Not trusting kind gestures and people: sign of infj personality?

[Artemisia]

I used to be very trusting of people for most of my life and believed that people were kind to me or did things to help me out of the goodness of their hearts. Lately however, as I have begun to love myself more, I have become suspicious of every kind gesture. My default mode is to think "what's in it for them"?

I am worried that I am becoming increasingly cynical, but where is the line between cynicism, realism, and being naive? I do wonder if INFJs tend to become untrustworthy as they age (I am only 33). What do you say?

 

[Sinny]

I think cynicism increases in most people as they age, as we become more aware of the faults in the world, the faults in others and the faults in ourselves.

I don't think it has anything to do with type, really.

 

[Siimplicity]

If anything, I try to promote kind gestures in people, inspire trust and kindness -- for the sake of harmony. I become cynical and frustrated when I witness opportunistic or other unkind behavior. That's my INFJ idealism at work there.

When I witness kindness, I bask in it =)

 

[Bellosome]

I was thinking the same thing. I always question the genuinity of the kindness of people. But lately, a friend has been helping me to accept everything as it is and not think of it too much.

As for me, my circle has been annoyed at me for being too nice and good. Eh.

 

[invisible]

Yeah, I'd say that I have become a lot less trusting of people over time. They screw you and screw you. I like to think I can tell when someone is basically trustworthy though. I think that I can't help getting burned occasionally, humans are cooperative creatures who do things for each other in exchange economies. And does pure altruism ever really exist? Maybe it does, but it's so difficult to know whether it does or not that it's a matter of belief that isn't necessarily useful for practical purposes. Humans can be selfish and grasping, but they're not all bad.

 

[Scientia]

I have always, from the age of 3, been suspicious of anyone who tries to help me without really knowing me. I don't think that's a bad thing. It's self preservation.

 

[Night Owl]

As a proverb puts it: "Be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves." In other words, one can be shrewd: sharp-witted and exercise keen discernment in regards to those one encounters - weighing whether their motives are good or bad - if there's a green light to relax around them and trust them; if an amber light to keep one's wits locked and loaded, somewhat relaxing but remaining vigilant, at the end of one's chair ready to jump; or a red light to be as sharp as a hawk and run for the hills ASAP.

Yet at the same time, one can be innocent: by avoiding to make judgement calls on any given person as being 'bad' because of what one perceives as 'bad motives', or signs that they are unreliable, untrustworthy, etc., making a distinction between 'bad motives' and the person - so that it's a person with 'bad motives', as opposed to 'a bad person'. Such innocence also reminds me of children, who are usually very trusting of anyone (@Scientia you sound like a rare child! ). Hence innocence can be associated with a kind of trust. Such trust and openness, is essential for healthy and deep interpersonal relationships to unfold. Thus perhaps after exercising our role as a serpent, we can then slowly ease ourselves into the role of the dove. This is the opposite of naivete, it's trusting after discerning.

Both roles need must go hand in hand, lest being only a serpent we become cynics - skeptical for the sake of it, almost misanthropes. Or lest by being only doves, we become naive push-overs who are easily manipulated and exploited.

With some people one can play the dove almost immediately. It's rare, but refreshing.

It's fairly clear that certain personality types are more naturally skilled in being serpents, some as doves; and more aptly, there's certain dimensions of being a serpent or dove that different 'types' are more naturally proficient at. INFJ's are quite proficient at being serpents - discerning the motives of others; and they can be very dove-like (open and trusting), yet with themselves and after that with select individuals; the quality of doveness does not come too natural when dealing with people in general - at least in my view - and this is something that can be developed through trying to see the good in others; so long as the serpent isn't thrown in the bin, but is brought to play side by side with the dove.

I think I just vomited a little from the mild triteness I employed above. Ah well

 

[aeon]

I started out in life experiencing some really bad shit.

So for me, I have been on a constant upward swing...as time goes by, I trust people more and more than I ever did.

One way to trust people is to accept them as they are and not place expectations on them.

Also, almost universally, people act in their own self-interest, even when it seems otherwise. I guess that makes me a cynic.

For the most part, I take people at face value and don’t waste time or energy thinking too much about motive.

As a result, I’m probably a sucker, too.

Life has made me jaded.

Despite all that, I still place a high value on being kind, and making kind gestures with no expectation of return.

And maybe I do it for selfish reasons, because it feels good, and because I like to see people smile. I own that.


Cheers,
Ian

 

[Ryso89]

I accept kind of gestures and always reciprocate, e.g., saying thank you, opening doors for strangers, etc. Common courtesy and respect, as far as it's concerned. It's just how I do things.

However, I'm pretty jaded, especially with young, attractive women. I won't trust any of them until I carefully observe their actions / character over a certain length of time. I've met too many manipulative / narcissistic / ego driven bitches.