ONLINE relationship. INTJ Female & INFJ Male [Advice wanted]

[Nekmunnit5725]

I’m in need of some advice.

Since 2006 I’ve spoken with someone I met on an avatar based website. Over the years we found we were more interested in each other rather than the role play, and have since been interested in pursuing a relationship. However, we’ve yet to meet. Of the three attempts made all have ended in failure on his end. Mind you distance is not a complete hindrance. He lives in south Florida and I go to college six hours away in Georgia.
I’ve analyzed this a hundred time and I’m drawing a blank. It’s frustrating. I know for certain he is who he says he is, as I’ve set him up with ‘tests’ from time to time to verify his identity. He has also seen photos and video of me, and we’re both quite happy with how the other looks and sounds.

I’m beginning to think it comes down to our personalities.
It’s undecided whether I’m INTJ or INTP, but either way I’m very analytical and independent. I’m admittedly dominant, and tend to avoid doing or saying anything affectionate. He is an INFJ, and I’m afraid some of the things I offhandedly say upset him, which I know is difficult for him to convey. I do love him, and he knows that. I just think my more impersonal nature is scaring him away from trying anything.

I really don’t like the idea of leading the way. It’s evolution. The male pursues the female. I’m not sure if it’s plain logic or stubbornness on my part. We’re both long-term thinkers, and I know it would work out in the long run.
I just want to know how I should behave to encourage him, without giving up who I am.

I’m not as emotional as most other types, but I’m still human. I can wait, but I’m not sure for how much longer.
I need to know if I should give him a chance and hold out, or end something that doesn’t seem to be working.

Thank you for your time. If anyone has personal experience with such matters I’d love to hear it.

 

[just me]

Can you satisfy his emotional needs over many years? If you don't know, at least ask his answer.

 

[Solongo]

I’ve analyzed this a hundred time and I’m drawing a blank.

This pretty much describes your situation. I do not have the specifics but since you want advice I'll chime in.

This doesn't sound like any real relationship. There is lack of physical connectedness and alot of assumptions about who this person might be and how it relates to you, etc. The assumptions lead you into your head and make you think who this person could be; instead you could just ground yourself in reality and get to know this person in the real world. You may actually discover things you like and don't like instead of driving yourself crazy in your head about things that could be completely false.

No real relationship is ever real when there is lack of physical closeness, amount of time spent doing things together and understanding each others energy.

Have you considered actually building a physical connectedness with this person through actual real world?

 

[Nekmunnit5725]

Have you considered actually building a physical connectedness with this person through actual real world?

I have. I've asked him a few times if he'd be interested in visiting. I don't drive, and either way he's been reluctant about having me visit because he still lives with his parents.
I am absolutely on your side of this argument. Since there is a lack of physicality to it I've stopped calling it a 'relationship'. That hurt him, and I honestly don't know what to tell him. I've said if he wants a real relationship, he needs to make it so. Nothing's come of it so far.

Can you satisfy his emotional needs over many years? If you don't know, at least ask his answer.

That is something I believe gets lost in how impersonal the internet is, and part of the reason I may be sending him the wrong signals. I’m not verbally affectionate when unprovoked, which is why I don’t say a lot to him in that regard. My family likes to joke that I have the mannerisms of a cat. I’ll disappear on my own for hours on end, then curl up next to someone quietly afterwards. I like to be alone, but also don’t mind company so long as they’re not being intrusive on projects I’m doing. An INFJ offers the independence and patience I need, but I’m worried that I might unknowingly be depriving a feeler of the attention he needs.
I’m not sure if that’s something that can be amended in an in-person relationship, or something that will stay consistent.

 

[just me]

It is what it is. infj wonders where his cat is tonight, so has to spend the evening alone while the cat is coiled up somewhere else. I've learned to accept what I can get, because I cannot find the perfect relationship. Don't know how perfect it would truly be if I did.
We make sacrifices and become less selfish along life's paths we take.

 

[Dohavior]

For situations like this I like using Skype or other web chat applications. Do you have a webcam/microphone? If you got a laptop then most likely it has an internal mic which if placed on proper surfacing and enabled echo cancellation won't sound half bad. Although an old fashioned romance letter works nicely. Try brushing the letter over your body for scent and giving a lipstick kiss or two. Long ago people would even braid a lock of hair as a trinket of sorts, always struck me as romantic. When in a relationship I like to snap pictures that summarize what I've been up to every other hour or so throughout my day and text them over the cellphone which always makes for nice conversation later on down the road.

The social dynamics behind a lot of flop introvert relationships is that someone has to get chummy with the in-laws eventually. When dealing with families the older ones are vindictively calling up favors at inopportune times, and the younger ones going, "hey hey look at me! look at me I say watch this!" perhaps also sitting there with a derpy smile on their face just staring at you. Its always good to ready a few distractions or group activities. I recommend touch based games like "patty cake" it seems to build engaging emotional rapport.

In my opinion INFJ have always seemed like that dorky pal whom chameleons out of the way when the shit hits the fan. Their thinking tends to be, "I see two angry people why add a third this doesn't relate to me!". But they still have a pulse and factor in under a head count and some of the more tedious judgement inclinations still engage them if done in a socially indirect manner! I guess their strategy can be useful for preserving relationships in the long run with a sort of bad cop/good cop deal.

 

[Faye]

Have you actually spoken on video chat? You didn't say. Who the person is should definitely not be in question if you're going to meet, and that should be plain from interacting on video chat (also being fb friends, knowing about their personal life, etc. etc.). You shouldn't need to come up with tests to verify identity either.

Unless he has really good reasons for those planned meetings not working out (i.e. shifting work obligations, car failure, family emergency, significant illness, etc.), then my guess is that he might not be as into you as you think he is. Six hours is not that bad of a drive.

The only other possibility I can think of is that he is catfishing you somehow. You should tell him that if he is that he should just come clean.

 

[Nekmunnit5725]

Have you actually spoken on video chat? You didn't say. Who the person is should definitely not be in question if you're going to meet, and that should be plain from interacting on video chat (also being fb friends, knowing about their personal life, etc. etc.). You shouldn't need to come up with tests to verify identity either.

Unless he has really good reasons for those planned meetings not working out (i.e. shifting work obligations, car failure, family emergency, significant illness, etc.), then my guess is that he might not be as into you as you think he is. Six hours is not that bad of a drive.

The only other possibility I can think of is that he is catfishing you somehow. You should tell him that if he is that he should just come clean.

We’ve only seriously tried the visit twice, once in March 2012 and another this September. I have, however, put myself out there for at least a dozen occasions - including an unacknowledged trip to Florida less than 3 hours away from him . Both times his had issues getting off work, supposedly. He’s very bad in pressure situations, and even when he got off work last minute he freaked and avoided contacting me for the remainder of the day.

We talk at least twice a month for a few hours on Skype. He doesn’t have a webcam. I sent him one for the holidays last year, but he was having ‘issues’ with the formatting and ultimately didn’t use it.
Needless to say, the excuses get to me. I try, but I really don't believe them and they disgust me.

After the fuss about the webcam, I gave him that identity test to ensure he wasn’t a catfish. He goes to a digital media school, so I asked him to prerecord a video on the school’s Photobooth program and send it to me. He had to say his name/age, show his driver’s license, school ID, display three items I sent him, and be wearing the shirt of one of his fb pictures. He successfully did so, and his voice matched the one I’ve heard on Skype.

In some bizarre way, I wish he was a catfish. Then at least I’d know why this isn’t working. He checks out as authentic, and it’s mind-boggling that he’s the one who wants a relationship but isn’t forward enough to make it a reality.

When in a relationship I like to snap pictures that summarize what I've been up to every other hour or so throughout my day and text them over the cellphone which always makes for nice conversation later on down the road.

In my opinion INFJ ... thinking tends to be, "I see two angry people why add a third this doesn't relate to me!".

If you’ll forgive me, that’s a bit excessive for my taste. I would not be able to be with someone who wants my attention every hour on the hour.
I’m also too blunt and tactless to try love letters. And given my reputation in writing it’s apt to read sarcastic.

He is indeed one to disappear when conflict arises. I’ve always found it one of his more distasteful traits. I’m a strong supporter of honesty and bravery, and I feel like I haven’t been getting much of that from him. Those don’t seem like adaptable characteristics, and would certainly cripple any relationship with him.

 

[Faye]

We’ve only seriously tried the visit twice, once in March 2012 and another this September. I have, however, put myself out there for at least a dozen occasions - including an unacknowledged trip to Florida less than 3 hours away from him . Both times his had issues getting off work, supposedly. He’s very bad in pressure situations, and even when he got off work last minute he freaked and avoided contacting me for the remainder of the day.

We talk at least twice a month for a few hours on Skype. He doesn’t have a webcam. I sent him one for the holidays last year, but he was having ‘issues’ with the formatting and ultimately didn’t use it.
Needless to say, the excuses get to me. I try, but I really don't believe them and they disgust me.

After the fuss about the webcam, I gave him that identity test to ensure he wasn’t a catfish. He goes to a digital media school, so I asked him to prerecord a video on the school’s Photobooth program and send it to me. He had to say his name/age, show his driver’s license, school ID, display three items I sent him, and be wearing the shirt of one of his fb pictures. He successfully did so, and his voice matched the one I’ve heard on Skype.

In some bizarre way, I wish he was a catfish. Then at least I’d know why this isn’t working. He checks out as authentic, and it’s mind-boggling that he’s the one who wants a relationship but isn’t forward enough to make it a reality.

Okay, the guy may have issues then I would guess. The way he has been acting probably wont get better even if you got to be with him in person. You should communicate how you feel about all this to him, what you want, and be supportive. Maybe you'll get the response you want, or maybe not.

If you're only talking for a few hours twice per month, the chemistry might not really be there. What do you want endgame with this person? Would you want to either move to be with him or him with you, or is that crazy talk? I can understand wanting things to work out, but you can only do so much. You can be the best person you can be, come to really care for the other person, but in the end you have to have the give and take to really get a relationship going. If he finds it too difficult for whatever reason to connect with you and give you what you need, that is a sign that you might want to move on.

If he is an INFJ, you will have to learn to really convey your feelings and be affectionate if you want him to open up. Whatever things you might have said that upset him will need to be discussed and vice versa. Simply put- INFJs are touchy feely, so don't sign up to be with one unless you're willing to dig up your underutilized Fe and put it to work a little bit. You'll need to see a commitment on his part too though.

The biggest thing you can probably do at this point is insist he go out and get a new webcam that works. If the two of you really care about this, then you need to improve your communication, and the best way to do that is to ensure you can both see each other and get the full benefit of facial expressions, eye contact (at least through the screen), etc. because so much of communication is dependent on that.

 

[Nekmunnit5725]

Okay, the guy may have issues then I would guess. The way he has been acting probably wont get better even if you got to be with him in person. You should communicate how you feel about all this to him, what you want, and be supportive. Maybe you'll get the response you want, or maybe not.

If you're only talking for a few hours twice per month, the chemistry might not really be there. What do you want endgame with this person? Would you want to either move to be with him or him with you, or is that crazy talk? I can understand wanting things to work out, but you can only do so much. You can be the best person you can be, come to really care for the other person, but in the end you have to have the give and take to really get a relationship going. If he finds it too difficult for whatever reason to connect with you and give you what you need, that is a sign that you might want to move on.

If he is an INFJ, you will have to learn to really convey your feelings and be affectionate if you want him to open up. Whatever things you might have said that upset him will need to be discussed and vice versa. Simply put- INFJs are touchy feely, so don't sign up to be with one unless you're willing to dig up your underutilized Fe and put it to work a little bit. You'll need to see a commitment on his part too though.

The biggest thing you can probably do at this point is insist he go out and get a new webcam that works. If the two of you really care about this, then you need to improve your communication, and the best way to do that is to ensure you can both see each other and get the full benefit of facial expressions, eye contact (at least through the screen), etc. because so much of communication is dependent on that.

I’ll amend that talk statement in saying that we write each other almost every night in fb pm. It’s just easier because usually one or both of us have media based school work or reading. I’ve told him he could Skype me whenever he wants, but I don’t think he’s ever asked himself.

I’ve tried making excuses for him to comfort myself, everything between shyness, naivety, and maybe even asexuality. He’s smart and has a few social friends, so I don’t think it’s a mental handicap. However, I don’t feel right diagnosing him. I also don’t feel comfortable asking him. I’m starting to believe that I have to be domineering to get anything out of him, and I don’t want that.

I’m not sure what I want. I’ve never been attracted to anyone else other than him, and the prospect of ‘playing the field’ turns me off. I’d probably end up on eHarmony in this whole mess again.
I have a goal to live in Florida inevitably, if I can find a job there. He’s also mentioned he’d like to move to New York where I live, but I didn’t believe him. We’re both graduating college next year, so it’s really difficult to make any sort of assumptions about the future.

And I’ll try to develop my Fe more, but my honesty tends to get in the way. It doesn’t help that I’m a pessimist either. I’ve tried, and have gone so far as to cry over Skype in September. But I ended up feeling raw and embarrassed, and really didn’t want to do it again.

I know. It’s nothing I haven’t suggested before. I gave him the gift receipt and warrantee with the webcam, but in ten months he still hasn’t swapped it. I’ve stopped asking because it makes me too mad.
He might be getting a new laptop this Christmas, but I doubt it. The critical issue that I have right now is that I struggle to believe anything he says.

 

[technics]

I need to know if I should give him a chance and hold out, or end something that doesn’t seem to be working.

Meet and date first in the real world. You can't make long term decisions on zero facts. Online encounters don't really count as facts (even if it's years). After you've met and dated a few times, you two will have a better picture of each other.

I've been in regular contact with a penpal since 1992. We haven't met yet. We're only friends, no romantic aspects. I would never even entertain the idea that I know her fully.

 

[Dohavior]

If you’ll forgive me, that’s a bit excessive for my taste. I would not be able to be with someone who wants my attention every hour on the hour.
I’m also too blunt and tactless to try love letters. And given my reputation in writing it’s apt to read sarcastic.

He is indeed one to disappear when conflict arises. I’ve always found it one of his more distasteful traits. I’m a strong supporter of honesty and bravery, and I feel like I haven’t been getting much of that from him. Those don’t seem like adaptable characteristics, and would certainly cripple any relationship with him.

I snap pictures for my own purposes, amnesia is my greatest fear. To have something to share and allow others privy to such is seen as.... good? I think I just described Facebook in a nutshell, but that is more public domain.

That second paragraph expresses the problem in its entirety. Your intentions to meet him came about as a means to find closure in what he is keeping from you therefor the first impression will be malignant in nature. Its a train wreck waiting to happen. He isn't with holding anything from you. You speak to him twice a month of course there will be gaps, he's a changed man in that time span. More importantly these meetings are most likely synced to your menstrual cycle and you want a quick shag. Your feminine urges are your own desires, take responsibility for them.

I don't get it why do women hate on that catfish movie I've never seen it. It sounds cute a couple of young sexually confused girls admiring a fellow. Perhaps there is a nasty scene or such? Why does a guy have to want anything from a woman can't he just openly give out a compliment every now and then. <readies his gruff voice> "Damn that's a pretty heart shaped ass I know what I want for Valentine's Day tee hee" xD

 

[grt$5vb]

I would be direct. He isn't putting forth enough effort to meet your needs. I do not think hooking up a webcam and having an initial in person meeting is a lot to ask and I would be dying to meet you. Why isn't he...? I would prepare yourself to move on.

 

[Nekmunnit5725]

I snap pictures for my own purposes, amnesia is my greatest fear. To have something to share and allow others privy to such is seen as.... good? I think I just described Facebook in a nutshell, but that is more public domain.

That second paragraph expresses the problem in its entirety. Your intentions to meet him came about as a means to find closure in what he is keeping from you therefor the first impression will be malignant in nature. Its a train wreck waiting to happen. He isn't with holding anything from you. You speak to him twice a month of course there will be gaps, he's a changed man in that time span. More importantly these meetings are most likely synced to your menstrual cycle and you want a quick shag. Your feminine urges are your own desires, take responsibility for them.

I don't get it why do women hate on that catfish movie I've never seen it. It sounds cute a couple of young sexually confused girls admiring a fellow. Perhaps there is a nasty scene or such? Why does a guy have to want anything from a woman can't he just openly give out a compliment every now and then. <readies his gruff voice> "Damn that's a pretty heart shaped ass I know what I want for Valentine's Day tee hee" xD

“Catfish” is nothing of the sort. And if you want to comment on something I suggest you do your research. It’s about a young man who was penpals with a prodigy ‘little girl’ whom he bought artwork from. He wanted to meet the little girl, her sister he flirted with, and the entire family – only to find it was one 40 year old woman puppetting multiple facebook pages.
The series that followed allowed people who’d fallen in love online to meet their illusive companions – only to find they’ve either lied about who they are for personal satisfaction or financial gain. In two seasons I’ve only considered one couple an authentic happily ever after. The threat of being duped on the internet is very real, and needs to be addressed immediately.

My intentions to meet him were not to validate his identity. That didn’t occur until the first failed meet-up and webcam business. And scientifically there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to meet someone before coming to conclusions. We could have everything in common, but in person sensory experiences could throw all of that off. You’re ignorant if you think just ‘getting along’ keeps people together.

I’m aware of the menstrual cycle and probably know a lot more about it then you do. I hate to tell you buddy but there’s no such thing as a perfect woman. Adding an online relationship to already unstable hormone fluctuations is a horrible idea. You end up feeling unwanted and angry for two weeks and alone and helpless the other two. But I’m still trying. I’ve not waited over six years for a ‘quick shag’, so dismiss that thought immediately. I want a life partner, and I need to move on if I can’t find that in him. I’m not going to blame my own femininity for his lack of action.