Old love resurfacing

[Erlian]

Have you ever had this happen?
You liked/loved someone for a time, either from a distance, when dating or when in a relationship, then for some reason it didn't continue and you got distanced from the person. At first you still thought of this person regulary, but as time passed and as you never encountered this person the love faded. Then a few months later it suddenly surfaces again while remaining at distance from that person (not encountering him/her in any way).

If anyone has experienced this, do you know in hindsight why it happened?

 

[Reanbell]

This happened to me on several occasions with one particular person. I think it's because I was in that stage where I thought the memories were still the present. I had to take some time realizing the person from my memories was not the present day version. Also, the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" has some truth to it. You start missing someone you care about more and more the longer you are apart. What helps in this situation is just as I said... you broke up for a reason. You're not together for a reason. Realize those reasons.

 

[Erlian]

This happened to me on several occasions with one particular person. I think it's because I was in that stage where I thought the memories were still the present. I had to take some time realizing the person from my memories was not the present day version. Also, the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" has some truth to it. You start missing someone you care about more and more the longer you are apart. What helps in this situation is just as I said... you broke up for a reason. You're not together for a reason. Realize those reasons.

Thanks for the reply. Good to know that it's not uncommon.
We broke up for logistical reasons that will be solved in 6 months. Technically we could continue dating in 6 months.
There are also a few other reasons why we don't match perfectly, but those are easily marginalised in my mind.

 

[HunterO]

Thanks for the reply. Good to know that it's not uncommon.
We broke up for logistical reasons that will be solved in 6 months. Technically we could continue dating in 6 months.
There are also a few other reasons why we don't match perfectly, but those are easily marginalised in my mind.

May I ask what are these reasons?

 

[Erlian]

May I ask what are these reasons?

The one she used at the break-up talk was that I was immensely into discussion (I am) and she doesn't really like that. It's true. We don't match on that point.
However my discussion need never really surfaced when we were together, I already knew she wouldn't be into that.
She knows that I like discussion because I told her so and because we did a D&D session together where she complained that we should discuss less and do more as a group. I and the experienced D&D guy disagreed, saying that it was an important aspect of D&D to discuss. She clearly didn't like that.
I think I can contain my discussion need when with her. It'll obviously cause some problems if we are together, but they can be overcome. I know very well how to politely discuss and bring critique. At some point I told her I always give unsollicited advice and she said she wouldn't really like that. Then I gave an example of sugar-coated advice and she agreed that that was alright.
After the talk I asked her if she would like meeting up again after the 6 months (the main reason for the break up). She said that was still too far away to tell, but agreed that if the logistical problems weren't there, she wouldn't have broken up.

The other issue is something that started the same day but after the break-up talk. I saw her smoking (for what I know her first cigarette) and it broke me. I'm quite emotionally against smoking, so seeing a girl I love doing something I'm extremely disgusted by breaks me. But we already broke up, so I moved on. The vision of her smoking haunted me for a few days though.
About a month later I learned from a mutual friend that she started smoking... I was silent for a while. I planned on texting her that I wouldn't be interested in seeing her again unless she stopped smoking. I waited with it for a confirmation that she really picked up smoking. The confirmation never came though.
One of her good friends smokes and she with all her Fe probably joined in just to belong. I can understand that, but she better not keep going with it.

Currently the plan is to just ask her for a casual date when I return to town in six months. See if she still smokes, see if she maybe found a different guy and see if she's still interested in continuing. This was basically my plan all along. But I managed to get her out of my head, tried dating others (failed due to various reasons). But now she returns in my head. I found myself reading our old texts when everything was going well etc...

I know she was really into me, because different and seperate mutual friends told me she was REALLY worried by the fact that I would move out of town for 6 months. It bugged her for a few weeks, until she finally ended it. I planned to confront her about it and talk about her worries, but didn't get the chance.

 

[HunterO]

The one she used at the break-up talk was that I was immensely into discussion (I am) and she doesn't really like that. It's true. We don't match on that point.
However my discussion need never really surfaced when we were together, I already knew she wouldn't be into that.
She knows that I like discussion because I told her so and because we did a D&D session together where she complained that we should discuss less and do more as a group. I and the experienced D&D guy disagreed, saying that it was an important aspect of D&D to discuss. She clearly didn't like that.
I think I can contain my discussion need when with her. It'll obviously cause some problems if we are together, but they can be overcome. I know very well how to politely discuss and bring critique. At some point I told her I always give unsollicited advice and she said she wouldn't really like that. Then I gave an example of sugar-coated advice and she agreed that that was alright.
After the talk I asked her if she would like meeting up again after the 6 months (the main reason for the break up). She said that was still too far away to tell, but agreed that if the logistical problems weren't there, she wouldn't have broken up.

The other issue is something that started the same day but after the break-up talk. I saw her smoking (for what I know her first cigarette) and it broke me. I'm quite emotionally against smoking, so seeing a girl I love doing something I'm extremely disgusted by breaks me. But we already broke up, so I moved on. The vision of her smoking haunted me for a few days though.
About a month later I learned from a mutual friend that she started smoking... I was silent for a while. I planned on texting her that I wouldn't be interested in seeing her again unless she stopped smoking. I waited with it for a confirmation that she really picked up smoking. The confirmation never came though.
One of her good friends smokes and she with all her Fe probably joined in just to belong. I can understand that, but she better not keep going with it.

Currently the plan is to just ask her for a casual date when I return to town in six months. See if she still smokes, see if she maybe found a different guy and see if she's still interested in continuing. This was basically my plan all along. But I managed to get her out of my head, tried dating others (failed due to various reasons). But now she returns in my head. I found myself reading our old texts when everything was going well etc...

I know she was really into me, because different and seperate mutual friends told me she was REALLY worried by the fact that I would move out of town for 6 months. It bugged her for a few weeks, until she finally ended it. I planned to confront her about it and talk about her worries, but didn't get the chance.

I have a hard time following...is she a coworker? And what were the reasons why you moved away for 6 months? Breaking up because of a dislike of having discussions seems rather... I dunno...extremely picky? Not everyone likes discussions, no one is forcing each other to have discussions. Perhaps the two of you have listening/ communication complications?

 

[Erlian]

She is a student like me. We know each other because she lives in the same student housing complex as I do and I know a few of her flatmates.
I'm going on an exchange to an university abroad, which I planned way before I met her.
She didn't break up because of the discussions, it felt more like it's something she used to rationalise her decision to break up. And it's true that we don't match on that part. I like discussing every tidbit and she doesn't, but it never caused any issues so far. But like I said, she said she would've continued with me if I wasn't going on exchange.
We don't really have any issues in communication or haven't encountered them, we were only dating for two months or so. Not intensely either. She has ADD btw, but I think that's quite cute for some part.

 

[Scientia]

I have not had this happen but there is a certain element of fantasy to what you see in her. I can see where she is coming from with the discussion thing - my SO talks and talks sometimes and it can be somewhat annoying if you have been waiting for five minutes just to say one sentence.
I say wait and see.

 

[HunterO]

She is a student like me. We know each other because she lives in the same student housing complex as I do and I know a few of her flatmates.
I'm going on an exchange to an university abroad, which I planned way before I met her.
She didn't break up because of the discussions, it felt more like it's something she used to rationalise her decision to break up. And it's true that we don't match on that part. I like discussing every tidbit and she doesn't, but it never caused any issues so far. But like I said, she said she would've continued with me if I wasn't going on exchange.
We don't really have any issues in communication or haven't encountered them, we were only dating for two months or so. Not intensely either. She has ADD btw, but I think that's quite cute for some part.

Have you considered that perhaps on your abroad trip that you might meet someone else? I think it's foolish to think you can simply come back to her after 6 months and continue your relationship with no contact.

It is more likely that whilst you are studying abroad, you are going to meet someone completely new and start a new era of your life. Quite frankly, these uni relationships do not last. I think instead of thinking you're going to go back to this ISFJ girl, you should consider your primary objectives and what you intend to accomplish at the study abroad programme. I can almost guarantee you that in the 6 months you are there, that there will be a new person who catches your eye.

 

[Erlian]

I say wait and see.

That's the plan...
I hate waiting.

Have you considered that perhaps on your abroad trip that you might meet someone else? I think it's foolish to think you can simply come back to her after 6 months and continue your relationship with no contact.

It is more likely that whilst you are studying abroad, you are going to meet someone completely new and start a new era of your life. Quite frankly, these uni relationships do not last. I think instead of thinking you're going to go back to this ISFJ girl, you should consider your primary objectives and what you intend to accomplish at the study abroad programme. I can almost guarantee you that in the 6 months you are there, that there will be a new person who catches your eye.

Totally, but I can hardly fantasise about girls I haven't met, can I?
I know I'm going to meet girls there. I know I'm going to try!
The next 6 months are just blank and grey in my "to-plan" mind. I have no clue what's going to happen, except the boring study work. I'm sure lots of exciting stuff is going to happen, but I don't know it yet. So my ever-planning mind moves to plan stuff for when I return, because that's stuff I know about.