INFJ - perpetual loner?
- Thread starter kfg(atj
- Start date
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- Tags
- alone depression infj melancholy sadness
If its been longer than four hours then you should go to the emergency room.
It's been a week. Is that problematic?
Feels fine. I've adapted and now I use it to carry my third grocery bag.
Haha, boners aside.
I will start by saying I can totally relate to how you are feeling- everything, almost down to the last detail. This might explain why I have yet to get married, because I tend to intuitively know that no relationship can perfectly fit my jigsaw puzzle and make me feel complete in the long run (though I am still hopeful the day might eventually come). I know I am surrounded by heaps of wonderful, good people, and I see traits of each person that I like a lot, but somehow at the end of the day, it always feels as though a piece is still lacking/missing, and I feel like there is a perpetual void inside of me.
I admire your ability to choose to stick with your choices and try to work through them, because I could have chosen to do that but did not. A few years ago, I made the decision to let everything go in exchange for deeper and more meaningful life experiences. If you have heard of the INFJ doorslam, I think I carried that out to a T. I moved across continents and apart from family and work-related people, fewer than 3 friends knew of my whereabouts.
I had a best friend that was a lot like yours. I knew her since I was 12 and we were inseparable- it was assumed that we would have been friends for life. However, as time passed, I also found myself not agreeing with some of the life choices she's made. I understood then that not everyone is meant to be the same, but some of the choices she made did affect/hurt me on a very personal level. I have tried many different ways to solve this- I tried to shrug it off and tell myself not to nit-pick, it's not a big deal etc., I've also been upfront to her about what she's done, letting her know that she's hurt me etc. but it all did not seem to work. When I confronted her about what she's done, she would cover up her actions and come up with excuses. It irked me so much that we have known each other for such a long time but could not have an authentic and real conversation with each other. It felt a lot like she was perpetually seeking to please me and keep the friendship by means of excuses/covering up, instead of addressing the root of the problem. I know this is true because I have heard different versions of what she said from various other mutual friends. I got really frustrated because it was almost like I've been lied to.
My best friend did not claim that she was an INFJ (I think she was too far from that to make that claim), but she was adamant that she was an Introvert, although she perpetually tested as an Extrovert, and displayed VERY extrovert qualities. That annoyed me because that again reinforced the fact that she was "trying to please" and think that she could save the friendship by means of "lying". I see through lies easily and if it was just an acquaintance I might have let that go, but I did not believe this was how my friendship with my best friend should be. This happened during the time when Susan Cain released her book "Quiet". I think that book started the rise in popularity of introvert behaviour- suddenly there were swarms of people claiming they were introverts because it was seemingly more "hip" and "cool" to be such. I struggled a long time with leaving the friendship entirely because it was starting to become really draining- my intuition was telling me that she's not 100% true, but a part of me sometimes second-guesses myself and wants to give her the benefit of the doubt etc. She thinks our friendship is gold, but then again I think she was clinging onto the friendship for what we were, not what we are, and she was probably wanting it to stay status-quo as a security blanket more than anything. Despite her claims that the friendship meant the world to her, her behaviour was not in line with what she said.
I eventually made the decision to let the friendship drop because it was starting to take a toll on my life and I see no point in pursuing it because I think it leads nowhere. I have not kept in touch with her for about 9 months now and I still think it was a good decision. I do feel a little sad sometimes because the best friend role in my life is currently empty, but I know I want it to be for someone who really deserves it. I still think of her every now and then, mainly because we have known each other for such a large part of our lives, and when I get lonely it does get quite unbearable. But I know I do not want to look back again because you know that saying "Do not go back to what broke you"? I think it is true. I have learnt to continue to trust my intuition and not second-guess my choices. I think some friendships really do come with an expiry date beyond which they become irreparable.
I know this is really long-winded, but I hope it helps
I will start by saying I can totally relate to how you are feeling- everything, almost down to the last detail. This might explain why I have yet to get married, because I tend to intuitively know that no relationship can perfectly fit my jigsaw puzzle and make me feel complete in the long run (though I am still hopeful the day might eventually come). I know I am surrounded by heaps of wonderful, good people, and I see traits of each person that I like a lot, but somehow at the end of the day, it always feels as though a piece is still lacking/missing, and I feel like there is a perpetual void inside of me.
I admire your ability to choose to stick with your choices and try to work through them, because I could have chosen to do that but did not. A few years ago, I made the decision to let everything go in exchange for deeper and more meaningful life experiences. If you have heard of the INFJ doorslam, I think I carried that out to a T. I moved across continents and apart from family and work-related people, fewer than 3 friends knew of my whereabouts.
I had a best friend that was a lot like yours. I knew her since I was 12 and we were inseparable- it was assumed that we would have been friends for life. However, as time passed, I also found myself not agreeing with some of the life choices she's made. I understood then that not everyone is meant to be the same, but some of the choices she made did affect/hurt me on a very personal level. I have tried many different ways to solve this- I tried to shrug it off and tell myself not to nit-pick, it's not a big deal etc., I've also been upfront to her about what she's done, letting her know that she's hurt me etc. but it all did not seem to work. When I confronted her about what she's done, she would cover up her actions and come up with excuses. It irked me so much that we have known each other for such a long time but could not have an authentic and real conversation with each other. It felt a lot like she was perpetually seeking to please me and keep the friendship by means of excuses/covering up, instead of addressing the root of the problem. I know this is true because I have heard different versions of what she said from various other mutual friends. I got really frustrated because it was almost like I've been lied to.
My best friend did not claim that she was an INFJ (I think she was too far from that to make that claim), but she was adamant that she was an Introvert, although she perpetually tested as an Extrovert, and displayed VERY extrovert qualities. That annoyed me because that again reinforced the fact that she was "trying to please" and think that she could save the friendship by means of "lying". I see through lies easily and if it was just an acquaintance I might have let that go, but I did not believe this was how my friendship with my best friend should be. This happened during the time when Susan Cain released her book "Quiet". I think that book started the rise in popularity of introvert behaviour- suddenly there were swarms of people claiming they were introverts because it was seemingly more "hip" and "cool" to be such. I struggled a long time with leaving the friendship entirely because it was starting to become really draining- my intuition was telling me that she's not 100% true, but a part of me sometimes second-guesses myself and wants to give her the benefit of the doubt etc. She thinks our friendship is gold, but then again I think she was clinging onto the friendship for what we were, not what we are, and she was probably wanting it to stay status-quo as a security blanket more than anything. Despite her claims that the friendship meant the world to her, her behaviour was not in line with what she said.
I eventually made the decision to let the friendship drop because it was starting to take a toll on my life and I see no point in pursuing it because I think it leads nowhere. I have not kept in touch with her for about 9 months now and I still think it was a good decision. I do feel a little sad sometimes because the best friend role in my life is currently empty, but I know I want it to be for someone who really deserves it. I still think of her every now and then, mainly because we have known each other for such a large part of our lives, and when I get lonely it does get quite unbearable. But I know I do not want to look back again because you know that saying "Do not go back to what broke you"? I think it is true. I have learnt to continue to trust my intuition and not second-guess my choices. I think some friendships really do come with an expiry date beyond which they become irreparable.
I know this is really long-winded, but I hope it helps
Haha, boners aside.
I will start by saying I can totally relate to how you are feeling- everything, almost down to the last detail. This might explain why I have yet to get married, because I tend to intuitively know that no relationship can perfectly fit my jigsaw puzzle and make me feel complete in the long run (though I am still hopeful the day might eventually come). I know I am surrounded by heaps of wonderful, good people, and I see traits of each person that I like a lot, but somehow at the end of the day, it always feels as though a piece is still lacking/missing, and I feel like there is a perpetual void inside of me.
I admire your ability to choose to stick with your choices and try to work through them, because I could have chosen to do that but did not. A few years ago, I made the decision to let everything go in exchange for deeper and more meaningful life experiences. If you have heard of the INFJ doorslam, I think I carried that out to a T. I moved across continents and apart from family and work-related people, fewer than 3 friends knew of my whereabouts.
I had a best friend that was a lot like yours. I knew her since I was 12 and we were inseparable- it was assumed that we would have been friends for life. However, as time passed, I also found myself not agreeing with some of the life choices she's made. I understood then that not everyone is meant to be the same, but some of the choices she made did affect/hurt me on a very personal level. I have tried many different ways to solve this- I tried to shrug it off and tell myself not to nit-pick, it's not a big deal etc., I've also been upfront to her about what she's done, letting her know that she's hurt me etc. but it all did not seem to work. When I confronted her about what she's done, she would cover up her actions and come up with excuses. It irked me so much that we have known each other for such a long time but could not have an authentic and real conversation with each other. It felt a lot like she was perpetually seeking to please me and keep the friendship by means of excuses/covering up, instead of addressing the root of the problem. I know this is true because I have heard different versions of what she said from various other mutual friends. I got really frustrated because it was almost like I've been lied to.
My best friend did not claim that she was an INFJ (I think she was too far from that to make that claim), but she was adamant that she was an Introvert, although she perpetually tested as an Extrovert, and displayed VERY extrovert qualities. That annoyed me because that again reinforced the fact that she was "trying to please" and think that she could save the friendship by means of "lying". I see through lies easily and if it was just an acquaintance I might have let that go, but I did not believe this was how my friendship with my best friend should be. This happened during the time when Susan Cain released her book "Quiet". I think that book started the rise in popularity of introvert behaviour- suddenly there were swarms of people claiming they were introverts because it was seemingly more "hip" and "cool" to be such. I struggled a long time with leaving the friendship entirely because it was starting to become really draining- my intuition was telling me that she's not 100% true, but a part of me sometimes second-guesses myself and wants to give her the benefit of the doubt etc. She thinks our friendship is gold, but then again I think she was clinging onto the friendship for what we were, not what we are, and she was probably wanting it to stay status-quo as a security blanket more than anything. Despite her claims that the friendship meant the world to her, her behaviour was not in line with what she said.
I eventually made the decision to let the friendship drop because it was starting to take a toll on my life and I see no point in pursuing it because I think it leads nowhere. I have not kept in touch with her for about 9 months now and I still think it was a good decision. I do feel a little sad sometimes because the best friend role in my life is currently empty, but I know I want it to be for someone who really deserves it. I still think of her every now and then, mainly because we have known each other for such a large part of our lives, and when I get lonely it does get quite unbearable. But I know I do not want to look back again because you know that saying "Do not go back to what broke you"? I think it is true. I have learnt to continue to trust my intuition and not second-guess my choices. I think some friendships really do come with an expiry date beyond which they become irreparable.
I know this is really long-winded, but I hope it helps
I'm saddened for you, but also pleased that you understand what I've experienced. It sounds like your friendship with your "best friend" was very similar to mine. And our lives seem to be on a similar trajectory. I am moving soon and considered slamming doors behind me. For one, this particular friendship I've written about. There's more turmoil now than when I started this post. She doesn't agree with the decisions I'm currently making and has no problem vocalizing her disdain, though when it was her making "erratic" choices, I was supposed to "support" her like a friend. Where I am currently definitely warrants the door slam but I am too nice to face confrontation now. It will only dampen my happiness and so I'm going to fade away into the sunset soon and forget her.
I'm also considering the same for some family members. This is going to be a little more difficult because I have been trained to have a deep allegiance to family and though I have been more assertive lately, I have not broken the hold completely. This could be my opportunity to finally do so. I applaud your efforts to leave the past behind and embark on a new journey that is surely to give you a lot of perspective and personal growth. This forum has been great for connecting with others who understand us more profoundly and you may find your new best friend here. I have.
