Lack of acceptance from ESTJ parents?

[Chenoa]

Hey,
Have any of you experienced a lack of acceptance or understanding from possibly ESTJ parents? It seems to me that my mother, who seems to display most of the negative ESTJ tendancies along with a lot of the positive, has never understood, and thus never accepted, me for who I really am. She takes in some things and completely misinterprets or ignores others, then forms this warped preconceived idea about my personal feelings, thoughts, and motivations. She does this with my other sibblings as well, but I feel like she tries to impose her sense of reality the most upon me. Due to several recent extremely verbally abusive conversations based solely on her alcohol-infused reality, I have decided to limit my interactions with her strictly to holidays, as she is also responsible for my twelve-year-old sister who shouldn't have to suffer because our mother has issues, to say the least. My fiance very strongly agrees with this as well, as does my married middle sister who has also had major problems with her for the same reasons. Our brother doesn't seem to realize that he has the right to be legitimately angry at our mother when she treats him the way she treats the rest of us, but he seems to think that, since she had us and raised us, she isn't obligated the way the rest of the world is to treat us with respect. He also seems to think that we should accept her feelings, no matter how inappropriately expressed, as though they are inviolate. She's our mother, therefore she's some kind of divinity. Not on my earth! Anyway, sorry for the rant; issues will be addressed in therapy. Lol. So have any of the rest of you had any similar experiences from either parent? If so, what did you do or not do in order to deal with in a way that allowed you to be yourselves in spite of your parents? Replies very much appreciated. Thanks.
Chenoa

 

[grt$5vb]

I either doorslam, or limit mine & my child's exposure to them as much as is possible, until I see a change in behavior, and the alcohol and/or drug use is out of sight. My mom has chosen to play by my rules to see her grand daughter, but my father does not, so he does not see us.

He actually was sober for two years, and in that time really made an effort to come visit us, and call me a lot, but has since fallen off the wagon, and has said some very disturbing things to me while high, so I opted out of the relationship.

My mom has apologized to me for her past neglect, and is really accepting of me, as I am, now, so that has helped me to empathize with her, and compromise to meet her half way.

 

[aerosol]

hi,
i have an estj dad.
i have had similiar experiences, yes.

i moved to a different country. hope this helps.

 

[Trifoilum]

yes, yes, yes.

My ESTJ parent does not involve alcohols, so in a way it's quite easier. When there's alcohol, our perceptions of the world becomes more, more, MORE twisted.

I really suggest you to stay away. And bring your siblings too. Especially your brother, who might have had a significant damage on his ego.

 

[Sriracha]

I had an ESTJ mother. One thing you do need to take in consideration is that even tho she is ESTJ, she has also been shaped by her environment ... which includes her substance abuse. My ESTJ mother was abused as a child, but she had the courage to walk away from it and become a very good parent (from basically no role modeling.) She wanted to give to us (myself and 2 siblings), what she never had.

Acceptance is a mute point. She was never a "friend" to me as we did not have that kind of chemistry, but was always a "mother." Luckily a good one. She and I butt heads horribly and I always thought it was b/c we were so much alike ... now I know better! lol I can tell you that the only thing that was difficult was that she was always right ... regardless. You didn't dispute her final word, you just took it. I suppose that may be a part of "acceptance" ... that she didn't bother to obtain other sides of the story. This is really the only thing that I do different with my children. They DO get the chance to explain themselves and sincerely be acknowledged.

 

[AzulSoul]

I had an ESTJ father.... he behaved like a domestic dictator... can't say I miss him.

 

[GYX_Kid]

INFJ and ESTJ, opposites other than J = fissure in the earth

My INFJ brother and ESTJ father have had some similar issues of ones you listed. Though the father does use some Ne, if that matters.
I was probably most negatively affected in terms of ability to make decisions for myself, not necessarily directly emotionally.
Us three seemed to mature a lot this past year, and get along better/in different ways as of recently.
I know how hard it can be to try opening up emotionally, especially to someone like an STJ. I think mostly my brother just stopped giving a shit about that lack of sensitivity and type of empathy on his part, and stopped appearing "reasonlessly difficult" in opposition. And

forms this warped preconceived idea about my personal feelings, thoughts, and motivations.

Dad doesn't jump to bullshit conclusions so much or even go there at all anymore.
Hell, I never really step into someone's sensitive territory without a personal invitation, and when I am, I'm usually somewhat emotionally detached but really articulate. Actually I can more quickly see where the differences in thought patterns lie, now.

Aaand there are definitely other areas of potential clashing