Need crowdsourcing for help with an ENFP Female! | INFJ Forum

Need crowdsourcing for help with an ENFP Female!


Feb 13, 2012
I've NEVER does this before under any circumstance, under any context, and just the fact that i am reaching out in this manner should underline the fact that this is a situation I cannot resolve myself, but am looking to the crowd-sourcing knowledge of this group for some help....

in a nutshell... I've (male INFJ) recently reconnected with a brilliant ENFP female that has completely enraptured my time and feelings in less that a month... the first time we were together (years ago), we were intimate... but it was short-lived and simply a matter of physical attraction.... we both moved on... and reconnected as friends recently...

The new friendship was incredibly deep with long, heartfelt talks about life, heartache and love... future and past ...crying and condolences, and where we are now... and returned to the intimacy of a few years ago.... but then she recently pulled away completely under the guise of "work" and turned into a shell of her self from the uber-talkative... to barely connecting on anything more than the occasional txt message and brief phone conversations about work with me (a work that consumes her life)....

it's been a month since the pushback.... and we have slowly gotten to a point where things are a little more friendly and we are talking on the phone/txting about things more than work... and i will be seeing her next week for the first time at her place alone in almost a month....

But is it normal for them to retreat so severely? she also claims to have not gotten over a long-term relationship that she finally broke up over a year ago... that went on for almost 2 years too long.... what do i do to not pressure her into staying... while not letting her stray to far away to lose her again?

Thank guys!
Not an INFJ but an INTJ here.

I would say that you should own your own anxiety and not push it onto her. Sounds like she is being honest with you and you were respectful of that but have hid your anxiety about that from her or downplayed it. I don't think you have done anything "wrong" but you might want to re-evaluate your need to be clingy and totally enthralled with someone and manage your anxiety a little better.
Not sure if "clingy" is the word i would have used... but i see your point.... and being totally enthralled isn't a bad thing... i like being head over heels... as most people do not impress me....she is amazing and deserves the attention.... she has her flaws, but I've never had someone move me to my core like this (and I am not a young guy/inexperienced) ... it is her in fact that introduced me to the whole MBTI system...
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Nobody want to hear that they are being "clingy" but I could sense the static from where I was at.... LOL

I'm sure it is great to have all those wonderful feelings for her but it sounds like she is giving you clues that you are either moving too fast, coming on strong or she needs space to figure some stuff out--or all three. Take some deep breathes and find your balance.

Your first instinct is to find out what is "wrong' with her-all I am saying is take a look at you first....
Definitely noted ... thanks! Is there any one with experience with an ENFP female who can add to the conversation?
Definitely noted ... thanks! Is there any one with experience with an ENFP female who can add to the conversation?

Also an INTJ :)

I agree with [MENTION=3096]Stormy1[/MENTION]. Relax a bit - if you're uptight it may amplify whatever anxiety she's feeling. I know a few ENFPs but I can't quite generalize without knowing what's going on in her life. So that's my advice - ask her what's wrong. ENFPs can have a lot going on emotionally at any given time and it can be complex. If you were with her in person it would be much easier to access that information and that may be why she's withdrawn so severely (the ENFPs I know consistently tell me that it's hard not to talk about something if it's bothering them). She may be reluctant to share so I would be totally up front and tell her you're concerned and wondering if everything is okay with her. And try to ask for her, not for yourself. I know you're experiencing pretty strong feelings but try not to lose sight of the reality of the situation. You're two complex people with separate histories. She may or may not be feeling what you're feeling. She's not a fairy creature, she's a strong and complicated person, just like you.
ah.... relaxing .... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm .... (with my eyes closed) ... but are our enfp prone to retreating... then coming back? Will i have to just get used to it?
I would say it is better to think of her in terms of how she is--not how her type is. I will retreat quite a bit in a relationship, so it isn't only type related.
Take it easy brother... I have a good ENFP female friend, and she gets scared off hella easy & likes guys to take it slooooooooooooow with the romantic stuff. They are also extremely idealistic, so she may think you are not whatever perfect one she is seeking.
I hear ya.... I've toned down my naturally romantic switch.... and have already relegated in my mind that it would have to move slow.... I think i was just caught off guard by all that she seemed to be sharing with me... to have it all yanked back... and like a true infj... i was looking (more inside) for answers....
and if it helps... she's talk to her besties about me ... noting "she wishes there were more of me for her girlfriends..." .. quite the compliment... but what to do with it? New York is full of vibrant, outgoing, loud and artsy xNFx ... i am shocked that an INFJ like myself can stand out!
Step one is to meet those friends of hers! ;-)

I had a similar situation where the girl pulled way back after we started going out. She cited work as the reason. Based on my experience, and yours as well, other people should be entitled to their life's priorities. Trust that she would have delivered a more deliberate message if she didn't want you around. You just have to know in the back of your mind that she's right for you and keep the front of your mind busy with your own life priorities. Your mind is too wound up over her, so it would make sense to think/do something else to clear your head and re-center.

When you do get to meet her, do you think you can play it cool? For example, if you went into the encounter as if she has to earn you back.

EDIT: One last note, if she is working so much, it's possible she's getting too one-sided. Might want to watch that.