Not capable of falling in love... (Long read) | INFJ Forum

Not capable of falling in love... (Long read)

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Kero, Dec 19, 2009.

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  1. Kero

    Kero Newbie

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    I've been reflecting a little on my past relationships, and I'm afraid that there might be a trend in how I felt towards my old friend and my new friend who has expressed interest in me. To elaborate...

    There was a girl (INFJ) that I had interacted online for almost 5 years. Within the first year, we both quickly realised that we had things in common and we both really liked each others company. However nobody spoke about the feelings since we both lived so far away from each other. It wasn't until the third year that she couldn't take it anymore and confessed that she liked me. I quickly replied back that I liked her, and that I was aware of the fact that she had liked me for a while now. From that point onwards, we'd sometime talk about meeting up together, how much she had an impact on my life and how I'd travel across the sea to be with her after I had finished university. The problem was that even though I liked her, it always felt like her emotions towards me were much stronger. It's very possible that they were different. When she ended things with me, suggesting that we should stick to being friends. I was devastated. There was the whole low sinking feeling within me, where I couldn't cry at all since I honestly wanted to have a connection with her.

    Looking back on the whole thing. I'm not entirely sure what I felt towards her especially since we had such a close connection. If someone were to ask me, I'd say that I loved her enough to want to be around her forever, and be in a relationship with her. Yet at the same time, maybe the truth was that I was never in love with her? Confusing since that would suggest that my feelings towards her were purely platonic, but it doesn't feel like that was the case.

    Fast forward time. Recently a new girl (ESFP) has started expressing interest in me. Unfortunately I'm wary of going through the same cycle again especially since did not work out last time, leaving the other INFJ heartbroken. I'm drawn to the ESFP slightly even though she's different to what I'd usually be attracted. So I decided to give us both the opportunity of getting to know each other better and to see how I'd feel about being in a relationship with her. But am I just repeating myself? Liking someone enough to be in a happy relationship, but never falling in love with them.

    It does make me think that I look for emotional connections with people, but while I can love someone lots, maybe I'm just not the sort of person that falls in love with people. It's possible that I just haven't met the right person to make me crash straight away, but I don't get the impression that will happen.


     
  2. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    *weeps in her hands* Why do all INFJ males fail to believe in love...It breaks my fragile little heart every time...:(

    Love is real it exists and its out there...Its illusive, and trixy...but its real...True love rarer still...but having found true love and lost...I know its out there! PLEASE dont give up...And..dating is fine...get to know them...but at some point you have to be honest with yourself when your not connecting to her. There will be a connection...a deep seeded deep in your soul connection...
     
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  3. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Hi kero,

    I don't know what to say. Just i am sorry for you. But seriously ONLINE CLOSE RELATIONSHIP IS RISKY FOR ANYONE. ANYONE CAN DO ANYTHING. I just make friends online, but will never try to fall in love with anyone.


     
  4. OP
    Kero

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    Oh. I do experience love for this INFJ. It's just that it doesn't seem like the sort of love that you describe in your post. I get the feeling the longer I know this ESFP, the more I'll probably grow attached to her and love her, but while it might not be purely platonic love, it seems like it might not be the fall in love type either.

    Maybe I'm just too closed off to love.
     
  5. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    I did not mean to insinuate that you didnt feel love...we all do on some level...but so many INFJ males have a really hard time with romantic love...they know they want it...but always feel it is unattainable...all I have to say is women out there dont know what they are missing!

    I dont mean it to sound harsh...Im not trying to place blame or...hurt feelings...Its just I see it all the time...and you INFJ males have such amazing hearts and souls and women always seem to break you...

    Forgive the generalization...it just makes me sad...
     
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  6. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Me too sorry if i made you feel bad. Just i am trying to help you. :(
     
  7. OP
    Kero

    Kero Newbie

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    Don't worry about it too much. ^-^;

    I didn't take any offence and didn't intend on my message coming across harshly. It was just me honestly trying to understand my own feelings and the different varieties of love that exists. It's kind of confusing.
     
  8. Isis

    Isis Community Member

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    I can relate. More than you'll ever know. I've never really loved anybody and I know that I am holding back a lot but I still haven't lost the hope. You shouldn't either. I've gone through all that thinking about that there's something wrong with me and love just isn't meant for me and it's never going to happen. But thinking negatively about it is not going to help. All I can do is try to stay positive and feel good about myself and enjoy life even if I'm not in love with anybody at the moment.

    I think that while you might want to really fall in love, I mean REALLY, you're subconsciously holding back because you're just not ready for it. And as you said, it could be because you haven't met the right person yet.

    Sometimes the crashing just doesn't happen. And even if it does, it can fade just as fast. So, that shouldn't be the end goal. Sometimes love just creeps slowly in and possibly it stays. :) You're very young, you shouldn't really worry about it. I know that's easier said than done, but you can't force it and obsessing about it (I'm not saying that you are) is not going to help. Enjoy talking to people, spending time with them and getting to know them without focusing so much on the feelings and expectations. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect them to.
     
  9. Gaze

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    I think i can relate somewhat. When you feel a strong emotional connection with someone, it can feel as if you are in love with them, although you may not be. But it's hard to know especially if you're someone who feels deeply and strongly. In other words, when you love, you don't hold back, so sometimes it may feel as if your feelings of deep, thoughtful, intense connection is true love. It's a beautiful thing when you can give yourself so completely to someone without holding back, but it can also be difficult to how to move forward when what you may be feeling is not clear and confusing. I don't know what to say. I'm somewhat similar in that i can feel strongly for someone but later realize that what i felt was not love, just an intense attraction coupled with a belief in committment.

    But, i don't think the issue is that you are incapable of falling in love. I think it's that you love completely, without being "in love." You can move from love to "in love" with the right person, if you both feel strongly enough. Who knows, just wait and see.
     
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    #9 Gaze, Dec 19, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2009
  10. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

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    In my opinion, falling in love online doesn't feel right, because you don't know if you've fallen in love with an illusion of someone or who they really are. For example, I'm super talkative online, but in person, after the first 5 minutes, not so much. My bf and I met online, and he told me he loved me before we ever met. At the time I was super uncomfortable, because I kept thinking "he doesn't know me - he knows who I am online, and it's not the same." When we met in person finally, it really was love, and that made me feel wonderful. He accepts that I express myself better in writing than in actually talking. I accept that he's a lovely person who feels deeply and quickly - it's just great in all ways.

    I have also spent time in the past, wondering if I could even fall in love. The thing is, when you least feel like you can, love will sneak it's way into you, and you will fall whether you are ready to or not. So, my advice, for what it's worth, is to be patient and to not be so hard on yourself. It will happen, just not in a way you can be prepared for.
     
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    #10 Moxie, Dec 19, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2009
  11. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I used to think I wasn't capable of falling in love. I still think it's difficult for me, and I rarely "crush" on anyone. However, I do have a tendency to become very attached to a person when their personality is just right -- usually, though, it can't work out.

    Online relationships are difficult, because they really lack that human element -- try it out in real life, and let it flow naturally. You'll know if love is possible when the possibility of not being with the person arises -- pain is part of love in a lot of ways, as is joy. At least, that's what my experiences have told me; I still think that love is something you have to come to understand yourself, though.
     
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  12. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I think that you should give the ESFP 100% of your effort. The circumstances are different, and she is going to perceive things very differently from the INFJ, not as deeply either.

    I've had a hard time with love. I've never been in love, and my last relationship put me into a similar mindset that you have now (it was a very short relationship, less than 2 weeks).

    INFJ men tend to seek deep emotional bonds (so do INFJ women). However, you can be extremely emotionally attached to someone, yet still not really know the person, be comfortable around the person, or be in love with the person. I think that to be in love with someone, it requires more than just emotional attachment. I think that you have to lust after them as well.

    If you're like me, then you separate emotional attachment and lust to a significant degree, and it is difficult to reconcile to two in order to "fall in love". Jean-Paul Sartre held that we are responsible for who we fall in love with and who we are sexually attracted to. While I don't agree with the latter part (he tried to become gay, but I don't think you can do that if you're born straight), I do see where he was going with the idea that we are responsible for who we fall in love with. I've read that he was INFJ or INTJ, but in either case, the problem might be that INFJ men really do have to make the decision to fall in love if they separate lust from emotional attachment.

    I also don't think that many women are comfortable with or even want a guy who is "touchy-feely" (typical INFJ male). It makes "love" much more difficult because INFJ males, assuming they're like what I've observed on this board and in myself, place intimacy above sex (not to say that sex is not extremely important).
     
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