mixed signals from this INFJ guy?

[lucence]

Help working out what he wants here, please! ie, why isn't he asking me out again, but texts daily??

Background info -
Casual off/on hookup relationship few yrs ago. Me recently single, we flirt online, then meet for a hot hookup (at my prompting). During which we also talk a lot and in depth, and get on great. He says frequently how much he's into my intellectualism and how my mind works, and how essential that is for his attraction.
He also mentions that he's been wanting a girlfriend. Then later, says that "we should do the social thing some time". Afterward, texts about how it was fun.

Then after 2 days of silence, i msg that i actually like him and am interested in hanging out again, in case he got disinterested vibes. He replies that he likes me and would like to hang out soon, though work is very busy atm (that is true). That weekend i am away on holiday.
Now it's the weekend again, 2 weeks after the hookup - last night while we were flirt-texting i say i'd like to hang out again, and am free this weekend. He says yes. It's now Saturday, and still no offer of plans from him.

On the flip side, he texts me *every* day (sometimes more than once), telling me little mundane or interesting details about his day. He comments on almost all my facebook posts.

So what's going on here? Some possibilities..:

*He wants to explore a relship with me, but -
- it's just a bad time now due to work, is waiting for the first good window to hang out again. The texts are to reassure me of his continued interest...
- is playing it careful and slow and thinking about it thoroughly first, holding back to do so. The texts are to reassure me of his continued interest in the meantime.. Thus giving off hot/cold signals inadvertently.
- is feeling too insecure to make the actual invitation... even though i've told him of my interest already, and basically already asked him out for this weekend?!
- is playing some mind game.

OR
*He's not interested in dating me (as opposed to continued casual hooking up), but -
- thinks these texts are necessary to keep me warm for casual hookups (the pattern of our hookup relationship from the past does not support this conclusion).
- also feels a bit lonely, and likes to have someone to just send these mundane daily texts to.

**Which do you think it is, please?

Personally I'm inclined to think it's - 1b - the "taking time to ponder it" option.
I can think of many reasons he might be hesitant about going ahead:
- he had his heart massively broken in January
- i left my marriage a year ago, seem like a risky proposition
- i have a young child (i parent on alternate nights)
- i'm a foot shorter than him. or, 12 years younger (we're 31 and 43)

**Also.... what do you think I should do? As i'm oscillating between any of these 3 options right now!
- invite myself over this weekend, just make the moves, and during the date make my interest clear.
- just play it cool and let him make the moves. see what happens. call it off if he doesn't ask me out after another week or two, and decide he's just not interested enough.
- ask him directly what's going on.

Your help is verry welcome, thanks!

 

[Prometheus]

All of these are very possible. Putting myself in his position, I think, for me, it would be one of the following. Now, I'm not saying he and I are one of a kind, but these have been discussed and agreed upon by myself and my more timid INFJ friend.

The negative possibilities:
- he continues because he wants to keep you happy somehow (I find this unlikely, because my conscience wouldn't let me play this that far)
- he continues because he's afraid that not showing some kind of reciprocation will lose him the intellectual satisfaction of conversing with a stimulating mind (the more likely of these two; I've actually done this before, I am ashamed to admit)

The positive possibilities:
- good enough just isn't good enough. If he's anything like me, then he'd rather give no gift than give a gift that isn't absolutely perfect. I'm like the father from Taken: I browse, I look, I read that cursed booklet a million times to make sure it's perfect. Everything must fall into place, everything must be amazing. If I really like a girl, then dinner and a movie isn't good enough for me. I have to plan something, anything, that will be so perfect that Hollywood will be basing films off of it for decades.
- he's a bit nervous about doing so. I know that I'm pretty terrible at asking people on dates. I much prefer the friends -> relationship path, sans dates. This is related to the previous "positive possibilities" entry because I don't want to have to constantly plan even-more-perfect dates. I'd rather save these ideas for special occasions, like an anniversary.

The one I'm more likely to do:
- I'm absolutely horrible at making the first move. Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE. I can't imagine how many relationships I've missed out on because I waited for the girl to be the one to ask me out. I think this also has to do with my "perfect timing" thing.

 

[bagelriffic]

you know as i was reading this i was thinking its gotta be 1d all the way, you've done more than enough to let him know youre interested and hes talking like he is but doing nothing, whats the hold up. but when you mentioned age it all went out the window bc i imagine in general 35 and up probably take this sort of thing a little more seriously and consider other possible angles.

either way from where im sitting i think hes being too cautious and you've done what you can, but the way i see it you can be right, or you can be in a relationship lol. if i were in you're shoes depending on just how long this game of cat and mouse has been going on and how sick of it youre getting i'd eventually confront him, not because i think he doesn't know youre interested, but because itd be more like saying; i cant wait forever, whats goin on here. then i'd cross reference his response with any of the likely possibilities you listed above. goodluck to ya

 

[NaeturVindur]

I see a couple possibilities (assuming he's being honest, which is a good assumption for an INFJ)
1) he honestly has no idea WHAT do to, and simply hasn't said so for embarrassment OR
2) You asked if he'd like to go out, and he said yes. Now he's waiting on you to make the plan; you asked him out, its your job to think of that.

Easy way to figure things out, ask "So what do you want to do?" Or you could even come up with something you want to do, and suggest it.

 

[Grey Wolf]

[quote=N

 

[Jill Hives]

[quote=N

 

[lucence]

hm! thanks for that perspective!

i did just tonight line up a hangout tomorrow by asking him to invite me over, during a flirt-texting session. he said "you have an invite whenever you want. all i do is work anyway". then i suggested a time, and it's on.
he even suggested that i could tag along with him and his friend beforehand. which to me also says - more than a casual thing, if he's letting me meet his friends.

i'm a very Rules girl though. as in, if a guy doesn't ask me out, he's not interested enough. and, that if it's me doing the asking out, it's going to make his interest level drop.
how does that fit in here?

i might casually mention tomorrow that his not asking me out says to me that he's not interested, which makes his texts confusing.

your perspective on this?

 

[NaeturVindur]

hm! thanks for that perspective!

i did just tonight line up a hangout tomorrow by asking him to invite me over, during a flirt-texting session. he said "you have an invite whenever you want. all i do is work anyway". then i suggested a time, and it's on.
he even suggested that i could tag along with him and his friend beforehand. which to me also says - more than a casual thing, if he's letting me meet his friends.

i'm a very Rules girl though. as in, if a guy doesn't ask me out, he's not interested enough. and, that if it's me doing the asking out, it's going to make his interest level drop.
how does that fit in here?

i might casually mention tomorrow that his not asking me out says to me that he's not interested, which makes his texts confusing.

your perspective on this?

Quite frankly, that is utter silliness. Relationships should be equal, which means each person does equal work. You can't expect the man to do everything, like plan the dates, then pick you up and take you there, pay for whatever y'all are doing, then take you home, and all that.

In the context of an INFJ, that just won't fly. We may be highly aware of societal expectation and those sorts of "rules," but we prefer equalities and reject anything that isn't fair. He mostly likely won't find your rules to be fair, and therefore will probably reject them.

 

[Grey Wolf]

[quote=N

 

[lucence]

huh. he cancelled by text at the literally last minute, saying he wasn't feeling well and we'd have to postpone. sheesh.
i'm stepping away from this entirely and leaving it to him to make any further contact (unless anyone advises otherwise)

 

[NaeturVindur]

huh. he cancelled by text at the literally last minute, saying he wasn't feeling well and we'd have to postpone. sheesh.
i'm stepping away from this entirely and leaving it to him to make any further contact (unless anyone advises otherwise)

don't assume he's lying to you just to get out of a date. Its more than likely he's actually ill, and was hoping to feel better by the time you were to meet up. The nice thing to do would be to ask him, maybe tomorrow, how he's doing. If you're actually interested, take an interest.

It seems to me you're doing something that's stereotypically INFP; making expectations (not communicating them), and then drawing conclusions based on the failure to meet those expectations. You're INFJ doesn't know your expectations, so don;t assume he's not interested because he doesn't meet them. This all may sound rude, but you seem apt to making the Fundamental attribution error. You seem to assume that people's actions are mainly as a result of internal drives, and fail to recognize situational factors that lead to behavior. The thing to remember is that, on a case by case basis, situation is a much better attributer to behavior than internal factors, and to assume internal factors, you have to look at a broad range of behavior over a grand amount of time (and I mean months).

 

[lucence]

^good advice, thanks. i took it, despite feeling like a bit of a shmuck, and sent him a 'hope you're feeling better" text. i agree with your assessment of my infp tendencies.

however, it still seems to me like a reasonable expectation, no? that if he was interested, he'd ask me out?

although i also agree that he might have situational factors, like being very busy at work (some of his texts were along the lines of just having gotten home, at 9pm, or working on saturday, or working interstate one day);
or, that he's just not in the right place to start a relationship atm.

but this all sounds very like "he's just not that into you".

anyway, i'm happy to wait and see what he does next.

 

[NaeturVindur]

It is a reasonable expectation to be asked out if he's interested, but its not there has been opportunity for him to NOT ask you out. You're basing your assumptions off of two weekends of inactivity, one of which you were away, and the second of which you asked him out, and then he was sick. Who knows, maybe next week will bring him to ask you out. Time, thats all you need to give him.

 

[Nevermore]

I don't like to dash people's hopes but in this case I really feel you are on the losing end of this stick. The problem is that he has exactly what he wants out of the relationship and doesn't have to give you anything to get it. There's no incentive for him to be a proper relationship with you because he can have the relationship when and if it suits him and then dump it when it doesn't. You've helped create this situation by agreeing to hot hookups with no commitment.

I'm not coming from an MBTI stance here, just a common sense one. If you could have all the trappings of a relationship on demand without having to go to the effort of actually being in a relationship, then would you have any reason to change that?

 

[Nevermore]

i'm a very Rules girl though. as in, if a guy doesn't ask me out, he's not interested enough. and, that if it's me doing the asking out, it's going to make his interest level drop.
how does that fit in here?

your perspective on this?

Really? Because you're sleeping with someone who's not even dating you. I must have missed that chapter in the book...*confused*. I'm not a rules girl btw, I do believe in equal and reciprocal interest and effort in relationships and dating. Which is why your situation seems problematic to my mind.

But I agree with the advice above that the way to sort it out is to be direct and just ask him what's going on. If he's scared off by that, chances are excellent he was never going to stick around anyway.

 

[lucence]

Well i meant i was Rulesy about the expectation that if someone wanted to meet up with you, they'd ask you to do so. And if they wanted to date you, they'd be the driving force toward that. A la the Victim-Aggressor dating style (me being the former).
But I'm starting to accept that I need to be participating in demonstrating a mostly equal level of interest myself...

My situation here is that i'm unsure whether he wants something:
(a) casual, as per our original pattern, or
(b) something more-than - which he sometimes seems to indicate by his texts, saying "we should do the social thing some time", and adding the suggestion to this weekend's hookup that it be a "dvd date". Most posters upthread seem to fall on this side too..

This is the point of confusion on my part.. i'm happy with either one, as long as i know which one it is.
He's confusing - that's my problem.

I have a couple of options; either:

*ask him - eg "i'm unsure about whether you want this to be a casual thing, or a looking-into-dating-potential thing. you should definitely let me know some time, as i like to know where things stand."
- and i could do this either this weekend, or
- give him another week or so and ask him at our next meetup.

*or, make myself more unavailable for casual sex, while hinting that i'm after a boyfriend ultimately, and waiting to see what he does next.
Which is what I'm more inclined to do, but it also seems quite unhealthy, passive-aggressive, ineffective, and likely to just make him think i've lost interest in him entirely.

*Carry on as things are now, but subtly encourage or suggest non-sex activities and aspects (as he's been doing..) to show that i'm interested in interacting in that direction..