my friends problem


Community Member
I have very good friend. She is 16 years old and she is in high school. She is also INFJ. She has problems with her classmates. They used to pick on her because of her overweight. Girls in her class called her ugly farmwife and boys called her fat pig. They called her names or ignored her completely. Later, in her class came new classmate. Lets call him John/ I changed his name/. My friend told me, that the first time she saw him, she knew, that John is bad person. She felt it. John scored as INTJ/my personal feeling is that he is propably extrovert, however, he scored as INTJ/ in his previous school. They eject him, because he spark off directors car and he also had terrible marks.
My friend was nice to John in his first moments in new class, but it means nothing to him. He was very nasty. He ask her, if she want to became whale, he screams : "I want her!" everytime she walked near him and he laughed hysterically. He sent her messages and emails with various swears from different phone numbers.
After she lost weight/ she isnt slim aready, but she look better/, girls in her class told her that she doesnt look nicer, because it isnt visible that she lost weight/ but that isnt true, she lost a lot of her weight/ and that she is still ugly/actually she is quite attractive/. Girls dont want to her stay in front of stage on school ceremony, because "we have prettier girls in class and she is fat". They told her, that she doesnt care about her looks enough. Boys ignore her now. John comment now her hair or her clothes but not in nice way. He said that she has haircut like a monkey, for example.He laughed only because he see her.He ask a boy from another class if he slept with her alreadyo laughed when she talked with one of her classmates. John scream that they changed their phone numbers and the another boy is "very bad ".
Sometimes John pretend to be nice to her.Actually he isnt nice, he is mean. Last week, they told our new teacher/ rumors say that she slept with him before she came teach in her school/ that is ridiculous that my friend doesnt cry when he pick on her. He told, that he want her to cry.Whole class laughed. My friend was angry.
She ask many people in her class, why they are so mean to her. Some people told her, that she deserve it, because she is "piece of crap", some people said, that she imagine things and nobody is mean to her. One girl told her, that she should consider how she behave to them!!! It is very ridiculous, because she has been nice to her classmates, she helped them with homeworks, but after she called her names, she becomes reserved, but still polite. She is also the best student in her class with straight As. She is talented and sensitive and she sure doesnt hurt any people.
But John, which is mean and nasty, has bad marks, mostly Ds, he isnt good looking, he slept with almost every girl in my friends class, he drinks a lot- so he is the most popular boy in class!!! My friend ask me, what she makes wrong. Her classmates pick on her not only because of her look, but also because of their clothes, harcut, personality/they called her weird/,hobbies ....Marcus even pick on her because she going to church, because she likes books written by Jane Austen....Nothing on her is good enough for her classmates.However,I dont know answer her what she makes wrong.
My friend ask John, what kind of problem has with her. He told her, that he doesnt any problems with her , but she has problem with herself.
After that, she ask her class master, if she could help her. She told her, that she shouldnt pursue and she refuse help her.
Parents told her, thar she should solve her problem herself.
So she visited psychologist. First psychologist told her, that her classmates victimize her , that John is a bully and she should study in another school. But her mother told her, that she doesnt want to see her daughter leave a school like some kind of coward. So she visited another psychologist and she told my friend that John is in love with her and this is his way to show her his attention. My friend was angry of her psychologist and told me, that it was the most stupid thing she ever heard.
She is helpless. She ask me many times what she should do. But I am confused. What do you think about it?
The second psychologist is a whack job. Your friend is right! John is not in love with her. He's a sick abusive kid.

I don't think leaving the school would make your friend a coward. That's what people do when they are horribly mistreated. They leave and move on to other things. Other schools, other jobs, other relationships, etc.

One thing is for sure, it's a good thing she has you as a friend. Her situation sounds awful, but at least she is not alone because she has you. Continue to support her and encourage her about the good things in her life. Help her to discover her talents and have fun and take her mind off of those people. Listen to her problems with concern to help her cope. Remind her that no matter what, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Help her to build up her self-esteem so that she can cope.
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Too many parents still have this sick and twisted idea that extricating their kids from an abusive situation is being "a coward" and bad for them. It's sad to see your friends parents think the same way, because she might do better in a different school.

The best thing to do is stick by your friend. Keep reminding her that you're there for her and most importantly that she is not alone. I had a hell of a time in highschool because I was struggling and nobody listened, nobody indicated they were paying attention, nobody told me I wasn't alone. I dropped out and never got my diploma. Make sure she knows she isn't alone.

Preferably I'd say she should go back to her first counsellor, who seems to have the right idea. Seeing a counsellor you trust can help a lot, to get an objective viewpoint. Even though she can't switch schools it sounds like the first counsellor might have a better idea of how to cope with her current situation.
wow, that's an experience remarkably similar I myself had to go through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

The "being in love" part is complete bulls**t. If that were true all the bullies at my school were secretly in love with me (and also gay). And it has nothing to do with how a person looks like or with his/her intelligence.

Each highschool student is a bunch of his/her personal insecurities. Very often they naturally choose to dampen those feelings of themselves by taking it on quiter students who do not appear to have those insecurities. Introverts live in their own private world, so they make natural targets for attacks.

Take for example how John have exclaimed that he wanted to make her cry. It's pretty obvious that he lacks that inner strength himself that your friend possesses. He feels, that he would have cried in her shoes - and that probably is a true reason why he was angry. Each and everyone of your friend's bullies have their own story on why do they pick on her - ant it's all about themselves, about their insecurities in life which your friend seems not to posses. I know that, because bullies that usually picked on me were from divorced, alcoholic or otherwise unhappy families.

There is no easy solution for your friends situation, because the true reason of her problems is not with her. She could either fight her way through and gain respect using strength (that's sadly the only language the bullies understand) or she can switch schools. By fighting I mean forming a circle of friends that would stand up for each other instead of doing it single handedly. As for myself - I did neither of this and just endured it all in my own world. Looking from a hindsight some 10 years later it was not the best solution - I should have fought.

Edit: it's even more obvious if you look at another example "He told her, that he doesn’t any problems with her , but she has problem with herself." What does that really mean? People are different from each other by their strengths and weaknesses. Therefore he notices that your friend has some disadvantages (like the inability to express herself and to stand out in an extraverted sense) - thus he asserts, that she has a problem with herself. But he also lacks some things that your friend possesses (inner strength, intelligence) - and for that reason he's frustrated. He cannot yet understand how other people are inferior and at the same time stronger than him. Introverts grasp this notion much earlier. In an adult environment when two psychologically mature people meet - they compliment on each other strengths instead of diminishing them. So John is really immature, but he can't help it. It’s really him that should be going to the counselor.
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Well firstly the people in your Scholl sound absolutely horrid and should be ashamed of them selves. I know how it feels to be bullied and for a sensitive person like her it
Firstly, there's a some great advice above this post .

Now I'm no expert, but John is probably not in love with her. To put it bluntly: He's a complete wanker. I'm a pacifist but I really do think he needs some sense knocked into him. To be honest, I suspect he'll end up in jail at some point in his life if he doesn't stop his anti-social behavior.

As for the girls, I have a theory on why they're bullying her. I once read a novel which had a scene where some violent thugs killed a pacifist. Why? Because he was a mirror who showed them how rotten they were on the inside. He was everything they couldn't be. Whenever they abused him, he would just take it. In the end the thugs killed him because they hated him so much. Do you know what they did before they killed him? They burnt out his eyes because they couldn't stand to look him in the eye and see a reflection of how evil and twisted they were. I suspect it could be something similar with these girls. Your friend sounds like a really nice girl and the girls sound really rotten. I think the reason they hate her so much is because they know that she's better than them, and they reminded of this every time they see her, so they must "destroy the mirror".

As for her appearance, remind her that beauty is only skin deep, and these girls may consider themselves pretty but they're actually pretty ugly (can you tell I'm getting angry?). You said she goes to church, so I assume she's a christian. Remind her that "the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7).

Also, remind her that high school is not the end of the world. It may seem like it now, but it's not. Just because someone isn't popular in high school it doesn't they'll be unpopular for the rest of their life. When I was in high school I was never invited to parties, now I'm lucky to spend a quiet Saturday at home. As for now, I suggest she either changes schools or continue to see psychologist A.

Lastly, this thread reminds me of a Family Guy scene:
Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
[she and another couple laugh]
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19 you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that, am I in the ballpark?