Is it really weird to crave affection?

Bollington

Bollington

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFP
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Meh
I don't know whether this is to do with me ostensibly being an INFP type of person, or whether it's linked to having a rather un-caring family and a series of not so great relationships including a recent 4-year one that ended badly... but these last few weeks I've been really craving affection and missing it in my life. I'm a really touchy feely type of person, so when I like someone I like to be close to them and cuddle and I feel safer if I'm sleeping next to someone; so not having that now makes me feel rather empty and worthless.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm not expecting you to psychoanalyse my relationshps or anything like that...
 
I'm inclined to say that it's not an uncommon phenomenon. Actually, I've experienced similar circumstances having been raised in a particularly authoritarian household; I was tempted to gravitate towards romantic relationships to provide me that warm centrality I lacked in family life.

I think it will be an asset to you that you are recognizing and questioning your tendencies and their origins. A concerted effort at "practicing" being alone may be of use to reduce dependence on others. It's something I've tried myself, and while deeply uncomfortable at first, the independence I gained was not only liberating (i.e. enjoying and productively spending 'alone' time), but also actually improved my relationships with others (e.g. less needy behavior). I can't say it will definitely work for you simply because it worked for me, but it might be worth a try. Ultimately, affection is important to a lot, if not most people, but pursuit of it can be perhaps maladaptive if used heavily as an emotional crutch.
 
I was married to a woman who showed no affection at all....it was torturous....I don't think it is strange at all....even an infant craves affection (at least a human touch) from birth without it being a learned process.
It is hard-wired into our brains...there is nothing wrong with it, just try not to be co-dependant because of it.
 
Thanks guys :) (used in a non-gendered term to mean more than one person),

[MENTION=5027]Whiskers[/MENTION]: I've spent the majority of the last few years alone, so I don't need to practice too much! I had a long relationship, but it was long-distance as we've both been studying on and off and it's been complicated, so we'd see each other for long weekends, etc., but only every few weeks. I'm content being alone for long periods of time (in fact I often prefer it to being around douchebags), but I guess I just need someone to care about me. I think a lot of it stems from being ill for quite a few years and spending most of that time in bed with no one checking up on me or really giving a toss. So I'm absolutely fine with independence and I wouldn't want to lean on someone for affection, I just think I want it as an extra, you know.

[MENTION=5045]Skarekrow[/MENTION]: I've been in cold relationships, but I couldn't imagine that in a marriage. Are you glad that you're out of it now? And I won't become dependent on it, there's just something within me that needs someone to care about me (as said above). It's not even someone to care for me, just caring about me, that I guess I'm after.
 
Bollington said:
It's not even someone to care for me, just caring about me, that I guess I'm after.
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Yes. There is a huge difference. Some often think that you are asking for one, when you are really seeking the other. As another INFP, although I'm not sure it's an INFP-only thing, the need for affection is very much there. But I'm not a "touch feely" person myself but the need for affection is normal and human. Don't deny it. Being independent is important but it's important to acknowledge that need for affection. It's not the same as using someone to meet your emotional needs. The desire for closeness just happens to be an important part of who you are.
 
Carrie said:
Yes. There is a huge difference. Some often think that you are asking for one, when you are really seeking the other. As another INFP, although I'm not sure it's an INFP-only thing, the need for affection is very much there. But I'm not a "touch feely" person myself but the need for affection is normal and human. Don't deny it. Being independent is important but it's important to acknowledge that need for affection. It's not the same as using someone to meet your emotional needs. The desire for closeness just happens to be an important part of who you are.
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Thanks, you're right and it helps to read it when it's put like that.
 
its completely normal, and even more if you never had it when you were younger! its human to want affection.
 
Thanks.

I feel like this thread needs something appropriate in picture-form...

hug_cats_fine.webp
 
Bollington said:
I don't know whether this is to do with me ostensibly being an INFP type of person, or whether it's linked to having a rather un-caring family and a series of not so great relationships including a recent 4-year one that ended badly... but these last few weeks I've been really craving affection and missing it in my life. I'm a really touchy feely type of person, so when I like someone I like to be close to them and cuddle and I feel safer if I'm sleeping next to someone; so not having that now makes me feel rather empty and worthless.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm not expecting you to psychoanalyse my relationshps or anything like that...
Click to expand...

i don't find it weird at all. affection is like food. you don't really think about it unless you're hungry. then you eat. with affection it's not always readily available and that's rough when you feel down and vulnerable etc.
 
I like it a lot, I'd say it's a pretty dang natural thing to crave. Although some may crave it with more intensity or attach more meaning to it than others.
 
It's completely natural to crave affection...unless you're an unfeeling robot. :m182:
 
Thanks people, I had a feeling this would be a good place :)
 
Bollington said:
Thanks guys :) (used in a non-gendered term to mean more than one person),

[MENTION=5027]Whiskers[/MENTION]: I've spent the majority of the last few years alone, so I don't need to practice too much! I had a long relationship, but it was long-distance as we've both been studying on and off and it's been complicated, so we'd see each other for long weekends, etc., but only every few weeks. I'm content being alone for long periods of time (in fact I often prefer it to being around douchebags), but I guess I just need someone to care about me. I think a lot of it stems from being ill for quite a few years and spending most of that time in bed with no one checking up on me or really giving a toss. So I'm absolutely fine with independence and I wouldn't want to lean on someone for affection, I just think I want it as an extra, you know.

[MENTION=5045]Skarekrow[/MENTION]: I've been in cold relationships, but I couldn't imagine that in a marriage. Are you glad that you're out of it now? And I won't become dependent on it, there's just something within me that needs someone to care about me (as said above). It's not even someone to care for me, just caring about me, that I guess I'm after.
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Yes...I am very glad to be out of it now...lol. I don't see anything wrong with what you are thinking at all....seems like a perfectly normal feeling.....do you see it as something that you aren't entitled to? Unworthy of?
 
Skarekrow said:
Yes...I am very glad to be out of it now...lol. I don't see anything wrong with what you are thinking at all....seems like a perfectly normal feeling.....do you see it as something that you aren't entitled to? Unworthy of?
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Sorry, of course you are, that was a dumbass question!!

And I don't see it as something I'm not entitled to, but I do see it as something I'm probably not likely to attain any time soon.
 
Bollington said:
Sorry, of course you are, that was a dumbass question!!

And I don't see it as something I'm not entitled to, but I do see it as something I'm probably not likely to attain any time soon.
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Well, here is the thing...I think especially as INFJ/Ps we have to be careful of self-defeating ideas...I think we are very prone to making our own fates come true by the power of our overactive self-doubt and double-guessing...I don't see anything in my near future either but I also know that when it happens, it happens fast...so I assure myself that any day this can be right around the corner...I think the thing that you need to focus on is how to be comfortable alone.
I am very comfortable alone now...I haven't always been but about 7 years ago just before my Father died I was very isolated...this was a period of time in my life when everything was up in the air and turned on it's head...I just began doing things that I found to be cathartic like in my case I just moved into a new place....I fixed hundreds of nail holes in the walls....re-painted....refinished the hardwood floors...refurbished old antiques to make my new place as comfortable for me as I possibly could....it was very good for me in so many ways...and one could make so many analogies about fixing holes and repainting and one's self. Of course you need to find something that fits you and just begin. You won't be alone forever if that is your wish....but you should also be okay without someone else around....this will possibly even win you the heart of someone faster as you may be more self-confident and appear less needy of them.
 
Skarekrow said:
Well, here is the thing...I think especially as INFJ/Ps we have to be careful of self-defeating ideas...I think we are very prone to making our own fates come true by the power of our overactive self-doubt and double-guessing...I don't see anything in my near future either but I also know that when it happens, it happens fast...so I assure myself that any day this can be right around the corner...I think the thing that you need to focus on is how to be comfortable alone.
I am very comfortable alone now...I haven't always been but about 7 years ago just before my Father died I was very isolated...this was a period of time in my life when everything was up in the air and turned on it's head...I just began doing things that I found to be cathartic like in my case I just moved into a new place....I fixed hundreds of nail holes in the walls....re-painted....refinished the hardwood floors...refurbished old antiques to make my new place as comfortable for me as I possibly could....it was very good for me in so many ways...and one could make so many analogies about fixing holes and repainting and one's self. Of course you need to find something that fits you and just begin. You won't be alone forever if that is your wish....but you should also be okay without someone else around....this will possibly even win you the heart of someone faster as you may be more self-confident and appear less needy of them.
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You're absolutely right. Thanks for your input because it's been really helpful :)

I think I'm incredibly prone to self-defeating behaviour (in fact, it's been my method of coping with the world for most of my life) so it's a pattern I have to break permanently. I do honestly believe I'm happy being alone practically-speaking and as a lifestyle, but you're right that there are certain things I could and should do to boost my confidence. It's not exactly my strong point, but confidence is always a good thing :)
 
Bollington said:
You're absolutely right. Thanks for your input because it's been really helpful :)

I think I'm incredibly prone to self-defeating behaviour (in fact, it's been my method of coping with the world for most of my life) so it's a pattern I have to break permanently. I do honestly believe I'm happy being alone practically-speaking and as a lifestyle, but you're right that there are certain things I could and should do to boost my confidence. It's not exactly my strong point, but confidence is always a good thing :)
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I know it's cliche but find a hobby...do something to keep yourself busy....I recently discovered that I was really damn good at carving things out of wood....who would have thunk.....I never knew I could do that....
Find something cathartic....something that gets your endorphins flowing....
 
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