INFP-INTJ Breakup/Relationship issues | INFJ Forum

INFP-INTJ Breakup/Relationship issues


Nov 3, 2017
My boyfriend of almost two years (INTJ) and I (INFP) broke up a few days ago. Our relationship has always been very solid, we have a lot of fun together, love each other very much, and have never really fought before a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, he started getting very moody. While he has always been critical and sometimes rude, over the last few weeks, he started to get mean...telling me to shut up, criticizing things that are important to me, and acting controlling. We've always had issues communicating, as talking about serious subjects make him feel "awkward" and he gets highly defensive. I probably should mention that he is 35yo and this is his first relationship. I was married for almost 18 years, but since I am an INFP, I am very understanding of his lack of experience in this area.

Anyway, we had a fight a few weeks ago when he texted me and asked me what I was doing. I responded with what I was doing, but as always, my response wasn't thorough enough for him. He actually wanted to know what I had been doing for the last several hours, not what I was currently doing. I went to his house, we discussed things, got in an argument over semantics, and I left an emotional wreck. We talked about things the next night, I basically acquiesced to him as always, and we moved on. However, I had not forgotten. We took a trip together last weekend, and he was moody and didn't talk to me the entire way home (5 hours). There was no reason. The emotional part of me as felt that he simply doesn't love me anymore. The other night we got in another fight over something petty and he told me to shut the **** up. I drove to his house and broke up with him. He was dumbfounded and kept saying, "You can't be serious," but he didn't try to stop me. I left and he texted me making light of the breakup story he now has to tell. We haven't spoken since (two days)

I have since been thinking about the good things about our relationship, and I feel that perhaps my Fe got the best of me. However, I don't want him to think it is okay for him to talk to me that way and that I will put up with it. In short, if he were to apologize (it's not in his nature) and agree to see a counselor, I think our relationship may be worth fighting for.

In your experience, is there a chance that he will contact me? I hesitate to contact him as I don't want him to think I'm weak (he will) and will put up with crap.
Is verbal sparring a trait of an INTJ? Can he change? Is it normal for an INTJ to not take ownership for their part in relationship issues?
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Will be admit he has a problem and go to counseling? Like you, I’ve been on the receiving end of an unhealthy INTJ and things only worsened.
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Will be admit he has a problem and go to counseling? Like you, I’ve been on the receiving end of an unhealthy INTJ and things only worsened.
I am unsure of this as whenever we have tried to discuss serious topics, he gets awkward, deflects the blame and projects it onto me and ways I should change so that he won't behave the way he does. I am kind of hoping that this breakup will be a wake-up call to him, but I don't know as I've never dated an INTJ before, so this is new territory.
This sounds a lot like the dynamic I had with my INTJ ex... I even broke up with him once and he also made light of it... and just acted like we weren't broken up... continued to call and text until he wore me down because he knew I still had feelings for him. Hopefully someone here who has managed to maintain a healthy long term relationship with an INTJ will chime in. I broke up with my ex and he continued to contact me periodically for 5 years until I told him I forgave him, would always care for him, but that we couldn't have any sort of relationship, and then told him we couldn't speak again. And he did stop contacting me after that. My ex did not take any ownership in relationship issues until we had been broken up a few years. By then it was too late anyway.

So I'm betting he will contact you.

I'm not sure what would help. Maybe time and distance and being firm in that you won't put up with things any longer. You have to assert yourself.
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And since when do INFPs use Fe ?
Is verbal sparring a trait of an INTJ?
Yes, but the mean and argumentative sparring is a trait of an unhealthy mindset in an INTJ.

Can he change?
Is it normal for an INTJ to not take ownership for their part
INTJ's are pretty much set in their ways from birth. It would take a great deal of work on his part to change. But It can happen. If an INTJ truly wants the relationship to work, they can surprise even themselves in their ability to be open with themselves and their feelings, and change their course. Much of it is the INTJ taking responsibility and ownership of their faults in a relationship.

An unhealthy INTJ will never take responsibility for their part and will instead blame everyone and everything else. It's an extremely frustrating thing for an NF to deal with. I wish you the best of luck. ❤