INFJs, why would you friendzone someone?

[fabulousworld]

Hello lovely people!

I (ENFP-T, early 30's) recently told an INFJ-A male (mid-30's) that I am starting to have feelings for him and he said that he just sees me as a friend. We've been friends for a year with deep conversations (phone and video) that last hours - up to 6 hours sometimes. Our conversations go deep and intimate and he's also expressed on various occasions how he feels that our friendship is unique, that we get each other in an intuitive way that he doesn't have with anyone else, and that we help build each other up. He also once spent 5-10 minutes sharing deep and specific things that he values about me, which was an intense experience for me. I consider myself attractive, but we live on opposite sides of the country and have never met in-person, so that might be a factor?

When I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him, he took a moment to think and responded, "I just see you as a friend. One that I really like and value and appreciate, but just as a friend." There was no wavering or doubt in his tone of voice. I also see him as someone with integrity, groundedness, self-awareness and confidence, so I trust that he said what he meant.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!

 

[slant]

Attraction and desire can't be forced.

An infj, or any human being friendzones because they don't want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with that particular person.

It is not a personal rejection of you. You still have worth and value. You will find someone to have that sort of relationship with eventually, so accept the desire is not mutual and start actively dating.

Personally I've found trying to make a friendship morph into a relationship is damaging. Dating apps and having your intentions clear from the beginning skips a lot of these frustrating conversations.

 

[fabulousworld]

Thank you, @slant. It's hard for me to hear, especially because one of my old demons is around my attractiveness, so I am trying to accept this.

I also perceive him as someone who is grounded, deeply self-aware and attuned to other people, so I am wondering if I misconstrued some of his actions? Are the following perfectly normal things for INFJs to express to a friend? Is it really possible that a 30s male, whom I perceive to be very self-aware and very attuned to people, did not think that some of what he did could've been misconstrued as romantic interest?

• We had a brief period of falling out. Over the course of 4 months, he expressed that he valued our friendship and still wanted to be friends. He consistently reached out to reconnect (eg. "Saw this and thought of you. Hope you've been well!")
• He spent 5-10 minutes sharing all these deep and specific things that he values about me. He expressed how he understood my need for safety (synthesizing from our previous convos) and saw how he didn't make me feel safe in the past. His tone of voice was soft and poignant at times.
• After sharing about my art, he texted, saying that he came across this picture and thought it was on brand for me. It was a picture of tulips.
• He is very talkative with me and has expressed that he doesn't often feel he can talk this way with other people.
• He responds to my texts almost right away.
• Our phone convos easily turn into 2-3 hours and we've had multiple 5-6 hours convos before. All of great depth.
• He's reached out multiple times to ask for my advice on stuff related to his work and is always happy to really listen and offer advice with my problems.
• I've talked to him about my boundaries and what helps me thrive in a friendship and I noticed that he started doing those things actively.

 

[Pin]

Well...

BECAUSE WE WORK TOGETHER.

 

[fabulousworld]

@Pin - why would that be the case even if you worked with that person? Perhaps as a very idealistic ENFP, I am more likely to just throw caution to the wind and jump in (... I know ). Curious to hear and thank you for sharing.

 

[David54]

Welcome to the forum. .we may not have the answers you seek, but perhaps the journey will discover them for you. .
friend. . huge subject with many nuances. .I had a female friend for very long time, similar to what you describe. .I w as afraid to profess love for fear of losing my best friend if things went south. I have also been close to people as friends, and romantic involvement never crossed my mind, they were friends. it was a construct I never even considered. could also be he has internal issues you know nothing about. . or he is interested in another person. . he is actually gay, the reasons are as many as fish in the sea. .I wish there was an answer that brought you what you seek. . .

 

[Rit4lin]

Thank you, @slant. It's hard for me to hear, especially because one of my old demons is around my attractiveness, so I am trying to accept this.

I also perceive him as someone who is grounded, deeply self-aware and attuned to other people, so I am wondering if I misconstrued some of his actions? Are the following perfectly normal things for INFJs to express to a friend? Is it really possible that a 30s male, whom I perceive to be very self-aware and very attuned to people, did not think that some of what he did could've been misconstrued as romantic interest?

• We had a brief period of falling out. Over the course of 4 months, he expressed that he valued our friendship and still wanted to be friends. He consistently reached out to reconnect (eg. "Saw this and thought of you. Hope you've been well!")
• He spent 5-10 minutes sharing all these deep and specific things that he values about me. He expressed how he understood my need for safety (synthesizing from our previous convos) and saw how he didn't make me feel safe in the past. His tone of voice was soft and poignant at times.
• After sharing about my art, he texted, saying that he came across this picture and thought it was on brand for me. It was a picture of tulips.
• He is very talkative with me and has expressed that he doesn't often feel he can talk this way with other people.
• He responds to my texts almost right away.
• Our phone convos easily turn into 2-3 hours and we've had multiple 5-6 hours convos before. All of great depth.
• He's reached out multiple times to ask for my advice on stuff related to his work and is always happy to really listen and offer advice with my problems.
• I've talked to him about my boundaries and what helps me thrive in a friendship and I noticed that he started doing those things actively.

I thought I'd just put across my own point of view. Everything you've listed in this is exactly how me and my closest friend interact: from the long conversations; sharing aspects of ourselves; me telling her I find her the easiest to talk to (although rarely now). It has been this way for five years now, and has only evolved - platonically. We've never been romantically or sexually interested in one another and I know this because it is something that has been communicated from both sides.

In there is the key point. Communication. Such profound relationships can be easy to suck you in to the realms of romantic affection, and it is important for both parties that even if one only felt platonically, that it is communicated. For myself I see the 4 month gap as him being aware of how his attitude could be misconstrued and thus distancing himself in a bid to minimise the risk of romantic feelings developing. His reinforcement of and attention to your friendship also seems to suggest so. If you don't mind my asking, what were the boundaries you set?

 

[slant]

Thank you, @slant. It's hard for me to hear, especially because one of my old demons is around my attractiveness, so I am trying to accept this.

I also perceive him as someone who is grounded, deeply self-aware and attuned to other people, so I am wondering if I misconstrued some of his actions? Are the following perfectly normal things for INFJs to express to a friend? Is it really possible that a 30s male, whom I perceive to be very self-aware and very attuned to people, did not think that some of what he did could've been misconstrued as romantic interest?

• We had a brief period of falling out. Over the course of 4 months, he expressed that he valued our friendship and still wanted to be friends. He consistently reached out to reconnect (eg. "Saw this and thought of you. Hope you've been well!")
• He spent 5-10 minutes sharing all these deep and specific things that he values about me. He expressed how he understood my need for safety (synthesizing from our previous convos) and saw how he didn't make me feel safe in the past. His tone of voice was soft and poignant at times.
• After sharing about my art, he texted, saying that he came across this picture and thought it was on brand for me. It was a picture of tulips.
• He is very talkative with me and has expressed that he doesn't often feel he can talk this way with other people.
• He responds to my texts almost right away.
• Our phone convos easily turn into 2-3 hours and we've had multiple 5-6 hours convos before. All of great depth.
• He's reached out multiple times to ask for my advice on stuff related to his work and is always happy to really listen and offer advice with my problems.
• I've talked to him about my boundaries and what helps me thrive in a friendship and I noticed that he started doing those things actively.

I didn't even read this list.

It's REALLY important that you don't try to understand why.

What you're doing is trying to justify why he rejected you, and sometimes if we tell ourselves stories like

"He's afraid of falling in love"

"He just isn't ready for a relationship right now"

We have hope that things will change.

Things won't change. You have to respect what he said. Speculating on why isn't going to help anyone.

I had a coworker in October who cuddled me for hours at night and it was really intimate and special to me and I tried to pursue a romantic relationship and he told me he just wanted to be friends. It hurt, a lot.

In the back of my mind I always have wanted to ask him:

Why did you ask me if you could touch me that night?

He initiated it, I didn't.

But I've never asked him that.

Want to know why?

It doesn't matter why he asked. He doesn't want to date me. I moved on. We're still good friends.

It is okay for you to have feelings for someone which are not returned. Love is a beautiful thing. But you can't hang on to it- if romance and sex is something you want, go find it. Do not get hung up on people who've rejected you. Put yourself out there and move on.

 

[acd]

It literally means he just sees you as a friend. He's not sexually attracted to you or is not interested in anything romantic, but values and enjoys you. I wouldn't focus on him romantically as there is someone else out there who will click with you that way. So just be his friend if you can and be open to meeting someone else for a romantic relationship.

 

[Peppermint]

I agree with slant. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by analysing every bit of your relationship. I know what you're thinking: why would he do all these things for me if he doesn't want me as a partner? The answer is because he cares, but there are different ways you can care about someone. Maybe deep down you feel misled or like things aren't fair. Maybe you feel self conscious for not interpreting his behavior correctly.

Maybe trying to figure out why he "friendzoned" is your way of coping with the rejection, but in my opinion it's not productive.

 

[Wyote]

Are the following perfectly normal things for INFJs to express to a friend?

Yes

 

[Fidicen]

I've had similar friendships without a thought of romance. Sometimes the other person has thought my behaviour is a sign of interest. INFJs are often very happy to express their appreciation and cherish such friendships, and especially in cultures where men are expected not to behave in such a way - at least not toward women - these gestures may easily be misinterpreted.

The distance between you could be a factor, and for me romantic feelings develop much more easily if I actually meet the person, even if there has been less talking than in an online friendship. But as others have said, knowing the reason doesn't really change how the other person feels, so it's better to move on.

 

[Asa]

Attraction and desire can't be forced.
An infj, or any human being friendzones because they don't want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with that particular person.
It is not a personal rejection of you. You still have worth and value. You will find someone to have that sort of relationship with eventually, so accept the desire is not mutual and start actively dating.
Personally I've found trying to make a friendship morph into a relationship is damaging.

This is what I would have said, so I'm quoting Slant instead of repeating her.

It literally means he just sees you as a friend. He's not sexually attracted to you or is not interested in anything romantic, but values and enjoys you. I wouldn't focus on him romantically as there is someone else out there who will click with you that way. So just be his friend if you can and be open to meeting someone else for a romantic relationship.

Also, this^^

Are the following perfectly normal things for INFJs to express to a friend?

Yes.

The list you gave about the reasons you thought he was romantically interested just sound like a close friendship with good communication and respect. It would be good for you to find more friendships with people who treat you this way.

If you feel rejected and feel insecure about your looks we can talk about that, too, but it is a different topic.

Your list focused on how he treated you, but didn't mention anything about how he thinks or feels. It seems like you were smitten by being treated respectfully and forgot to pay attention to his feelings and opinions about love, romance, and relationships. He may have said something about a crush, or love in general, during those long conversations.

In any case, I'm sorry this happened to you. It hurts to be rejected.

 

[Pin]

@Pin - why would that be the case even if you worked with that person? Perhaps as a very idealistic ENFP, I am more likely to just throw caution to the wind and jump in (... I know ). Curious to hear and thank you for sharing.

I wouldn't work with a person I was dating because I don't want to cause conflicts of interest or bring any stress from work into my relationship.

Relationships should be a source of peace.

 

[mintoots]

Relationships should be a source of peace.

Work should be a place of peace.

 

[mintoots]

He just doesn't.

His choices and actions are his responsibility. As communicated, he intends to only be responsible for friendship. We just let them be and carry on.

No use clinging.

 

[Pin]

Work should be a place of peace.

You're not wrong, just kinda socialist.

 

[mintoots]

You're not wrong, just kinda socialist.

I probably am. Oriental mindset.

 

[Pin]

I probably am. Oriental mindset.

I like that, within reason. Are you a quiet person?

 

[mintoots]

I like that, within reason. Are you a quiet person?

Somewhat. I am not the quietest person in the room and not the noisiest either. I camouflage with either silence or small talk. It depends.