Letting go of ideal images of the people you like/love | INFJ Forum

Letting go of ideal images of the people you like/love


Sep 5, 2009
I tend to over-idealize the character or traits of people i'm interested in, by projecting overly positive impressions of who they are. I hate doing this since it isn't fair to the person and it can only set someone up for major disappointment if you get too attached to your image of them instead of seeing the person as they are. So, I want to stop this mad cycle of misperception *is there such a word?*

*struggles to throw off rose-colored glasses*

I guess my question is, do you do the same, and how do you take off the blinders so that you can see this person clearly?

*tries to shake dust from said glasses*
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I do this to Anita. You're not the only one.

I try and think of it this way.. If the richest, most beautiful people, by today's cultural standards, become disillusioned with each other (I'm thinking of celebs), if everything they have going for them can't help them keep a marriage/relationship together, then what makes me think someone not at that upper echelon level would be able to deliver. How unrealistic/unfair am I being by putting expectations on ______.

Trying to see the unreasonableness in my attitude sometimes helps.
I usually remove myself from the situation mentally and try to look at things from a third party perspective.
Set aside my feelings so that I am not prohibited by them. I try and look at things realistically: if I had a
daughter, would I want her to be involved with someone like this? <- that's when the greatness of them
in my mind starts to decrease because I remember little things like "he yells at the dog profusely" if he can't
control his anger with animals then eventually it could become an issue. He talks with his mouth full of
disgusting half-chewed food, he told me he hated my best friend and is unwilling to even be in the same house
as her.

Once you start thinking of all the negative aspects of a person it's like this huge wave of issues you had that
you didn't even know about.

Usually after I do this I start pinpointing all of their flaws and start to grow to hate them in my head. Because
of this I start to emasculate them and only see the bad things and focus on the negative instead of the
positive and everything comes to an end.

I just can't seem to find that happy balance.

I'm sorry if this is really disjointed and doesn't make that much sense.
I hope it is helpful.
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Yes I do it and generally the person concerned does an excellent job at readjusting my perception of them, just by being who they truly are. Perhaps I am aided by the fact that seeing reality is something I'm more tuned into than idealism. My idealism generally can't stand up to the cold light of day, such is its weakness.

But I am prone to experiencing severe disappointment (bubble bursting) in personal relationships of all kinds and tend to shy away from them in general.
sometimes i get really interested in thinking about what someone's flaws might be before i discover them, because flaws can be the reason why we have been able to develop positive features also. then i'm like a detective trying to work out what their flaws could be before they're revealed to me.
is it really possible to see someone as they are, though? seems to me some level of projection is inevitable. you'd see them at least in part as a function of how you see yourself (and who really sees themselves clearly? lol)

anyway i guess i do do this, i know when i like someone i'll focus more on how wonderful they are rather than the ways in which they fall short.. if the truth about them would cause me to stop loving them i'm not sure i'd want to be exposed to it... and for their sake too maybe it's good to be kept in the dark. you know people will often adjust to how you think of them, like if you project that they're a good person, they will feel inspired to actually become that good person. so maybe it's justified in the end..? or that there is no objective reality when it comes to people's personalities?
i don't know. kinda confusing myself here, heh.
I think it probably comes down to this, it is easier to idealize people if we idealize "love". So maybe the answer is to quit idealizing love. . . . hmm
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I talk to Sandra. She can be a gobbelfonger sometimes but she's very useful. I don't carte blanche listen to whatever she says, but I take it under advisement.
I talk to Sandra. She can be a gobbelfonger sometimes but she's very useful. I don't carte blanche listen to whatever she says, but I take it under advisement.

what the hell's a gobbelfonger?
what the hell's a gobbelfonger?

A gobbelfonger is the kind of person that would schweemo all over your stugana if they ever got the chance to.