Is it sensible to marry for love? | INFJ Forum

Is it sensible to marry for love?

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Gaze

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Is it sensible to marry for love? In the past, people married more often for convenience, practicality, qualities that made for good partnerships in work and parenting, economics, etc. Not that people still don't marry for these reasons, but has the call to marry for love been a bit too presumptuous in the need for romantic love as a necessity as the divorce rate rises? Is marrying for love sensible or realistic for modern times? Have we talked ourselves out of marriage as a long term goal because we think it should be more about romance and sentiment than commitment, etc.? What are good reasons to marry?

Hopefully this thread encourages fair discussion of expectations regarding marriage including pros and cons without being anti-marriage or pushing negative comments to demean or put down marriage.
 
I don't understand why anyone would not marry for love..... unless they were forced/expected to be because of their culture.
 
I've known quite a few people crazy in love, but never got married, mostly because of the legality. They didn't believe that their love needed marriage benefits and that they were happy with what they have. Plus they didn't want to deal with divorce. Honestly I would probably be okay with this, but at the same time I have never been married either, so I am curious about marriage.
 
nosferatu said:
I've known quite a few people crazy in love, but never got married, mostly because of the legality. They didn't believe that their love needed marriage benefits and that they were happy with what they have. Plus they didn't want to deal with divorce. Honestly I would probably be okay with this, but at the same time I have never been married either, so I am curious about marriage.
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Do you think there is a fear on their part that they would lose some of that feeling they have for each other if they legalized it? Many couples worry that marriage tends to lessen some of the want they have for each other and changes the nature of the relationship for the worst. How do they seem to feel about it's potential effect?
 
My boyfriend comes from a culture where arranged marriage is seen as the norm over love marriages.

It has worked out great for his parents, they're deeply in love and very happy. For arranged marriage, I've noticed they quite usually range from both extremes. Either, it works out very well, or not so well.. In a lot of arranged marriage cultures though, divorce is usually looked down upon so I can't imagine the distress and pressure a lot of people may feel to stay in a marriage they're not happy in.

How arranged marriage worked for my boyfriend's parents was that a mutual family friend suggested the two to marry one another. It is also based on caste and sub-castes and that worked out perfectly for them (compatible sub-castes based on the rules), then they went on one or two dates to meet one another. After, they then were able to decide if they wanted to proceed with the marriage.

Personally, I believe in love marriages.. I'm quite young though so I feel that I don't have a lot of experience to add to this discussion. I don't think I'd enjoy the uncertainty that comes along with non-love marriages, but perhaps I'd be more open minded to it for myself if I were single. :)

So yes, I believe it's sensible to marry for love, but I also do believe other logical factors must be taken into account (Finances, compatible outlooks and plans for life? etc.)
 
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pics said:
Do you think there is a fear on their part that they would lose some of that feeling they have for each other if they legalized it? Many couples worry that marriage tends to lessen some of the want they have for each other and changes the nature of the relationship for the worst. How do they seem to feel about it's potential effect?
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More than likely. Likely due to money and lingering resentment that could be tied to money. I couldn't say for sure though because I am not them. Not everyone thinks like me, I believe money is means to an end for survival, but being in love with someone is all about the emotions, I don't want any material possessions or money attached, the feelings are just there because I have grown to love who the person really is beyond what society expects them to be. I could be showered in gifts, taken out places, but I couldn't say it defines my love, more or less brings opportunities to expand on the love. The love is certainly not tied to anything material though...
 
I couldn't imagine marrying someone I didn't love. If you are anything like me, you have gone through an extremely long and extensive character analysis enough to decide that a certain person is worth falling in love with in the first place. So, yes, I do think marrying for love is prudent if you choose someone with good character.
I do, however, know an arranged marriage couple and they seem very happy and successful.
 
Well....
As someone who questions his ability to love and yet is still expecting that love leads to a commitment such as marriage, I can honestly say getting married for any reason other than love completely confuses me.
I question the sanity of cultures that require offspring to marry out of some obligation.
I think its proof of how easily the human mind is bound.
 
if it was for any other reason I would stay single
 
I would only marry for love. I don't see any other reason for marrying than love.
 
I've never seen it as a black and white thing. I think people should marry for love, but whether it's the only reason or the best reason to marry is in question. Maybe it depends on how you define love. Many people marry for romantic love and it doesn't last. Some marry for a more practical reason, including plain old fashioned companionship and it lasts a lifetime. Love, like anything else, is what you make it. Maybe I should rethink my question, and ask whether we have too limited an understanding of love rather than questioning whether it's a sensible reason to marry.
 
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Is it sensible to marry?
 
Sometimes I think most married couples marry because they think they are in love. But then when the reality of their marriage comes in to play, they can't handle it.

I mean I've never been married, I've lived with my ex fiance for about 4 years and then left because the love died and I didn't like how he treated me. But then there's people I know who caved in to pressure that you need a certain time frame to enter college, then get a career, so you can marry your college lover or whatever. Thing is I know a lot of people who are entitled to these ideals, that life should be that way, and the busy lifestyle doesn't really give people time to relax and figure out if they are even in love. Maybe they don't even know what love is, but think they do.
 
I think it would be irrational to marry for any other reason.

However, "love" doesn't necessarily mean romance imo.
 
NO​
 
It can be sensible, but I think you eventually will have to be able to cope with the initial glow wearing off. A lot of people get the so-called seven year itch and divorce around that time.

So I'd say it is sensible to marry for love, but you have to find other reasons to stay married when the fire dies down. You can rekindle it from time to time, but if you're raising kids, working, and doing lots of other stuff, that probably wont be enough or you wont be able to have the same unbounded passion that you felt in the first place. You will probably want to work toward economic stability, companionship, and just be a good working team in general.
 
People may not like to talk about it but I question if humans were ever meant to be monogamous. Think about it. If there were no issue marriage would never have been needed much less become such a huge part in all cultures and human life.

Looking at humanity and the human brain from a detached perspective, remaining monogamous doesnt make a lot of sense from a "survival and prospering" perspective. The more mates, the more offspring etc.

Now dont get me wrong. I would like to find someone who I WANT to spend the rest of my life with. Is that likely to happen? I think the possibility is based more on luck then anything else.
 
There was a quote I read many years ago, but I can't find the exact wording now. The idea was something along the lines of not having a fiery passion in your home, because you might burn it down. Of course in practice I don't like what the idea is getting at (I'd assume a boring vanilla marriage, and lovers outside of it) but I do agree that passion can burn the house down. T_T
 
xAurora said:
There was a quote I read many years ago, but I can't find the exact wording now. The idea was something along the lines of not having a fiery passion in your home, because you might burn it down. Of course in practice I don't like what the idea is getting at (I'd assume a boring vanilla marriage, and lovers outside of it) but I do agree that passion can burn the house down. T_T
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I can think of less interesting ways for it to burn down...
 
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