Other infj’s only attracting mean men?

[Malena]

Hi! I’m interested to hear if other infj’s are struggeling with this.

So all of my friends call me a asshole magnet, and that they have never met anyone who’s as unlucky as me. They don’t understand why because they know me as safe, sensitive, kind and funny. Ever since i got single 3 years ago i’ve attracted men who is arrogant, cold and shallow. Of course most of them don’t show this right away, many work hard to seem like a caring gentleman. But as soon as i open up a bit and become my weird(?)self, they become really mean and dismissive. Many has said they thought i was «cool» and «hard to get», but got dissapointed when they got to know me, but they would love to keep fucking me if that’s okay. It makes me sick.

Always analyzing and overthink i’m trying to figure out why this is happening to me over and over. If i was a freak, i wouldn’t have had so many good friends who says they love me like a sister. And my co-workers says i bright up the environment at work. Don’t mean to brag, it’s just some background information. I’m starting to feel like something is wrong with me, that i’m not normal or something. Men are SO eager until i let my guard down, not a compliment to say the least. Is this common for infj’s or is it just me?

 

[FiftySeven]

You are tapping into an intuitive aspect of yourself that is honing in on these guys. Think about it, there is something unresolved in you that repeatedly plays out in your relationships, and it ain't good. It could be that for the time being if you feel attracted to a man consider it a red flag and close the door. Also, start reading the blog posts of just about every woman on this forum, use the search feature for key words...I think you will find value in there. BTW there is nothing wrong with you, what you have is a gift...you just gotta learn to respect it.

 

[Malena]

You are tapping into an intuitive aspect of yourself that is honing in on these guys. Think about it, there is something unresolved in you that repeatedly plays out in your relationships, and it ain't good. It could be that for the time being if you feel attracted to a man consider it a red flag and close the door. Also, start reading the blog posts of just about every woman on this forum, use the search feature for key words...I think you will find value in there. BTW there is nothing wrong with you, what you have is a gift...you just gotta learn to respect it.

Thank you, i appreciate your response i did have a bad feeling with the last man i was dating, but i thought it was just nerves. I told him i felt a bit scared and maybe shouldn’t date, he said i could trust him, so i did. And i’m still heartbroken that he suddenly changed his personality. I think it’s so sad that people only act nice because they have something to gain, not because they just want to be a good person. I have worked hard on my self and thought i was ready to date again, but then this happened. Only good thing is that i blocked him, i usually won’t do that.

But you are right there is something unresolved that i’m looking for, i can feel the longing for it

 

[InfernoMink]

I’m guessing a lotta assholes gonna come out after the pandemic. Dudes with the YOLO dicks and we almost died attitudes, I can see that happening.
So ladies, guard your hearts. that’s my advice.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

It's a silly thing to have to also manage psychology in a relationship. This definitely works both ways with both genders: when one person in the relationship feels he/she is better than you, he/she will start treating poorly as some kind of subconscious resentment.

When you don't have boundaries, and give more love than you receive, your partner will get spoiled and think he or she is above you, and will behave according to whatever he or she can get away with. It is shitty, and a low-quality means of determining your match, but most people are like that.

A man's attractiveness is based on behavior, to simplify: his tendency to act according to his will despite the opinions of others (this is one trait). It's an easy indicator, but there's an important distinction for women to make that's a bit harder: Is he a loser piece of shit who simply accepted his behavior, or is he a high quality man who is considerate and makes good decisions like avoiding imbalanced relationships or breaking it off as soon as he realizes it isn't a match instead of dragging things out because his dick needs to stay wet. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, but to prioritize it over someone's emotional well being, is a dick move (literally). Anyway, that's the thing with jerks, is that in some way you feel they earned a right to be bold. It turns out that strategy for life in general will work to a point, but wont go past that ceiling.

That being said, there's always two sides to a story. The first question I have is have you made it hard for these men to leave you?

Another thing to realize is that affection is easy to give, and that giving it should never expect anything in return. In fact, it is much more common for men to feel the pain of this because it's very easy to - for example - compliment a woman, but she doesn't want to feel obligated to "reward" his kind words to appease a weak ego. The point here is that using affection as a currency doesn't work out in the long run.


I also want to say that we as members of society need to tune our behavior because it works out better for us, not necessarily because it's right or wrong.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Hi @Malena.

I think others have given some good advice on this, but I'd also like to say that sometimes one simply has a bad run. Probability only evens out over very long time scales - just as you can flip a coin and get heads ten times in a row, so too can you get three jerks in a row.

It might be absolutely nothing to do with you yourself, and nothing you have to consider changing.

 

[Malena]

It's a silly thing to have to also manage psychology in a relationship. This definitely works both ways with both genders: when one person in the relationship feels he/she is better than you, he/she will start treating poorly as some kind of subconscious resentment.

When you don't have boundaries, and give more love than you receive, your partner will get spoiled and think he or she is above you, and will behave according to whatever he or she can get away with. It is shitty, and a low-quality means of determining your match, but most people are like that.

A man's attractiveness is based on behavior, to simplify: his tendency to act according to his will despite the opinions of others (this is one trait). It's an easy indicator, but there's an important distinction for women to make that's a bit harder: Is he a loser piece of shit who simply accepted his behavior, or is he a high quality man who is considerate and makes good decisions like avoiding imbalanced relationships or breaking it off as soon as he realizes it isn't a match instead of dragging things out because his dick needs to stay wet. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, but to prioritize it over someone's emotional well being, is a dick move (literally). Anyway, that's the thing with jerks, is that in some way you feel they earned a right to be bold. It turns out that strategy for life in general will work to a point, but wont go past that ceiling.

That being said, there's always two sides to a story. The first question I have is have you made it hard for these men to leave you?

Another thing to realize is that affection is easy to give, and that giving it should never expect anything in return. In fact, it is much more common for men to feel the pain of this because it's very easy to - for example - compliment a woman, but she doesn't want to feel obligated to "reward" his kind words to appease a weak ego. The point here is that using affection as a currency doesn't work out in the long run.


I also want to say that we as members of society need to tune our behavior because it works out better for us, not necessarily because it's right or wrong.

Thank you so much for this insightful reply. It’s a little
embarrassing because i absolutely do make myself very available when i like someone, and give a lot of compliments and affection. Probably too much for many. Iv’e always been like that. So i’m guessing they look down on me and feel superior. Should i try to stop acting like this? And since i’m so worried about being used i’m making sure that the guy knows that i’m interested, because that’s how i would have liked to be treated. But that might be a mistake.

It does happen that men have a hard time leaving, if someone is in love with me it usually last for many years, some up to 10 years. But then again it usually never gets to that point that they develop feelings, 19/20 men dosen’t want to see me again unless i want to sleep with them.

 

[Malena]

Hi @Malena.

I think others have given some good advice on this, but I'd also like to say that sometimes one simply has a bad run. Probability only evens out over very long time scales - just as you can flip a coin and get heads ten times in a row, so too can you get three jerks in a row.

It might be absolutely nothing to do with you yourself, and nothing you have to consider changing.

Comforting thought, thank you

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

Just push the trash away and keep your friends close then things should be ok.

 

[Asa]

Hello @Malena, I do not think this is an INFJ thing. This happens to many women. If you change your mindset about what you want and accept, change your behavior, create stronger boundaries, and actively avoid relationships with men who aren't good for you, you won't have this problem anymore, or at least as often. They won't be attracted to you anymore, nor you to them.

Most women date a few jerks before they date good men. It's an exercise in growth.

Edit: I'm not saying the same doesn't apply to men and non-binary people. We're just talking about women dating men right now.

 

[mintoots]

Men are SO eager until i let my guard down, not a compliment to say the least. Is this common for infj’s or is it just me?

Hi, I don't know that it's common, but as another heterosexual female INFJ, I don't really put myself out there for these situations (anymore). For the very short period that I did try, I could pretty much say that the eagerness that is usually there in the beginning dies its own death but rather than seeing this as there being something wrong with me, I saw it instead as just a natural turn out. I don't easily like someone in that way and that has helped me listen to my intuition more. This way, I didn't easily get swayed by the eagerness but still got to enjoy it for when it was still fun, and then not anymore. My being able to recognize what I want from something like this at specific stages saved me a lot of collateral damage. Although the dying out part had its own pains, it wasn't as self-sabotaging as I thought it would be.

As to why men lose interest, I don't think it is necessarily our job to keep it nor whichever genders' for that matter. Not that I think you thought of it as that; instead what I'm trying to say is that I think it's just fun when it is and not when it isn't, and that it has nothing on our quality as people (because essentially all people are equally shitty).

The tendency to lose interest is a choice that goes both ways. Remembering that dating is a necessarily mutual experience which the other can opt out from at any given time leaves a lot of leg room for respect and self-preservation even at its fall out. Vulnerability, sexual or any other, should be awarded only according to what feels good for you as an individual as in knowing that the choice to be vulnerable won't leave you questioning your value, be this in the form of your viability as a partner or something else. Most people just exercise their choices. It does feel shitty to be unchosen but that's just what it is: a choice. Rationalizing to find our flaws as though to improve ourselves is a terrible idea if the sole intent is to increase our attractiveness score. The only mold that we should ever try to fit into is that which we choose for ourselves because it feels good to be us, or because we seek our own personal betterment. There is nothing wrong with you as in it's not your obligation to fix you for their experience. Your individual value is its own ascension regardless of what failed lovers think, or even friends, and siblings, and parents for that matter. I'm one to preach as it's a tough conversation I try to have with myself but that is it: a conversation you have with yourself, for yourself, and not for any body else's.

 

[Malena]

Hi, I don't know that it's common, but as another heterosexual female INFJ, I don't really put myself out there for these situations (anymore). For the very short period that I did try, I could pretty much say that the eagerness that is usually there in the beginning dies its own death but rather than seeing this as there being something wrong with me, I saw it instead as just a natural turn out. I don't easily like someone in that way and that has helped me listen to my intuition more. This way, I didn't easily get swayed by the eagerness but still got to enjoy it for when it was still fun, and then not anymore. My being able to recognize what I want from something like this at specific stages saved me a lot of collateral damage. Although the dying out part had its own pains, it wasn't as self-sabotaging as I thought it would be.

As to why men lose interest, I don't think it is necessarily our job to keep it nor whichever genders' for that matter. Not that I think you thought of it as that; instead what I'm trying to say is that I think it's just fun when it is and not when it isn't, and that it has nothing on our quality as people (because essentially all people are equally shitty).

The tendency to lose interest is a choice that goes both ways. Remembering that dating is a necessarily mutual experience which the other can opt out from at any given time leaves a lot of leg room for respect and self-preservation even at its fall out. Vulnerability, sexual or any other, should be awarded only according to what feels good for you as an individual as in knowing that the choice to be vulnerable won't leave you questioning your value, be this in the form of your viability as a partner or something else. Most people just exercise their choices. It does feel shitty to be unchosen but that's just what it is: a choice. Rationalizing to find our flaws as though to improve ourselves is a terrible idea if the sole intent is to increase our attractiveness score. The only mold that we should ever try to fit into is that which we choose for ourselves because it feels good to be us, or because we seek our own personal betterment. There is nothing wrong with you as in it's not your obligation to fix you for their experience. Your individual value is its own ascension regardless of what failed lovers think, or even friends, and siblings, and parents for that matter. I'm one to preach as it's a tough conversation I try to have with myself but that is it: a conversation you have with yourself, for yourself, and not for any body else's.

Thank you for taking this time for a great response, i’ll try taking your advice and think what feels best for me and not mold myself into what fit for others. Changing myself would be like some sort of self abandonment. I love being myself when i’m alone or with family and friends, and so happy that i am me with my vivid imagination and naturally highs where i feel so happy when something nice is happening.

But i do wish i would act more normal when i’m in limerence, i lose my head and feel shameful when they start to act dismissive and avoid me, saying the only good thing about me was the sex. It makes me never want to date again, it’s like i can see myself through their eyes and suddenly don’t see the mature and calm person, but a child with autism (don’t mean anything offensive about autism). I feel the shame burn in my cheeks when i think about myself through the eyes of these men. After the last man i was recently dating i had a nightmare that i was covered in open, festering wounds, and when someone touched them my skin fell off and it was nothing there to hold my organs toghether anymore, i knew in the dream that i was broken and gross. Horrible dream, but that is what i felt like after his cold behaviour.

 

[mintoots]

But i do wish i would act more normal when i’m in limerence, i lose my head and feel shameful when they start to act dismissive and avoid me, saying the only good thing about me was the sex. It makes me never want to date again, it’s like i can see myself through their eyes and suddenly don’t see the mature and calm person, but a child with autism (don’t mean anything offensive about autism). I feel the shame burn in my cheeks when i think about myself through the eyes of these men. After the last man i was recently dating i had a nightmare that i was covered in open, festering wounds, and when someone touched them my skin fell off and it was nothing there to hold my organs toghether anymore, i knew in the dream that i was broken and gross. Horrible dream, but that is what i felt like after his cold behaviour.

I'm sorry to read that. Did someone say that to you directly? Whoever this person was, he sure is a piece of ass. I wish it was as easy as my saying don't let it get to you but that's not an easy thing to wrap one's head around. It is disrespectful to say the least. For sure, the pain is understated. There are times when people just want sex, and I think it is important for you to know that it is within your power to recognize this. It is also up to you whether you want to follow through with it, knowing full well that it's all there is on the table. It's okay to do so if only to exercise how empowered you are in meeting the needs of your own body, but it's important to see that if it's just sex, then it's just sex. It's hardly a ticket towards a serious relationship. If we look at it from a different perspective, it can also be a compliment to how attractive you are. I hope you could celebrate that bit and be fearless about it. Their inability to see you for more than your body is their loss in its own sense, as cliche as that may be. But also, essentially, it's just their choice. If they said something as mean as that to you, then their intents were most probably malicious and therefore untrustworthy. Seeing it as that should make it more possible for you to reject it as truth. If it was his truth, it doesn't automatically follow that it's everyone else's. In the end, it just wasn't the right fit for you.

I understand the lament about dating. It takes some guts to spend time getting to know someone. If anything, I think it's such a tedious and iffy process, and I think more so for INFJs. Not that I'm recruiting you to the no-dating wagon, but if you feel that it's better to spend some more time celebrating yourself as a single woman for now, it shouldn't stop you. Dating should be fun and less a chore. That way, it can make your time spent on it less stressful. You could take your time too. Idly and carefully choose who to be with. I think you have every right to do so. Enjoy your self as you are. I think the chances of finding someone who would like you for who you are dramatically increases when you're having fun as you.

 

[Matty]

INFJs come across as demure, polite, and caring. But when they open up, I find them VERY unpleasant.

Maybe it's the shift from introverted-empathy mode, to judgemental-moralising (nagging) mode.

Anyhow, I hope you can find someone compatible and friendly.

 

[Malena]

I'm sorry to read that. Did someone say that to you directly? Whoever this person was, he sure is a piece of ass. I wish it was as easy as my saying don't let it get to you but that's not an easy thing to wrap one's head around. It is disrespectful to say the least. For sure, the pain is understated. There are times when people just want sex, and I think it is important for you to know that it is within your power to recognize this. It is also up to you whether you want to follow through with it, knowing full well that it's all there is on the table. It's okay to do so if only to exercise how empowered you are in meeting the needs of your own body, but it's important to see that if it's just sex, then it's just sex. It's hardly a ticket towards a serious relationship. If we look at it from a different perspective, it can also be a compliment to how attractive you are. I hope you could celebrate that bit and be fearless about it. Their inability to see you for more than your body is their loss in its own sense, as cliche as that may be. But also, essentially, it's just their choice. If they said something as mean as that to you, then their intents were most probably malicious and therefore untrustworthy. Seeing it as that should make it more possible for you to reject it as truth. If it was his truth, it doesn't automatically follow that it's everyone else's. In the end, it just wasn't the right fit for you.

I understand the lament about dating. It takes some guts to spend time getting to know someone. If anything, I think it's such a tedious and iffy process, and I think more so for INFJs. Not that I'm recruiting you to the no-dating wagon, but if you feel that it's better to spend some more time celebrating yourself as a single woman for now, it shouldn't stop you. Dating should be fun and less a chore. That way, it can make your time spent on it less stressful. You could take your time too. Idly and carefully choose who to be with. I think you have every right to do so. Enjoy your self as you are. I think the chances of finding someone who would like you for who you are dramatically increases when you're having fun as you.

Thank you so much! Yes, some have said it straight to my face, and the last one i was dating said he wanted something serious with me, but then over night changed his personality and was really mean and degrading. He didn’t even bother to cancel our last date, even though he initiated it. And when i said i was waiting for him and felt disrespected he said he didn’t care because he had a hang over after drinking and didn’t like me anyway, and that i should have figured that out for myself. Just days before he was kissing me several times and holding my hand, so i felt confused. I’m putting dating on hold until i feel less vulnerable.

Thank you again, i feel better then before i posted this thread

 

[Malena]

INFJs come across as demure, polite, and caring. But when they open up, I find them VERY unpleasant.

Maybe it's the shift from introverted-empathy mode, to judgemental-moralising (nagging) mode.

Anyhow, I hope you can find someone compatible and friendly.

It’s okay someone might feel that way, but it shouldn’t be so hard letting someone down without being cruel about it. That’s what making it so painful, being treated like worthless trash by the same person who was so warm and tender just days before. If someone says hey, i had a good time but not feeling it, it’s absolutely okay

 

[slant]

I wouldn't blame it on anything like who you are inherently. But I would do some deep soul searching and think about the type of men you are attracted to, what attracts you to them, and how that might contribute to this situation you find yourself in.

Remember, you can't control how others react to you. You can only control you. If you find yourself in a pattern of behavior you can take steps to change your own patterns but not the patterns of others.

You are worthy of love and will one day find it, but if you find yourself in similar scenarios time and time again you may be blocking yourself from true happiness by some of your decisions so it's up to you to figure out how you can many different choices that result in better outcomes.

I've personally been involved with abusive and malicious men and as much as that was because of their behavior, I ignored a lot of red flags because I wanted love so badly and my idea of a relationship was heavily influenced by my own childhood abuse so I was willing to accept being treated ways that most people wouldn't out of self respect. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but it's an example. You need to reflect and figure out what you might be contributing to the situation so you can modify your behavior and hopefully avoid these types of relationships in the future, or at least break them off early on instead of later.

 

[Asa]

I wouldn't blame it on anything like who you are inherently. But I would do some deep soul searching and think about the type of men you are attracted to, what attracts you to them, and how that might contribute to this situation you find yourself in.

Remember, you can't control how others react to you. You can only control you. If you find yourself in a pattern of behavior you can take steps to change your own patterns but not the patterns of others.

You are worthy of love and will one day find it, but if you find yourself in similar scenarios time and time again you may be blocking yourself from true happiness by some of your decisions so it's up to you to figure out how you can many different choices that result in better outcomes.

I agree with this 100%.

 

[Malena]

I wouldn't blame it on anything like who you are inherently. But I would do some deep soul searching and think about the type of men you are attracted to, what attracts you to them, and how that might contribute to this situation you find yourself in.

Remember, you can't control how others react to you. You can only control you. If you find yourself in a pattern of behavior you can take steps to change your own patterns but not the patterns of others.

You are worthy of love and will one day find it, but if you find yourself in similar scenarios time and time again you may be blocking yourself from true happiness by some of your decisions so it's up to you to figure out how you can many different choices that result in better outcomes.

I've personally been involved with abusive and malicious men and as much as that was because of their behavior, I ignored a lot of red flags because I wanted love so badly and my idea of a relationship was heavily influenced by my own childhood abuse so I was willing to accept being treated ways that most people wouldn't out of self respect. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but it's an example. You need to reflect and figure out what you might be contributing to the situation so you can modify your behavior and hopefully avoid these types of relationships in the future, or at least break them off early on instead of later.

Thank you, and i’m sorry you went through that painful past. My dad has a personality disorder and was at times emotionally abusive to my mom (she’s a infj too), not the best environment to grow up in, but he was and still is intense in his love to me. I used to fall for men who was dominant, shameless, looked dangerous and things like that, but now it’s kind of oppsite where dominant men scare me and i fall for men who is affectionate, passionate and feels safe. But obviously i’m still doing something wrong since nothing is changed in how they act in the end. I’m going to ve very cautious next time and look deep if i’m missing something and why i feel so attracted.

 

[grt$5vb]

I figured out from dating narcissists that I have CPTSD and was a co-dependent. I have been working on that for some years, plus studying narcissism. I did a co-dependency support group, therapy and hella self research and reflection.

I just recommend fixing yourself and hopefully you will attract and be attracted to other healthy individuals.