INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

M

milkandhoney23

Newbie
MBTI
INTJ
Is this new chick a rebound? Prepare for a long wall of text. This is our history:
I've known him for 2 years prior to dating him for almost 2 years. We're both in our early 20's and we were each other's first love, first everything. We were deeply in love with each other and swore we were each other's soulmates. He changed my life and I changed his in various ways. I've never connected with someone so deeply before. We rarely connect with people like this so it was special for the both of us. We could just sit in silence together forever and still feel loved and happy with each other. We were opposites in many ways, but our differences were like yin and yang. What he was bad at, I was good at and vice versa.

Unfortunately, we had some moments. We later on struggled with more school, money, work, and stress. We were both immature and inexperienced so mistakes were made on both sides; more so on mine. A lot of it was due to my insecurity and depression. We've broken up 3 times in total and he the last one was final. For the first 2 breakups, we got back together after a few days. It makes sense now why that doesn't work out because we never had taken actual time (a period of no contact) to work on myself/himself. We thought we could though. In our last breakup, he stated that we were unhappy and the relationship was getting toxic. This time, he broke up through text and insisted that we must part. He didn't even want to see me or talk because it's too painful. He insisted that it's for the best, it's better for the both of us; that we won't be able to heal until everything is taken care of. Things were very ugly in this last breakup. He even left his job (we work at the same place) at the same time. I know he had a rough time because he sent me all of that in the middle of the night.

It was two weeks in and I started no contact after leaving a note for him. I told him that I agree with us parting ways because it really was what we needed. We both had issues we needed to work on ALONE, and we especially needed a lot of time to heal. We mustn't contact each other and work on ourselves. Lastly, I still love and care about him as a person, he's an amazing friend. If there's ever a time when we've moved on from our pasts, let's reconnect with a clean slate as friends (only if we're both comfortable and ready). It's been 2 months since then.

I saw him with a new girl:
I happened to be at a cafe one morning studying and I see him and his new girl (probably met at his new job) coming in and sitting down. It was really awkward, but they didn't notice me. I was surprised to even see him dating already. The last time I interacted with him, he was very resentful and hurt by everything so I didn't expect him to move on so quickly. He's not the type to take things fast, but then again, I have no idea what's going on with him now.

This girl is nothing like me. She's like the opposite of me. I believe she's even better. She's more fashionable, girly, has designer clothing, probably nicer and sweeter, maybe has better job and house than me, probably smarter, etc... Meanwhile, I'm a tomboy who loves technology and math, is very utilitarian, wears minimal makeup, and lacks that extroverted charm that the new girl seems to have. He even looked good, better than how he dressed when we were together. I know he was trying in this date; I just know him too well... The way I saw them, they were having a long conversation and she was smiling a lot... he probably likes her smile. They both seemed a bit awkward though, but that's probably because they just started. They were even holding hands, kissing, and hugging already. Given the stage they're at, I suspect he could've started pursuing her way before 2 months. I kind of have a feeling that part of him quickly dating someone is due to instinctual reasons. He's a guy with a lot of testosterone and this probably brings him to wanting to find a woman fast.

I've been panicking and having an adrenaline rush since the moment I saw them together. Seeing him with someone else new is so painful and I feel like I'm dying again. I can't even sleep at night. I'm going through some seriously shit right now because of this and I've sought out therapy. I've stood by this guy through everything from finance to deep childhood issues...damn.
 
I'm empathetic to your situation. I went through an exhausting terrible heartbreak during college with an INTJ woman. It's a familiar theme to it that I lot of us here can relate to. I think it's wise to have sought out therapy. I'm picking up on a lot of pain and you've got a healing journey to go through. I think you need to stop searching for why he's with someone new. I'd stop trying to look for flaws or holes in your armor. In some sense that battle is over and it's time to rebuild and heal. You'll need time and distance.

Your story feels very familiar to me. If I could have given my younger self advice it would have been go to therapy, eat well, and exercise. It'll all help with the sleep long term. You are already seeking help which is a great.

In times of pain and change I usually end up shaking up my life and build a new daily schedule around my goals. I even change my wardrobe and hair style. I make a new version of myself. I also start spending time with friends and try to be open to new social groups.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Is this new chick a rebound? Prepare for a long wall of text. This is our history:
I've known him for 2 years prior to dating him for almost 2 years. We're both in our early 20's and we were each other's first love, first everything. We were deeply in love with each other and swore we were each other's soulmates. He changed my life and I changed his in various ways. I've never connected with someone so deeply before. We rarely connect with people like this so it was special for the both of us. We could just sit in silence together forever and still feel loved and happy with each other. We were opposites in many ways, but our differences were like yin and yang. What he was bad at, I was good at and vice versa.

Unfortunately, we had some moments. We later on struggled with more school, money, work, and stress. We were both immature and inexperienced so mistakes were made on both sides; more so on mine. A lot of it was due to my insecurity and depression. We've broken up 3 times in total and he the last one was final. For the first 2 breakups, we got back together after a few days. It makes sense now why that doesn't work out because we never had taken actual time (a period of no contact) to work on myself/himself. We thought we could though. In our last breakup, he stated that we were unhappy and the relationship was getting toxic. This time, he broke up through text and insisted that we must part. He didn't even want to see me or talk because it's too painful. He insisted that it's for the best, it's better for the both of us; that we won't be able to heal until everything is taken care of. Things were very ugly in this last breakup. He even left his job (we work at the same place) at the same time. I know he had a rough time because he sent me all of that in the middle of the night.

It was two weeks in and I started no contact after leaving a note for him. I told him that I agree with us parting ways because it really was what we needed. We both had issues we needed to work on ALONE, and we especially needed a lot of time to heal. We mustn't contact each other and work on ourselves. Lastly, I still love and care about him as a person, he's an amazing friend. If there's ever a time when we've moved on from our pasts, let's reconnect with a clean slate as friends (only if we're both comfortable and ready). It's been 2 months since then.

I saw him with a new girl:
I happened to be at a cafe one morning studying and I see him and his new girl (probably met at his new job) coming in and sitting down. It was really awkward, but they didn't notice me. I was surprised to even see him dating already. The last time I interacted with him, he was very resentful and hurt by everything so I didn't expect him to move on so quickly. He's not the type to take things fast, but then again, I have no idea what's going on with him now.

This girl is nothing like me. She's like the opposite of me. I believe she's even better. She's more fashionable, girly, has designer clothing, probably nicer and sweeter, maybe has better job and house than me, probably smarter, etc... Meanwhile, I'm a tomboy who loves technology and math, is very utilitarian, wears minimal makeup, and lacks that extroverted charm that the new girl seems to have. He even looked good, better than how he dressed when we were together. I know he was trying in this date; I just know him too well... The way I saw them, they were having a long conversation and she was smiling a lot... he probably likes her smile. They both seemed a bit awkward though, but that's probably because they just started. They were even holding hands, kissing, and hugging already. Given the stage they're at, I suspect he could've started pursuing her way before 2 months. I kind of have a feeling that part of him quickly dating someone is due to instinctual reasons. He's a guy with a lot of testosterone and this probably brings him to wanting to find a woman fast.

I've been panicking and having an adrenaline rush since the moment I saw them together. Seeing him with someone else new is so painful and I feel like I'm dying again. I can't even sleep at night. I'm going through some seriously shit right now because of this and I've sought out therapy. I've stood by this guy through everything from finance to deep childhood issues...damn.
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Woah.

But he is not sounding like a good catch right now. Give yourself some space and love yourself as you hoped he would :)
 
I'm going to be quick.

There's no point in dating unless your intention is to get married and start a family soon. Otherwise, you're wasting one another's time and are most likely going to break up.

If you want a lasting relationship don't look for men who just want to date. Look for men who want to get married and start families.

Remember: finding a husband and starting a family gets harder the older you get. Don't waste your youth on passion, lust, and fleeting feelings.

Love and intimacy must lead to marriage and family, otherwise you're just using a man as a diary and dildo.
 
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MINFJToothFairy said:
Woah.

But he is not sounding like a good catch right now. Give yourself some space and love yourself as you hoped he would :)
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I'm having internal battle in my mind for the past months about. He's the best person ever or he's not that great of a catch. For example, I remember back then I was turned off by how he's not adult enough or how he's too short. All of a sudden now, I think the opposite of all that. Putting him on a pedestal has been further reaffirmed after he got with his coworker at his new job. If someone else wants to go out with him, he must be great. I'm so blinded by losing him that I put him on a pedestal now and I can't tell or remember exactly if he really was that good. My mind is making up a bunch of stuff because of how I feel -- like I can't tell what's true and what's not, what actually happened and what didn't. Thank you for letting me know though. I need to get out of my fucking mind because it's killing me right now.
 
Daustus said:
I'm empathetic to your situation. I went through an exhausting terrible heartbreak during college with an INTJ woman. It's a familiar theme to it that I lot of us here can relate to. I think it's wise to have sought out therapy. I'm picking up on a lot of pain and you've got a healing journey to go through. I think you need to stop searching for why he's with someone new. I'd stop trying to look for flaws or holes in your armor. In some sense that battle is over and it's time to rebuild and heal. You'll need time and distance.

Your story feels very familiar to me. If I could have given my younger self advice it would have been go to therapy, eat well, and exercise. It'll all help with the sleep long term. You are already seeking help which is a great.

In times of pain and change I usually end up shaking up my life and build a new daily schedule around my goals. I even change my wardrobe and hair style. I make a new version of myself. I also start spending time with friends and try to be open to new social groups.
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Why do shitty things like this happen? Is it a trend with younger people? I don't have many friends and I honestly only had him, which is probably why I'm so attached to him. Given that I have a history of depression and social anxiety (was better and okay then but this event triggered and worsened it), I can't stop thinking about him and his new girl every second of my life. My mind keeps thinking and making up literally everything about them and it's making up pictures (like them having sex). I've never felt so fucked up in my life. I couldn't focus on school, eat, or sleep at all. I was suicidal, I really wanted it all to end. I hate admitting that because it makes me seem weak and probably looks super unattractive to him. At the same time, part of me was trying to stop myself from ending it over a guy who doesn't want anything to do with me. My hands were shaking but I looked up a therapist and picked up the phone. Therapy was what I needed to save myself. I'm trying to trudge through by applying for new jobs and going to the gym. Thanks for understanding. I felt so alone.
 
Pin said:
I'm going to be quick.

There's no point in dating unless your intention is to get married and start a family soon. Otherwise, you're wasting one another's time and are most likely going to break up.

If you want a lasting relationship don't look for men who just want to date. Look for men who want to get married and start families.

Remember: finding a husband and starting a family gets harder the older you get. Don't waste your youth on passion, lust, and fleeting feelings.

Love and intimacy must lead to marriage and family, otherwise you're just using a man as a diary and dildo.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't say we were just dating. We were planning to marry, have a family, move out to the country where it's quieter, and grow old together. This was the only person whom I wouldn't care if he didn't have loads of money, a high-paying job, or wasn't tall enough, which are normally things people look for in a future spouse/secure partner. I threw out all those standards because I truly loved him for his caring, loving personality. Him being an INFJ, he really put his heart into everything.

Of course he wants to get married.. perhaps to this new girl. Of course some of it probably has to do with lust. He doesn't jerk off to porn or anything (helped fight his porn addiction with him) and only allows himself to get off to intercourse. I'm thinking he's been really horny since we've broken up. He said that the horniness/higher testosterone is naturally meant for men to go out and actually find a woman. So he's horny, doesn't like being alone, and hurt from the breakup.
 
This is heartache. It will pass, but you need to work on it. Work on your goals, your self esteem, and your shortcomings. Work on letting go.

Two years is not a long time. It feels like it is right now, but it is such a tiny sliver of your life. You were young when you started dating, "immature", and chances are he was not your soul mate. Now that you have parted ways, his new life is none of your business. It is only going to hurt more if you keep dwelling on it, so by obsessing, you are hurting yourself. If you want to reflect on this relationship and why it failed reflect on how you could become a better person both for yourself and with future partner.

Stop speculating about his new love interest(s). Don't compare yourself to her. Stop suggesting she may be "better" than you. You're just different kinds of people and neither of you is "better".

"Shitty things" like this happen because this is how early relationships often are. They're full of mistakes. You were both figuring out who you were and how to be a couple. When it didn't work it hurt... it hurt a lot. This will ultimately teach you to become a better person and better partner. All those experiences will help you become a better person if you do the work to become a better person and recover.

I'm so sorry. Heartache sucks. It causes physical pain, emotional pain, philosophical pondering, and low self-esteem. The best thing you can do is be good to yourself, work on yourself, and become the type of person you want to be... the type of person that will make anyone who broke up with you feel foolish for letting you go. ;) <3

You'll meet a better match for you.
 
Asa said:
This is heartache. It will pass, but you need to work on it. Work on your goals, your self esteem, and your shortcomings. Work on letting go.

Two years is not a long time. It feels like it is right now, but it is such a tiny sliver of your life. You were young when you started dating, "immature", and chances are he was not your soul mate. Now that you have parted ways, his new life is none of your business. It is only going to hurt more if you keep dwelling on it, so by obsessing, you are hurting yourself. If you want to reflect on this relationship and why it failed reflect on how you could become a better person both for yourself and with future partner.

Stop speculating about his new love interest(s). Don't compare yourself to her. Stop suggesting she may be "better" than you. You're just different kinds of people and neither of you is "better".

"Shitty things" like this happen because this is how early relationships often are. They're full of mistakes. You were both figuring out who you were and how to be a couple. When it didn't work it hurt... it hurt a lot. This will ultimately teach you to become a better person and better partner. All those experiences will help you become a better person if you do the work to become a better person and recover.

I'm so sorry. Heartache sucks. It causes physical pain, emotional pain, philosophical pondering, and low self-esteem. The best thing you can do is be good to yourself, work on yourself, and become the type of person you want to be... the type of person that will make anyone who broke up with you feel foolish for letting you go. ;) <3

You'll meet a better match for you.
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This is great advice, @milkandhoney23 :)
 
I'm sorry to hear about your pain @milkandhoney23

To understand what you are going through and are yet to go through you may want to look up the five stages of grief. I found that in my own case, that understanding what I was going through and what was coming stabilised me somewhat in my own breakup. Getting therapy is important too, particularly if you don't mingle much with others. I needed to verbalise my inner thoughts - A LOT! I also started writing my thoughts in a journal. I still do to this day and find that it keeps my head clear.

My opinion but I think your ex took the easy road in life. Rather than letting the dust settle and looking at the relationship from different perspectives and taking lessons from it, he took the path of easing and masking his pain. Maybe testosterone was a little bit of it, but I think a larger part was to overcome the pain of your breakup. Is it a good or a bad thing to do this? I don't know for sure, but my own path was different. Yes, I thought about it and tried to do the masking. HA! Then I sat myself down one day and thought "if you feel like this dude, finding another person is not going to help. You need to know and understand your own feelings and how they came about before meeting someone else". I then made a promise not to look for six months. In that time I worked on finding and treasuring what my true values were and (the hard part) figuring out how I was going to keep to these values in a world that seemingly cares little for them.

In short, I think he is doing what he to get over losing you.

I had the same thoughts as you did in breaking up. My ex moved on (after a fifteen year relationship) in two months as well! I was sitting there for a long time wondering whether there was something going on before that. Because it was still raw I went through the scenarios in my head of how intimate they probably were and how much fun he probably was than I was. This is all very normal (I won't say for everyone - but it was for me). You're brain does go into overload a bit. :flushed: I know it can't be helped, but try not to disparage yourself and make comparisons. If you can't help it, always end with noting good qualities about yourself. As others have said, work on yourself, make yourself into a person that better understands. Work out your values, what your life stands for.

You are young and will find someone else, when you are ready. And because you better know yourself, you will know better the people you want to interact and communicate with. You will develop and mature as a person. As @Asa said "work on yourself, and become the type of person you want to be... the type of person that will make anyone who broke up with you feel foolish for letting you go. ;) <3". I highlighted the bit that is important. It is easy to fall into the trap that you should be someone different to who you truly are.

In the end @milkandhoney23, you will have love for the this person for what you had together for those years. You know it will never be again, but you will be able to appreciate the time in your life that you were together. You will find peace.

And yes, he will look back on it (one day) and realise how foolish it was to let you go. If it was that close a friendship and relationship you never truly let them go.
 
Pin said:
I'm going to be quick.

There's no point in dating unless your intention is to get married and start a family soon. Otherwise, you're wasting one another's time and are most likely going to break up.

If you want a lasting relationship don't look for men who just want to date. Look for men who want to get married and start families.

Remember: finding a husband and starting a family gets harder the older you get. Don't waste your youth on passion, lust, and fleeting feelings.

Love and intimacy must lead to marriage and family, otherwise you're just using a man as a diary and dildo.
Click to expand...

some truth to this
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Is this new chick a rebound? Prepare for a long wall of text. This is our history:
I've known him for 2 years prior to dating him for almost 2 years. We're both in our early 20's and we were each other's first love, first everything. We were deeply in love with each other and swore we were each other's soulmates. He changed my life and I changed his in various ways. I've never connected with someone so deeply before. We rarely connect with people like this so it was special for the both of us. We could just sit in silence together forever and still feel loved and happy with each other. We were opposites in many ways, but our differences were like yin and yang. What he was bad at, I was good at and vice versa.

Unfortunately, we had some moments. We later on struggled with more school, money, work, and stress. We were both immature and inexperienced so mistakes were made on both sides; more so on mine. A lot of it was due to my insecurity and depression. We've broken up 3 times in total and he the last one was final. For the first 2 breakups, we got back together after a few days. It makes sense now why that doesn't work out because we never had taken actual time (a period of no contact) to work on myself/himself. We thought we could though. In our last breakup, he stated that we were unhappy and the relationship was getting toxic. This time, he broke up through text and insisted that we must part. He didn't even want to see me or talk because it's too painful. He insisted that it's for the best, it's better for the both of us; that we won't be able to heal until everything is taken care of. Things were very ugly in this last breakup. He even left his job (we work at the same place) at the same time. I know he had a rough time because he sent me all of that in the middle of the night.

It was two weeks in and I started no contact after leaving a note for him. I told him that I agree with us parting ways because it really was what we needed. We both had issues we needed to work on ALONE, and we especially needed a lot of time to heal. We mustn't contact each other and work on ourselves. Lastly, I still love and care about him as a person, he's an amazing friend. If there's ever a time when we've moved on from our pasts, let's reconnect with a clean slate as friends (only if we're both comfortable and ready). It's been 2 months since then.

I saw him with a new girl:
I happened to be at a cafe one morning studying and I see him and his new girl (probably met at his new job) coming in and sitting down. It was really awkward, but they didn't notice me. I was surprised to even see him dating already. The last time I interacted with him, he was very resentful and hurt by everything so I didn't expect him to move on so quickly. He's not the type to take things fast, but then again, I have no idea what's going on with him now.

This girl is nothing like me. She's like the opposite of me. I believe she's even better. She's more fashionable, girly, has designer clothing, probably nicer and sweeter, maybe has better job and house than me, probably smarter, etc... Meanwhile, I'm a tomboy who loves technology and math, is very utilitarian, wears minimal makeup, and lacks that extroverted charm that the new girl seems to have. He even looked good, better than how he dressed when we were together. I know he was trying in this date; I just know him too well... The way I saw them, they were having a long conversation and she was smiling a lot... he probably likes her smile. They both seemed a bit awkward though, but that's probably because they just started. They were even holding hands, kissing, and hugging already. Given the stage they're at, I suspect he could've started pursuing her way before 2 months. I kind of have a feeling that part of him quickly dating someone is due to instinctual reasons. He's a guy with a lot of testosterone and this probably brings him to wanting to find a woman fast.

I've been panicking and having an adrenaline rush since the moment I saw them together. Seeing him with someone else new is so painful and I feel like I'm dying again. I can't even sleep at night. I'm going through some seriously shit right now because of this and I've sought out therapy. I've stood by this guy through everything from finance to deep childhood issues...damn.
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Sorry you’re going through this

I honestly don’t understand why people think their ex will just wait around for them. They are a human and have needs. When people breakup that should be it. I hate when people hold out that the other person will just be there or they’ll try to work things out. It’s illogical, anyways. When you break up, that’s it. If you’re going to feel bad about them seeing someone else, don’t break up or tell them that if they break up with you. It’s just silly

Stop comparing yourself to others. You’re fine the way you are. People don’t keep score as much as you think or at least I hope. If you’re happy, you’re happy, and they deserve that too
 
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milkandhoney23 said:
I wouldn't say we were just dating. We were planning to marry, have a family, move out to the country where it's quieter, and grow old together. This was the only person whom I wouldn't care if he didn't have loads of money, a high-paying job, or wasn't tall enough, which are normally things people look for in a future spouse/secure partner. I threw out all those standards because I truly loved him for his caring, loving personality. Him being an INFJ, he really put his heart into everything.

Of course he wants to get married.. perhaps to this new girl. Of course some of it probably has to do with lust. He doesn't jerk off to porn or anything (helped fight his porn addiction with him) and only allows himself to get off to intercourse. I'm thinking he's been really horny since we've broken up. He said that the horniness/higher testosterone is naturally meant for men to go out and actually find a woman. So he's horny, doesn't like being alone, and hurt from the breakup.
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For future reference, just date intentionally.

ClevelandINTP said:
Mostly the diary and dildo thing
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It's crass but we're definitely an impulsive culture.
 
JustPhil said:
I'm sorry to hear about your pain @milkandhoney23

You are young and will find someone else, when you are ready. And because you better know yourself, you will know better the people you want to interact and communicate with. You will develop and mature as a person. As @Asa said "work on yourself, and become the type of person you want to be... the type of person that will make anyone who broke up with you feel foolish for letting you go. ;) <3". I highlighted the bit that is important. It is easy to fall into the trap that you should be someone different to who you truly are.

In the end @milkandhoney23, you will have love for the this person for what you had together for those years. You know it will never be again, but you will be able to appreciate the time in your life that you were together. You will find peace.

And yes, he will look back on it (one day) and realise how foolish it was to let you go. If it was that close a friendship and relationship you never truly let them go.
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I don't know what exactly is going on with my ex and how he feels right now. A friend just now told me that the two are intensely passionate with each other and are moving fast. According to him, my ex is intensely love bombing this chick and is treating her better and more attentively. He's treating her to a lot of extravagance (when he doesn't have a huge income) and taking her everywhere to do everything, etc. This new info punched me really hard at first but now I just feel kind of sorry for them/him. Ex was really bitter and hurt 2 months ago and now he's passionately in a new relationship moving at fast speeds. That says a lot about his mental state and his insecurities. He has mentioned to me before that he was sad when he was alone. I also know he's somewhat weak internally. He likes the easier route of things and he hates to admit that. I might just be speculating though. I'm taking the hard road to healing and self-improvement so I'm a little bit proud of myself for that.

And thank you. I'll try to remember that. I had a bit of a life crisis these years and wasn't happy with myself and where I was in life. Going through this breakup and comparing myself made things worse. I wanted to get married young, have a family, and settle with a nice job fast. You're right, I am still young and there's a lot of life ahead of me. For now, I'll have to work hard in school and my job to get to where I want to be. And hopefully a good person comes along the way when I finally find myself in the place I want to be.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
I don't know what exactly is going on with my ex and how he feels right now. A friend just now told me that the two are intensely passionate with each other and are moving fast. According to him, my ex is intensely love bombing this chick and is treating her better and more attentively. He's treating her to a lot of extravagance (when he doesn't have a huge income) and taking her everywhere to do everything, etc. This new info punched me really hard at first but now I just feel kind of sorry for them/him.
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It doesn't help you to recover to hear this kind of news. It is really best if your friends don't fill you in with the details, and for you to stop thinking about it, so you can move on.
 
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