knowing someone well enough before loving/commitment
- Thread starter Gaze
- Start date
Yes and no.... technically, it's by no means necessary. Barely knowing someone never stopped anyone from just immediately dating someone for looks, money, or the dreaded "love at first sight" (keep in mind I'm aware there are more factors... I'm just having trouble rolling them off my tongue; so to speak). To me it's a must. I want to know what I'm getting myself into and whom I'm really falling for before I get committed. It's more a matter of opinion or perspective but I honestly find the whole idea of love at first sight to be kind of shallow. I therefor hate the premise of Romeo and Juliet.
Last edited:
I am curious what it is you think you can "not do." You can postpone love, schedule it, or wait for it to become rational? Can you choose not to feel it? Can you not think about it? Can you divert your mind from the future you see with the person who has captured your heart?
Defining the relationship may be more under conscious control but your perspective is limited. As there is an observer effect in physics so there is a relationship effect on the individual.
Defining the relationship may be more under conscious control but your perspective is limited. As there is an observer effect in physics so there is a relationship effect on the individual.
i think you should know them well enough to know if they are compatable with you, but otherwise how can you really know someone completely? they change with their own life experiences etc.
perhaps it's more important to know yourself really well before embarking on a committed relationship
perhaps it's more important to know yourself really well before embarking on a committed relationship
Yep. Trust is big when making a commitment, and you can't really trust someone you don't know. Then again, there's no way to completely know all aspects of a person, since different situations bring out different aspects of people. but the more time you spend with someone, the more patterns you'll be able to discern in their behavior, particularly how well their actions and words match up, and on that basis you can probably make a fair assessment of their trustworthiness. And thus commit to them, or not.
You can love a person without any commitment though.
You can love a person without any commitment though.
No.
I fell in love at first sight with my Ex. Although I view him as my ex - he's still in my life 20+ years later - and I love him dearly. [shrug] (it's complicated).
As others have pointed out you can never really know someone well because we are always changing. I think the key is knowing Self really well....and trusting your intuition enough to act on it.
I have had some crushes that came on like this *snaps finger*. None of them lasted and dating 2 of those crushes ended up with massive issues with them.
And then there is this other girl. Met her, did notice the first time i saw her yes, but did nothing about it. Then about 6 months later when she came back to my
town to resume her last year of uni we started to hang out a lot. I would often go over to her place and cook some food and we would chat a bit and then
watch a movie or a tv show i would take with me and just chill. And after spending time like this for like 3 months and getting to know her i grew to love her.
More than any other woman i have before. I share many of my tastes for food, movies, music and so on with her. Havent really had that before. We have some
similarities concerning our background as well (family issues) that made me care more about her as well.
And after i realised how i felt about her i took another month before i even told her how i felt about her. So yeah. As i have become wiser (i hope) i see the importance,
So OP, love can and should grow over time. And yes, you should know the person well before making a commitment to them. Or that is how i feel and see that it is.
Doesn't mean that it works for everyone.
for me, in knowing someone i want to be with before i jump into a relationship with her.
And then there is this other girl. Met her, did notice the first time i saw her yes, but did nothing about it. Then about 6 months later when she came back to my
town to resume her last year of uni we started to hang out a lot. I would often go over to her place and cook some food and we would chat a bit and then
watch a movie or a tv show i would take with me and just chill. And after spending time like this for like 3 months and getting to know her i grew to love her.
More than any other woman i have before. I share many of my tastes for food, movies, music and so on with her. Havent really had that before. We have some
similarities concerning our background as well (family issues) that made me care more about her as well.
And after i realised how i felt about her i took another month before i even told her how i felt about her. So yeah. As i have become wiser (i hope) i see the importance,
So OP, love can and should grow over time. And yes, you should know the person well before making a commitment to them. Or that is how i feel and see that it is.
Doesn't mean that it works for everyone.
for me, in knowing someone i want to be with before i jump into a relationship with her.
Define "know well".
You could think you know someone well and then they show a side of them totally unexpected that may even be a breaking factor for you.
My deal is this: All I need to know to commit (we're talking about all interpersonal relationships here, right?) to the relationship, to this other human, they must share some of the same core interests that we can converse about deeply (that implies maturity and concentration on both sides). I'll manage a little chat for sometime but after a few minutes (i.e. I can't stand it anymore), you are either worth it or not.
If we are talking romantically, it's more than coinciding interests. It's whether they have the same values and life goals as I. If neither match to a rational compromisable degree...*shakes head*. It's not happening. One ENFP asked me, "Who do you like?" "Phfft. I don't 'like' anyone." "
How can you do that?" "Is...that...a problem? I don't think so." ENFP shrugs and goes back to socializing. It's not a problem in itself; it's simply because I haven't found anyone currently who meets my criteria for this level. Initially, I may be suckered in by a handsome, healthy man or one meeting the criteria for the first level. But if the criteria of the second level isn't met, you better find someone else.
Because I'm fine with not knowing their life story, and I won't ever know every detail, but I'm content with the idea of spending the rest of my life with him trying to find out.
You could think you know someone well and then they show a side of them totally unexpected that may even be a breaking factor for you.
My deal is this: All I need to know to commit (we're talking about all interpersonal relationships here, right?) to the relationship, to this other human, they must share some of the same core interests that we can converse about deeply (that implies maturity and concentration on both sides). I'll manage a little chat for sometime but after a few minutes (i.e. I can't stand it anymore), you are either worth it or not.
If we are talking romantically, it's more than coinciding interests. It's whether they have the same values and life goals as I. If neither match to a rational compromisable degree...*shakes head*. It's not happening. One ENFP asked me, "Who do you like?" "Phfft. I don't 'like' anyone." "
How can you do that?" "Is...that...a problem? I don't think so." ENFP shrugs and goes back to socializing. It's not a problem in itself; it's simply because I haven't found anyone currently who meets my criteria for this level. Initially, I may be suckered in by a handsome, healthy man or one meeting the criteria for the first level. But if the criteria of the second level isn't met, you better find someone else.Because I'm fine with not knowing their life story, and I won't ever know every detail, but I'm content with the idea of spending the rest of my life with him trying to find out.
"know well" for me means being their friend who knows who they are at least a few layers down. That is what i mean by that. Knowing at least a few of the things that make them tick. And knowing that first hand. Knowing enough about their likes and which direction they want to take their life that i can see we are compatible in that way.
^^^this
my sister married her husband after knowing each other for 6 months and they are still happy... i married my ex husband after 10+ years and we didn’t make it to our one year anniversary lol... i think the key is how honest you are with each other and your communication skills...
there’s that old saying that you’ll never be able to love someone unless you love yourself... i think it’s the same with knowing someone too because people and situations change and at the end of the day all you really know is who you are and all you have control over is how you choose to deal with situations...
it reminds me of a cautionary tale about a man who searches for a wife but can never find someone who meets his high standards... there is always something off-putting about every woman he meets... in his old age someone asks him why he never married he replies that he did find the perfect woman, but he wasn’t up to her standards... lesson being that your focus should should be inward when finding perfection in others
No, I don't. I'll tell you why. My grandparents met at a dance club one night when they were really young. My granddad was too afraid to dance but my grandmother was the life of the party and was excellent at it. She saw my granddad leave the club and chased after him. They ended up spending the night together over a cup of cola and met once again the next day (no kissing or sexual relations). The next day my granddad asked her to marry him because he was in the military and had to leave soon and she agreed. 58 years later they're still together and are madly in love. They never once thought about getting divorced and never once cheated on one another. You might say this I all blind luck, but love at first sight is a special thing and I know from their experience that it is possible to only know after one day that a person is right for you. It's a beautiful story, isn't it? It may not be wise to do so, but it definitely is possible depending on who the people are.
yes, I think it's possible as well but it depends on the person, values, and how ready they are for a commitment.
I dont have to know someone to love them. Even before i understood my spiritual nature it was very easy for me to love people, anyone, everyone, straight away. Liking them is another story and much more complicated.
Romantic love is different again. When i talk about 'Love', i dont refer to romantic love. Ive been in romantic love a few times, and yes its amazing, and ive fallen 'in love at first sight' before. i dont really understand or know what this is. Seems like a very biological chemical evolutionary (we are attracted to people through smell that are genetically diverse from us) thing. These feelings are beyond logic or reason.
Romantic love also doesnt seem to have much to do with my experience of 'Love'. I dont pursue romantic love unless i genuinely like the person and think that we are compatible. Well, not in the beginning, but i learned to differentiate between my hormones and my feelings eventually, thank fuck!. Attraction is important and it means a lot to many people. But its not everything and not enough for me to base a relationship on. It can be very powerful though, sometimes its like a literal magnetic pull! But being around an attractive mind, attractive values, attractive character and heart has and probably always will be more important to me than physical chemistry and sexual attraction. Sometimes everything falls into place and we can have it all, and i think thats absolutely wonderful, but rare. Most of the time, i think, falling in love is more about infatuation, lust and chemical attraction.
In regards to committment, well i would never commit to anything, whether it be a person, animal, idea, job, value, culture, group, project etc unless i truly wanted to and i knew what i was getting into. In my opinion, all committment should be informed. I wouldnt just go out and buy a pet. I dont just buy plants for my garden unless i could look after them and i have the resources and knowledge to do so. I take committment very seriously and i hate going back on my word. I see this as taking responsibility for myself. Self responsiblity equals self autonomy and freedom. Choosing, rather than falling into situations. Taking control rather than being controlled by my circumstances. I prefer to not make committments at all if it is practically feasible (ofcourse i make committments in work situations). I prefer situations/relationships to evolve into a committment- naturally, organically, in an informed, voluntary and loving way. I really value choice, autonomy, and growth. Without these things, i feel dead.
I think many people prioritise having a long term, secure, and romantic (cultural ideas of romance) relationsip. The couple becomes an 'entity' in its own right. This is very unappealing to me and most people i know in these situations seem very stagnant. Most love songs i hear make me cringe with disgust and embarassment- they sound needy, clingy and full of self hatred. Living for another, in my opinion, is stupid. But less stupid then wanting to die for another to prove love. Live for yourself! Live next to another, grow with them, share the joy and the richness of life with them.
I prioritise having a loving, dynamic and fluid relationship that is mutually supportive and fosters personal growth and development for the two (or more) individuals involved. The people are more important than the 'entity'. Sometimes people outgrow each other. This is not a bad thing, its perfectly natural. Its only our cultural ideas that make this natural behaviour sound bad. If a relationship is long lasting, then thats great! But i dont think it should necessarily be the 'goal'. The goal is to share, enjoy, nurture and support life. Quality is much more important to me than quantity. And being happy within myself and knowing the person im in a relationship is happy is a zillion times more important than what our families, communities and culture would say. Our lives are for living 'our' ideals, not the ideals given to us by others
Romantic love is different again. When i talk about 'Love', i dont refer to romantic love. Ive been in romantic love a few times, and yes its amazing, and ive fallen 'in love at first sight' before. i dont really understand or know what this is. Seems like a very biological chemical evolutionary (we are attracted to people through smell that are genetically diverse from us) thing. These feelings are beyond logic or reason.
Romantic love also doesnt seem to have much to do with my experience of 'Love'. I dont pursue romantic love unless i genuinely like the person and think that we are compatible. Well, not in the beginning, but i learned to differentiate between my hormones and my feelings eventually, thank fuck!. Attraction is important and it means a lot to many people. But its not everything and not enough for me to base a relationship on. It can be very powerful though, sometimes its like a literal magnetic pull! But being around an attractive mind, attractive values, attractive character and heart has and probably always will be more important to me than physical chemistry and sexual attraction. Sometimes everything falls into place and we can have it all, and i think thats absolutely wonderful, but rare. Most of the time, i think, falling in love is more about infatuation, lust and chemical attraction.
In regards to committment, well i would never commit to anything, whether it be a person, animal, idea, job, value, culture, group, project etc unless i truly wanted to and i knew what i was getting into. In my opinion, all committment should be informed. I wouldnt just go out and buy a pet. I dont just buy plants for my garden unless i could look after them and i have the resources and knowledge to do so. I take committment very seriously and i hate going back on my word. I see this as taking responsibility for myself. Self responsiblity equals self autonomy and freedom. Choosing, rather than falling into situations. Taking control rather than being controlled by my circumstances. I prefer to not make committments at all if it is practically feasible (ofcourse i make committments in work situations). I prefer situations/relationships to evolve into a committment- naturally, organically, in an informed, voluntary and loving way. I really value choice, autonomy, and growth. Without these things, i feel dead.
I think many people prioritise having a long term, secure, and romantic (cultural ideas of romance) relationsip. The couple becomes an 'entity' in its own right. This is very unappealing to me and most people i know in these situations seem very stagnant. Most love songs i hear make me cringe with disgust and embarassment- they sound needy, clingy and full of self hatred. Living for another, in my opinion, is stupid. But less stupid then wanting to die for another to prove love. Live for yourself! Live next to another, grow with them, share the joy and the richness of life with them.
I prioritise having a loving, dynamic and fluid relationship that is mutually supportive and fosters personal growth and development for the two (or more) individuals involved. The people are more important than the 'entity'. Sometimes people outgrow each other. This is not a bad thing, its perfectly natural. Its only our cultural ideas that make this natural behaviour sound bad. If a relationship is long lasting, then thats great! But i dont think it should necessarily be the 'goal'. The goal is to share, enjoy, nurture and support life. Quality is much more important to me than quantity. And being happy within myself and knowing the person im in a relationship is happy is a zillion times more important than what our families, communities and culture would say. Our lives are for living 'our' ideals, not the ideals given to us by others
For me it is easier to "love" and make a commitment when I don't know them well. If I start to know them well they tend to annoy me and I crave my own independence again. The only people I really love are blood relations who display unconditional love, by love I mean I would sacrifice myself so that they could live.
The problem I have with loving others is that they always have conditions. This doesn't really answer your question however as its so personal, which in a way is the only way to rationalise such things. I have strange emotions when it comes to love, for instance attraction and love for me are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The thought of loving someone who I am attracted to makes me feel sick.
The problem I have with loving others is that they always have conditions. This doesn't really answer your question however as its so personal, which in a way is the only way to rationalise such things. I have strange emotions when it comes to love, for instance attraction and love for me are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The thought of loving someone who I am attracted to makes me feel sick.
For love, yes, I'd have to know them very well; love is a strong word and something I reserve for only certain people. But I can commit to someone based on attraction and willingness to develop a relationship with them. Currently, a girl I dated I'm still getting to know and am focusing on just her for now, unless it doesn't work out. It seems like an "all your eggs in one basket" situation, but if there's enough there that you like initially and want to explore, it makes committing much easier.
Is it necessary? It depends on the person. Some people can love very deeply and commit very truly without knowing someone well and when it turns out that their partner isn't the right match for them after all, they can make peace with that and move on. Some might bruise a bit more from the same experience, while others might completely shut down and never open themselves up the same way again.
Relationships are just as much about personal psychology as they are about partnership.
This is why I think it's so important to know yourself before you get into a relationship. You can't ever predict how you'll behave in a relationship if you've never been in one, of course, but I think you can have a general idea of what you want and what you need and how you react when your expectations of people don't line up with reality. If you've had relationships before, it's important to learn from them. You should know best as to what is 'necessary' for you before you love and commit to someone.
Before loving, no.
Before commitment, yes.
Personally I don't believe in commitments that I cannot uphold, so going in blind is a no-no. If something learned down the road makes me back out, or causes me to be unable to handle it, and I could have known it if I'd waited a bit, I consider that to be a failure on my part - I'd be letting down myself and this person who thought I was cool with them.
Before commitment, yes.
Personally I don't believe in commitments that I cannot uphold, so going in blind is a no-no. If something learned down the road makes me back out, or causes me to be unable to handle it, and I could have known it if I'd waited a bit, I consider that to be a failure on my part - I'd be letting down myself and this person who thought I was cool with them.
It really all depends on what you're talking about. There are several kinds of love. My preferred models are the seven love styles and triangle of love. If you're talking about love that is primarily driven by passion(see, Eros, Ludos, and "love at first sight"), then, no you don't need to know them well. For love driven by intimacy (See Strogma), then, definitionally, you do. While it is possible to have a love primarily driven by commitment (see Pragma). Relationships driven by mania tend to be very toxic to those involved, as that relationship maintenance involves a ton of cognitive dissonance. Western societal expectations dictates that love involve at least passion or intimacy, but mania tends to lack these. So the partners struggle with believing they must feel these emotions, but don't actually.
The important part to remember here is that it is easy for one type of love to shift into another, and that over the course of possible relationships the type of love and relationship will change. The prototypical relationship in America (at least, I think this generalizes to most of Europe, and I'm not sure about beyond that) starts with Eros/love at first sight, then shifts into Romantic love. Then, in healthy relationships that expect to "last forever," This shifts Compassionate love (where the sex dies, but the love lives on) and Consummate love (where the sex doesn't die), and will continue to shift between these two. In "doomed" relationships, the Romantic love can become Manic, Fatuous or Empty love.
So, basically, you don't need to intimately know someone before love and/or commitment can begin, but you do need to get to know them for the relationship to continue and be healthy.
[massive hyperlinking for defining massive jargon usage.]
The important part to remember here is that it is easy for one type of love to shift into another, and that over the course of possible relationships the type of love and relationship will change. The prototypical relationship in America (at least, I think this generalizes to most of Europe, and I'm not sure about beyond that) starts with Eros/love at first sight, then shifts into Romantic love. Then, in healthy relationships that expect to "last forever," This shifts Compassionate love (where the sex dies, but the love lives on) and Consummate love (where the sex doesn't die), and will continue to shift between these two. In "doomed" relationships, the Romantic love can become Manic, Fatuous or Empty love.
So, basically, you don't need to intimately know someone before love and/or commitment can begin, but you do need to get to know them for the relationship to continue and be healthy.
[massive hyperlinking for defining massive jargon usage.]