[INFJ] On being emotionally guarded

[ThomasJ79]

I realize that there is a limit to how much ANYONE is willing to present to the outside world, but I often feel that too many people are too distrustful, don't want to talk about their feelings, make their emotions inaccessible, or fear getting close to others. If I really know someone well I am put off that they don't want to talk about their emotions with me, but I've come to understand through experience and typology that there are many different reasons why someone may not want to talk about their emotions and it has little to do with whether they like me or not. At the same time, very little bothers me more than when I know something is weighing heavily on someone I care about, or that they are upset with me, and don't want to talk about it. I feel it really impedes the relationship when this happens. Now I'm not talking about being completely open at all times, that would just be too much for me, and suffocating. People need time, and I get that, but I think a certain amount of openness in any good relationship is expected, a certain honesty with our emotions. I can't count the number of times I thought about friends or family that if they would just let their guard down a little, things could be deeper between us and our bond could be stronger than it is.

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

 

[say what]

Hmm...this is a very interesting topic!

I find that there's actually a mix of people in my life like this. I have some very close friends that are very open about their feelings- but I feel they're not as "impacted" by them as the people who don't open up...Impacted isn't the right word- but these open people seem to experience the emotion, and then let go of it quickly and recover.

I also think openness changes while you age. When you're younger, you tend to be open and can express yourself easily...when you get older, there's much more complications- such as being professional, understanding the implications to relationships, fear of not being able to recover from hurt, etc.

So, on one hand, I think your personality type as well as your age and other individual factors (e.g., difficult emotional times) influence your ability to open up.

On the other side of things....there is a new phenomena happening which suggests my two statements above are likely to change completely. The introduction to screen culture is hugely impacting our ability to develop social skills associated with empathy, emotional intelligence, and emotional communication. The new generation that has grown up in front of the tv, with cellphones, computers, tablets - etc are not scoring significantly lower on these constructs. Kids are not being able to understand how others feel, nor accurately articulate how they feel. Moreover, the physiological impact of being infront of a screen changes our neurochemisty. This means that as these children get older, the culture around emotional communication could change drastically from what we know.

We also have to consider how the screen culture has changed our own ability communication our emotions (as well as receive others).

 

[Solongo]

I realize that there is a limit to how much ANYONE is willing to present to the outside world, but I often feel that too many people are too distrustful, don't want to talk about their feelings, make their emotions inaccessible, or fear getting close to others. If I really know someone well I am put off that they don't want to talk about their emotions with me, but I've come to understand through experience and typology that there are many different reasons why someone may not want to talk about their emotions and it has little to do with whether they like me or not. At the same time, very little bothers me more than when I know something is weighing heavily on someone I care about, or that they are upset with me, and don't want to talk about it. I feel it really impedes the relationship when this happens. Now I'm not talking about being completely open at all times, that would just be too much for me, and suffocating. People need time, and I get that, but I think a certain amount of openness in any good relationship is expected, a certain honesty with our emotions. I can't count the number of times I thought about friends or family that if they would just let their guard down a little, things could be deeper between us and our bond could be stronger than it is.

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

I really think being emotionally expressive and letting our guards down is a learned environmental trait. Our very first lessons on expressing ourselves takes place with our parents and relatives. The early environment is crucial in setting the stage for emotional openness or lack of. Children are naturally expressive; but how that expression was nurtured or ignored can determine if the person will have open or closed emotional expression as an adult. I also think if we were emotionally wounded in those crucial self development stages as children than the reminder of the wound stays in the subconscious and can get triggered by outside events and things when we are adults. it's almost like a reflex. if a child was ignored, hit or ridiculed when expressing their feelings that child will simply learn to not do it again because the pain of rejection is enough to suppress our emotions. Pain and reward centers in children and adults work exactly the same way. Hence people really are what they were in kindergarden. Adulthood does not change these environmental factors unless the person decided to voluntarily work on being expressive because they see a benefit to it. Most often people who are naturally sensitive realize that emotional expression is important part of healing but not everyone will follow this suit because it usually always involves going back to the beginning where it all started.

Personally I have ironic relationships with people when it comes to emotional expression. In my younger years I had a habit of attracting friends and acquintances that shared similar emotional characteristics as my mother who was not emotionally expressive woman. So I would make attempts to open up emotionally to people who were incapable of understanding where I was coming from and in return this gave me a feeling that everybody was this way. But once I got older I realized my pattern I was reliving and started to become more selective about who I opened up to and who I kept at a distance. This could also be a self protecting mechanism because emotionally letting our guards down means that we are vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you feel like you could get hurt but thats only an illusion. I would say the biggest part of emotional vulnerability is also whether we are comfortable and allowing of our own emotions; as in do we know how to process and interpret our own emotions or do we simply suppress or shut down? So it is a very deep and personal thing.

 

[invisible]

ive found it increasingly difficult to trust people as ive gotten older. they use my trust as leverage to get things they want out of me. their demands are insatiable. im sick of being taken for granted and used. give them a cm and they take a km. im not necessarily a renewable resource. (im just talking about "IRL" here.)

 

[Skarekrow]

I don’t think I am emotionally guarded around my family and loved ones at all.
There are times when I may say “I don’t want to talk about it” because I may still be fuming or angry or disappointed about something, and just need time to settle down and process the info in my head...then I will talk to them.
At work, I am all business...I am not void of emotion, but I take on a professional persona.
I do not ever hang out with any co-workers (not that that has stopped them from asking)...most of them annoy me, perhaps I annoy them too...oh well...lol.
There is probably a subconscious part of me that remains guarded both with my loved ones and elsewhere...we probably all have that small guarded spot in our mind that maybe we keep guarded even from ourselves.

 

[DonTaushMe]

I realize that there is a limit to how much ANYONE is willing to present to the outside world, but I often feel that too many people are too distrustful, don't want to talk about their feelings, make their emotions inaccessible, or fear getting close to others. If I really know someone well I am put off that they don't want to talk about their emotions with me, but I've come to understand through experience and typology that there are many different reasons why someone may not want to talk about their emotions and it has little to do with whether they like me or not. At the same time, very little bothers me more than when I know something is weighing heavily on someone I care about, or that they are upset with me, and don't want to talk about it. I feel it really impedes the relationship when this happens. Now I'm not talking about being completely open at all times, that would just be too much for me, and suffocating. People need time, and I get that, but I think a certain amount of openness in any good relationship is expected, a certain honesty with our emotions. I can't count the number of times I thought about friends or family that if they would just let their guard down a little, things could be deeper between us and our bond could be stronger than it is.

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

I would say that I am the one who is too cold or guarded but then I read this what SayWhat said about her having friends that easily open up but there's really no emotional turmoil there, and I do that. I say things in a very nonchalant way as I have already spent hours thinking about it to the point of exhaustion and it just doesn't even matter what others think about it as I know what it means for myself.

Ask for friends I have had a lot of trouble when I see a friend who has been wronged and they tell me, I suppose in the same way I tell people horrible things that have happened to me -like it doesn't matter anymore- but it just happened to them and I'm not allowed to do anything, they're not allowing me. In the two instances that I can remember, my best friend that I had that I keep talking about was raped at a wedding rehearsal. It wasn't like, he forced her and beat her up, she was drunk and she said no and she couldn't move and she couldn't do anything. Now the second I said rape she shut down, did everything in her power to not think of it that way including trying to hurt me and it stressed our friendship so much so that we aren't friends anymore.

And the same thing happened with another really great friend that I had. She is a great person, thinks of herself very little. She got into a relationship with this woman who is all around pretty crazy, ended up that she became abusive. She told me what happened through Skype, and me with my expressive face she very quickly got off of Skype with me. She said I looked disappointed and she didn't want to see that, I said that this woman who ran her out beating her on her front lawn should be put in jail and kicked out of the military. We had a difference of opinion, to say the least, and we are no longer friends anymore either.

In both these cases it hurts me too much to think or see these people, who I think are amazing, think so little of themselves and more so think they deserve it. I have tried to be the seconds friend again many times and every time I die a little inside. Especially when she goes back with the abuser; she is with her now.

So yes, in every case where that kind of thing happens it usually is a pretty big thing and while I want to protect them, I want to at the least be in the same room with them comforting them, they aren't able; considering my reaction when they first tell me these things, I can't blame them really.

 

[Gaze]

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?


There are so many things for someone to consider including previous experiences to decide whether to be open. Many people do not have a positive experience with sharing. Some have had more than enough hurtful or painful situations with opening up to someone and being betrayed or receiving negative feedback so they become guarded to avoid placing themselves in those positions again. I think openness is important but with the right person at the right time. Not everyone is fair game. Some people are just not comfortable sharing. However, being available when someone does want to open up is good. I think it's important to have reciprocity. It's not good when only one person is opening up especially in a a close friendship or relationship. It can make the interaction or relationship seem one-sided.

 

[jimtaylor]

I've written enough times about this because I am one of those who is very guarded and have been since I was little. (Important distinction, I am focusing on in person interaction. Online is a little different) It has nothing to do with anybody and at the same time everything to do with other people. It is an insecurity about having those inner most feelings rejected, diminished and unvalued. I don't share because over the course of my life, sharing has been met with downright hostility and eventually it just became easier to keep it all in versus risking sharing it.

I know this prevents me from feeling close to other people and feeling a real connection with them and it's a vicious loop. People share with me so then I feel selfish and guilty if I then turn around and share something about myself, making it about me instead of listening and helping them through whatever they shared. So I never share, I'm never emotionally vulnerable in front of others and any time I have been, it is met with shock. Part of this is caused by the fact that I am so guarded so that when I finally do open up to someone they are so confused by me opening up, they don't know how to react. It is like they are upset to find out that I am actually human.

This constant response makes it not even worth trying because it makes it stressful. It's not a relief, it doesn't help me with my issues, it only makes everything worse when I open up. It's not worth it so I don't do it. Sure it's lonely but I would rather go through it alone than deal with being made to feel like shit for asking for help. Of course that is my pride and ego talking.
[MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION], I agree 100% about it being tied to how one was responded to as a child. I have had as much told to me by psychologists.

 

[Solongo]

I've written enough times about this because I am one of those who is very guarded and have been since I was little. (Important distinction, I am focusing on in person interaction. Online is a little different) It has nothing to do with anybody and at the same time everything to do with other people. It is an insecurity about having those inner most feelings rejected, diminished and unvalued. I don't share because over the course of my life, sharing has been met with downright hostility and eventually it just became easier to keep it all in versus risking sharing it.

I know this prevents me from feeling close to other people and feeling a real connection with them and it's a vicious loop. People share with me so then I feel selfish and guilty if I then turn around and share something about myself, making it about me instead of listening and helping them through whatever they shared. So I never share, I'm never emotionally vulnerable in front of others and any time I have been, it is met with shock. Part of this is caused by the fact that I am so guarded so that when I finally do open up to someone they are so confused by me opening up, they don't know how to react. It is like they are upset to find out that I am actually human.

This constant response makes it not even worth trying because it makes it stressful. It's not a relief, it doesn't help me with my issues, it only makes everything worse when I open up. It's not worth it so I don't do it. Sure it's lonely but I would rather go through it alone than deal with being made to feel like shit for asking for help. Of course that is my pride and ego talking.
@solongotgon , I agree 100% about it being tied to how one was responded to as a child. I have had as much told to me by psychologists.

I experienced similar feelings of rejection and not being understood. So instead of looking outside for meaningful connection and being dissapointed; I decided to develop a more accepting and richer relationship with my own self. This does not rule out the fact that I will still need emotional connection to others but I started to come to the realization that even if I was emotionally expressive and open; I will always have this level or standard of being understood. Like it is not enough to just be understood; but I have a high level of understanding that I require from others. This also led me to realize that the type of people who will get this will be rare and few. So I simply decided to channel these needs through writing and creating art. To share my point of view in a creative manner; to influence and connect through creative outlets instead of direct connection with people. As an INFJ the people that I did have deep, direct emotional connections with - I really stretched their level of comfort and understanding as well. So I like to think that we are more catalysts than anything and our efforts will be more appreciated if we focus on broader forms of reaching people.

 

[Akiko]

I'm definitely a very guarded person. Growing up, I was taught by my mom that expressing anything other than happiness was taboo. Even now, if she detects a slight trace of disappointment or irritation on my face, she'll tell me that I'm being a terrible daughter and I need to change the way I feel. I desperately want to able to open up to others, but the few times I have, I felt worse for it, not better. One of my close friends told me that since she can't do anything for me when I feel bad that I need to talk to someone else; that stung. The thought of opening up to others scares me, because I always subconsciously assume whoever I'm open with will end the relationship. I've gotten panic attacks at the very thought of being open. The inner conflict of wanting to be open versus the fear of rejection makes the problem that much worse.

Not to mention years of developing a poker face and keeping everything inside makes being honest with others that much more difficult. Also, I can't think of anyone in my life right now who I can trust with that level of communication. But that seems to have more to do with my mindset that anything else. I'm working hard at changing this part of me, but it's a difficult road.

All that said, I love it when other people open up to me and share their emotions. I love listening to others and helping them however I can, and knowing that they trust me is a big confidence boost. I suppose maybe the people who open up to me would be safe to open up to in return. Hmm...

 

[La Sagna]

When I was growing up my family was very emotionally expressive. I think this is more common in the French culture. We just let it all out and deal with the consequences after, and we expect people to do that so it's just a normal part of relationships. It can be alittle dramatic at times but it means less repressed feelings. I think that was a healthy way of growing up. I realized that my parents gave me a great gift in the way they raised me because It gave me a core of acceptance of myself and intrinsic self-esteem that I can see many people don't have. This means that even when I have been judged very harshly by others I never internalized it as 'true' about myself. I always knew that even if others couldn't see it that I was a decent and worthy person and my feelings were as valid as anybody else's.

That said, I have also been very sensitive to other people's emotions so that I needed them to be ok for me to feel ok. I don't think that came from outside, I think that's just part of my personality. With my dad I always felt that I could be completely open and nothing was ever a big deal. With my mom though I did feel that I had to be a little careful because she was good at doing the 'guilt game' so that if I had an issue with her she would always do the 'how could you...after everything I've done for you...' so I do think that I learned to keep things back from her if I thought it would hurt her feelings, but I could be open with her about other people or myself, just not about her.

Thing changed greatly though when I got pregnant when I was 18. My parents were pretty good overall so I am thankful to them, but I did feel that I had to take on a persona of a 'responsible adult' and 'perfect mother' from then on which meant that I had to bottle up any insecurities and look like I was in control and knew what I was doing all the time. My friends went on to their single lives and post-secondary education and I was now surrounded by much older people who seemed to have it all together. I was definitely judged very harshly even though I can say I did as good of a job as any them and better than some at being a good mom and responsible adult. It took me a long time to get over the feeling that everybody was judging me. I can say that this situation caused me to bottle up my feelings and not share them with anybody. I tried sharing them with my son's father but his whole family is just a big vat of repressed emotions drowned in alcohol or shared only in explosive anger and resentment, so that didn't work. He has never seen his mother cry in his whole life so when I cried it was just a 'manipulation tactic' to get at him. So that began my 20 or so years of keeping everything to myself. There's a whole bunch of other reasons but I've probably rattled on long enough.

In the last few years though I have been reversing that and I have been more and more open about myself with others. I have been sharing things that I never thought that I would and sometimes I worry that I reveal too much but it is very liberating. I feel that I'm just reverting to being myself and if anybody doesn't like me then they can move on. Overall I've had positive results from it. People know me better and I think like me better like this. I am still guarded with some people that I care about that I know can't handle my real thoughts and feelings. I am careful in general with other people's feelings so that is often taken into consideration when deciding what to share.

My dream would be to be with a person that I can be completely open and emotional with just like it was in my home when I was growing up.

 

[jimtaylor]

When I was growing up my family was very emotionally expressive. I think this is more common in the French culture. We just let it all out and deal with the consequences after, and we expect people to do that so it's just a normal part of relationships. It can be alittle dramatic at times but it means less repressed feelings. I think that was a healthy way of growing up. I realized that my parents gave me a great gift in the way they raised me because It gave me a core of acceptance of myself and intrinsic self-esteem that I can see many people don't have. This means that even when I have been judged very harshly by others I never internalized it as 'true' about myself. I always knew that even if others couldn't see it that I was a decent and worthy person and my feelings were as valid as anybody else's.

That said, I have also been very sensitive to other people's emotions so that I needed them to be ok for me to feel ok. I don't think that came from outside, I think that's just part of my personality. With my dad I always felt that I could be completely open and nothing was ever a big deal. With my mom though I did feel that I had to be a little careful because she was good at doing the 'guilt game' so that if I had an issue with her she would always do the 'how could you...after everything I've done for you...' so I do think that I learned to keep things back from her if I thought it would hurt her feelings, but I could be open with her about other people or myself, just not about her.

Thing changed greatly though when I got pregnant when I was 18. My parents were pretty good overall so I am thankful to them, but I did feel that I had to take on a persona of a 'responsible adult' and 'perfect mother' from then on which meant that I had to bottle up any insecurities and look like I was in control and knew what I was doing all the time. My friends went on to their single lives and post-secondary education and I was now surrounded by much older people who seemed to have it all together. I was definitely judged very harshly even though I can say I did as good of a job as any them and better than some at being a good mom and responsible adult. It took me a long time to get over the feeling that everybody was judging me. I can say that this situation caused me to bottle up my feelings and not share them with anybody. I tried sharing them with my son's father but his whole family is just a big vat of repressed emotions drowned in alcohol or shared only in explosive anger and resentment, so that didn't work. He has never seen his mother cry in his whole life so when I cried it was just a 'manipulation tactic' to get at him. So that began my 20 or so years of keeping everything to myself. There's a whole bunch of other reasons but I've probably rattled on long enough.

In the last few years though I have been reversing that and I have been more and more open about myself with others. I have been sharing things that I never thought that I would and sometimes I worry that I reveal too much but it is very liberating. I feel that I'm just reverting to being myself and if anybody doesn't like me then they can move on. Overall I've had positive results from it. People know me better and I think like me better like this. I am still guarded with some people that I care about that I know can't handle my real thoughts and feelings. I am careful in general with other people's feelings so that is often taken into consideration when deciding what to share.

My dream would be to be with a person that I can be completely open and emotional with just like it was in my home when I was growing up.

It sounds like you had pretty amazing parents! I am sorry though about your experience with your child’s father. I think that is rather unfortunate and is pretty much how I grew up. It can do a lot of damage to people and sadly it doesn’t help much knowing that those actions are a reflection of that other persons insecurity. Even though I am guarded with my own emotions, I don’t think anybody else’s emotions are anything but genuine. Well except my mom who does loves to use emotions to manipulate people to get her way. She is an outlier though and loves playing the victim to get her way.

 

[jimtaylor]

I experienced similar feelings of rejection and not being understood. So instead of looking outside for meaningful connection and being dissapointed; I decided to develop a more accepting and richer relationship with my own self. This does not rule out the fact that I will still need emotional connection to others but I started to come to the realization that even if I was emotionally expressive and open; I will always have this level or standard of being understood. Like it is not enough to just be understood; but I have a high level of understanding that I require from others. This also led me to realize that the type of people who will get this will be rare and few. So I simply decided to channel these needs through writing and creating art. To share my point of view in a creative manner; to influence and connect through creative outlets instead of direct connection with people. As an INFJ the people that I did have deep, direct emotional connections with - I really stretched their level of comfort and understanding as well. So I like to think that we are more catalysts than anything and our efforts will be more appreciated if we focus on broader forms of reaching people.

I get what you are saying, especially the part about being understood. For some of my siblings they don’t care if they are understood they just want it to be known how they are feeling. They will shout it to the world just to make sure the world knows they are angry, happy, upset, etc… They want to be heard, not understood. Big difference.

I also get what you are saying about the creative side which is why I say there is a difference from in person and online. If I am writing, I can easily express myself. In fact it is scary how easy it can come and it helps 100 times more than talking about it. I would rather write a theoretical post about how emotions work than talk to someone about what I am thinking. It comes so much more natural writing about it. It’s more intimate and more real for me.

 

[La Sagna]

It sounds like you had pretty amazing parents! I am sorry though about your experience with your child’s father. I think that is rather unfortunate and is pretty much how I grew up. It can do a lot of damage to people and sadly it doesn’t help much knowing that those actions are a reflection of that other persons insecurity. Even though I am guarded with my own emotions, I don’t think anybody else’s emotions are anything but genuine. Well except my mom who does loves to use emotions to manipulate people to get her way. She is an outlier though and loves playing the victim to get her way.

I did have amazing parents. Unfortunately being very emotional people can also have its downfall. When my mom died my dad became a whole new person and we are no longer close. I think he associates my brothers and I with his time with my mom and he can't really handle it so he is distant and not there for us anymore. He has a pretty good life, travelling, remarried but he's closer to his wife's family than to his own now. I don't feel that I can be open with him because I want to protect him. It's not easy but he's been through enough and he's entitled to choose whatever life suits him.

 

[Akiko]

So I simply decided to channel these needs through writing and creating art. To share my point of view in a creative manner; to influence and connect through creative outlets instead of direct connection with people. As an INFJ the people that I did have deep, direct emotional connections with - I really stretched their level of comfort and understanding as well. So I like to think that we are more catalysts than anything and our efforts will be more appreciated if we focus on broader forms of reaching people.

I also get what you are saying about the creative side which is why I say there is a difference from in person and online. If I am writing, I can easily express myself. In fact it is scary how easy it can come and it helps 100 times more than talking about it. I would rather write a theoretical post about how emotions work than talk to someone about what I am thinking. It comes so much more natural writing about it. It’s more intimate and more real for me.

That's so true! I also think the anonymous nature of the internet helps. It's very freeing being able to write out one's feelings without fear of losing someone, and writing also helps my thoughts become more organized. I think that's the way for a lot if INFJs; writing is just more natural (and much less awkward). Using other art forms, such as drawing or music, also helps me a lot. Not to mention other people can relate to the ideas and feelings expressed through various art forms.

 

[Kgal]

I realize that there is a limit to how much ANYONE is willing to present to the outside world, but I often feel that too many people are too distrustful, don't want to talk about their feelings, make their emotions inaccessible, or fear getting close to others. If I really know someone well I am put off that they don't want to talk about their emotions with me, but I've come to understand through experience and typology that there are many different reasons why someone may not want to talk about their emotions and it has little to do with whether they like me or not. At the same time, very little bothers me more than when I know something is weighing heavily on someone I care about, or that they are upset with me, and don't want to talk about it. I feel it really impedes the relationship when this happens. Now I'm not talking about being completely open at all times, that would just be too much for me, and suffocating. People need time, and I get that, but I think a certain amount of openness in any good relationship is expected, a certain honesty with our emotions. I can't count the number of times I thought about friends or family that if they would just let their guard down a little, things could be deeper between us and our bond could be stronger than it is.

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

My answer would include pretty much what everyone else has written.
I was taught not to express any emotions other than happiness.
Because I was so sad inside at not being able to express my true nature - I attracted all sorts of people who needed someone to listen to them in their vulnerability. I never found much opportunity to be heard when I was in a vulnerable state. For example during my early teen years my horse was my confidante'.
As others have said when I did find opportunities to express my true nature and be vulnerable people didn't react in a way that made me feel validated and understood. Over the years I gave up. It wasn't until I found this forum that I began to express myself again. I have learned a lot here.

Then one day it finally penetrated my thick skull that the road to happiness was expressing myself - whether I had a willing audience or not. I too began to seek validation within and nurture the love of self by my Self. Ironically this has allowed me to open up more and more to others and I'm actually - truly - happy.

When other people do not share their emotions with me - and I know there is turmoil roiling underneath their surface - I send them love from my heart - and walk away. Knowing that others have their own path to walk - that they are Sovereign beings - allows me to do this more easily now than it was for me a few years ago.

You see - I believe INFJs can sense those energies even though the other person thinks they are hiding it from us. That is societal conditioning. "Put on a happy face smile...grin and bear it...don't let them see you sweat"... all of these endless sayings tell us to not let others see our true selves. Part of your discomfort comes from the fact you know they are upset even while they're smiling. It's like we're being lied to. Right?

I never did like lying....

 

[La Sagna]

I have a question for the many of you who have stated that you are very guarded because you don't trust others with your feelings. What would it take from somebody to make you feel comfortable enought to let yourself be open and unguarded? Many seem to wish that you could have more open communications with someone so I'm wondering what it is that you need from the other person to feel you can trust them?

 

[Solongo]

I get what you are saying, especially the part about being understood. For some of my siblings they don’t care if they are understood they just want it to be known how they are feeling. They will shout it to the world just to make sure the world knows they are angry, happy, upset, etc… They want to be heard, not understood. Big difference.

I also get what you are saying about the creative side which is why I say there is a difference from in person and online. If I am writing, I can easily express myself. In fact it is scary how easy it can come and it helps 100 times more than talking about it. I would rather write a theoretical post about how emotions work than talk to someone about what I am thinking. It comes so much more natural writing about it. It’s more intimate and more real for me.

INFJs are natural writers and its the mode of sharing with others. I like to move away from feeling inadequate that I maynot be so expressive in person and just focus on writing as a way to teach and inspire. People tell me that I should be a teacher but I really couldn't see myself being a traditional type of teacher being in front of everyone and teaching by speaking. I became more conscious that it is better to teach through a modality that we personally resonate with and we have to accept that it does not mean that writing is an inferior way of sharing and expressing. Mozart wouldn't be who he is to us if he did not share himself through beautiful and complex music. He did not go and try to develop a weaker aspect of himself; instead just accepted what came naturally to him and mastered it. I think INFJs should dot he same and not question but to just accept our natural tendencies and modes of expression.

 

[jimtaylor]

I have a question for the many of you who have stated that you are very guarded because you don't trust others with your feelings. What would it take from somebody to make you feel comfortable enought to let yourself be open and unguarded? Many seem to wish that you could have more open communications with someone so I'm wondering what it is that you need from the other person to feel you can trust them?

Them asking in the right moment and not expecting anything or getting upset if I choose not to. Also them controlling their emotions a little bit. If I start telling them some of what I am feeling, it is distracting if they start crying and being over bearing because then I feel the need to stop and take care of them.

 

[La Sagna]

Also them controlling their emotions a little bit. If I start telling them some of what I am feeling, it is distracting if they start crying and being over bearing because then I feel the need to stop and take care of them.

I can totally relate to that. I have a friend who tells me all her troubles which I am willing to listen to but when I have started telling her some of mine her eyes start welling up and I feel that I have to stop because I don't want to upset her. So it's not that she would not be willing to listen to me or be supportive, it's just that I can't handle upsetting her.