INFJ & INFP Friendship problem

[SadiraListens]

So I have a friend that is an INFP. For whatever reason we instantly bonded and talk(ed) nonstop daily. I feel safe with him and he has said the same about me. That no matter what he feels like he can talk to me anytime and I will be there for him. I agree. It's insane how quick I grew attached to this person in my life over the course of a few weeks. I could tell him almost anything, which never happens. I feel like I can peel all the layers of my onion shell to him and he will still be there.

Fast forward to this past weekend, I had a traumatic experience when I was 16. May 5- whenever mother's day hits is always pure hell for me. I let myself get carried away with alcohol and was texting him during the drunk haze of the night. I know I did somethings but he won't tell me what Other than "no bad feelings" as my gut is screaming at me that I did something. Anyways. I explained myself to him on Sunday and why it's such a hard time for me. And Now I'm completely gutted. I hate that I let him see that side of myself and I hate even more that I had to explain to him why it happened.

I've gone back to surface conversations with him for the last few days and it's tearing me up inside but I don't know what to do. I hate that I was vulnerable with him. I don't know if I'm more angry at myself that it happened or angry that I'm letting THESE emotions run their full ugly course. I'm trying not to freeze him out but I don't know what to do to repair myself. It's easier to let it go than to deal with the aftermath of ugly. But I don't want to let him go.

Any suggestions? I'm sick of wallowing but I feel it will just get worse if I bring it up. I know he has felt a distance... I always shutdown and turn cold, How do I not do this? I don't want to lose this friendship.

 

[Asa]

You're allowed to feel your emotions. You had a traumatic experience and this is how you cope with the memory. (Honestly, it sounds like you need to heal from this trauma, and find a better way of coping, but this post isn't about that.)

Take a deep breath......
Freaking out won't help this situation.

INFPs are idealists, so right now your friend is probably weighing whether your behavior still fits with the person he thought you were.
Try to be your consistent, normal self with him - the self you were with him before this ominous time of year for you. Freezing him out, or acting overly-emotional in one way or another, won't convince him that you are the person he grew so close to.

In the future, if you have a close relationship like (and including) this one, you may want to warn your friend when a date (or anything else) triggers a difficult memory, and how you won't be "quite yourself" on that day. If they're true friends they'll make room for that, and may even help you get through it. We all have days like this.

INFPs are also the type to want to share everything with someone they particularly like, and they're deeply caring people, so chances are he would want to listen and be supportive. Just try to be level-headed and honest.

Finally, rushing into friendships and relationships can backfire, it's better to take things slow, so right now you're both coming down from the high of the fast beginning. Let your friendship level out. Be consistent, and be genuine with your friend. Hopefully this will only be a bump in the relationship, and things will smooth out. If it isn't, your dear friend probably isn't the person you thought he was for you.

 

[SadiraListens]

You're allowed to feel your emotions. You had a traumatic experience and this is how you cope with the memory. (Honestly, it sounds like you need to heal from this trauma, and find a better way of coping, but this post isn't about that.)
This is actually the first year in a LONNNNNNNG time that I have let myself feel anything on these days. Usually I stay in bed all week until it passes. And you're correct, I need to heal from this trauma but I don't know how... Maybe I should try therapy once again but that usually turns into nothing because as soon as I scratch the surface of the trauma, I bury it back down and stop going.

Take a deep breath......
Freaking out won't help this situation.

INFPs are idealists, so right now your friend is probably weighing whether your behavior still fits with the person he thought you were.
Try to be your consistent, normal self with him - the self you were with him before this ominous time of year for you. Freezing him out, or acting overly-emotional in one way or another, won't convince him that you are the person he grew so close to. I am trying but I'm failing miserably. We have messaged back and forth and everything is surface level. I'm also waiting for him to go more in depth in the conversation other than the pleasantries of How's your day going? Good, mine too. The ease of our previous conversations is strained. I've been answering every question asked but I also haven't really initiated a full blown conversation in hopes that he will do it first. I don't want to seem too eager to talk to him unless he has the time to talk to me.

In the future, if you have a close relationship like (and including) this one, you may want to warn your friend when a date (or anything else) triggers a difficult memory, and how you won't be "quite yourself" on that day. If they're true friends they'll make room for that, and may even help you get through it. We all have days like this.

INFPs are also the type to want to share everything with someone they particularly like, and they're deeply caring people, so chances are he would want to listen and be supportive. Just try to be level-headed and honest.
But that's what I'm worried about.... that I was too honest too fast. I exposed my deepest core too fast. And I can't help but wonder if he's slowly trying to run for the mountains.... so I will freeze myself first so I don't get too hurt when it eventually happens. Those are the thoughts running rampant in my mind. I stare at the phone constantly waiting for him to message me and then when he doesn't the self doubt it there.

Finally, rushing into friendships and relationships can backfire, it's better to take things slow, so right now you're both coming down from the high of the fast beginning. Let your friendship level out. Be consistent, and be genuine with your friend. Hopefully this will only be a bump in the relationship, and things will smooth out. If it isn't, your dear friend probably isn't the person you thought he was for you.
I sure hope so. He is an amazing person and again, i haven't felt this way with anyone before. I'm so drawn to him. It quite honestly freaks me out. I think that is what is making it worse.... Usually I don't talk to anyone but something about him I'm an open book. It's annoying and I can't figure out why but i can't seem to close myself off to him once we start talking :/ .

Thank you for your response. I usually have the patience in the world but I'm so inpatient right now trying to make sure we are okay. :/ Maybe I should just ask him.... bite the bullet.

 

[Tamagochi]

You can't go into a relationship and leave the bits of that you don't like about yourself at home. Sharing things that make you vulnerable and miserable is actually quite OK*. And from his reaction that you described I don't think he thinks less of you.

* at least a couple of weeks into a relationship

 

[5r6jhd]

From my own experience you're probably making more of this than he is. Take some deep breaths and go easy on yourself. Take a few days break from communicating if you think it would help and just BE.

I've found in the past the initial thing I did wasn't an issue, but my freaking out after and trying too hard is what can push people away. Just relax and remember to be kind to yourself.

 

[Kgal]

You can't go into a relationship and leave the bits of that you don't like about yourself at home. Sharing things that make you vulnerable and miserable is actually quite OK*. And from his reaction that you described I don't think he thinks less of you.

* at least a couple of weeks into a relationship

This is excellent!

[waves hi at Tama]

 

[Kgal]

So I have a friend that is an INFP. For whatever reason we instantly bonded and talk(ed) nonstop daily. I feel safe with him and he has said the same about me.

I feel like I can peel all the layers of my onion shell to him and he will still be there.

I had a traumatic experience when I was 16

I hate that I let him see that side of myself and I hate even more that I had to explain to him why it happened.

I hate that I was vulnerable with him. I don't know if I'm more angry at myself that it happened or angry that I'm letting THESE emotions run their full ugly course.

Dear Sadira.

I really have to say I like your avatar name of Sadira. For some reason I recognize that name from the vast recesses of my mind...and it makes me feel soft and calm inside. Isn't that interesting.....

I suspect if you read through the quotes above you will intuit what is going on within you....and I emphasize it IS within you.

First of all let me express my sorrow at your traumatic experience in your youth. Those kinds of events color the rest of our life....filtering our perspectives on what happens around us in ways that can be limiting to our life. I can tell you from my own very long life that traumatic events contain all of the elements of pain and joy. We just need to open that door to it again when we're ready to get all of its gifts.

...and I am suggesting you are ready....to open the door to the final healing process for you.

Is your INFP friend the healer? I can hear you asking your self this right now.
Maybe...
Maybe not.

Generally these things unfold through a series of steps to allow one to handle it in their own unique way.

It appears to me your friend provided a safe space for your to have the courage to open that door. Naturally now you are afraid of the next step and the fearful one in you....the one who endured the traumatic event....is afraid....and projecting that fear out around you specifically aimed at the one who helped you turn the key in that door.

I invite you to spend some time writing down the qualities you admire in your INFP friend....thinking thoughts of gratitude for them being alive right now walking the planet.
Then feel gratitude for them being in your life providing you a safe space to be you.

The significant relationships in our lives are there for a reason...FOR us....to see an aspect of our selves that we don't normally allow itself to manifest....or express...or for us to see...in to our lives. Do they present teachings for us? From what I've seen over the long years I would say yes....thankfully so....or we wouldn't evolve and grow. To an INFJ that's paramount to death....yes? lololol....metaphorically speaking.

Each time a relationship reaches a bump in the road (our perception) we INFJ's often withdraw because we are not adept at handling confrontation. I believe we are this way because our Gift to humanity is that we are excellent at perceiving multiple points of view leading to a natural ability at Mediation....Facilitating Cooperation amongst many....and so on. So we try to fix it because we cannot handle the discordant feelings we sense around us. The thing is... we are also feeling our own discordant feelings too....and tend to filter our outward experiences through them.

I think it would be good for you tell your friend you have some things to process about the event that happened long ago and need some alone time....perhaps a couple of days...and tell them you will contact them then. Take this time FOR you. As many have already said your INFP friend will be there for you. From all of my time here at the forum I have discovered they are amazing and understanding people.

I wish you enormous success in a loving healing journey for you.

 

[biwaly]

I explained myself to him on Sunday and why it's such a hard time for me. And Now I'm completely gutted. I hate that I let him see that side of myself and I hate even more that I had to explain to him why it happened.

Don't be angry with yourself because It wasn't your fault. That's why I'm sure he understood the situation and okay with that.

You are not a robot. You are human. Of course people will see the side you don't want to show eventually. It can happen in every relationship and it's a part of it. There is no perfect relationship that you won't see the bad side of that person.

I've gone back to surface conversations with him for the last few days and it's tearing me up inside but I don't know what to do. I hate that I was vulnerable with him. I don't know if I'm more angry at myself that it happened or angry that I'm letting THESE emotions run their full ugly course. I'm trying not to freeze him out but I don't know what to do to repair myself. It's easier to let it go than to deal with the aftermath of ugly. But I don't want to let him go.

What's done is done. Accept what happened, forgive yourself and carry on.

If you can still communicate with him then that's good. Because it means there is still a chance for this relationship.

Any suggestions? I'm sick of wallowing but I feel it will just get worse if I bring it up. I know he has felt a distance... I always shutdown and turn cold, How do I not do this? I don't want to lose this friendship.

Best way the fix a relationship is honest explanation and apology. If that person accepted your apology and okay with that then you should carry on. Your relationship may won't be same. In that case, better let it go and let time fix it. It may take time or it won't work and end. There is nothing to do about it. You can't hurry and force a relationship to fix it.

 

[SadiraListens]

So I talked to him today. He was having a bad couple of days BUT he also wanted to give me time to process everything. He didn't realize the range of emotions I would have and how it felt like a rejection after telling him something major. He again thanked me and said he was honored that I felt like I could tell him. He knows it's a big deal.

And that cements why he is just an awesome person I want in my circle of friends.

 

[SadiraListens]

Dear Sadira.

I really have to say I like your avatar name of Sadira. For some reason I recognize that name from the vast recesses of my mind...and it makes me feel soft and calm inside. Isn't that interesting.....

I suspect if you read through the quotes above you will intuit what is going on within you....and I emphasize it IS within you.

First of all let me express my sorrow at your traumatic experience in your youth. Those kinds of events color the rest of our life....filtering our perspectives on what happens around us in ways that can be limiting to our life. I can tell you from my own very long life that traumatic events contain all of the elements of pain and joy. We just need to open that door to it again when we're ready to get all of its gifts.

...and I am suggesting you are ready....to open the door to the final healing process for you.

Is your INFP friend the healer? I can hear you asking your self this right now.
Maybe...
Maybe not.

Generally these things unfold through a series of steps to allow one to handle it in their own unique way.

It appears to me your friend provided a safe space for your to have the courage to open that door. Naturally now you are afraid of the next step and the fearful one in you....the one who endured the traumatic event....is afraid....and projecting that fear out around you specifically aimed at the one who helped you turn the key in that door.

I invite you to spend some time writing down the qualities you admire in your INFP friend....thinking thoughts of gratitude for them being alive right now walking the planet.
Then feel gratitude for them being in your life providing you a safe space to be you.

The significant relationships in our lives are there for a reason...FOR us....to see an aspect of our selves that we don't normally allow itself to manifest....or express...or for us to see...in to our lives. Do they present teachings for us? From what I've seen over the long years I would say yes....thankfully so....or we wouldn't evolve and grow. To an INFJ that's paramount to death....yes? lololol....metaphorically speaking.

Each time a relationship reaches a bump in the road (our perception) we INFJ's often withdraw because we are not adept at handling confrontation. I believe we are this way because our Gift to humanity is that we are excellent at perceiving multiple points of view leading to a natural ability at Mediation....Facilitating Cooperation amongst many....and so on. So we try to fix it because we cannot handle the discordant feelings we sense around us. The thing is... we are also feeling our own discordant feelings too....and tend to filter our outward experiences through them.

I think it would be good for you tell your friend you have some things to process about the event that happened long ago and need some alone time....perhaps a couple of days...and tell them you will contact them then. Take this time FOR you. As many have already said your INFP friend will be there for you. From all of my time here at the forum I have discovered they are amazing and understanding people.

I wish you enormous success in a loving healing journey for you.

Thank You. You have given me lots to think about.

And that is the exact question I've had since I met him. It's frighten how much of an open book I am with him. I've never had this with anyone and it frustrates me but I don't know how or why. It's like he can ask anything and I don't hesitate to answer. Even if I want to hold back and not tell him, I usually just say give me a minute and I will explain and then I do. I can't even do that with my sister and I'm so incredibly close with her.

 

[SadiraListens]

Don't be angry with yourself because It wasn't your fault. That's why I'm sure he understood the situation and okay with that.

You are not a robot. You are human. Of course people will see the side you don't want to show eventually. It can happen in every relationship and it's a part of it. There is no perfect relationship that you won't see the bad side of that person.



What's done is done. Accept what happened, forgive yourself and carry on.

If you can still communicate with him then that's good. Because it means there is still a chance for this relationship.



Best way the fix a relationship is honest explanation and apology. If that person accepted your apology and okay with that then you should carry on. Your relationship may won't be same. In that case, better let it go and let time fix it. It may take time or it won't work and end. There is nothing to do about it. You can't hurry and force a relationship to fix it.

Thank You.

I'm so use to dealing with other peoples problems and emotions that I don't usually openly show mine to people but It's true, I'm not a robot. I just wish I didn't show the bad so early on.

 

[biwaly]

And that is the exact question I've had since I met him. It's frighten how much of an open book I am with him. I've never had this with anyone and it frustrates me but I don't know how or why. It's like he can ask anything and I don't hesitate to answer. Even if I want to hold back and not tell him, I usually just say give me a minute and I will explain and then I do. I can't even do that with my sister and I'm so incredibly close with her.

I had the same thing with five people: three male, two female. I call it spititual bonding. When you connect your soul with someone it feels like you have to share your soul with them. This bond is beyond being close, it's more like merging.