INFJ with ESFP roommate and ESTJ husband

[bcdg24]

Hello,
I'm new (obviously). I don't really know how to begin this thread, other than to say...
I'm the only INFJ I have ever known. Sometimes I have mistyped myself as an INTJ, but through reading, research, and self-discovery I am fairly certain I am an INFJ; sure, I can reason through things and be quite logical, but that's my need for order driving me to come to a conclusion that reckons with my inner value system.
I am deeply affected by others' words and their perceived opinion of me. I am (more importantly) deeply moved to help people and make the world, somehow, better.

I know several individuals (family, friends, and coworkers) who have a prevalent Intuition (both introverted and extroverted) function, but I can't clearly type anyone in my life who is INFJ (like me). In fact, I seem to be surrounded by Sensing types: my mother, my sister, my husband, my roommate, two of my besties...

My closest friend in the world, my bosom buddy, is an INFP, and she gives me hope that I am not alone, or totally other, different. Sometimes I feel we are the only ones that "get" each other.

Anyway, the differences in personality between my husband and I cause quite a few fights, but so far we are very grateful for our differences. We are relatively young in our relationship (married 2 years in July, together 4 years in August), which is scary (what if this is only temporary? What if he falls out of love with me? we are too different to still be attractive to each other if we fall out of love), but we have a very faithful commitment to continue loving each other, including forgiving and forgetting (as best as possible).

Right now my "problem" is our "roommate"; she's a friend of my sister's that roomed with my parents. My ISFJ mother had a falling out with her, and pretty much kicked her out. So, to help her out, she moved in with us. She is an ESFP.
She is SO chatty. At first (that is, before she moved in and through the first week or two), I didn't mind the chattiness because i thought she was a real friend. Then, one night after a particularly stressful week (my mother landed in the hospital for heart issues, which we were previously unaware of), i finally took a break and she said she would come hang out with me. I called her to hang out when i got to the destination, but she never checked her phone, and consequently, i hung out all by myself in a crowded restaurant on a Saturday night.
It turned out okay that I was by myself, although some strangers sat at the same table as me and it was obviously awkward and claustrophobic. But this little incident was a wake-up call that this girl is a family acquaintance, not my personal friend. It doesn't matter how much personal information she knows about me or how much about who she is I know and perceive, we are not friends.
Since then, she hasn't got the hint. For the most part, we don't see each other because she has a night job and i a day job. But if I stay up too late, she does come home and wants to chat it up. All I say in response is "uh huh", the nod and smile, a million times, occasionally throwing in a tidbit myself. But she can go on and on...
I dont want her to move out, and i don't hate her. She just really annoys me. Why does she have to talk to me? Why does she have to share everything? She talks about her role model a lot (a female evangelist) or about church/Christianity-related stuff. But I am not a practicing Christian anymore. She knows this; she just doesn't get any hints.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to politely, kindly,and without souring things, shut her up?

***I should clarify that I am a full-time working mom and very rarely get to hang out with any friends, and very rarely take any personal time for myself. As an IN, I often feel I am drowning in hopelessness,nothingness. I don't get to reflect, I rarely get to recharge, and I even rarer are deep, meaningful, affirming conversations with friends (in particular, because two of my closest friends, including my INFP bosom buddy, live 4 hours away; my other closest friend, lives in the same town as me, but has medical problems and works full-time).

 

[Rosslyn]

I would just talk to her honestly. It seems very tough, but try to work it in a way where it doesn't seem like you're annoyed. Tell her you enjoy your alone time and don't always want to chat.

 

[the]

Tell her what you want her to know. The solution is so obvious that it seems you must not be telling the whole story.

 

[Chessie]

Just the description of your lifestyle made me want to run and find a razor and slash both wrists.

In dealing with ESFP's they are WORD cannons. It's a trait of the type. Badly undeveloped ESFP's are simultaneously staggeringly communicative and entirely unreliable. You've hit both sides of that in your description of this person.

Having a conversation with her won't help terribly much. She'll ignore the things you say that she doesn't like. Again, badly developed ESFP's do that. Handling an ESFP involves a flat out stoic refusal to listen to anything and everything they have to say. Listen only to their actions. Honestly, I reccomend throwing her out.

She'll cause massive drama regardless.

 

[bcdg24]

Thank you all for your advice.
Chessie, about the slashing of wrists comment: haha, i do get overwhelmed at times, but i make myself find little outlets (a car ride, alone, for a couple minutes; checking out a book for myself from the library on a meaningful topic that i read after the kids are in bed; and the like), when i have a positive outlook on life. Sometimes it all gets to me and i'm tired of continuing to be positive, and then i behave badly. luckily, that is mostly rare.

I don't want to throw her out, because i do want to help her. i felt it was wrong for my mom to throw her out of the house; but, i didnt think through all the reasons why she and my mother didnt get along when she lived with her.

I can't sit down and tell her exactly how i feel because it will either make things unbearably awkward and give me social anxiety in my own house (which i CANNOT allow) or...okay, i can only see things becoming unbearably awkward.

I think my strategy will be one of avoidance, or of always being busy.

 

[Chessie]

I'm gonna say this and be as gentle as possible.

This woman needs to be out of your home. You can't help her. There is no help for her to be had. She doesn't want help. She wants to live in a fantasy world where she can be twenty five for the rest of her life, where the needs of the people around her are satisfied in exactly the same ways hers are, and where you have endless resources to support her.

Do it now.

Do you want to live, avoiding this woman, for the next ten years? She'll stay as long as she thinks she's welcome which will be WAY past the point she's actually welcome. I've...lately had to deal with an ESFP who essentially behaved so poorly that she burned out and was thrown out of the lives of every single person who cared about her...and in the end she wouldn't listen to any of them when they told her she's the problem.

I doubt this one will either.

I don't know where the ESTJ husband came into this equation. That by itself sounds like my private Hell.

 

[invisible]

:welcome:

i agree with other comments on your thread about communicating your need for quiet time. you don't always feel like talking, it's an aspect of your disposition, and has nothing to do with her. there's nothing wrong with that.

the alternative to communicating your needs is putting up with this indefinitely. the alternatives are to stand up for ourselves and reinforce our boundaries with good communication, or work on accepting circumstances that we are not willing to do the boundary setting work to protect ourselves from, or in cases where boundaries are not respected regardless of how we set them, to take steps to change the situation by removing ourselves or otherwise.

 

[Orion]

Having a conversation with her won't help terribly much. She'll ignore the things you say that she doesn't like. Again, badly developed ESFP's do that. Handling an ESFP involves a flat out stoic refusal to listen to anything and everything they have to say. Listen only to their actions. Honestly, I reccomend throwing her out.

I absolutely agree with this.

I used to think that with just the right amount of interpersonal skills and playing to people's conscientiousness, that you can get round most problems with most people. The last two years have really taught me otherwise.

There are some people who just won't listen, won't change, won't adapt and won't compromise. We just need to learn to recognise, avoid and pre-empt people like this, because they only get worse.

The only way to deal with people like that is to cut them out of your life. Fortunately, you have a choice because it's your house and she leaves whenever you want her to.