measure of self esteem, as well as non-stop low-level chronic gaslighting, and they are easier to control.

It’s because of the patriarchy, and it is one hell of a drug.

Of course, this all happens to men too, but in varying ways, means, and degrees, and in those ways unique to men, just as women have their unique ways. But when women give voice to their experiences, they will be alternately listened to, ridiculed, shamed, and ignored. But men at best will be given an eye roll, and considered pathetic, if not weak.

No sex, no gender, no orientation...none gets a pass.

"As a fat woman, not being able to go to 90% of my doctor's visits without my weight being brought up. I mean, that's fine in a check-up or physical, but if I go in because I have a sinus infection, I don't really feel the need to discuss how fat I am right at that moment, unless it's somehow going to clear up my sinus infection."

I can appreciate her perspective, and certainly her feeling in this way is valid. That said, I see it from two perspectives, at least, and one of them is medical. Education about the effects of being overweight and/or obese needs to begin early. I think doctors are way too passive in this regard. That 90% needs to be 100%, yet at the same time it needs to be constructive, and should be advocacy and support, not chiding, blaming, or shaming.

The cascade of effects resulting from long-term obesity and/or being overweight simply destroy the body, full stop. It occurs on three main parallel paths: First, osteo-skeletally. Second, metabolically. Third, and the most destructive, hemodynamically.

I mean, if someone wants to eat in a way that leads to health consequences, suffering, and early death, that is their right, and who am I to say otherwise? But if someone would like to be otherwise, and is willing to make the changes necessary, I value supporting them as they would like to be supported, if they want that at all.

That I am of normative, healthy weight for my height means that I am necessarily a member of a minority group in my country, and that isn’t right, on quite a few levels.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

I relate with this @Gaze
It's an impossible standard.

Especially when I was younger and growing, I was often teased and for many years abused. Now that I'm older, some people have made passing comments about me being attractive and well... I don't know how to handle it. It doesn't feel real. Often I avoid sharing too many photos not because I'm camera shy [anymore] but because people might say something nice to me and it reminds me that, on a societal level I'm still being measured in that way. And that's very disconcerting.
It also makes me disbelieve them, which isn't fair to them and my own thing to work through. Friends are easier, because they've known me for so long I don't feel it's about that anymore.

A few days back I was browsing online, and saw older photos of Charlotte Rampling in her youth. As well as current ones, now that she's older. She was, and is, gorgeous. And I thought to myself, in time, I hope to be like you.
It's not about looks. There's a kind of transcendence, lost in today's modern age (though that has roots before now), that we have when we're silver-haired crones and enter the winter of our lives.

 

[Gaze]

The ones I relate to the most are:

1."Being invisible next to your friends. They're all having fun, and you just sit there with no one talking to you."
- ADVERTISEMENT -

This was early on as a young adult, not recently. What bothered me more is when you do try to have a conversation with someone because you're part of the group, you try to make conversation, and they barely acknowledge or ignore you because you're not the one in the group they want to speak to. I mean, you can still be friendly or cordial. And some who did, thought they were being the nice, by giving me some attention.

And then those who did show interest, who I unfortunately liked, had me feeling they were doing me a huge favor. I mean, really?

13."When someone does genuinely find you attractive, you think it's a joke."
—u/taco_h0e

Yep, yep, yep! I don't even believe in thinking of myself in these terms, without feeling ridiculous. And I am not looking for a compliment. Nope. I'd rather someone not mention my appearance at all. I am just going to think they are lying, faking, or joking. It reached the point where I even think it's naive or silly for me to think someone could actually be interested in me. It's like, how dare me to imagine something like that? And I don't even feel weird talking about this. And I am certainly not seeking pity, just to clarify . But these experiences can mess with your head.

14."I've been used multiple times as a stepping stone to more attractive acquaintances or relatives. Men only speak to me to ask questions about their intended targets. I'm not even seen as a woman in my own right."
—u/Outcome_Stunning

Story of my young adult life. I've been friends with very attractive or beautiful women, and I've been very much an ignored side character when around these women. As a teen and as an adult, this experience was very common.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

Also, thank you for sharing this @Gaze
It's such a relatable topic for too many of us, and it helps being able to talk openly about it.

What bothered me more is when you do try to have a conversation with someone because you're part of the group, you try to make conversation, and they barely acknowledge or ignore you because you're not the one in the group they want to speak to. I mean, you can still be friendly or cordial.

Too familiar with this.
Sometimes I think that, if we're a very real person, it puts others off. People are often drawn to something superficially 'perfect', without understanding what that means. Not only in appearance but personality too.
Reality isn't very shiny.



(edit: typo)

 

[Gaze]

I can appreciate her perspective, and certainly her feeling in this way is valid. That said, I see it from two perspectives, at least, and one of them is medical. Education about the effects of being overweight and/or obese needs to begin early. I think doctors are way too passive in this regard. That 90% needs to be 100%, yet at the same time it needs to be constructive, and should be advocacy and support, not chiding, blaming, or shaming.

The cascade of effects resulting from long-term obesity and/or being overweight simply destroy the body, full stop. It occurs on three main parallel paths: First, osteo-skeletally. Second, metabolically. Third, and the most destructive, hemodynamically.

I mean, if someone wants to eat in a way that leads to health consequences, suffering, and early death, that is their right, and who am I to say otherwise? But if someone would like to be otherwise, and is willing to make the changes necessary, I value supporting them as they would like to be supported, if they want that at all.

That I am of normative, healthy weight for my height means that I am necessarily a member of a minority group in my country, and that isn’t right, on quite a few levels.

Cheers,
Ian

I am sorry but this is one of those subjects that unless you've dealt with it, you really shouldn't talk about it. People often reduce this issue to health, but that's only one part of the story. The medical community has made it a thing to target people who are not the standard weight and make them feel self-conscious and bad about it, even when it is not the main issue or cause of a visit. I have been treated rudely like I was nothing because I was overweight. Doubly, if you are a woman of color. They are often insensitive, patronizing, or overly simplistic in their diagnoses because they want to blame having weight on for everything, even if it is not the issue. There are so many cases of women finally sharing their stories of medical issues being overlooked or concerns being dismissed because the doctor rushed to judge the issue as weight-related.

Another thing is, my weight is mine and mine alone to discuss. If I would like advice on it, I will ask. Otherwise, I shouldn't be subject to someone's opinion or judgment about it unless they are directly affected by it, they are directly involved with me, and care about me the person. I know I have a weight issue. I don't need someone to tell me that. The focus should be health, not my weight alone. I can be healthy and not be small. That's a fact.

I remember having family members as a child call attention to weight as the first thing they notice and commenting on it publicly in front of others to shame. Honestly, someone's weight is no one's business, unless you are affected by being in this person's life and are involved with them in some way.

 

[Gaze]

Also, thank you for sharing this @Gaze
It's such a relatable topic for too many of us, and it helps being able to talk openly about it.



Too familiar with this.
Sometimes I think that, if we're a very real person, it puts others off. People are often drawn to something superficially 'perfect', without understanding what that means. Not only in appearance but personality too.
Reality isn't very shiny.



(edit: typo)

Exactly! So true. I try to be chill and easy-going and hope for a natural flow of conversation, but people seem to need frills, pomp, and circumstance for them to feel there's something there. There's the sense that you have to be so extraordinary and impressive. You can't just simply be normal, natural, or comfortable.

 

[aeon]

Now that I'm older, some people have made passing comments about me being attractive and well... I don't know how to handle it. It doesn't feel real.

I'd rather someone not mention my appearance at all. I am just going to think they are lying, faking, or joking.

Something that may be of benefit to think:

Attractiveness is not a quality of the person or thing deemed so...even if the language would suggest otherwise. Though often said in the form of ____ is/are attractive, what has actually occurred is the individual expressing as such has had the inner experience of feeling attraction toward someone or something. Nothing has actually been said about the person or thing deemed attractive. As such, there’s no reason to take it personally.

Of course, feel as you wish (or not) about someone speaking to their inner experience. Regardless of what they say, it’s about them, not you.

As is said...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...(not the person or thing deemed beautiful).

Cheers,
Ian

 

[mintoots]

I don't see myself as attractive but I may have been a certain type of attractive somewhere around my teens and in my twenties when I was more chubby/overweight and not obese. I entered into obesity in my mid 20s; around the same time I plummeted into depression and have never returned to a healthy weight since. I can definitely say I've felt the differences between an attractive state and an unattractive state as society would have it.

When I was of a healthier weight, I crashed a new motorcycle while I was backing up. I broke his side mirror. He didn't ask to be taken to the police in exchange for my number. I took the opportunity of course. There were times when what it brought was danger to me too-- cat calls, and on a few occasions unwanted but rather overly forward unwelcome advances enough to be somewhat traumatizing. Nowadays, I don't experience these kinds of concessions as often. I do find that what "cuteness" used to bring to the table easily could also be extracted through kindness. If I smile more around a person and if I speak sweetly, no matter my weight, I am likely able to charm people. But it really does matter to look physically put together. It sends out an air of confidence to most people. On a day when my hair is everywhere and I'm in baggy shorts and tshirts, I will probably be looked back to with blank stares even if I do my best to charm them. I've noticed that even in my most obese state, I could get whatever I wanted if my confidence just banged it and if I am being outright sincere about being myself.

At that, I think culture also matters. I observed this as I was trying out online dating. Out of curiosity, I change my location pin to check the responses I get. There are continents that shoot up my likes to hundreds and continents where I'm even lucky if I get 1 like a day. Note that I make sure to post unfiltered and recent photos because I dislike the thought of overselling myself to a lying point. That said though, the US and Southern and East Asia definitely have a very specific identifier of beauty--- at least that's my conclusion. Also I'm finding that in my current weight, I am often rather fetishized for it. I once received a weird sexual proposition online from a guy who wanted me to pretend I was his daughter. I think he may be a pedophile. He's been blocked, of course.

Personally, I struggle with feeling beautiful and feminine. It's been stuck in my head that I'm average in that sense but that also it doesn't matter to me. I've come to the conclusion that it's not all that I am as a person. However, there really are days when I want to be drop dead gorgeous. It's a work in progress to own that emotion even in my current weight but maybe it can be doable. Whenever people make references about my weight (oh you're so pretty but you're so fat), I usually just throw the comment back at them with some self deprecating humor (yeah, it's because I've earned enough money for McDonalds). What can I say? It's true that I am fat too so I don't want to make a big guzz. But the thing is, it also doesn't really matter to me because I'm loved as I am anyway. It does however affect how I present myself in a potential relationship. There was a time when I wondered whether or not I'd let the man I like be in a relationship with someone else because I'm not visually enough for him. When I was friend zoned, I was so hurt thinking that it was probably about my weight because personality wise, he obviously couldn't get enough of spending time with me. I realized that was bullshit. In a way, if there are those who sexually fetishize me for my weight then there must also be a good guy out there that will celebrate both my personality and my appearance. I understand the numbers are slim on that data wise though, so I'm also just being practical and shall go on with my life as I should. I do try these days to go back to a normal weight but it's only because I'm aware I'm getting older and I'd rather not get stuck spending my hard earned money on medical bills.

All in all, if a person is shallow enough to judge me for my appearance, I guess that's just shitty life and they are shitty people. I've got awesome people and I don't need them in my life. I mean I'm sure they are awesome in their own way too but I guess it would just follow that their awesome and my awesome aren't good fits.