meowzician
Community Member
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
I'd love to bounce around some of the things that bug us. And I mean things that bug us but not most other people. Maybe they are things that just bug Ni folks. Or just bug NF folks. Do you think there are any pet peeves particular to only INFJ's?
Here is a major irritation for me--interruption.
Let's say I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone(s). It could be on anything. Maybe something deep. Maybe something practical. Maybe the group is finally, finally addressing a topic that is near and dear to me but seldom comes up. Maybe something perfectly mundane. But in my mind I've already laid out the points that need to be made, the order to make them, what example or argument I want to make, and how I want to word it to guard everyone's feelings. Or maybe I just want to have my own turn sharing on the topic.
Suddenly there is an interruption and it derails the whole conversation. It irritates me that I did all that mental work for nothing. I have a hard time letting go. And if it is a work related thing, that raises it to a much higher level. Or maybe I just feel slighted because others had a chance to share about something and I never got my turn.
Sometimes its an unfortunate necessary interruption, but most of the time it's just someone being rude. Perhaps its someone who approaches the group and doesn't even intend to listen and find out what the topic already is. And I mean they don't even say "excuse me" before they butt in with something totally unrelated. It's just, "Hey Susan! I couldn't leave without saying hi! How is it going with the work on your kitchen?" There are probably a dozen way these rude interruptions happen.
Sometimes it is someone who is legitimately taking their turn but just lacks the intelligence to understand that what they are saying is irrelevant or only tangentially related.
And SOMETIMES it is someone in the group who, I swear to God, they just don't like the topic and deliberately derail it. I've noticed that especially if the topic turns to something dark or something deep, there are certain people who push back. They just hate that sort of thing. Why can't they just smile and wave goodbye and go shmooze with others? But no, they choose to interrupt with something completely unrelated. There are certain people I know who do this so routinely that when they join the group, *I* wave goodbye and go shmooze with others rather than be aggravated by them once again manipulating and dominating the conversation.
Example: There was a monthly Zoom group I participated in during Covid that was designed for people who enjoyed talking about deeper things: current events, politics, ethics, religion, major movements or philosophies in society. It was wonderful. At the beginning the facilitator would draw two topics out of a jar, and then the group would vote on which topic to discuss. This one guy joined the group, and during the vote he would sometimes make it very clear he did NOT want to talk about one (or both) of the topics. If that topic won the vote, he would derail it. Others wouldn't catch on that he did this deliberately but it was crystal clear to me. And if someone like me steered the conversation back on topic, he would derail it again. I ended up speaking to the facilitator about this over the phone, telling him he needed to speak with the guy about this, and he needed as facilitator to take a stronger hand in derailing the derailer.
And finally, sometimes I get hugely irritated with myself. I'll have a point that requires multiple steps to make. I'll be on point one or point two... and then totally forget what point three was supposed to be or I'll even forget the topic. It comes across like I went off on a tangent, and it wasn't a true tangent but that's sure how it affects the conversation--which then never gets back to the point, grrr. I'll literally say out loud, "Now why did I say that?" and I can't remember. LOL Jiminy cricket I just HATE it when I do that.
So do I also interrupt? Any hypocrisy going on here? LOL Well, yes and no. I really do take care to make sure someone has finished their point. I wait for that brief moment of silence that means they are done. The only exception to that is when they say something incredibly untrue and yeah I need to work on that... But at the same time, if they are the kind of person that goes on and on and on (like my son) and it's one untruth after another, I can't remember every untruth I need to address. I need for us to pause and address one point at a time. And in my own defense, when I do interrupt it is ALWAYS on topic, ALWAYS responding to what they are saying.
I dunno, I sense that I could do better. Maybe it is more important to let others finish their thoughts than it is for every single point to be addressed. Maybe it's better for me to let things slide, even important points. Maybe I should weigh more carefully how important a point is--X needs to be interrupted and Y needs to be let go.
But there is one last thing I want to say. It bugs me to my very core that here I am working VERY hard to be fair to others and considerate of others in this way and you all know VERY well that they are NOT doing the same thing for me. I have only one friend (my bestie, ESFJ?) who mentally keeps track of who has had a chance to talk and who still needs a turn and which person in the group is an interruptasaurus. Everyone else? They don't give it a thought. They don't care. It's a very unequal relationship.
Here is a major irritation for me--interruption.
Let's say I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone(s). It could be on anything. Maybe something deep. Maybe something practical. Maybe the group is finally, finally addressing a topic that is near and dear to me but seldom comes up. Maybe something perfectly mundane. But in my mind I've already laid out the points that need to be made, the order to make them, what example or argument I want to make, and how I want to word it to guard everyone's feelings. Or maybe I just want to have my own turn sharing on the topic.
Suddenly there is an interruption and it derails the whole conversation. It irritates me that I did all that mental work for nothing. I have a hard time letting go. And if it is a work related thing, that raises it to a much higher level. Or maybe I just feel slighted because others had a chance to share about something and I never got my turn.
Sometimes its an unfortunate necessary interruption, but most of the time it's just someone being rude. Perhaps its someone who approaches the group and doesn't even intend to listen and find out what the topic already is. And I mean they don't even say "excuse me" before they butt in with something totally unrelated. It's just, "Hey Susan! I couldn't leave without saying hi! How is it going with the work on your kitchen?" There are probably a dozen way these rude interruptions happen.
Sometimes it is someone who is legitimately taking their turn but just lacks the intelligence to understand that what they are saying is irrelevant or only tangentially related.
And SOMETIMES it is someone in the group who, I swear to God, they just don't like the topic and deliberately derail it. I've noticed that especially if the topic turns to something dark or something deep, there are certain people who push back. They just hate that sort of thing. Why can't they just smile and wave goodbye and go shmooze with others? But no, they choose to interrupt with something completely unrelated. There are certain people I know who do this so routinely that when they join the group, *I* wave goodbye and go shmooze with others rather than be aggravated by them once again manipulating and dominating the conversation.
Example: There was a monthly Zoom group I participated in during Covid that was designed for people who enjoyed talking about deeper things: current events, politics, ethics, religion, major movements or philosophies in society. It was wonderful. At the beginning the facilitator would draw two topics out of a jar, and then the group would vote on which topic to discuss. This one guy joined the group, and during the vote he would sometimes make it very clear he did NOT want to talk about one (or both) of the topics. If that topic won the vote, he would derail it. Others wouldn't catch on that he did this deliberately but it was crystal clear to me. And if someone like me steered the conversation back on topic, he would derail it again. I ended up speaking to the facilitator about this over the phone, telling him he needed to speak with the guy about this, and he needed as facilitator to take a stronger hand in derailing the derailer.
And finally, sometimes I get hugely irritated with myself. I'll have a point that requires multiple steps to make. I'll be on point one or point two... and then totally forget what point three was supposed to be or I'll even forget the topic. It comes across like I went off on a tangent, and it wasn't a true tangent but that's sure how it affects the conversation--which then never gets back to the point, grrr. I'll literally say out loud, "Now why did I say that?" and I can't remember. LOL Jiminy cricket I just HATE it when I do that.
So do I also interrupt? Any hypocrisy going on here? LOL Well, yes and no. I really do take care to make sure someone has finished their point. I wait for that brief moment of silence that means they are done. The only exception to that is when they say something incredibly untrue and yeah I need to work on that... But at the same time, if they are the kind of person that goes on and on and on (like my son) and it's one untruth after another, I can't remember every untruth I need to address. I need for us to pause and address one point at a time. And in my own defense, when I do interrupt it is ALWAYS on topic, ALWAYS responding to what they are saying.
I dunno, I sense that I could do better. Maybe it is more important to let others finish their thoughts than it is for every single point to be addressed. Maybe it's better for me to let things slide, even important points. Maybe I should weigh more carefully how important a point is--X needs to be interrupted and Y needs to be let go.
But there is one last thing I want to say. It bugs me to my very core that here I am working VERY hard to be fair to others and considerate of others in this way and you all know VERY well that they are NOT doing the same thing for me. I have only one friend (my bestie, ESFJ?) who mentally keeps track of who has had a chance to talk and who still needs a turn and which person in the group is an interruptasaurus. Everyone else? They don't give it a thought. They don't care. It's a very unequal relationship.
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